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It was getting late into the night. The incandescent bulbs on the street lamps are already lit, coloring the town a dull shade of yellow. There are only a handful of people milling by, probably in a hurry to get home for dinner.
Soonyoung knows he should pick up his pace as well but instead, he stops on the bridge and takes a break from his walk. It’s a peaceful and quiet night anyway. He stands by the railings, arms folded over them as he looks up to the sky and takes a deep breath. He closes his eyes and remembers.
A little over a month ago, around the same hour in this same place, Soonyoung knelt on one knee and asked his long-term lover to marry him. He was nervous – too nervous to even look at the man in front of him. Every part of his body was shaking except for his hands that were holding the box out.
“Soonyoung.” At the mention of his name, he finally looks at Chan but that wasn’t the expression he expected to see on his boyfriend.
“I’m sorry—” Chan trails off as he closed the box presented to him. He holds Soonyoung’s hands and helps him stand. “We should go home. It’s getting late and dinner might get cold.”
The memory was willed away when Soonyoung opened his eyes. He turns around and presses his back against the railings. The few people he saw earlier are gone now and Soonyoung can see the streets and all the establishments better. A smile crosses his lips as he begins to reminisce more about him and Chan.
They’re the most mundane things but Soonyoung knows that they’re his happiest moments. He thinks back to years ago when he and Chan chased each other across this bridge while making their way home from school. His gaze looks at the direction that they used to run towards and he barely spots the next memory location.
A few blocks away is a fast-food joint that they usually went to. Sometimes, Soonyoung fondly recalls, an ice cream vendor would pass by that corner and they would jump out from their seats just to buy popsicles. He and Chan made that place their official hangout until it eventually became the venue of their first date.
Further down that street would be a crossroad. It’s where they usually separate ways since Soonyoung’s house is to the right while Chan goes left to reach home. Though there are exceptions since they like staying over at each other’s place.
Their relationship endured through college and they still went strong as a couple despite being stressed-out working adults. Given their history, Soonyoung was so sure of this relationship which led him to propose. But apparently, he was wrong. “Why?” he sighs, asking no one in particular.
The silence was broken by the sound of footsteps approaching. Soonyoung hides himself in the shadow of the nearby lamp post as a man in a black sweatshirt comes into view.
Chan?
Soonyoung notices Chan’s sweater is a size too big for him. “Isn’t that mine?” he whispers to himself while sporting a soft look towards the younger.
Chan puts his arms on the railings then opens his hands that were holding a small white box. He opens the box to reveal a familiar silver band with a small diamond.
“Soonyoung, my dearest, I’m sorry. I got so scared and I don’t know why. I’m sorry I didn’t say yes when I should have just said yes.” Chan clutches the box tight enough to turn his knuckles white. “Who the fuck is stupid enough to say no to you?” His tears start to fall.
Soonyoung wants to just go over there, hold his lover tight, and wipe his tears away. He restrains himself, however, because he wants to hear more.
“I love you so much.” Chan manages between sobs. “I shouldn’t have let you go. I’m sorry, my dearest. Please forgive me. I’m a fucking coward who doesn’t deserve you but you chose to love someone like me.” He takes a breath, hands trembling more. “You always understood! You fought for us and the only thing I could tell you is ‘I need to think about it’ yet you still chose to understand!”
Chan’s shoulders are shaking. He kept crying for a few more minutes and Soonyoung just waited. Once Chan calmed down, he took the ring out of the box. Soonyoung’s eyes grow wide as he mentally pleads “Please don’t throw it, please”. But Chan carefully places it on his left ring finger.
Soonyoung begins to cry.
“I’d love to spend the rest of my life with you.” Chan declares as held up his left hand, admiring the ring that fit perfectly around his finger. “You’re my only definition of love, Soonyoung. But don’t worry my dearest because I want you to go.”
A faint smile makes its way to his lips and Chan continues. “I’ll be here loving you for as long as I can. Don’t be stubborn and try to tell me to love another. You already gave me a ring and I accept. This is a lifetime commitment for me and that’s final.” He smiles and puts his hand down, eyes never leaving the ring. “It’s so beautiful, Soonyoung. Thank you.”
Chan pockets the box and looks up to the sky adorned with stars. “I love you, dearest. I hope you go safe and happy. Don’t worry about me, hm? I’ll also look out for your parents, I promise.”
Chan walks away and Soonyoung comes out of hiding to closely follow his lover. When they arrive at the crossroad separating their homes, Soonyoung stops. Chan makes his turn and Soonyoung just looks at Chan’s back moving further.
Soonyoung smiles despite the tears forming in his eyes. “Chan, I love you. I would do anything for you and everything that you’d ask for. So of course, I’ll grant your last request. I’ll go safe and happy.” A tear falls from his eye as he looks down, seeing bare feet on the pavement. And against the empty street, Soonyoung softly declares “I love you so much, my dearest.”
Chan arrives home and his mom immediately asks him where he ran out at such a late hour. He said he just sent his last message to his lover, explaining to them that Soonyoung was always insistent on properly saying goodbye whenever they part. Chan is just making sure that he properly did that for the last time.
Chan proceeds to help clean up and arrange things at the table. He then thanks Soonyoung’s parents for coming over and letting him arrange the small family gathering that marked Soonyoung’s forty days.
~There’s this belief that a soul wanders the Earth for 40 days where the soul would visit significant places from their days of living.~