Work Text:
I STILL REMEMBER, THIRD OF DECEMBER, ME IN YOUR SWEATER
YOU SAID IT LOOKED BETTER ON ME THAN IT DID YOU
ONLY IF YOU KNEW, HOW MUCH I LIKED YOU
Juza. Juza. Juza. That bastard’s name was ingrained in Banri’s skull like a permanent headache. It was painfully intoxicating, or maybe it was the second hand smoke from the burnt out cigarette in between them. Juza—incomparably excruciating and unfathomable, Banri could’ve fainted right then and there with how unreal this all felt. Hyodo Juza, who shared his lighter with him, lit up both their cigarettes with a single flame. Banri couldn’t breathe that well, but he managed, anyways.
Smoke breaks were just an excuse to get away from school. The type of education only legacy money could afford made every elite boy rotten at the core. Yet, society was brainwashed to put any academy student on a pedastel if they wore the uniform correctly and smiled handsomely. Banri and Juza were one of few who were apart of that classist divide, where they willingly paid for themselves to be surrounded by the country’s top 1%.
But, with every silver spoon boy that bore the autumn crest upon their blazer, was hell waiting to break loose. Private school boys were the devil in disguise, none were worthy of the achievements under their belt. Aki Academy especially was known in hushed whispers as the “cheater’s way” in the right inner circles. Cheating came in many forms—selling test answers in the black market, doing illegal favors for teachers to raise the grade, forging new scores without leaving any evidence.
With great power, came even greater ways to ensure that the rich stayed rich with success. Banri knew his way inside and out of Aki Academy’s corrupt history and was born of dirty money, Juza couldn’t stand everything Banri was.
Yet, here they both were. Wearing the same uniform, ruining their own livelihoods in private, both with the same end goal: to leave this town for good.
Juza wasn’t every other boy that came through the shiny gates of Aki. He was raised in a family that didn’t know the difference between love and hate, born from a bunch of no bodies that made no impact on the world whatsoever, and they’d rather immortalize hell for their son than give him heaven. So, in this dim street light, where Juza didn’t look like he belonged in his hand–me–down uniform with perfect ironing, Banri was incredibly overwhelmed for all the wrong reasons.
Banri inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to keep his hand from shaking. Damn it, what the hell was wrong with him? Why was he suddenly acting up all of a sudden? Banri tried to not notice the boy sitting besides him, his thigh pressing up against his like it was nothing.
Despite being an Aki boy, Juza was poor. Poor of everything—love, money, and purpose. But, he took care of every little thing he had in his meaningless life. Juza had Banri in this school, that much was true and everyone knew it. So, in the dead of night where nothing good came out of it, Juza took off his Aki Academy sweater and held it out to Banri without looking away from the horizon. What was there to look at? Pretentious, much?
“Take it. You need to make good choices for once.” Juza forced through his gritted teeth, his harsh tone muffled through the cigarette hanging at his chapped lips. Banri scoffed, about to argue back hypocritically until another gust of wind chilled every inch of his spine. Damn his stubborn pride… Banri took it slowly with a scowl that made him look like a regular teenage boy who didn’t give a shit, not some politician’s gifted, burnt out son with an image to uphold.
“I‘m just fucking fine, Hyodo.” Banri muttered, slipping on the sweater carefully. Banri knew if it ripped, he’d just cough up infinite money that never ran out to pay Juza back. But, the thing about poor people was all they had to protect was their pride—and, Juza had too much of it. Juza would never ever accept money from anyone, especially not a Settsu. Banri put it on and it smelt like Juza’s trailer park. No amount of washing and scrubbing could hide a Hyodo’s true roots.
“Sure.” Juza deadpanned because both of them knew better than the rest. Banri, who would never understand what it was like to work for anything in his life, felt the same as Juza, who did everything beyond his own power just to be at Aki. Bad decisions felt like relief from the show of pointless glitz and glamour, but it was rich coming from Banri. Rich, that’s all Juza wanted. Banri wished he was anything but that.
Private boys may be all diamond eyes and pearly white smiles, but they had problems, too. Banri turned his head towards Juza, who narrowed his prominent yellow eyes ever so slightly. Banri just blew a cloud of smoke in his face and laughed into the night when Juza hooked his arm around his shoulders.
“God, I hate you.” Banri breathed out, letting his head rest against Juza. With his eyes shut, he could remember how they had unfinished Latin homework in the back of their bags discarded on the floor. He didn’t think long before Juza responded, his voice low but certain.
“Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”
At least, it was Banri and Juza against the world.
BUT, I WATCH YOUR EYES AS THEY WALKS BY
WHAT A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES
BRIGHTER THAN THE BLUE SKY
THEY’VE GOT YOU MESMERIZED, AS I DIE
Until, you came along.
