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Pacey doesn’t really know what compels him to pick up the phone and dial her number.
(Well, he does know, it’s the same reason he never joins any of the other guys to go out at night, preferring to sit on the dock and watch the stars. It’s the same reason he felt his heart jump into his throat when he saw someone who looked just like her from behind the other day. But, at the moment, he doesn’t really know why he does it.)
Maybe he just wants to hear her voice. Maybe he just wants to tell her where he is and what he’s doing.
Maybe he’s an idiot who’s still in love with his ex-girlfriend.
Cradling the pay phone against the crook of his shoulder, he held his breath as he listened to it ring on the other end. One, two, three times. He began to think she wouldn’t pick up, and he would get the answering machine, he almost would have been okay with that. He remembered the day she had recorded the outgoing message and how she had glared at him, chastising him for making her laugh when she was trying to be in Serious Business mode.
“Hello?” Her voice snapped him from the memory and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, his stomach twisting and heart beating so loudly he could hear it pounding in his ears. “Hello?”
He couldn’t help the grin that appeared on his face when he heard the slight irritation in her voice. God he missed that. However, he still couldn’t find his voice, realizing he was content to just stand here and listen to her until she got annoyed and hung up.
There was a beat of silence and Pacey was sure that he was about to hear the dial tone, but instead he heard a soft gasp.
“Pacey…” Her voice was small and soft and Pacey’s heart constricted in his chest. “Pacey, is that you?” A little louder, but still tainted with an unbearable softness that Pacey so rarely heard from her.
“Yeah.” He finally said, shaking his head at the sheer idiocy of his response. Haven’t talked to the girl in weeks and that’s the best you can do? Idiot. “Hi.”
“Hi.” She replied, there was a slight hesitation to her voice that tugged at Pacey’s heartstrings. He couldn’t blame her, he supposed, he had left without saying goodbye, giving her weeks of radio silence before finally calling her. Everything he had done, had been for his own good, and he had no regrets, but he still felt a twinge of guilt at the idea of hurting her. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.” Pacey shrugged, looking up at the streets. He was surrounded by people, but even over the phone, Joey still has that ability to make him feel like they’re the only two people in the world. “How about you?”
Joey let out a shaky breath and it hurt Pacey to know that he had caused her any pain. He had hoped that leaving, giving her a summer to get ready for college alone would be painless. “I’m okay.” She said after a moment. “Really, I am.”
There was another moment of silence. There was another reason he called, he wanted to explain things to her. To apologize for leaving without telling her, for doing the one thing she had hated her mom and dad for. He didn’t know why he felt like he owed her an explanation, it’s not like they were together anymore.
But he supposed that was the curse of being hopelessly in love with someone that you have no right to still be hopelessly in love with.
“Good.” He finally said, letting out a shaky sigh. “Listen, Jo,”
“Pacey, really, it’s okay.” She said, cutting him off before he could even begin his explanation. “Trust me, if you had called two weeks ago I would have torn your head off, but it’s okay.”
Pacey paused, teeth worrying his bottom lip before he took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.”
The words come out fast and quiet, the apology the root of everything that he feels and wants to say. He appreciates that Joey isn’t looking for an explanation, but he still feels like he owes an apology. “A little over a year ago, you tore my head off because I tried to leave without telling you and then I went ahead and did it anyway.”
Pacey swears he can hear her smile over the phone, that understanding grin that she gets right before she tells him that whatever is worrying him isn’t worth his time. “I was never mad that you left without saying goodbye. I might have told everyone that I was, but I wasn’t.” She sighs, and Pacey imagines her tucking her hair behind her ear and he grins to himself. “Hurt and upset, but never mad.”
She doesn’t give him the chance to talk, not that he would know what to say, his throat constricting as he swallowed back a bundle of tears that suddenly sprang up. “But, the more I thought about it, the more I understood why you did what you did. And the more I couldn’t be upset with you anymore.”
“I didn’t do it because I didn’t want to say goodbye.” He admits, somewhat sheepishly. This had definitely not been what he had planned on explaining, but Joey had a funny way of getting him to pour his heart out, just by her mere existence on this earth.
