Chapter Text
“Oi, Kaneki! Hurry up with those dishes so I can go home!”
“Sorry, Touka! I’m almost done!” Kaneki called to his coworker from the kitchen. It was his first time working the closing shift at the Anteiku cafe, and he had to admit he preferred it to the busy afternoons he was used to. The quiet left him a lot more time to get lost in his own thoughts, which he found himself doing increasingly often ever since his fateful transformation into a ghoul.
Of course, with that transformation came a significant helping of fresh trauma, so Kaneki tried to block it out as best he could with more comforting thoughts. Usually, he’d try to predict what would happen in the next chapter of that new novel, or randomly remember some amusing piece of idle conversation he had with Hide between classes the other day. Actually, he was thinking a lot about Hide lately, more than he’d care to admit. Such thoughts reminded him that there was still a piece of his pre-ghoul self within him. Unfortunately, despite there being less customers after the sun went down, Touka’s constant chiding still kept him from distracting himself. He knew that she was being trained to become an assistant manager in case something happened to the owner, Yoshimura, and she was obviously the best fit for the job despite being his youngest employee, but her aggressive management style didn’t exactly suit him. Still, he enjoyed working with her, and there was a certain camaraderie forming between them as a result of the battles they fought together recently, even if he’d rather not remember them.
Letting out a labored sigh, Kaneki put the last of the coffee cups on the drying rack and walked out of the kitchen and into the empty dining area, where Touka was waiting for him, arms crossed and a glare peeking out from behind her bangs.
“About time,” she said impatiently. “It’s getting more dangerous around here at night, you know. I’m not always gonna be there to cover your ass like last time.”
“Yeah, I know,” said Kaneki, stepping outside into the chilly December night and waiting as Touka locked the door behind them. As they walked beside each other, Kaneki thought back to what Touka meant by “last time”. A ghoul from his university, Tsukiyama, had recently grown quite obsessed with him (for lack of a better term). He had kidnapped his coworker Nishio’s human girlfriend, Kimi, in an attempt to fulfill a twisted fantasy of his, and as Touka was about to kill Kimi for knowing too much, she had a change of heart and refused.
“Touka? What made you change your mind that day? About Kimi?” There was no better time to sate his curiosity than now.
“Hmph, why do you wanna know? As if it’s any of your business,” she snorted.
“I’ve just been thinking,” he replied. “Were you just that confident that she wouldn’t have ratted us out to the CCG?”
“Well, she clearly already knew about shitty Nishiki, so yeah,” she said. “Does that answer your question?”
“Not exactly, no,” Kaneki admitted sheepishly, making her click her tongue in annoyance. “You were just so set on killing her just a few moments before. What if it was your friend, Yoriko, lying up on that altar being tortured by Tsukiyama?”
“Yoriko’s different!” She snapped, making Kaneki raise his hands in front of him defensively. “She...she’d never betray me.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Just shut the fuck up! Did you just decide to walk home with me so you could psychoanalyze me?!” Her voice had risen to a yell now, which drew glances from passersby. “I love her. And someday, I hope I can be with her like Nishiki is with Kimi. There’s your answer. Happy now?” Kaneki couldn’t help but feel a weight lift off his shoulders. Now he knew he had someone he could open up to about that.
“So...d-do you think that...there’s a chance that humans and ghouls could...fall in love?”
“I already told you my answer. What’s this really about, Kaneki?” He gulped, his heart threatening to pound out of his chest with what he was about to confess.
“W-well...I-I--”
“This is about Hide, isn’t it?” Kaneki was both shocked and relieved that she already knew, and thankfully, the blood rising to his cheeks could pass as a bodily reaction to the frigid winter wind. “Why are you surprised? It’s painfully obvious you’re pining for him. I see how you stare at him whenever he comes by during your shift. Most ghouls only pay that much attention to humans when they're sizing them up for a meal, but the way you look at him is much different. It makes me wanna puke.”
“Y-you saw that?!” Kaneki blurted out, as if she was expressly forbidden from seeing him admire his friend’s blond hair and beautiful brown eyes from behind the counter. He sighed, accepting his fate. “Yes. I...I love Hide. I have for many years now, but for most of that time I...I tried to contain my feelings. Tried to prevent myself from having them, even. I was ashamed of them.” He frowned sadly as he recalled the many lonely nights he spent in his room, thinking of passionate makeout sessions with his best friend, while at the same time trying not to punch himself in the face for how wrong it felt.