Banri kept Juza’s sweater, because it was cold and Juza had too much to do to notice. Juza’s schedule was overpacked to the brim with extra credit for his already top GPA and extracurriculars to make important connections. Hyodo’s work ethic was self–destructive, yet impressive, Banri would give him that. It was like if Juza stopped working for a second, everything he put his blood, sweat, and tears in would vanish. He already knew what it was like to have nothing—and, Juza would never go back.
On the other flip side of the coin, Banri did enough that his father wouldn’t question anything, but he knew he could be better. Valedictorian would sound nice on his resumé, but it’s not like he needed anything to get hired anywhere. All Banri had to do was flash his sparkling last name and he was in, that’s how privilege worked in his favor. Banri didn’t pay his own bills, worry about living expenses, or had to put himself out there. The upper class hunted for him, not the other way around him.
Juza worked for everything he had, and Banri was undeserving of it all. But, as Banri subconsciously played with the sleeves of Juza’s worn down sweater, he wanted to keep this. Maybe, Banri would sneak a brand new one into Juza’s locker, snip some threads off to make it look all aged and ancient.
As Banri leaned his head against the brick exterior of the century old school, he tapped his new oxfords against the marble floor impatiently. Where was that Hyodo anyways? They always met at the same time, and Juza wasn’t one known to be late. Swearing underneath his breath, Banri lifted his head off the wall and looked around, his hands tucked neatly in his pockets. Standing like a vision of the American dream, Banri surveyed his surroundings to see nothing but similarly–dressed students leaving school with no good intentions.
Where was his Juza—?
Then, Banri saw it. Besides Juza was… you. Banri knew exactly who you were even if he didn’t want to. You were hard to miss, that’s for sure. You were this year’s class president, elected under mysterious circumstances with your angelic face plastered around the academy. You had a long line of people falling at your every move, and it seemed like Juza was one of the unlucky victims.
You sweetly smiled, your teeth white and lips spread evenly. Your eyes crinkled just right to show off those practiced laugh lines, and Juza practically melted. Like some sticky ice cream cone left out in the sun, it was pathetic. Banri glared at you, furrowing his eyebrows handsomely as he observed your interaction with Juza. A gentle hand was placed upon his strong bicep, another neatly writing a note on a clean business card with a professional pen. Banri seethed, and he didn’t exactly know why.
It’s not Banri liked you, did he? He never even thought about your existence before now, so how come… oh.
When Juza looked up from the card, bidding adieu to the class president, he met Banri’s furious gaze and stared back as if challenging him. Banri usually never broke eye contact first, but at that time, he did. Banri could hear his heartbeat thud in his ears, and everything was too loud. Regardless, Banri sauntered towards him with a thin smirk as if nothing was wrong. But, everything was going to shit.
Damn it, Hyodo, Banri thought as his hands brushed Juza’s like always, am I not enough for you?
WHY WOULD YOU EVER KISS ME?
I’M NOT EVEN HALF AS PRETTY
YOU GAVE THEM YOUR SWEATER, IT’S JUST POLYESTER
BUT YOU LIKE THEM BETTER
WISH I WERE HEATHER
Somehow, someway, Banri & Juza, the ultimate team with big dreams and even bigger failures, became Banri, Juza, and you. It didn’t sound right at all, didn’t roll off the tongue as much as Juza pretended it did. Slowly but surely, you found your way into the group of misfits despite your clean record and perfect attendance. You, all gold star stickers and teacher’s pet reputation, thought it was so necessary that you tagged along to each outing. At first, it was just Banri and Juza smoking at the back alleyway of the school. Now, it was Banri, Juza, and you escaping the pressures of Aki Academy.
Banri truly didn’t recognize how profound your role model student influence affected Juza until it was smoke break time. You couldn’t come because you were a professor’s assistant that needed to catch up on grading. Sure, bullshit. Everyone had papers they had to, but you always did yours during class without drawing any attention. Perks of being respected out of admiration, not fear, Banri guessed.
“I don’t smoke anymore.” Juza said as if it was a matter of fact, and Banri’s nearly dropped his cigarette from shock. “What the fuck does that mean?” Banri cursed loudly, forgetting both of them were pressed next to each other in a small bathroom stall. Any time Banri needed a quick little release, all he needed to do was gesture towards the door and they’d both find themselves in the same pristine stall as always. Except, this time, Juza didn’t even wanna smoke. What was the point, then?
“Means the nicotine’s gonna kill off all your braincells.” Juza let a sliver of his country accent through, his vowels longer and end of his words clipped. Banri scoffed, standing up straight to be the same height as a slouched over Juza. Juza’s hands were in his blazer pockets and his dress shirt was spotless. The purity made Banri want to burn it with the butt of his cigarette but he ignored that impulse. Juza would’ve killed him, it would’ve hurt his pride.
