Chapter Text
Somebody reached out to him from some incomprehensible distance away. In the darkness of his eyelids, he saw their message. It felt like an eternity or a nightmare. It might have been a plea, but Eren had no way of knowing. They hesitated, and then, they left him a tool. Yes, that's what it felt like. That other stuff was for later, and this was for now. Maybe this will change things, someone said, but he didn't know why or how.
When he woke up, Mikasa was standing over him. Sunlight filtered through the tree branches and framed her face. He was surprised that she was there, given everything that had happened. And then he realized that nothing had happened, and he felt confused. She adjusted her scarf.
"I was starting to get worried. You weren't waking up," she said, pulling Eren to his feet.
"Wasn't your hair shorter?" he asked dazedly.
She looked back at him, disappointed. "You must have been asleep for too long to be spouting nonsense like that,"
He scratched his head dumbly. "I feel like I had the longest dream. What was it about?" He focused and reached back: nothing. "I can't remember," he finished. The grass was humid, but the shade was cool. "I'm sorry for falling asleep," he said, shouldering his pack and trailing after her.
Mikasa looked at him strangely. "Why are you crying?"
"Huh?" He touched his cheek. It was wet. "I don't know," He felt like something had happened, but he knew that nothing had happened. He woke up knowing he had to do something but didn't remember what it was he had to do. There was a lingering pain inside his chest, a great deal of genuine sadness he had felt. It wasn't self-pity, but it wasn't quite empathy either.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," he said irritably, scrubbing his face. "Don't tell anyone,"
The bell tolled, interrupting their conversation. Eren perked right up.
"The Survey Corps is back!" Eren yelled excitedly. "Come on! If we hurry, we can watch them arrive,"
Something scratched uncomfortably in the back of his mind, but he put it aside for now. He raced across the grassy hills and through a sparse stretch of trees before reaching the main road.
He took the lead, dashing into town. Between dodging pedestrians and stalls, he heard Hannes drunkenly call out, "Heyo Eren! Mikasa!"
"Hey, Hannes!" He waved back cheerfully, turning around only for a second. Mikasa waved back as well.
By the time they made it to the gate, most of the soldiers had already passed. "Ah, we missed most of it. There should still be–" he was cut off by the sound of a woman wailing. Startled, he scrambled on top of a nearby crate to get a better look. The procession had stopped. Almost every soldier was bandaged or limping. They'd left with nearly a hundred soldiers, and only about twenty had returned. Amongst the carts and horses, a woman wept on her knees, clutching a severed arm to her chest. Eren's heart sank. He knew the Survey Corps had casualties. He knew the situation was desperate. But still, it was different to see it right before his eyes. 'The Titans did this,' he thought grimly. His resolve never wavered. He would join the Survey Corps, and he would free everyone from these walls. He'd free everyone from this suffering.
A man sneered. "This is how the government spends our tax dollars? Sending out our men to fatten up the enemy,"
"How dare you!" Eren turned towards the man, but he felt a strong arm tug him from his spot before he could say anything else. Mikasa dragged him from the crowd. "We're going now, Eren,"
"Stop it, Mikasa!" He said, struggling in her grip. She didn't respond, only tugged him along roughly. When they were a reasonable distance away, she tossed him.
"You still want to join the Survey Corps? After what you've just seen?"
"Of course! You'd rather sit inside these walls every day? Waiting to die like cattle? What sort of a life is that?"
"You're really going, aren't you," she said quietly, tucking her mouth into her scarf. But of course, she knew Eren was serious when he said this. He was always running away from her.
She only relented because she heard tousling from a nearby alley and spotted Armin cornered by bullies. Eren shouted out to his friend and raced in to help. Mikasa sighed wearily and ran along behind him. It was only after the bullies spotted Mikasa that they high-tailed out of there.
"You alright, buddy?" Eren asked, stooping down to help his friend back up.
"Yeah, I'm good. Sorry for getting in trouble like that," Armin said as Eren dusted off his clothing.
"It's not your fault," Mikasa insisted.
"Still. Thank you," he said.
They found a grassy place to sit. "Yeah, my dad's leaving for the interior today, but I overslept, and we wouldn't have gotten back in time to say goodbye. Ah, I feel bad. But it's still pretty light in the sky so we shouldn't have to go back too soon now that he's already left," Eren sighed. The unease he felt grew sharply into anxiety. "Do any of you guys feel kinda panicky right now? I feel like something's gonna happen. My stomach feels all weird,"
"Is something wrong Eren?" Armin asked.
"He was crying for no reason earlier," Mikasa deadpanned.
"Hey! I told you not to say anything!" He glared at Mikasa and hugged his knees to his chest. His face reddened in embarrassment.
"You should talk to your dad about this when he comes back," Armin suggested. "Did you eat any of those bad peaches from the Meyer's grocery? My Grandpa had an upset stomach from that," Armin asked thoughtfully, nodding to himself.
"I didn't eat rotten fruit Armin! I'm serious! Something's gonna happen, I feel it," Eren pulled at a handful of grass. "We should go home. It doesn't feel safe here. I don't know," He looked at the walls, brows furrowed in concentration. Mikasa and Armin exchanged a look. He hefted his pack of wood and rose to his feet. "Come on," he urged.
"I'll walk with you guys. I haven't spoken to Carla in a while," Armin patted the dirt from his pants and hugged his book close to his chest.
Eren was quiet as they walked, staring at his feet and trying to understand what was upsetting him. Mikasa cast him a look. Armin prattled on about a new bird he spotted. "It didn't flap its wings like a robin or anything either. It moved in these large circles" He held his arms out like wings and flapped them slowly for emphasis, "It was huge, and you could see its whole head was white!" They rounded a block, and Armin cut himself off.
