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Basil always hated winter. It was always a more difficult season, what with having to bring all his plants in so that they wouldn't get frost damage. It meant going from a lonely off-campus apartment to a quiet and desolate house that didn't feel like a home. It meant facing people who he knew all too well, all too closely.
Sometimes, he considered not going back. At the very least, in the city, he could distract himself from his thoughts by pacing the city streets, continuing an endless march around a Möbius strip of concrete malls and dead-end streets until the sky turned dark; by then, he'd be worn out enough that he could fall into a deep sleep as soon as his back hit his bed. But he knew that he had his plants to take care of back home. He didn't feel comfortable leaving Polly in charge of the place all year round; he didn't want Polly to overwork herself or feel as if she were trapped there. Besides, he knew he couldn't spend an eternity avoiding anything that was awaiting him back in Faraway. Amid the flux of his life ever since that one fateful night, Faraway remained as a fixed point in time and space: something that, for better or for worse, would be in his life forever. Even if he tried to avoid it, he knew they would come looking for him to draw him back.
The group. He knew that they were his childhood friends; friends that stuck with him through thick and thin, through even the most harrowing of events and revelations. He could always count on them to be caring and open to him, even if the rest of the world wasn't.
But there was always a distance between them after that summer. Sunny had moved and been busy with continuing his life once again from four years ago. Hero went back to college. Even at school, Kel and Aubrey already had their own cliques; that's not to say that they didn't try to spend time with each other, but the time spent was barely what one would call quality time. The conversations they had, the things they did: Basil couldn't help but feel it was some attempt to chase a fleeting memory, like trying to puppeteer a shared feeling back into life. The spirit that once surrounded them came back different; the air always felt constricted, stagnant, a pale imitation of what it should have been.
At the end of that year, Basil tried to confess his love to Sunny. It was something he had prepared for, hoping for the best while preparing for the worst. Despite his preparation, a part of him still felt the weight of the rejection. The words themselves were kind, considerate, and well-meaning, but the significance of them had chained a heavy load onto Basil. Sunny just doesn't feel for me the same way I do for him, he thought to himself. They both tried to handle the situation with grace.
The days and the hangouts after that were normal, or at least, a feigned impression of what "normal" was. Basil wanted to put the events of the day before behind him, and so did Sunny, it seemed. He tried to bury his feelings for him, subsuming himself in the rapidly approaching end of his high school life, and planning for whatever college would throw at him. No matter how hard he tried, some semblance of those emotions always returned, like an malignant growth within his body. He bided his time, leaving it to deal with itself in a corner of his mind.
Once the school year ended, everyone left Faraway. Aubrey and Kel both received sports scholarships while Basil managed to get an offer to go study botany across the state. The five of them celebrated their successes at Gino's. Seeing Sunny once again brought his feelings to the forefront back. He spent the dinner idling his way through the conversations. It wasn't that he didn't care about what his friends had to say; he chimed in whenever it was important or a good idea to do so. His emotions just evaded his mind for the rest of that dinner, gazing at Sunny's gestures and movements, watching his lips move instead of truly listening to what he had to say. When they bid each other farewell that night, he walked home, the pit in his stomach feeling heavier than it ever had been. The buried seeds of affection had started to bloom, crawling over the walls of his subconscious, intertwining with the structures of his thoughts like a vine of ivy stretching up against a trellis.
He felt glad to be able to throw himself into his studies, far away from home. It gave him some solace, being away from any of the group or any stray reminders of the past. The weekly calls from the other four were always kept short; not necessarily interrupted, but he made it a point not to spend more time than he felt he needed to. The check-ins were a welcome part of the day, if only because it grounded him somewhat within the fast-moving schedule of the world around him. He checked in with Polly as well to make sure his plants at home were in safe hands.
The rest of the year flew by regularly enough — he passed his classes with okay grades and made a few acquaintances along the way. The end of the year loomed closer and with it, the prospect of returning home to Faraway came as well. Hero and Kel had each called him about it; they wanted to hold a Christmas get-together with the five of them. "It'll be like old times," they said. The entire time, as Basil agreed along with whatever they said, that corner of his mind cast a light upon itself in sudden detail. His feelings had never truly settled; they had only lain in wait in his mind. Packing up to return home, he told himself that he would keep those feelings under wraps; he would try to keep those emotions as buried in the soil as he could.
The train ride to Faraway gave him three more hours to ponder his circumstances. He spent the time gazing out the window. The forests of cedar and maple always rendered unto him a certain serenity and peace of mind. He figured that things wouldn't be so bad. It had been a long while since the five of them had gotten together in person. Basil figured that, hey, it's probably good that we're coming together once more. It'll help me bring things back to normal again.
Those words drove a jolt across Basil's heart once he stopped to recognise them. How many times had he told himself that over the years, knowing that each time, it was proven to be untrue? How many times had he hoisted his hopes up high, only for them to plunge to the depths once again? He could feel that wretched vine in his head once again, twisting against its supports.
He tried to calm his nerves and reassure himself. This year, things will be better. He repeated those words in his head, like a mantra, until he fell asleep.