“I know.” She says softly, and Pacey knows it’s the truth. He can hear the understanding in her voice. “I guess I just hope that it doesn’t become a habit.”
“What do you mean?” He asks, chuckling softly.
“Pacey, I know you said before graduation that you couldn’t handle being friends and while I was really hurt at the time, I understood. I still understand. It’s just,” She took a deep breath and Pacey’s mind flashed back to that day on his porch, when he had shrugged off Joey’s attempt at friendship, knowing that if he gave her the inch she so desperately wanted, he’d end up giving her the mile he swore he couldn’t. “I just hope that we can someday get back to being friends someday, and that next time you feel like you can say goodbye.”
She paused, sighing softly. “Because you know, when all that hurt faded, all I had left was missing you.”
Pacey smiled sadly, an inexplicable feeling of grief and longing filling his chest. “I miss you too, Jo.”
A steady silence settled between them then, the phone weighing heavy against his hand, but he refused to let go. Refused to hang up and release the thread that held him to her in this moment. Part of this summer was supposed to be about moving on, developing a life without her, proving to himself that he could survive and be okay without her, and for the most part, he was doing okay with all of that. But now that he had her here, even if it was just over the phone, he had a hard time convincing himself that letting her go again was a good idea.
“So, where are you?” She asked after a couple of moments. “I’m a little jealous that you seem to be somewhere warm and exotic.”
Pacey laughed softly, looking around him. “I actually can’t remember the name of the island, but we’re somewhere off the coast of Florida. It’s like eighty degrees today, the sun’s shining, the water’s beautiful.”
“Sounds like you’re having a miserable summer.” Joey snarked, causing Pacey to snort. “I’m sure you’re so jealous of the clouds and rain we’ve had for the last week.”
“Yeah, definitely not sorry I missed that.” He said, taking a deliberate pause before adding. “I can’t complain though, this is quickly becoming one of the best summers of my life.”
He knew that the hidden meaning of his words didn’t go unnoticed. While this summer was definitely an improvement on the countless summers he spent trolling around Capeside, forced to check in with his dad and watch Joey stare longingly at a clueless Dawson, but nothing would ever beat last summer.
That would forever go down as the greatest summer of his entire life.
“I’m glad.” Joey says softly. “Really, Pacey, I’m glad that you’re having a great time. You deserve it.”
“Thanks, Jo.” He says, smiling. “What about you? What are you up to? Causing trouble in Capeside?”
“Oh, you know it.” She drawls, no doubt a smirk appearing on her lips. “I didn’t get home until nine thirty last night, crazy, I know.”
Pacey laughs, hearty and full and he’s rewarded with the sound of her giggle on the other end. God , he missed her laugh. “Scaring off all the tourists I’m sure. Any fun plans coming up?”
“Yeah, actually.” Joey says, and Pacey leans against the side of the pay phone. He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there, but he has no desire for the conversation to be over. “Jen, Jack and I are going to Boston in a couple of days. Apparently, Ms. Ryan found a house and wants us to go and stake it out.”
Pacey nodded, smiling. It was nice, to hear her talk about Boston, and in a vague sense, her future. Everything she had always wanted was finally right there in front of her and he couldn’t be more proud of her.
“So, they finally settled on Boston Bay?”
“Yup. Jen has been obsessively looking through the course catalogue to find every single women’s studies and gender class to take. Jack on the other hand is making a list of every single place that we need to go on the weekends.”
“Well, that’ll be fun.” Pacey said, a smile still on his face, but a sense of sadness that he didn’t quite understand overwhelmed him. “I’m glad that you guys are all going to be together next year.”
Joey sighed softly, and Pacey swore he heard her swallow down a sob, but he couldn’t be sure. It made him want to cry. “Yeah, me too.” Her voice was quiet and she suddenly sounded so small and far away.
He hated it.
There was a time not that long ago where Pacey would have been part of that equation. While they had never had concrete conversations, it had been vaguely talked about in the last couple months before their break up, that they would be together after high school. But, that dream had quickly shattered, and it hurt Pacey, even if it had been of his own accord.
