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BEIJING, 5 YEARS AGO
“I don’t like it when you drink those,” Renjun mutters as he stands by the doorway. Jeno only gives him a small smile before he proceeds to drink his sleeping pills.
“I have to,” Jeno says. “Calms the nerves and allows me to gain some energy.”
There’s a conflicted look on Renjun’s face. “Mr. Lee allows you to drink that?”
Jeno shrugs. “Like you, he’s pretty much against it. But, if I don’t drink them, I would be a mess the day after.”
Renjun wants to argue a little bit more, but he doesn’t know much about how Jeno’s matches happen. It’s his first time being allowed to accompany Jeno to one of his overseas matches, and Mr. Lee entrusted him to take care of his son. However, he figures that if Mr. Lee allows Jeno to drink sleeping pills, then it should be fine.
“Fine,” Renjun gives in. “But tomorrow night, after your match, please don’t drink them. I’ll only let you do it tonight because you have a game tomorrow. I’m worried about your health.”
Jeno rolls his eyes while chuckling. “Yes, yes, I will. The worst thing this has done to me is made me sleepwalk or something. I’ll be fine.”
Renjun stays by the door.
Jeno raises an eyebrow. “You can go back to your room.”
Renjun crosses his arms. “I’d like to see you go to sleep first.”
“That’s what the pills are for,” Jeno says as he finally lies on his bed and pulls the covers over him. “See? I’m ready now. I’ll—“ a yawn escapes his lips. “—sleep soon.”
Indeed, after he says that, Renjun sees his eyes close. In a few more seconds, Jeno’s breathing starts to sound even. He’s pretty much knocked out now. Renjun has no reason to be here anymore.
Still, Renjun doesn’t leave. He wants to make sure that Jeno is fine and well rested for his match tomorrow. He approaches Jeno’s bed and sits on the space beside the other guy, observing him quietly. He’ll wait for fifteen more minutes, and if Jeno continues to look fine, then he’ll leave.
Just fifteen minutes.
Renjun lets out a yawn.
Fifteen minutes…
Fifteen…
Renjun closes his eyes and feels his head hit something soft.
When he opens his eyes, he finds himself lying face to face with a sleeping Jeno. He blinks, trying to let the situation sink in. Renjun realizes that he must’ve fallen asleep while watching over Jeno.
Just as he’s about to leave, Jeno slowly opens his eyes. Well, half-opens. Still, they’re unmistakably staring at Renjun.
Renjun is about to ask him if he’s alright when Jeno suddenly blurts out something.
“Junnie…” Jeno whispers. “Can I kiss you?”
It’s out of the blue, Jeno asking something like that all of a sudden. It’s supposed to be surprising, to the point where it can make you jump out of the bed.
And yet, Renjun doesn’t feel shocked at all. He just stares back at Jeno who’s still looking at him with half-lidded but twinkling eyes.
With the faintest whisper that echoes the thrumming of his heart, Renjun says, “Yes.”
For a split second, there’s silence. And then, Jeno takes Renjun’s hand in his, moves closer, and closes the distance between their lips.
MANILA, PRESENT DAY
It’s not Renjun’s first time to watch Jeno’s chess games first hand. That is, if you don’t count the little games they play with the rest of their friends back home. Jeno is South Korea’s pride when it comes to chess games. He stopped going to school at high school because he’s already been earning a lot of money at such a young age. Plus, Jeno often competes abroad. It would be difficult for him to balance out his schedules with his competitions and with school.
The first time Renjun accompanied Jeno to one of his overseas matches, it was because Jeno’s father and coach was unable to come with him to Beijing. Because of that, Renjun is the one who went with him for two reasons. First, Renjun wouldn’t mind visiting his home country, even if they completely moved to South Korea at such a young age. Second, Renjun is the person in their little friend group that Jeno is more comfortable with.
Sure, Donghyuck never misses a chance to check up on Jeno, and Jaemin always makes sure he has food to eat, and Yangyang never misses to phone him every day, but Renjun will always be the first one to look for Jeno, and always be the first one Jeno will look for.
Five years later, now that both Renjun and Jeno are in their early twenties and making a living already, they’re together in one of Jeno’s chess matches again. Though, the reason Renjun is here is because his job as a flight attendant stationed him at Manila, which is coincidentally the venue for Jeno’s competition.
It’s a little bit nerve wracking, at least for Renjun. Sure, they’ve all been pretty close since childhood, but each member of their friend group had to move to another place when college came. Although they still go home occasionally, it’s still a lot different from when they see each other every day.
In today’s case, it’s been one month since Renjun last saw Jeno. Renjun’s job always requires him to be in different places, so even when the gang gathers, he’s mostly the one unavailable due to geographical reasons. He’s pleasantly surprised when he finds out that his next station is also the venue for Jeno’s chess match. Jeno seems to be on the same page, because he contacted Renjun the instant he saw Renjun’s instagram story about landing.
