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Everything needed to be clear to Matilda for as long as she could remember.
Her dad told her multiple stories about her 'mile a minute' questions when she was little, asking about anything and everything. Usually, these questions were about what something meant: "Why are dogs named dogs?" "What does autism mean?" "What does it mean when someone died?". Even now, she still sought definitions of words and phrases that made sense to her.
It was probably just a comfort thing for her. So long as she understood what exactly this thing was, it made it easier to comprehend why this existed.
Now if you took this into the context of sexuality...
The seventeen year old wasn't ignorant. She knew what LGBTQ was at a young age (it wasn't surprising considering how proud and flamboyant her half-brother was), although the people she asked about had trouble giving her a straight answer. Nicholas was in Australia for most of her life, so he was really the only other person in her life who knew what she was asking.
It was a good thing the internet was at her reach at that age, so when she was around eleven, she got all her answers there; she knew what being gay, lesbian, bi and pan was, a little bit of queer history, the aspec spectrum, all sorts of labels used in the trans community, and much more. Matilda supposed this was a sign she wasn't as straight as she was, when her special interest then was being knee-deep in queer culture.
She called herself an ally, but it was when she hit puberty that she realized herself. Only she didn't call herself queer then - she didn't call herself anything. She just knew she liked people, and it didn't matter to her about gender very much (she also thought this was an autistic thing - how do neurotypicals easily define themselves as attracted to a specific type of person without experience?).
There have been plenty of moments throughout her life - especially after she got together with Drea - where she had these reoccurring thoughts about her identity, but it went away as quickly as it came. It was like trying to write an essay on a piece of paper, throwing the paper away when it got too stressful to handle. It felt like a deadline where she kept pushing the date farther and farther back, so you kept getting reminders of what's due.
The ridiculous part was she knew there was no rush. She knew no one needed to find a label for themselves, that it was okay to always be questioning or constantly changing. When Nicholas came to take care of her and Genevieve after Dad died, he talked casually about being gay and identities like he was talking about his favorite restaurant, saying once during dinner with them "You don't need to sign a document saying 'little gay boy' to prove yourself - though I wouldn't mind being able to whip out my license at a Karen."
She was aware she was thinking about this too much, it wasn't important... but of course, her autistic brain said otherwise.
It's a reassurance, an integral part of her, just as natural it was for her to say she was autistic. So to be constantly having to take a couple seconds to think before answering someone's question about her identity gave her a weird sense of Imposter Syndrome: was she lying to others? Was she claiming something that wasn't her own?
She was grateful that the word 'queer' existed, but everytime she said she was queer, it just didn't feel... right. It wasn't her. And this bugged her to no fucking end.
But hey, just push the essay back.
This silent back and forth in her mind didn't show up for a long time, even after her and Drea have been dating for a while. It was when she got back from their library date, Drea and her dog Duke in tow, that Nicholas' boyfriend Alex suddenly sprang up from the kitchen doorway.
"DoyoutwowannagotopridethisSaturday?"
He said in a single breath, both teens still processing what he asked when they heard Nicholas in the kitchen yell, "I said to wait!"
"Your waiting means never!" Alex called back.
Nicholas finally left the kitchen to be next to his boyfriend, "It's not never! I just prefer to think about what to say before declaring it to the whole house."
The other man ignored him and turned back to Matilda and Drea, "I'm declaring/asking if you two wanna come with us to Pride."
"Genevieve and her friends said yes so they can get food from the food trucks," Nicholas rolled his eyes at Alex while finally speaking to the girls, "but you guys can come along as a little gay celebration, first parade as a couple and all."
It was true; if they went, it would be their first together. The seventeen year old feverishly worked over what they were asking, because if she was being honest, the idea of going was already on her mind, with all the performative rainbow flags hanging around town as a reminder. She knew there wouldn't be any issue about whether she could go or not; it was just about whether she wanted to.
Before she could reply or ask for clarification, Drea spoke up next to her with clear excitement, "Okay!"
Matilda tried to hide the surprise on her face. Out of the two of them, Drea was the more hesitant one, wanting to think over a situation and try to make sure it's something she wanted or was able to do. They hadn't had the chance to talk about the parade, so maybe Drea already had the idea in mind to go and didn't tell her about it yet.