While he knew what had happened between them had been for the best, at least for her sake, he couldn’t help but wonder sometimes where he would be if they were still together. No doubt he would be going on that Boston trip with her, Jen and Jack, maybe he would be looking for a job in the city, or trying to bum the couch off of Jen and Jack.
He knew it was pointless, what was done was done and he had to have faith that they’d all be better for it, but he couldn’t help but dream about it. Especially now, when he wished more than anything that he could take her into his arms.
A noise in the background on Joey’s end interrupted his thoughts, which was probably for the best, and he smiled sadly to himself.
“Pace, I have to go.” Joey said, sounding like she wished she didn’t. “Bessie just got home and needs my help putting groceries away and making dinner.”
“Uh oh, you in the kitchen? You’re not making food for the guests are you?” Joey gasped in indignation and Pacey chuckled, chest warming when he heard her light giggle on the other end.
He could practically see her with her hand on her hip as she retorted back to him, “I’ll have you know that I am great in the kitchen, just because I don’t understand the fancy chef words that Bodie uses doesn’t mean I’m useless.”
“I kid, I kid, I’m sure all the guests will love their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that you inevitably have to make when you burn whatever you were cooking at first.” Pacey can’t help but continue to tease her, if only so he can hear the high trill of her laugh.
“Ha, ha, ha. You’re so funny.” Joey deadpans and Pacey laughs once more, the sadness and grief and loneliness that had felt before being overtaken by a joy of being able to talk to her and make her laugh, and know that they’re in a better place than they were last time they saw each other.
“I know, I’m hilarious, but really you should be going now so I’ll save the rest of my comedy routine for a later date.”
“Oh, I’m absolutely buzzing with anticipation.”
They both pause, neither wanting to hang up and both knowing that they need to. Pacey decided that he was going to be the first one to say goodbye, as much as his heart didn’t want to, he knew it’s what had to happen.
“Well, I’ll let you go, Bessie is probably glaring at you so I’ll save you from her wrath.”
Joey sighed in amusement, “Yeah, she’s definitely giving me the look. It was really nice talking to you, Pacey.”
“You too, Jo. I hope you have a really good rest of your summer, don’t work too hard and don’t stress out too much about Worthington, you’re gonna do great.”
“Thanks, Pace.” She paused and Pacey hovered in anticipation, knowing her well enough to know that there was something else on her mind. “And Pace, in case I haven’t said it enough, I’m really, really proud of you. You worked so hard the last couple years and you did it, and I’m so proud of you.”
If Pacey had had any doubts (he didn’t) that he was still harboring a very deep love for the girl on the other end of the phone, they all faded away at her words. Joey had told him before that she was proud of him, he remembered one time in particular, after his 18th birthday, when she had whispered in the dark, silence of his car when he had driven her home how proud she was of him for handling everything with his dad with such maturity. It had meant a lot to him, at the time, especially when she had kissed him on the forehead and caressed her thumb against his cheek.
But it somehow meant even more, now. That after everything he had done to her, all the hurt he had put her through, she still felt that way.
“Thank you, Jo. That means a lot, especially coming from you.”
He hoped she didn’t miss the emphasis in his voice, that she understood what he was really trying to say, even if he didn’t totally understand it himself. But, he had a funny feeling she would, she was good like that.
“Of course, I speak only the truth.” She paused, and Pacey could practically see the smile on her face. “I’ll talk to you later, Pace.”
“Yeah, later, Joey.”
She hesitated for a second before hanging up, the dial tone ringing in his ear. He couldn’t bring himself to be disappointed though, the smile lingering on his face. He finally sighed softly, hanging the phone up and looking up at the street. The sun was beginning it’s descent, bathing the town in a pale pink light.
It was a beautiful sight.
While part of Pacey couldn’t help but miss last summer, when a sight like that would have been appreciated on the deck of True Love , with Joey in his arms, he couldn’t help but still feel a warmth in his body, even if he was looking at this sight alone.
Besides, he had her in his heart, and that was enough.