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Kirishima dug his nails into the palm of his hands. His body shook with such intense hatred. His eyes were forced shut to stop the tears from forming. He refuses to break down in public. He doesn't even have a good reason to have a breakdown. How could he explain to anyone what's going on through his head?
His reason for a potential break down is stupid and selfish. No one deserves to be a witness to his breakdown, that in all, was over nothing. He bit down on his lip in an attempt to silent a whimper that he could feel throughout his throat. He knew he had to leave now but his body…
It was completely frozen in place.
All he could do was look at Mina on her knees, crying while two girls comforted her. She just sent a gigantic man to the police station in an attempt to help out the two girls who were intimated and terrified of the man. Mina stepped into the situation with no hesitation. There's no way Kirishima could compare to her and he knew that with every ounce within his body.
After a few more moments of Kirishima staring at Mina and the two girls, he finally felt feeling come back into his body. He took a shaky breath and gripped his backpack's strap with intense force to ground himself so he can make it home without crying. He slowly started walking home however half way through his route he felt like he wasn't gonna make it before the tears slipped through. He sniffled and tightened his grip on his bag's strap even harder hoping to calm him down for a little while more. It felt like everyone's eyes were on him but in actuality no one even cared to give him a glance. And he knew that. 'You need to stop! How self centered can you be to think anyone would even look at you? You know you're not a main character. No one cares.' Kirishima scolded himself in his head. He didn't understand why but the harsh tone he thought it in made everything worse.
When he finally reached his front door, he was shaky and could feel little tears falling from his eyes. Not enough to be deemed crying but enough to know that once it kicks in, there's gonna be no stopping it. He fumbled with the key a few times and took longer than usual to unlock the door because of his blurry vision. The only good thing Kirishima could think about was the fact that his mother was off at work. He could finally let it all out without worrying about how loud he was being.
Once Kirishima was inside, he took off his shoes and speed walked to his room. The moment he entered his room, it all came crashing down on him. He collapsed to his knees and hugged himself. His tears came down faster and harsher than a waterfall. Sobs after sobs was the only thing that filled the room for a long period of time.
Kirishima wanted everything to stop. He wanted the feeling of despair to stop. He wanted to stop feeling like there will be no tomorrow. He wanted to stop feeling like the whole world was crushing in on him. He wanted to stop being a burden. He just wanted it all to stop.
But most of all, he wanted to stop the growing feeling of hatred and anger growing inside him. It was so bitter, intense and nasty. He didn't want to get like this. It isn't who he is.
He doesn't know what caused it but he keeps getting worse. He's turning bitter and cold and he hates that. He doesn't even understand why those feelings happen and why it was pointed at people who didn't deserve it. Why did he feel this way towards his mom? Towards his classmates? But the biggest thing he didn't understand is why the majority of his hatred went towards Mina. She never did anything wrong to him.
Why was it that whenever he saw Mina he felt worse? He understood that he looked up to her. How she could easily step into any situation within a heartbeat, how she could easily laugh things off and not have them affect her, and how nothing seemed to hold her back in life. He understood all of these reasons were why he admired her so much but what he doesn't understand is why the same things that made him look up to her was slowly turning into the reason for his jealousy and envy towards her. His thoughts were so bitter when he thought of her.
The more he thought about how he hated Mina, the more anger grew at himself. It wasn't fair to Mina for him to redirect his self-hatred towards her. She didn't deserve to be thought of in such a way.
He unwrapped his arms from around him and dragged his bookbag from where he dropped it when he entered his room. He dug through the messy papers in his bag and finally slipped out the application for UA. Kirishima walked over to his desk and snatched a pen off of it. His hand shakes while he scratches ink all over the application form.
Once he was done marking up the paper, he gasped in shock. He was surprised that he actually amused the thoughts inside his head. He didn't even realize he actually did it until he looked down and saw what his own hands had done. He just sabotaged himself!
"Why?" He asked himself. He knew why he did it and honestly, he thinks it's for the better good if he doesn't apply.
What was he thinking ? Someone like him going to UA? What a joke. He couldn't even stop a classmate from getting bullied this morning. Not to mention so many other things about him that just wouldn't fit into UA.