They agreed to meet up at the hotel restaurant, along with Jeno’s teammates and a few of Renjun’s fellow flight attendants. Jeno’s team already knew Renjun because of their little friend group, so the spontaneous hangout is not at all awkward. Renjun’s friends from his job seem to be having a good time as well. Shotaro, in particular, seems to be getting along really well with a few of Jeno’s teammates.
As for Renjun and Jeno, they wasted no time in catching up. Renjun filled him in with the places he visited and Jeno filled him in with stories from back home (somehow, Jeno is now more frequent in South Korea than Renjun is). All throughout, Renjun’s heart feels light. He and Jeno haven’t seen each other for how long and yet they’re talking as if not a day passed by that they weren’t together.
At some point during the conversation, they even managed to video call the rest of their friends (Donghyuck cursed them at first, having been woken up from his sleep). They got so excited about talking that Jeno and Renjun insisted to stay behind while their friends returned to their rooms. Eventually, after Donghyuck almost falling asleep for the fifth time, they finally agreed to rest and ended the call. Jeno and Renjun bid their goodbyes and went to their respective rooms.
It would’ve been perfect, if only Renjun wasn’t locked out of his and Shotaro’s rooms. He tried knocking and calling his phone, but Shotaro seemed pretty knocked out to notice.
That’s how Renjun ended up sitting in the lobby, waiting for someone to come by the customer assistance counter so he can get a spare key. It’s only then that it sinks in how exhausted he is. His eyes feel like giving up and he’s sinking on the couch minute by minute.
He’s pretty sure he would’ve drifted to sleep if he didn’t hear someone’s voice calling him.
“Jun?”
He feels someone tap his shoulder lightly. When Renjun opens his eyes, he sees Jeno looking at him with concern.
“Hi,” he mumbles weakly, but with a smile. “What are you doing here?
“Getting some gatorade. I ran out last night. What are you doing here?” Jeno asks. “I thought you’re in your hotel room already?”
Renjun fails to stifle a yawn. “Shotaro accidentally locked me out. I couldn’t get in, so I’m waiting for a spare key.”
Jeno looks over to the counter, and then back to Renjun. “Have you talked to anyone yet?”
Renjun shakes his head. “I couldn’t find anyone.”
He hears Jeno mutter words under his breath and Renjun catches “poor service” and then a string of grumbles he can no longer decipher.
They stay there silently for a while, and Renjun is about to doze off once again when he says, “You’re going to get cold here.”
Renjun smirks as he looks at Jeno. “This is the part where you offer me your jacket.”
“I’m not wearing one.”
“What?”
Jeno gestures at his shirt. “Geez, Jun, you’re really drowsy. You have to sleep soon.”
“I know that,” Renjun sighs, his head leaning back on the couch. “But I can’t find any workers yet—“
“Come with me,” Jeno suggests.
Renjun blinks. “What?”
“Yeah, just sleep in my room,” Jeno says, shrugging. “Look, you clearly need rest. I can sleep on the couch, it’s big enough to be a bed.”
Renjun shakes his head. “It’s okay. I’m oka—“
But before he can even finish his sentence, another yawn betrays him. Jeno gives him a knowing look, and Renjun gives in.
“Fine,” Renjun says, extending his arms so Jeno can pull him up. “But I’m getting the couch.”
Jeno shakes his head as he helps Renjun. “No.”
“Jeno, I’m crashing on your couch.”
“I won’t let you.”
“It’s either the couch in your room, or the couch in this lobby.”
Jeno is silent.
“Oh, come on,” Renjun grumbles, weakly tugging him towards the elevator. “Let’s just go to your room.”
BEIJING, 5 YEARS AGO
After the soft kiss happened last night, Jeno falls asleep instantly. Renjun was left there with a tingling sensation on his lips, still staring at Jeno. He let five more minutes pass before he returned to his own room and let himself sleep.
The morning after, the sensation is still there. The memory of Jeno looking at him like nothing else matters is still clear in his mind.
Renjun checks his phone. 7:15 AM. He has to make sure Jeno is awake.
As he makes his way to Jeno’s room, he starts to wonder what would happen once they see each other. Would they talk about what happened? Is Jeno prepared to talk about what happened? Is Renjun?
When he opens the door, Jeno is already sitting up straight on his bed, drying his hair with a towel. He spots Renjun by the door frame and smiles.
“Good morning,” he greets. “Woke up early today so I took a shower early.”
Renjun nods slowly. “Great.”
There’s another round of silence, though it only reigned for less than a minute before Jeno broke it. “What time did you leave the room last night?”
Renjun blinks, confused. “What do you mean?”
“Last night,” Jeno repeats, pointedly looking at the foot of his bed. “Did you leave right away? Right after I took the pills and fell asleep.”
This time, Renjun freezes. He tries to study Jeno’s face and gets an idea, although Renjun isn’t sure that he likes it or not.
“Yeah,” Renjun lies. “You were keen on letting me out so I left.”
