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Eddie pulls into the driveway, his hands still shaking as they had been the entire drive home from the restaurant. The date had been...fine. Ana had looked beautiful, stunning really, and she’d been so nice and sweet and Eddie just—didn’t care.
He’d thought that he had wanted to go out with her. Had even been looking forward to tonight, spent an hour picking out an outfit, Buck judging every choice and rating it on a scale of 1 to 10 until he’d found the perfect one. He’d bought Ana flowers, pulled her chair out for her at the restaurant, drank wine for the first time in god knows how long, paid for dinner, walked Ana to her car and stood there like an idiot until she kissed his cheek and said goodnight, waving goodbye to him as she got into her car.
He’d done everything right. So why did it all feel so...wrong? He’d been careful about what he talked about at dinner, overly aware of the fact that Ana was not used to the 118’s normal routine of discussing gross calls during mealtimes. He’d kept the conversation to safe, neutral things, listened to Ana talk about her students, nodded and laughed at all the right parts.
But everything just felt off. He’d found himself drifting while she was talking, wishing to be at home with Buck and Christopher, sitting on the couch and playing video games. What was wrong with him? He was on a date with one of the most beautiful women he’d ever met, a woman he genuinely liked, his first date since that last horrible, heartbreaking dinner with Shannon, and all he could think about was how he wished he was somewhere else.
Well. Not exactly somewhere else. Someone else.
The someone else in question, he’d realized, was currently inside his house, babysitting his kid while Eddie was supposed to be out on a date enjoying himself. Not sitting in his driveway, wondering how he was going to tell Buck that he didn’t want to go on a date with Ana because he wanted to go on a date with him .
Yeah, that conversation would go over great. Because who wouldn’t want to date Eddie Diaz? The guy who wasn’t enough for his own wife to want to stay with him and raise their child together. The guy who still wakes up from nightmares every week about that helicopter crash or nearly drowning in that well. The guy who’s barely let anyone get close to him for years because he knows that if he does, they’ll see him for the broken, fucked up mess he truly is.
He couldn’t do that to Buck. Sweet, selfless Buck, who always wears his heart on his sleeve, who gives everything he has to the people he cares about, who has always been there for him and Christopher whenever they needed him. Buck deserves better than him. Deserves better than a pieced together disaster of PTSD and self-worth issues who’s never had a healthy relationship in his life.
But still . Even though he knows he’s not worthy of Buck, will never be worthy of Buck, there’s still some small part of him that whispers what if, what if, what if?
What if he could have Buck, as more than his best friend? What if they could have a life together, going on dates and eating breakfast in the mornings with Christopher? What if he could touch and kiss and hold Buck like he so desperately wants to, like he finally realized he’s wanted to for so long?
What if, just this once, he gets to be happy?
Eddie pushes open the front door and is greeted with the sight of Buck lounging on the couch, his ridiculously long legs sprawled everywhere, drinking a beer and watching what looks like the end of Finding Nemo , Chris’s all time favorite movie. Buck’s face instantly brightens when he sees Eddie come in, a wide smile spreading across his face, and Eddie can’t fucking breathe , because Buck is here , he’s in his house, his home , and Eddie never wants him to be anywhere else, and he has no goddamn idea how to tell him that.
“Hey, man, how did the date go?” Buck sounds so earnest, so eager, and Eddie doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t even know where to start. Buck clearly picks up on Eddie’s barely concealed panic and his expression instantly morphs into concern. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”
Eddie shakes his head, unsure of how to proceed. He instantly realizes how that could be confusing, and follows it up with, “No, I’m okay.” He’s still standing by the door, frozen to the spot, stunned he was able to produce words.
Buck furrows his brows, shaking his head in confusion. “Well—did you just not have a good time? I thought—I thought you liked her.”
“I do,” Eddie says hastily. “Well—I thought I did. Now I don’t know.” Buck nods in acknowledgement, still looking slightly confused. “It was just—weird. It didn’t feel right.”
“Maybe you’re just having an off night,” Buck offers, and Eddie nearly groans in frustration. “You can just try again some other time, you know, I think it could be good for you—”
“I don’t want to date Ana!” Eddie blurts out, cutting Buck off mid sentence. He resists the urge to bury his face in his hands.
Buck somehow looks even more confused. “Okay, well you don’t have to date Ana. I’m sure there are plenty of other girls out there.” He shoots him a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry about it, Eds.” Buck gets up from the couch, starting to head into the kitchen, probably to grab a beer, and Eddie doesn’t know what to do, all he knows is that he has to do something, now , before he loses his nerve.