“Tch. That’s one thing I can’t stand about humans,” Touka scoffed. “We ghouls don’t make such a big fuss about gender when it comes to relationships like that. Finding a partner you can spend the rest of your life and be happy with is already hard enough for us. We can't afford to have stupid debates like that when human governments already hunt and kill us for existing.”
“I suppose that makes sense when you put it like that,” Kaneki chuckled, sounding somewhat bitter as he regretted letting his aunt's opinions affect him that much.
“Is that why you went out with Rize? To try to convince yourself you weren’t in love with Hide?”
“Well...for the most part,” he sighed. “The fact that we both liked reading helped. I was attracted to her, but it wasn't the same.”
“Idiot. You would still be a human if you just confessed to him instead.”
“ Don’t remind me. ” Kaneki felt anger bubbling like magma in his chest, simply waiting for the right moment to erupt. The way Touka admonished him brought back unpleasant memories.
If it weren’t for his eyepatch, his telltale eye with a black sclera and red iris would be on full display.
“You’re right, that was uncalled for. Sorry,” she said. “If it’s any help, I’m sure that Hide would return your feelings.”
“It’s too late now, though,” said Kaneki. “He’d have to find out that I was a ghoul. That at any moment, I could become a danger to him. How would he even react?”
“You think I don’t constantly worry about Yoriko finding out?” Touka tried to scale back her anger a bit for Kaneki’s sake. “If anything, I don’t think you should worry about Hide finding out as much as most other people. The worst thing that could happen is that he doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore.”
“Exactly,” said Kaneki succinctly. “More than anything else, I don’t want that to happen. He’s always been there for me. He’s always been so kind and caring. When my parents died, when I needed a place to stay because my aunt made me sleep outside, when Rize put me in the hospital...he stuck around through all that.” The hot tears beginning to run down his cheeks seemed to burn in the bitter cold. “I feel like I have a place to belong with him. If we’re being honest, I’d rather the CCG kill me than lose him.”
“Are you some kind of m--” Touka stopped mid sentence when she heard Kaneki sniffling, and sighed. “Look. I lost a lot of friends because they found out who I really am. I know how you feel. But when that happens, you have to just keep living and find new ones. I’d be upset if Yoriko left me, but continuing to survive led me to Anteiku, and I wouldn’t want it to end there. I’d want to keep going and see how life would reward me.” She tried to hide her small smile from him. “Besides, I think if Hide did find out, he’d want to try and understand you instead.”
“You...you really think so?” Kaneki wiped his eyes.
“Honestly? Yeah,” she confirmed. “Whenever he talks about ghouls, it’s different than how a lot of our other human customers talk. He doesn’t look down on us like we’re less than him, or rant about rounding us up in slaughterhouses and killing us all. He’s just...interested in us. How our minds and bodies work. It’s almost like he doesn’t see much difference between humans and ghouls. I think you’ll be fine.”
“You--I--thanks, Touka. I needed to hear that,” said Kaneki, his voice still trembling. “But you said you’d kill him if he found out about Anteiku. I still can’t tell him.”
“Oh, right,” Touka recalled casually. “I’ve thought about that. He’s a lot smarter than he lets on, so if it came down to it...I wouldn’t. I see how much he means to you, so I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. That, and you beat Nishiki really badly when he tried to kill him. Nishiki’s a weakling anyway, so I’m not surprised, but I’d rather not be on the wrong side of your revenge.” Kaneki recalled that day by the underpass. He had no fighting experience at all. He was still puzzled by what came over him when he saw Hide knocked unconscious like that. Perhaps it was “the power of love” from those sappy romance novels he used to read when he was going through a phase.
“I appreciate it,” said Kaneki gratefully. “And about Yoriko. I don’t think you have anything to worry about from her either. She seems like she’d be more concerned about your feelings than anything else.”
“I guess so,” Touka responded. “If only she knew I was a lesbian so she could stop assuming I’m dating your twink ass.” They shared a small laugh before walking the rest of the way home in silence.