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The waters of the Seine rolled peacefully by as the Parisian night engulfed the city. Chat Noir found himself sitting on the banks of the river legs dangling off the concrete as he gazes into the water.
It was 9 o'clock on a Saturday and his sitting here had become habitual. He used the time to think to himself though often his thoughts were not happy ones. His escape from his loneliness at home turned into loneliness in the city of love.
Though he had recently taken his lady on a date they didn’t know one another outside the mask. He couldn’t pick up his phone and call her. They only talked on patrol and after Akuma attacks, and while those gave him time to ask her on a date, it didn’t give him time to just talk. He just wanted to talk to her, but he couldn’t, and the thought alone made tears well in his eyes.
He started to cry tears rolling down his cheeks as his eyes stayed focused on the water. He reached behind him and pulled out his staff opening it to the communicator, he saw a spotted red dot headed his way. He quickly closed his communicator and started to wipe his eyes in preparation for her approach.
He wasn’t ready for her to show up though he desperately wanted her to. She couldn’t see him like this a crumbled façade sitting alone on the river. The quickly crumbling jokes and happiness of Chat Noir falling off his foundation of insecurity.
Despite these problems though he pulled his act together as Ladybug landed next to him.
“Good evening Chaton, why are you out so late?”
“Oh, Milady a surprise to see you, I’m just out for some air” Chat Noir responded plastering a grin on his face as he still composed himself.
It wasn’t convincing and he knew his lady would press him for details that he so desperately wanted to share, but he was scared of her reaction, he knew she was a caring person. That thought though did little to expunge his fears his brain worked overtime to come up with deflective responses to any questions she had.
“What’s wrong?”
Such a simple question that it cut through the inner panic in Chat Noir’s head. What is wrong? He thought to himself. It came with its own slew of questions “How do I know what’s wrong?”, “How do I answer?” etc. He didn’t know how to word it. So, he did the only thing he could to respond to that question he started to sob. His thoughts only increased their onslaught against his brain sending him into a panicked state as he started to not understand them. They rushed by like a raging river as he desperately attempted to stay above it all drowning him as he tried desperately to just make it stop.
Ladybug noticed he was sobbing and had embraced him in a hug as he sobbed. Time seemed to slow in his mind as his thoughts tightened their grip on his fear. He hardly registered his lady’s arms around him as he panicked.
He didn’t know how much time had passed before he was finally able to think again his thoughts settling as he cried on his lady’s shoulder. Ladybug had started petting his hair as he cried in an attempt to soothe him a gesture he greatly appreciated.
“Sorry” he mumbled wiping his face.
Ladybug looked down at him confused “For what?”
“For all that it just happens sometimes”
“It’s ok,” she said kissing his forehead “Do you want to talk about it?”
He looked up at her. Did he want to talk about it? Sure, there was always apart of him that wanted to talk about it, but he had always assumed that no one would care. His father didn’t care, and his friends probably didn’t want to hear about it either.
“It’s nothing,” He responded it was short and if she reacted anything like her friends and family she wouldn’t push it further.
“It’s not nothing if that one question made you react that way, but if you really don’t want to talk, I won’t push it any further and we can sit here in blissful quiet.”
He pondered the offer he really wanted to take, but his fear took hold once again, where do you start with this, he couldn’t pull out a PowerPoint or a brochure he had to tell it all verbally. What if she thought he was just being dramatic or overreacting, sometimes he often thought that he was overreacting, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. So, he decided on the day she disappeared.
“My mother disappeared some years ago and since then my father has been distant,” he started
Ladybug just looked down at him and smiled nodding for him to go on.
“My father and I don’t interact a lot we have a go-between and some days it's hard” he started to choke as he continued but swallowed it and went on.
“He once questioned whether or not I loved him, and it hurt. . . a lot I felt terrible I spent the whole night crying to myself.”
Ladybug's smile wavered as he continued.
“He holds the things I like to do hostage while denouncing my other interests, I feel like I can’t talk to him about stuff I like, though I guess that shouldn’t matter as I can’t talk to him anyway.”
He heard a sniff but continued.
“I also get scared sometimes; I don’t want to die. . .”
Ladybug's breath hitched.
“My thoughts overwhelm me sometimes with thoughts of if it was all over, I don’t want it to be over but something inside me does.”
Chat Noir felt something drop into his hair.
“When it happens, my thoughts speed up and time just seems to slow around me and I just cry, I fear myself and it hurts.”
Chat stopped as he heard a choked sob above him his lady had started crying during his vent, rant, talk? He didn’t know what to call it he had never told anyone.
“Why have you never told anyone?” Ladybug choked out.
“I don’t know it didn’t seem important, sometimes I just forget about it and wander around my day, I don’t really remember those days Plagg just says I turn into a robot” he chuckled.
That did not seem to be the right response as Ladybug buried her face in his hair as she cried.
Launching into damage control mode Chat Noir attempted to defend his actions.
“I make puns and joke around to show everyone I’m alright it’s like my third mask, so I don’t drag anyone down”
“You stupid cat,” she said pounding a fist on his chest.
“My Lady?”
“Were partners you should have told me!”
“I didn’t think it was a problem it only affects me.”
“Like hell it does!” she shouted.
Chat Noir went silent his ears and tail drooping as he cast his eyes to the ground in shame.
“What if one day you acted on those thoughts and I lost you? I’d never know your identity, I wouldn’t have known where you had gone, you would have just been GONE!”
Chat Noir opened his mouth, but Ladybug carried on.
“I love you dammit, do you know how scary it would be for me to just lose you? I want you Chat Noir were a team, partners, I can’t lose you” she said through tears.
Ladybug sobbed on Chat Noir for what seemed like an eternity. He didn’t think telling someone his problems would bring out this reaction. It felt nice that someone cared it filled him with the long-lost sense of being loved. After Ladybug had settled down Chat spoke.
“Do you want to know why I was originally out here?”
“Why?”
“I wanted to talk to you,” Chat said, “I don’t get to talk to people regularly your pretty much the only person I have regular contact with aside from school.”
He started twisting his ring.
“I wanted to give you this,” he said handing over a strip of paper he had been holding onto.
“It’s a burner phone I got so that I can text and call you.”
Tears threatened to spill over Ladybugs eyes once again. She took the number from him and slipped it into her yoyo.
“You can text or call me whenever you want, but sometimes I can’t make it to the phone. I promise to call back whenever I can.”
“I will” she responded with a watery smile.
“Thanks for letting me talk about my. . . problems,” he said having a hard time choosing his words as it was his first time talking about it.
“Anytime, and I mean that I love you. I want to know if you’re hurting so I can help you. I’m just sorry I didn’t notice sooner.”
“It’s ok I’ve been hiding it for years I have practice,” he joked
Ladybug punched him in the gut.
“Hey!”
“That’s not funny”
“ok, ok” he relented holding his hands up.
They sat there in silence once again as the river flowed on before them. Chat leans down and presses a chaste kiss to his Lady’s lips and makes to stand.
“Thank you, Milady,”
“Thank you, Chaton”