But hey, all they needed were sunglasses, headphones and water bottles, so if her girlfriend was raring to go, then she might as well come with her.
"Sounds fine." Matilda smiled back at the men as the two girls headed up to her room.
Once they made it up, they dumped all their newly-rented books on her bed, organizing them from smallest to largest size (it peeved them both to no end seeing books in all different sizes next to each other on shelves). The teen would say their library date was a success: since both of them were at least a little bit ahead in their schoolwork, Matilda suggested to her girlfriend to stay at the public library for a couple hours after school, where the two of them can have fun finding books for themselves and each other. It was an uneventful time, but was exactly what they needed. Now, they both had a ton of books where they already read some parts, but can read them to each other if they wanted to whenever they had the time.
Some would say this was a pointless endeavor, but Matilda could argue how since both of them were autistic, they had no problem redoing something they enjoyed.
Speaking of being autistic...
"I don't want to wear makeup for it." Drea said suddenly after they finished moving the books around.
"What?" The other girl asked.
"For the parade," her girlfriend replied simply, stepping over closer to her, "but I want to still wear the clothes. Do you have anything rainbow?"
"I don't think so," Matilda answered slower than she would like, "but I think there's a shop selling pride stuff right now."
"Awesome!" Drea's face lit up, and the seventeen year old felt a strange sense of guilt.
There were various moments like these - even when she was so close to her girlfriend, Matilda didn't know how to word what she wanted to say. Well, she knew exactly what she wanted to ask; "Why are you so interested in going to the parade, also what do you say is your sexuality?" But years of communicating with neurotypicals taught her otherwise to ask something so abrupt and accusing. Plus, Drea would then get curious about why she was asking, and Matilda had no idea how she would explain her inner turmoil about her own sexuality without digging up memories of her spiraling, trying to figure out an answer to an equation she thought was impossible.
Fortunately, Drea didn't seem to notice her girlfriend's quietness and just asked after a beat, "Should we ask Nicholas if we can go now?"
"You, want to go over now?" Matilda tried and struggled to sound nonchalant.
Drea didn't respond immediately, seeming to now notice the other being stand-off, "Oh, we don't have to go now if you want to."
"No no, we can go." Matilda was quick to reassure, "Just, can I tell you about my books and we put them away first?"
"Yeah, sure." Drea smiled sweetly. The other girl smiled back as they reorganized her room, both of them casually infodumping about the stories they rented. Matilda found this to be a lovely distraction, some sense of stability and routine that got her to be invested in something other than her own thoughts.
Despite this, it ended much quicker than she wanted, so all books were in their backpacks and they were out the door after telling Nicholas and Alex what they were doing in ten minutes.
Matilda chatted with Drea as much as possible while they headed downtown, didn't matter about what, just nothing related to Pride. Fortunately, Drea never talked about it during their walk and talk, but Matilda still felt terrible about stifling her girlfriend's excitement - she should be able to be just fine listening to Drea! But nope, because those same conflicting emotions just come back no matter how hard the seventeen year old tried to bury them.
While chatting about some story Drea got from the library, the other girl interrupted the conversation by exclaiming, "Is this the place?"
Sure enough, Matilda looked forward and her eyes fell upon a craft store, all sorts of pride flags hanging from the front. She kept her calm facade on as they walk into the small but quaint place, walls filled to the brim with homemade clothing and jewelry. The teen could easily recognize the color schemes each item represented, from gay and lesbian to bisexual and pansexual, even seeing some related to aspec and polyamory.
"The colors are bright, but not distracting," Drea makes an offhanded comment next to her, "I like that."
Matilda makes a reaffirmation noise in the back of her throat, distracted by a certain section in the shop.
She could see shirts and hats in varying levels of pink, buttons and print saying things like "One Badass Dyke" and "Girls Loving Girls". They were all so sapphic, and Matilda's heart had a strange ache in her chest - it was calling out to her somewhat, but at the same time left a sour taste on her tongue. Like sure, she's technically WLW, but why can't she just say it?
"Are you okay?" Matilda heard the concern in that voice behind her, yet couldn't respond. The unease inside her was building and building, that same anxiety she felt when she was taking a test at school was here tenfold.