At that, Jeno lets out a sigh of relief and smiles at Renjun. “Okay, okay.”
Renjun can already feel his heart pounding. “Why?” He asks jokingly, faking a chuckle. “Did you dream of me?”
Jeno nods slowly. “Something like that. Nothing to worry about, though, it’s no big deal.”
The instant Jeno says those, Renjun’s heart drops. He remembers what Jeno told him about sleeping pills making him sleepwalk and do stuff half awake. Does that mean the kiss last night didn’t count, because Jeno thinks it isn't real?
On the contrary, it’s Renjun who lied first. Would Jeno have said or acted different if he only told the truth?
Either way, the moment has passed now.
“Come on,” Renjun forces a smile. “Let’s get some breakfast.”
MANILA, PRESENT DAY
“Damn, Lee,” Renjun comments as he takes in Jeno’s hotel room. “You got money.”
Jeno chuckles as he closes the door behind. “Still wouldn’t recommend this hotel the next time. They couldn’t even get you customer service when you need it.”
“Oh, screw customer service,” Renjun giggles as he plops down on Jeno’s extremely wide couch. “I like this place better. Yeah, I think I can sleep here.”
“I told you, you’re getting the bed and I’m getting the couch,” Jeno says, exasperated.
Renjun shakes his head. “Nope, if you make us switch sleeping places, I’ll return to the lobby and sleep there—you still drink that?”
Jeno follows Renjun’s eyes and sees the sleeping pills by the coffee table.
He sighs. “Yeah, I have a match tomorrow.”
Renjun looks at him with concern. “You can’t keep drinking that, you know. I don’t want your body getting too dependent on it.”
“Don’t worry,” Jeno smiles. “I’ll just drink one today because I have a match tomorrow.”
“But it’s in the evening!” Renjun protests. “You can get rest throughout the entire day.”
“Jun,” Jeno says as he sits beside him. “I know what I’m doing, okay?”
Renjun rolls his eyes.
“I’m serious!” Jeno adds. “I don’t even sleepwalk anymore.”
“Thank god, then,” Renjun laughs. “Otherwise you’re going to kiss me again.”
As soon as those words leave Renjun’s mouth, something shifts in the room’s atmosphere. The smiles on their faces quickly disappear. The way Jeno looks at him right now makes Renjun nervous.
“You said that was a dream,” Jeno says in a drop dead whisper.
Renjun doesn’t reply.
“You… it was real… and you kept it from me all these years… I thought I was…” Jeno pauses, hurt mirroring in his expression. “Why?”
Renjun can’t bear the betrayed look in Jeno’s face, so he looks away.
He hears Jeno let out a deep breath. “Did—do you regret it? Do you think it was a mistake?”
Renjun shakes his head. “No, of course not.”
Jeno lets out another pained sigh. “Then why?”
“Because we’re friends,” Renjun says quickly. “And I didn’t want us to be awkward. I didn’t want Jaemin and Yangyang and Donghyuck to worry about us. Plus, you’re this famous star of the world, pride of the country, charming boy and I was… not. I wasn’t sure if you wanted that… I wasn’t even sure if I wanted that.”
It feels like a weight being lifted off his chest. Renjun has carried this memory and the thoughts that came along with it all by himself for five years. He doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. Jeno might get mad at him, or choose not to talk to him anymore. But it’s been five years—and the truth is long overdue.
“Sorry I lied,” Renjun whispers under his breath.
Another round of silence. And then, “How about now?”
Renjun blinks, turning to look at Jeno again. The other guy is still looking at him, but with a different expression from before.
“What do you mean?” Renjun asks amidst his screaming insides.
“You said you didn’t know if you wanted that before,” Jeno says, looking at Renjun again with the same twinkling eyes from his memory five years ago. “How about now?”
Renjun looks at him and sees everything at once. There’s a reason he willingly looks after him every single time. There’s a reason he doesn’t want to leave him without making sure he’s okay. There’s a reason he didn’t move away when Jeno asked him the question that one night in Beijing.
With a yearning ache in his voice, Renjun says, “More than anything.”
Jeno wastes no time in holding Renjun’s face and kissing him.
All the exhibitions and all the holding back that Renjun has been doing for the past few years have been discarded as he kisses Jeno back. Where the kiss five years ago had been soft and tentative, this one is brave and sure. Renjun lets himself melt in Jeno’s embrace, the fervor in his chest growing as more minutes pass by.
“Jun,” Jeno breathes out as they pull apart to catch their breaths. “You’re worth more than what you think. You’re irrevocably beautiful.”
Renjun smiles at him before he pecks Jeno’s lips.
“Right back at you,” he whispers. “Bed?”
Jeno grins. “I thought you wanted to sleep on the couch?”
Renjun lightly smacks his arm as they share another round of laughter, and then Jeno kisses Renjun again.
Whether it's better than the first time, Renjun really can't tell. But he really doesn't mind, because no matter when it happened, him kissing Jeno feels exactly what it should be—an honest gesture of his heart.