The first order of business when he got back to Faraway was to move his plants inside. The first winds of winter had started blowing a few days ago, but he figured that he had enough time to wait until he came back to Faraway before moving them in. He didn't want to bother Polly with such a strenuous task, especially before the holidays. He managed to move all his plants in by noon. After that, he inspected the plants for any damage or mildew. Some of them had drier roots and stems from the arid, cold air. Basil turned to the cabinet to look for some mulch.
He pulled out the only bag of it he had left. Opening the bag, the smell immediately overpowered him. The mulch was clearly expired. Its contents had rotted away slowly, leaving behind a rancid stench and an amorphous solid of decaying wood shavings and leaves.
Darn it!
He carried the mulch quickly out the door, heaving it into the trash can out front. He'd have to drop by Fix-It to grab a fresh bag soon. Returning inside, he looked at the clock.
1:15. They should be open about now.
Carrying the bag of mulch in his arms, he thanked the Fix-It guy and made his way out. Basil opened the door with his back, exiting to Faraway Plaza . He was about to make his way home when he saw two people leave Gino's.
It was Aubrey and Sunny. They were holding hands, smiling at each other as they made conversation. They were close to each other, Sunny's cheeks turning red from the cold air and perhaps something else. His smile was so wide, the crow's feet showing clearly in his eyes.
At once, the overgrown feelings in his heart were revived and set ablaze.
Basil could feel his heart beating faster, the veins in his fingers feeling as though they would burst at any moment. His legs felt restless, itching to move on. He tried to keep it together in front of them.
Aubrey spotted Basil first. Her turquoise eyes looked upon him kindly. There was no malice or foul intent in her eyes; only what appeared to be residual happiness and chemistry from what she and Sunny had just discussed.
"Hi Basil! Didn't know you'd be back in town so soon." She waved at him as he walked closer to them.
Basil could only muster an innocuous response. "Yeah, haha. What are you guys up to?"
"Oh, we just had lunch. Sunny's finally letting me pay for our dates for once." She playfully jabbed Sunny.
Date. The thought of it had crossed Basil's mind since he saw the both of them leaving together, but now he heard it straight from one of them.
Basil's legs seemed to compel, seemed to be yelling at him to leave the scene as fast as possible. His heartbeat sped up. His hands felt numb; he wasn't sure if it was adrenaline or wind chill.
The emotions, once laying dormant within him, threatened to raze and set fire to his mind as he stood there.
Basil could tell that it had started showing on his face. Sunny's expression had changed from one of joy to one of concern. He could ascertain all too well what Basil had been thinking at that very moment, yet he did nothing to alleviate it. Sunny's lip quivered, as if he had thought of saying something and decided against it at the last minute.
Basil's mind raced to find some sort of saving grace or way to recover the situation, but alas, the pounding rhythm of his arteries in his ears drowned out his thoughts. Before he knew it, his legs were moving.
"W-well... I'm happy to hear that. See you guys at Christmas." As he left, he could hear Sunny call out to him, but he didn't want to turn around; his body wouldn't let him. His legs picked up the pace. He could feel his chest tighten up, a pain making itself apparent in the centre of his chest. A frigid gale struck his face as he ran. His eyes started to water, the cold air amplifying the discomfort he felt.
He dropped the bag of mulch on the floor as soon as he made it through the door, his fingers no longer able to tolerate its strain. The seal at the top broke, sending some of it spilling out onto the tiled floor. The odour of grass, wood chips and organic detritus rose in the air once again. Basil only chuckled lightly at the mess before him. What a way to cap off the day, huh?
He ran towards the sofa and slumped onto it. He couldn't take it anymore; he couldn't hold it in any longer. Basil felt the remnants of the feelings in his heart pour themselves out. He curled up against the back of the sofa and let the tears run. He didn't worry about anyone hearing it and coming in, if anyone would even do so. He was inside a house with no one else but plants surrounding him. He doubted anyone would even bother to stop by.
The logical part of Basil was happy for Sunny and Aubrey — the both of them had moved on and he knew that they were good for each other: Sunny needed someone who could care for him and help him in the way that he couldn't. They had always been on good terms with each other and he knew that Sunny had feelings for Aubrey in the past. He understood that Sunny wasn't interested in him; he even let him down as nicely as he could.
But why did this still hurt so much?
He thought back to the memories all of them had spent together. All those summers and winters spent in joy, not knowing how quickly things would change or how fast the rug would get pulled out from under them. Even the last summer they were all together, when the gang all took care of him and Sunny in the hospital. Now, even that summer felt distant to Basil. He thought back to the photo album he used to have; how all the photos held memories. Those memories always felt bittersweet after the truth came out, but now, the thought of them filled him with a deeper melancholy. The photographs felt less like memories and more like ghosts: shadowy, scratched-out reminders of the way things once used to be.
Basil laid there on his sofa, crying his heart out. He knew that Aubrey and Sunny might end up checking in on him after his outburst at the plaza. He didn't care. He didn't feel like caring. He laid there, contemplating his feelings, his past and present, his predicament.
Basil always hated winter. It reminded him of the cold he felt on the inside. It reminded him that Faraway would forever be but an empty, lifeless house to him, never to turn into a home. It reminded him that all good things must come to an end.
It reminded him that flowers too, have to return to the earth one day, burnt out and decaying away.