“Since when did you care about that? Huh?” Banri took Juza’s wrist, pulling along his hand that was fiddling with the lighter. Not so much turning it on, but just close enough he could hear the hiss. Banri balanced his cigarette above the opening, waiting for the flame as he sent a pointed look towards the only man who would witness him like this. He’d never say it out loud, but Juza was the only person Banri would ever let light his cigarette.
Sighing, Juza knew Banri wouldn’t give up and they still had to get back to class. Juza lit up Banri’s cigarette without any other choice, feeling Banri’s fingers clasped around his wrist like a handcuff. Banri leaned back onto the wall and exhaled, taking the cigarette by his pointer and middle finger with a casual smirk. It was almost infuriating how nonchalant Banri was being over killing himself slowly. At least it wasn’t alcohol—
Juza leaned over to poke his pointer finger harshly into Banri’s temple, ignoring his sudden scowl. “You’re going to die—”
“We’re all going to fucking die! What’s gotten into you?!” Banri swore abruptly, his demeanor unlike his expensive uniform and flawless appearance. He had the looks of a Settsu, and the anger problems of one, too.
“Class pres said—” Juza started and Banri felt like his lungs were out of air. Was it the awful smoking habit or was it just hearing Juza use such a fond tone when it came to you? Impossible. That type of voice was only reserved for him, no one else. Why did Juza say your name like that? It made Banri want to crush his cigarette beneath his leather shoes and stain this good–for–nothing school.
“Why does it matter what they think?” Banri forced out, trying to pretend like this new development didn’t affect him. Banri tensed when he felt Juza’s rough fingers ghost over the surface of his waist, climbing beneath his untucked sweater as if to bring him back to reality. When Banri didn’t say anything, Juza snaked his arm around Banri’s waist, pulling him closer until Banri’s head was upon Juza’s shoulder. Like always. Like it was supposed to be.
“Don’t tell me you’re jealous, ‘Ri.” Juza murmured, playing with the belt loops stitched onto Banri’s waistband. Banri laughed, but it was humorless and he could still taste the sickening envy upon his sharp tongue. Oh, to be Juza’s favorite, to be his fucking lap dog for life. Anyone who saw them would’ve thought Banri was the one with control, the one tugging on the leash. But, how could he when any type of contact made him breathless?
“Never. You’ll always come runnin’ back to me.” Banri bit back, but Juza just shot him a look. Both of them knew it was the other way around, but it was left unsaid. Letting out a “mhm”, Juza ran his hand over Banri’s skin one last time before pulling back, moving to collect his bag and return to class. The cigarette long forgotten and wasted, Banri threw it away in a spot no one would question and followed suit. They both moved to wash their hands and made sure no smell lingered, even if no one knew any better.
“Behave, okay?” Juza spoke over the sound of running water. Juza gripped the strap of his bag obediently, as if he hadn’t just snuck out to help his friend forget the world for a while. Banri looked at Juza’s reflection in the mirror, rolling his eyes before letting out a mocking “woof”, mimicking some dog. Juza just hit his arm and left, and Banri knew he was waiting outside the bathroom door so they’d go back together.
Banri gave himself an once–over, fixed Juza’s sweater that he still kept whilst ignoring how his skin burned from Juza’s touch, and left the bathroom.
WATCH AS THEY STAND WITH THEM, HOLDING YOUR HAND
PUT YOUR ARM AROUND THEIR SHOULDER, NOW I’M GETTING COLDER
BUT, HOW COULD I HATE THEM? THEY’RE SUCH AN ANGEL
BUT, THEN AGAIN, KINDA WISH THEY WERE DEAD
Dating people like you meant getting ahead in the future, that much was clear. How could Banri hate you and Juza’s new relationship? He saw it coming from a mile away, didn’t mean it hurt any less. You were the perfect class president who tutored students after school and was the right hand of each teacher. You had the wits of a well–raised, rich heir to lands and money beyond any commoner’s imagination. Juza was the top student of the year, studied his ass off for the #1 ranking and worked for everything he had. He was equally, if not, more intelligent in terms of academics to street smarts. You two were a power couple. You two would go far in the world—without Banri.
As expected, Juza stopped coming for smoke breaks. That little nasty habit got killed for good, and now Juza would rather suck on a sweet lollipop than ruin his lungs. Good for fucking him. Banri didn’t stop, it just got worse. He had to learn to light his own cigarette, even if it didn’t have the same satisfaction. Smoke breaks alone in bathrooms and back alleyways weren’t the same. At least, he still had Juza’s sweater.
It was creepy, Banri knew that. To be so attached to a sweater that was supposed to belong to you, Juza’s actual partner. But, he couldn’t help it. The only way you’d get Juza’s sweater back was over his dead body, that much was a fact. Though, that time might come soon if Banri kept this wreckless and impulsive behavior up.