“No, you don’t—you don’t understand,” he manages to get out, and Buck stops and turns back to look at him. “I don’t care about whatever other girls there are. I don’t care.”
“Eddie, what are you saying?” Buck asks him softly, his expression unreadable. Eddie takes a deep breath, steeling himself.
“I don’t care about those other girls. I don’t want to date any of them, and I don’t want to date Ana , because—” he cuts off, desperately searching for the right words to say. “The whole night I was sitting across the table from a beautiful woman who I liked and who liked me and I didn’t care . I didn’t care. All I could think about the whole night was coming back here, to Christopher, and...to you.” He hears Buck’s breath catch at his admission. He forces himself to look Buck in the eyes, those big, beautiful blue eyes that always show everything he’s feeling. And right now, they’re not showing disgust, or pity, or fear, or anything else Eddie was fearing he’d see when he looked into them.
Eddie takes a step towards Buck, not knowing exactly what he’s going to say next but just knowing he needs to be near him. Needs that closeness, something to anchor him when he feels like any second he might just drift away, lost forever.
“Eddie, please, just—” Buck’s voice is barely louder than a whisper. Eddie takes another step towards him, and there’s just inches between them now, so close that he could reach out and touch Buck’s face like he so desperately wants to. “Why don’t you want to date Ana? Tell me, please.” Buck’s voice breaks on the last word, and Eddie feels something deep in his heart crack open at the sound, and all of the feelings he’s been holding back for so long come rushing up at once, and in that instant he knows exactly how he feels, exactly what to say.
He takes another deep breath, knowing these next words will change them forever, for better or worse. “I don’t want to date Ana because she isn’t you ,” he whispers, afraid to speak louder and possibly shatter this moment. “She isn’t you, and you’re— god , you’re everything , Buck, and I can’t— ”
He’s cut off by Buck’s lips pressing against his, hard and passionate and perfect . His hands fly up to grab Buck’s face and pull him impossibly closer, pouring every ounce of desperation and love that he feels into the kiss.
He feels the final puzzle piece slide into place, and everything suddenly makes so much more sense, every lingering touch that sent shivers down his spine, every glance that was held for just a split second too long, every time he’d looked at Buck and felt like the room was spinning, every moment spent with Buck that felt more right than anything he’d ever experienced.
After several long, amazing seconds he reluctantly breaks away from Buck to catch his breath. The sight of Buck’s kiss swollen, slightly parted lips is almost distracting enough that he just dives right back in, but he forces himself to pull back a few inches, and is greeted with the sight of Buck’s gorgeous blue eyes gazing right back at him, glazed over with blown pupils, which is a very distracting sight that he does not need when his son is basically in the next room.
“In case it wasn’t clear,” Buck whispers into the space between them, “I really don’t want you to date Ana.”
Eddie can’t help but laugh, his heart the lightest it’s felt in years with how purely happy he is in this moment, and he leans forward to kiss Buck again, just a gentle press of the lips, soft and sweet and everything he never knew he needed.
“Also—” Buck cuts off, a blush spreading across his face, his gaze turning bashful. “I—I love you. Have for a while now. You don’t need to say it back, I just—”
“I love you too,” Eddie interrupts, not a hint of doubt in his mind about the words. He’s never meant anything more in his life. A soft smile spreads across Buck’s face, but Eddie can tell that he still doesn’t quite believe it. He feels another white hot rush of anger towards Buck’s parents and everything that they did to him that made him feel so undeserving of love, of affection and attention and happiness . “Hey,” he begins, keeping his voice as soft as he possibly can. He gently places a hand on Buck’s face, forcing Buck to look him in the eye. “I mean it. I love you. I’m not just saying that out of some sense of obligation or whatever else your brain is trying to tell you—I’m saying it because it’s true. I love you. I want to be with you, whatever that means, whether it means we’re boyfriends or—or partners, or fucking companions , or whatever the hell else you want to call it, I don’t care. I just want you. For as long as you’ll have me.”
A tear runs down Buck’s face, but he makes no move to wipe it away, his smile only growing wider. “How does forever sound to you?”
Eddie brushes the tear away with his thumb, overwhelmed by how much he loves this man, how incredibly kind and gentle and sweet and loving and selfless Buck is, and he makes a silent promise to himself to spend every day for the rest of his life making sure Buck knew all of those things, knew that he deserved to be happy, to be loved .
“Forever sounds perfect.”