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You are a young genderless slime blob standing in a room with a window and a mirror. It just so happens that today, the 26th new moon of the year is your birthday. Although it was 73 652 days ago you were given life, it is only today you will be given a chance to choose a career and go on a quest.
You get so thrilled over this new information, you completely overlook that you have exactly no recollection of how you got into this room or even of your own past.
After you calm down and stop wiggling in a very silly but joyful way you spot a panel, you notice it’s looking rather futuristically, given the medieval setting you live in. You are a bit wary of it since you have no idea if it was always here or just manifested itself out of thin air and because it seems to be using technology never seen before. Thankfully, after examining it thoroughly you can confidently say it is simply a device to select your line of work.
You browse through its 12 million career options, and although Chain Chomp nanny option catches your eye you are looking for one specific job – a thief. Despite your amnesia, you have a piercing feeling that this is the profession you have longed for your entire life.
The moment you confirm your job application, you spawn into a busy street. It takes you a few minutes to take in what happened since ‘spawn’ isn’t a verb copacetic with the abstract behavioural medium in which you exist.
It seems you have spawned on a busy marketplace, and judging by a large variety of intelligent species around you, it is safe to say you are on neutral grounds. Since combat is prohibited in cities located within this area a wave of relief washes over you. You don’t know what you would have done if you had appeared somewhere near cave spiders!
You decide to replenish your glucose, you have to keep the levels high or else you’ll get a terrible headache. So you ask a passing by selkie for directions to the nearest tavern. When you get in you ask the taverner for a plate of dried pineapple. While you are enjoying your meal, a demon sits next to you, and the two of you start chatting.
You have never seen a being like her, lacking both eyes and mouth, yet capable of speech and sight, and her skin changing its colours so fast you are getting eye strain. A possibly enchanted ruby amulet oozing blood hangs on her neck. She orders a non-alcoholic drink and pours it over her head, she says that’s just how she drinks. The liquid is all over the place. You are absolutely mesmerized by her.
However, as hours pass you start feeling rather dizzy and fatigued. At first, you think it was caused by the constant change of hue in front of you, but when the taverner, instead of receipt, hands you a note saying “mate, it’s a slime-eating kind of demon” something clicks and you suddenly remember you were taught about this species in elementary school and their ability to lure and exhaust slimes.
When you look at her with horror in your eyes she has her claws ready to catch you in her grasp. As an aspiring thief, you are, you snatch her amulet and roll away as fast as aerodynamics let you.
You stop only after you realise it has gotten dark and you are utterly exhausted. It looks like you made it into slums. You will have to find a place to spend the night in. After you inspect your surroundings you discover a small deserted house, apart from missing windows it seems to be intact and safe. You happily make your way into it and lie down on what’s left of the bed. Before you fall asleep you thank gods you have no circulatory system so you don’t have to worry about bed bugs and fleas.
A horrifying hissing wakes you up at dawn. You open your eyes and there, in the middle of the room, you see… a wizard?
His face is contorted into a twisted grin, he is glowing red, and although his robes are on fire, he isn't. Eventually, he stops glowing and turns to ash. You are completely baffled. What did you just witness?
Anyway, you carefully examine his ashes and discover another amulet made of green coral and a strange kind of leather. You tinker it a bit and it opens! Inside there is a piece of paper with a warning: “Beware! Contains explosives, handle carefully.” You store it safely inside your own body and do your best to not think about it as you go back to bed.
A sudden blast of wind slams into you and you fall to the ground. You struggle against the invisible hands tearing you apart but realize it’s a losing battle.
„Why are you hurting me, ghost?” You shriek in panic.
The invisible assailant stops torturing you and you take a deep breath. Out of nowhere, the ghost turns into a demon, its black cruel eyes burning into yours.
“I'm using you as practice,” it says and then disappears.
If you thought you were horrified before, you genuinely don’t know how to call this feeling. You might actually go insane, your entire jiggly body is shaking and you are incapable of movement. Large tears are rolling down your face. Are you even still alive?
You don’t know how, but you manage to wiggle out of the house. Your movements are slow, your mind is clouded and you feel like you are only watching yourself from afar. But your body seems to be heading towards a specific direction, maybe on instinct, maybe by memory.
You enter the sewers and wobble for a long time until you reach a threshold of an ancient church. However, you are so exhausted from the lack of sleep and series of horrible encounters you collapse on the ground with a loud ‘thud’.
A priest sprints to your side, “Is something wrong, my child?” You explain to her that you were attacked by a demon.