Banri barely paid attention in Latin, his shined leather shoes catching the warm afternoon sunlight streaming through the windows. His blazer was hung over the back of his chair, his dress shirt sleeves were rolled up to his elbows, and his top buttons were popped open. Banri rested his cheek against his palm, using his other hand to fidget with the lighter in his pant pocket. Perhaps, he’d go now. It was earlier than usual, but he was never a fan of schedule to begin with. It was always Juza who needed a time and place—fuck. Not again.
At the thought of him, Banri averted his eyes from the chalkboard to across the classroom. Of course, you had to be in this block as well. You just had to take everything from him, huh? Juza switched his usual seat next to him to your side. There he was, sitting so close to you. You two really did look like the perfect couple ever. Disgusting, Banri wanted to throw up as an uneasy feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.
Banri shook his head, trying to focus on the lesson for once as he tightened his hold on his pencil, resuming his rushed notes to the lecture. Yet, how could he? Out of the corner of his eye, Banri noticed Juza stretch and place his arm around your shoulder. It seemed so familiar, an action that used to belong to him, that Banri almost didn’t realize the tip of his pencil snapped under the pressure.
Banri didn’t tear his eyes away until Juza’s hand trailed down to yours, taking it with ease like it was second nature. Banri left the room without asking for a pass and didn’t come back to class.
WISH I WERE HEATHER
Banri didn’t drink alcohol because he knew Juza hated it. Smoking didn’t cross the line, but drinking did. So, Banri never bothered with it. Until now. He had been sober ever since he knew Juza, ever since they both met at that after party for some school event and Juza caught him drunk off his ass. Banri didn’t drink since then, but here he was, behind the back end where he always was with a bottle.
There was something about knowing that he could’ve gotten caught any time, have his hands up in the air with his face on every newspaper. Headlines would describe it as the fall of the Settsu legacy, his father would publicly disown him for good. Imagine that. Ha! it made Banri dizzy with adrenaline. At the sound of rushed footsteps, Banri waited for his arrest. Except it wasn’t the police that found him, it was the one and only, Hyodo Juza.
“Shit, shit, shit. What the hell, Banri?” Banri picked up on Juza’s frantic tone, the way his breathing was uneven, and for once, felt somewhat guilty. Juza was probably used to handling people who relied on this depressant. Like his deadbeat of a father. For a second, Banri was ashamed he resembled Juza’s terrible, abusive father, until his vision became blurry and everything was numb. It had been so long since he felt this way, it was euphoric.
“You haven’t drank in forever, what happened?” Juza crouched down to check Banri’s hands carefully, making sure there were no injuries from the glass dropping in surprise. “Why—Fuck, why didn’t you talk to me? Goddamn it! I texted you, you didn’t respond. Why? Why?!” Juza patted Banri’s pockets, trying to find his phone but to no avail. Banri closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall for old time’s sake.
At the lack of response, Juza let out a frustrated swear as he punched the wall besides Banri’s head, the impact making them both physically aware of how late it was. Some small part of Banri was satisfied, that Juza left you, perfect little you, to go find him. But, Banri knew he’d never be you—he’d never be Juza’s.
“You’ll be the death of me, ‘Ri.” Juza mumbled, hooking his arm around Banri’s shoulder just like before. Standing up, Juza forced Banri to stumble back onto his feet as they both left the alley, the rain beginning to set in. As Banri felt Juza’s hand grip his arm and the thunder sounded in the distance, Banri didn’t know if he was crying or if the rain was pouring. It was both, believe it or not.
“You’re… You’re the death of me, Ju…” Banri slurred, his breath strong and eyes barely focused. Before any rational thought could make him rethink his decision, the alcoholic truth serum worked its way into his veins and Banri couldn’t stop himself. It was a school night, where the rain was heavy and the world seemed to be against him. Banri was drunk after so many months of being sober and Juza was watching his best friend slip away from his fingers.
Banri stood in the middle of the street, swaying and stabilized himself by finding Juza. Juza, who didn’t know what to do anymore.
“I love you.”
It was so raw, so brutally honest, that Banri felt winded from being so emotionally vulnerable for once in his goddamn life. For once, Juza looked scared. As if he had never known, how could he have not? Regardless, Juza reached out and wiped the tears from Banri’s face with his thumbs, trying his best not to shake.
“Don’t say shit you don’t mean.”
When Banri gripped Juza’s jaw and pulled him in, he tasted like those damn lollipops you bought him. Not like the toxic cigarettes Banri gave him. It made the kiss feel like nothing, because Juza pushed him away at the end.
Juza wouldn’t have rejected you. Banri wished he was you. (At least, he still had Juza’s sweater).