She could register her hands vibrating next to her side, until a strong grip lightly grabbed her left arm. She finally snapped her out of her stupor, turning to see Drea staring at her, confused yet troubled.
Shit.
Drea pointed away from her, Matilda turning to see she's pointing at the front door. Instead of answering her back, the seventeen year old started walking with purpose, the other girl clumsily being dragged behind her.
Once she were a good distance from the store, Matilda took a moment to flap her hands to help her get her brain back in order. The anxiety was still there, but at least it eased enough so she could articulate herself again.
It was probably a couple minutes before the teen told her girlfriend, "Thank you."
"Okay," confusion was still evident on the other's face, "but what happened."
Matilda stared for a moment, still fearful, but sighed in defeat. She supposed she couldn't avoid it now.
"I..." she paused again - how does she word this? "I don't know what I am. And I don't like it."
Drea didn't respond back, so Matilda continued, "I was being logical when I was with Zayn, and I was being logical when I became your girlfriend: I knew I wanted to explore my sexuality, so losing my virginity then trying to host a threesome seemed right to me. But I don't know why, it might just be me being autistic, but now all I can think about is what to call myself."
Drea still didn't respond immediately. Her expression stayed blank, and was still blank as she asked, "What do you refer to yourself now?"
"Queer, but it's not me, in a way." Matilda sighed again, frustration laced in her voice.
Both girls were silent for multiple beats. Matilda could metaphorically see the cogs turning in Drea's head, until the other asked, "Did I ever tell you what I call myself?"
"...no." The teen was hesitant in answering.
"Well, you remember the night we were in your bed, and I said I didn't know if I only liked boys if I never even kissed a girl?" Of course Matilda couldn't forget: it was their first kiss, and it was also her first kiss with a girl. During that time, she didn't even bother to ask herself what her label was, only figuring out her and Drea's newfound relationship.
"Well," she got out of her thoughts to hear Drea, "because of that, I knew I liked both. And also, I figured out it wasn't the fact I kissed a girl for the first time made me realize my sexuality, it was kissing someone I liked that made me realize I think of myself as pan."
Drea said her sexuality with so much pride and sureness, Matilda wished she could do the same.
"You are attracted to someone regardless of gender." The seventeen year old stated matter-of-factly.
"Yes." Drea replied, "It was because I became your girlfriend."
"So?"
"So you love me?"
"Yes."
"So you are Drea-sexual."
A laugh burst out from her, and her trying to keep it in made her chest burn. Matilda couldn't help it though; both girls giggling madly. It was just such an unexpected answer, the girl needed a moment before fully processing what it meant.
"Drea-sexual?" She said each syllable slowly, getting a feel for this foreign word.
"I call myself pan because I'm in a relationship with you," Drea went off like she didn't say what she did, "and my label might change if I'm in a new relationship. So for now, my sexuality revolves around us and not anything else."
While Matilda was still stuck on Drea-sexual, she could still hear what Drea was saying and... she had a good idea.
All she knows is that she loves Drea. So by technicality, she's Drea-sexual. It's still such a silly word, but it kinda works, in a way.
"Okay." Is all Matilda responded with.
Drea smiled, "Do you wanna go back to the shop to find stuff?"
"Well, I dunno," Drea tilted her head, awaiting the question, "what's your flag?"
She hummed to herself before answering, "Well, I like the color green, and I like the sapphic flag. I also like the phrase WLW, so that can be apart of Drea-sexuality.
Matilda felt another chuckle in her throat, but tried to hide it and failed. Either way, they went back to the shop, not holding hands but side by side.
Matilda strolled through the place with more ease. She still stuttered in some areas, like looking at the lesbian art, but she kept seeing it through a lenses of 'I love my girlfriend', so she could find things that made her think of Drea, like a frog pin holding a pan flag. She would glance over at Drea to find her staring intensely at the rainbow attire, feeling the fabric to make sure it was to her liking. But like what the teen suspected, her girlfriend instantly loved the frog pin, so now both had one.
Her pride outfit was a lot more minimal than Drea's, but Matilda didn't mind - in fact, she kept looking at her recently bought "Love is Beautiful" shirt with pride.