"Is that smoke?"
Suddenly Eren snapped his head up. He didn't hesitate. He grabbed both his friends by the backs of their shirts and slammed them behind the closest building.
"Get down!" He yelled, pushing on the backs of their necks to shove them to the ground. He brought them into a huddle and covered their heads as best he could with his body. Someone started screaming.
"Eren! What's happening!?" Armin yelled, his voice muffled against Eren's chest.
Eren didn't respond, only braced. Then the breach occurred. Eren ducked with the impact, and he could feel both Armin and Mikasa clutch tighter to him. The ground shook, and the sound was deafening. For a moment, he couldn't hear anything beyond a high-pitched whine. The world became simply the three of them huddled together surrounded by noise. But slowly, the sounds of chaos filtered back in: distant screams and then the sound of falling debris. Something smacked hard into the front of the building they hid against, causing the front of the store to crumble. Eren gasped as a baseball-sized stone lodged free of the wall and thudded against his back. Dust invaded their lungs, leaving them coughing violently. Smaller pieces of debris skipped along the cobblestone streets. Through the dusty haze, Eren watched a massive chunk of the wall slide down the road they'd just been standing on. Two bodies slid along underneath it. Eren gagged.
They all stumbled to their feet, shellshocked. "Armin go find your grandpa," Mikasa ordered over the clamouring voices and panic. Armin stood gaping at the wreckage, frozen in his spot. "GO!" He scrambled and then ran. Mikasa was about to turn to Eren and lead him home, but he was already yanking her forwards. They were already so close. It was just around the corner. Eren pleaded to every deity he knew, even to wall Maria, that his house would be among those spared. But of course, he couldn't have hoped for so much.
Carla told them that the wreckage broke her legs and that she wouldn't be able to escape with them even if they'd pulled out. Of course, that didn't stop Eren from futilely pulling at the cross beams pinning her to the ground. To his horror, Carla's legs kicked even as the smiling titan crushed her chest in its fist. Eren twisted and squirmed in Hannes' hold on him. He cried hopelessly.
"Your mother died because you weren't strong enough," Hannes told him, and Eren cruelly thought that Hannes was terrible at comforting a child. "She died because I didn't have the courage to face that titan," his voice shook, and tears slid down his face too. Eren had never seen Hannes break down before. He was a cheerful man, a consistent presence in his life. Always teasing or egging on the childish fights he'd get in with the other kids. He was supposed to be slacking off, so assured and comfortable in the safety of the walls. And to see him now, a coward crying in the street, he didn't know what to think. It was the first sign that the world had permanently changed.
"I knew it was going to happen, Hannes," he confessed, "I knew it, and I still couldn't do anything,"
"Don't say bullshit like that Eren!" Hannes demanded. He stooped to his height, looking him dead in the eyes. "Nobody could have known. Nobody knew! We weren't prepared in the slightest! This shouldn't have even happened! After hundreds of years of safety, how could you have known the walls would fall today? There was nothing you could have done. There was nothing I could have done either," he spat. "There was nothing any of us could do!" He swept his hands to the gathering masses. "We're absolutely helpless. Do you understand!?" He shook Eren's shoulders, emphasizing each point. "So don't go around saying that you knew. You didn't. Hurry now before you miss the boat," Hannes said with finality.
Eren couldn't meet Hannes's eye anymore, opting to stare down at the ground, furious and ashamed. He knew it was going to happen. He knew! It sounded ridiculous, maybe impossible, but he did. He felt stupid for it anyway. When Hannes turned away, Eren couldn't maintain his composure anymore and sobbed into his hands. Mikasa was in shock, her hand fisted in Eren's shirt. As they boarded the boat, they saw Armin shouting at him from the side. He quickly fell quiet upon seeing Mikasa and Eren boarding alone. People screamed from the banks, fighting to get up the ramp. "No more room! Wait for the next boat!" a garrison soldier yelled over the clamoring voices. Some tried to jump from the bank onto the boats, some falling into the water below. Others raised their children up to family on board as the ships departed. Eren felt sick. Mikasa finally let herself quietly cry.
There was no more space on the seats. Armin had given his spot to his grandfather, so the trio sat huddled on the ground nearby. He didn't need to ask about Carla.
Another boom dragged his eyes from the floorboards. He only caught a glimpse of the white-haired titan but watched in horror as titans poured in through the gaping hole in Wall Maria. Chaos filled the air. Armin started manically crying, clutching at his hair. Mikasa wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his shoulder. Eren stood grasping the boat's rail in a white-knuckle grip.
"The wall is breached!"
"We'll all be devoured by titans!"
I can never go home again, Eren realized. He remembered his mother's hand on his face. He remembered the way she'd fuss over him. He remembered walking through the markets, the forests. He remembers running along the river, Mikasa trailing shortly behind. He remembers sitting on his rooftop all day with Armin, promising each other they'd get to see the world together. My life is gone, he realized. They took it from me. It's because we are weak, helpless. The only thing the weak can do is weep and wail. His whole body shook in anger. "I will be the one to erase them from this world," he said through the tears on his face. His voice shook with his conviction.
As Mikasa watched him, she felt a well of despair open in her heart. She, too, felt rage, but she was overwhelmed by the despair of losing Carla. She'd already lost her mother and her father. By taking her in, Carla had saved her life. Yet again, she'd lost everything. Eren was one of the only people she had left, and when she looked at him, he was already running away.