His quirk wasn't flashy, he freezes up whenever things get serious, he wasn't even that smart in his regular classes, how could he even keep up with UA courses? Not to mention some other things…
"Eijirou, dear, why can't you like girls like a normal boy your age?" A familiar woman's voice echoed through his head. The way his mother's usually sweet and soothing voice sounded so rough and disappointed, it made his heart ache.
His sobs and whimpers grew louder. Why did he have to think about that now? He was already having such a bad day, he didn't need to remember how much of a disgrace he is to his own mother.
At this point, Kirishima was no longer just crying, he was gasping for air. His chest was so tight. His head hurt so much.
He couldn't breathe.
Kirishima raked a hand through his black hair and tugged through a knot. He continued to make more choking noises. He wasn't getting enough air and he knew it. He could feel it affecting him. Even though his body was moving and shaking, he couldn't feel it. His entire body was numb. He had no will power. His head was worse. He was so, so, so light headed, he felt like he was about to pass out or drop dead. And then his throat hurt so much as if something from inside of him was choking him.
He couldn't breathe.
And nothing that usually grounded him was grounding him this time. No matter how much he gripped or pulled on himself, he still couldn't get air or calm himself down.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Why?! Why?! I just want to be someone else! Please!" He mumbled to himself over and over again.
He couldn't breathe.
Inside of Kirishima's head, he was repeatedly apologizing to nearly everyone he has ever met. His mom, every single one of his teachers, his classmates from every school year, the employees he would meet whenever he goes to pick up a snack after school, and Mina. Every apology that he made became louder and more desperate.
He still couldn't breathe.
His whole body continued to shake. Why in the world did he even try? How egoistic and self-centered does he have to be to think he even has a chance?! He was nothing like a hero. He was nothing like Mina. Mina was bound to get into the hero course, him on the other hand would probably just barely make it into the general course. He should just give up. He has to give up. There's no chance someone as plain, boring and disappointing as him could ever come close to being accepted in.
Without thinking, Kirishima grabbed his pencil case out of his backpack and threw it to the other side of the room. He doesn't really know why he did it but he did. His body was just doing what his mind was urging him to do and apparently, throwing something across the room was it.
The pencil case ended up aiming itself at his computer, more specifically his keyboard. The pencil case ended up cracking open and spilling most of his supplies onto the floor while some pencils rolled on his desk.
But where his supplies ended up wasn't what Kirishima was focusing on. No, he was focusing on a voice he adored. He came to the conclusion that whatever happened when he threw his pencil case must have clicked the play button on his keyboard. He heard a voice he loved with all his heart.
Crimson Riot's.
The last video he watched was an interview from his idol. It was one of the interviews that gave Kirishima so much hope.
"What exactly does manly mean to you?" The female interviewer asked.
"Manly to me?" Crimson Riot paused for a second. "Manly to me is living life with no regrets." Crimson finished. Kirishima could basically hear the joyful smile in the man's voice that he knew he was sporting.
Kirishima sniffed while wiping his eyes with his hands. He doesn't understand why that one sentence has such an impact on him. He probably will never understand why.
Those few words gave him something to ground himself on. He could finally somewhat breathe. Kirishima has always looked up to Crimson Riot and knowing that his definition of manly was to live life with no regrets. Well, he couldn't help but feel guilty for what he did to his form. He knew from the bottom of his heart that if he didn't at least try to get in, he would deeply regret it and in Crimson Riot's eyes, that's unmanly.
Taking a deep breath, Kirishima slowly got up onto his shaky legs. He felt dizzy and overwhelmed by the simple motion but that was to be expected. His shaking hands clenched onto the messed up application form. He dragged himself to his desk's chair and dropped down into the seat. When he sat down it felt like some unknown force was forcing him back. Away from the one thing that could fix his impulsive mistake. But he didn't obey the feeling, instead he power through the simple task that would grant him a future.
Kirishima snatched the wite-out from behind his computer. He took a breathe in and started applying the wite-out to the areas he marked out. Kirishima sniffed and bit his lip. He wanted to cry some more, but not dreadful tears, he wanted to cry out of hope. Once he was finished fixing his mistake, he started to fill it out. His handwriting was a little bit messier than usual because of his shaky hands. Kirishima let out a sigh of relief. He's finally doing it.