“By the gods! A demon? We must do something about that!” You nod enthusiastically and ask for an exorcism. She flyes to the altar and returns with holy water and a silver shape. She sprinkles the holy water on the floor where you were laying and hits you several times with the shape. You feel a tingling sensation and realize that all the demons left your body! The priest kneels and blesses your head. “Thanks to the gods, you are all right.” You are so grateful, you donate a few coins to church. The priest takes you to her own room to rest until you are in a shape to continue on your journey.
When you wake up, from the best slumber you ever had, you try to make your way to the altar to thank the priest. But that proves to be rather difficult, given that this church is built like that Swedish marketplace. When you finally find the priest, she isn’t responding, you investigate her, but find nothing strange. You ponder a while and then notice something suspicious. Her head is missing!
Rage fills your entire body, who could have done something like that? You scan your surroundings and discover a note, it's a message from the leader of the Goat-eating Angels. The note mentions that she was killed by them. It also says that they found a list of all the members and their roles in the organization. You have no idea what that could mean, but you feel the need to avenge the priest.
You decide to make your way to the miniature castle that the Goat-eating Angels have taken control of. After you examine the tiny building, it appears that all Goat-eating Angel troops are together in one room. You sneak in and throw the explosive amulet into the crowd of your enemies, the explosion is strong enough to destroy the entire front of the small castle and to kill every single Angel in the area.
You explore the area further and discover a hidden room untouched by the explosion, in there you see, presumably, the leader of the Goat-eating Angels. His appearance is much more masculine than the other’s Angels were, and his skin is covered by golden ornamental tattoos. You observe him for a couple of minutes. The leader is kneeling and praying in front of some religious statue. Out of nowhere, he turns to you and exclaims: “So you've come to kill me!”
A sudden fear strikes you as he glares at you. His face is twisted into a sick grin, his teeth are crooked like wires and his thousands of bloody eyes are all scattered over his chest. You genuinely believe you are going to die. So you do the most logical thing and flirt with him. You compliment his appearance, however, he doesn’t respond.
“How's your mother?” You continue to flirt. He begins to look around and then turns red and starts running away from you in fear.
A gun appears by your side and you shot him in the leg, subsequently making him fall on his face. As he is writhing in pain you shot him in the head, he dies instantly. While you are inspecting his corpse you feel a sharp pain in your head and realise you are starving, so you cook and devour him. His meat is crunchy and not at all rich in glucose! But it does the job. After eating such a large amount of food, you start feeling tired and fall asleep deeply.
Blunt pain in your side wakes you up. You open your eyes and see a juvenile Winged Sixteen-nosed Goat pinching you. When she notices you are awake her face lightens up and she starts jumping and clapping her hooved hands.
“The Hero is alive! The Hero is alive!” she screams, it freaks you out and you try to crawl away from her just to bump into another one, but significantly older.
“Excuse the small one, she gets excited easily,” she speaks with a low and wise tone, “but, I too have to admit that it is challenging to hide the gratefulness we all feel towards you.” She spreads her arms as to include others. That’s when you notice that you are surrounded by dozens Winged Sixteen-nosed Goats. Another realization hits you as you comprehend that the priest that saved you was also one of them. What a dummy you are! Open your eyes next time!
“This morning we received a letter saying that our monastery, that was violently taken from us, was no longer occupied by those horrible Angels and that they were all massacred by an unknown hero.” She states with tears in her eyes and you just stare at her, mouth agape. “We rushed here, in hopes of meeting you and fulfilling an ancient prophecy. We found you here, passed out after a rough fight.” Wait, a prophecy? What? You are so confused.
The elder Winged Goat makes a weird gesture with her hand and two Goats bring a child in front of you. “The prophecy predicted you would come and save our race from the evil Angels, that you would carry an amulet crying blood and that you would be my parent.”
You don’t really get what is happening, but for some reason, it sounds plausible. Despite the little one not resembling you at all, given its multiple eyes and mouths, a mermaid tail and horns, you don’t really care. Adoption is a great thing and blood is milk! You smile at your kid and give it the demon’s amulet. “So it really is you!” the child smiles and hugs you. You are overjoyed, you really weren’t expecting to become a hero and have a family in like three days since your quest started!
After that, you, your kin and Winged Sixteen-nosed Goats rebuild the tiny castle (or monastery? you are not sure). Apparently, the amulet gives your child really cool psychic powers so you managed to rebuild the sacred building in a few days.
From then on you lived here together in peace, you became vegetarian and fell in love with gardening. On one stormy night, a beautiful shape-shifter asked for a shelter at the monastery and you two formed a beautiful platonic relationship.
Following the years of learning how to communicate, raise a kid and understand each other as best as you can, you get platonic-married and adopt a blind black cat. All four of you live a happy life at the monastery and die at a very old age.
But you all get resurrected by the gods and placed on the sky as a constellation. Creatures of all races made up many beautiful myths about you, and you lived lovingly forever, literally.