Chapter Text
It began on Krypton. The pain of a blade at her side, slicing through skin, just above her hip bone. There was no obvious source. No reasoning. No medical ailments. No proof of anything harming Kara's body as far as Kelex could tell.
It took Kara a month to admit it to her mother, and another month following before she was allowed before the Religious Guild to be purged of her affliction. Every night she had pleaded with Rao to stop the pain, and he had never graced her with mercy. Her head hung low as she knelt in front of the devout, their glowing masks and flowing garbs proving no distraction from the pure agony she felt.
One acolyte approached, wary of her pain. As they laid their hand on her shoulder, their words were nothing but a whisper.
“Where does it hurt?”
“Outside of my body. As if my heart is walking around without me as a protective casing.”
The words slipped out of Kara's mouth without any forethought. She knew her pain came from just above her hip, but the acolyte's touch had given her clarity. It was a truth that was not meant for her, as Rao's grace could not be understood so easily. And in that clarity, she was given peace. The pain subsided, becoming nothing but a numb ache.
And then, all too soon, she had forgotten it was there at all; all too easily replaced with another agony. She would never see her parents again. She had already failed Kal-El, as he would surely arrive on earth, and she would be trapped here, in the phantom zone, forever. Mid heartbeat. Yearning to inhale. Fearing this would never end. Reliving the explosion of her planet over and over again, not even allowed the grace to shut her eyes to let out the tears and block out the void.
Suddenly she felt foolish that a little pain on her hip had ever paralysed her.
On earth, there was too much pain to remember all the little causes. The constant drone of the world was too loud, hammering in her ears, beating with her heart. Her feet were too heavy on the earth below her as she willed every step to not crack cement. And then there was the pain of her senses overwhelmed as the world bent in an out of her x-ray vision sometimes even through her lead-lined glasses.
And of course, there was the ache in her chest. Did her heart yearn for her planet, or did she wish she could simply hug someone without breaking them? Did she yearn for the way her father's arms swept her up and lovingly crushed her in his embrace?
∙†∙
It was a magical night in Midvale, as the Danvers sisters sat on a large flat rock overlooking the water, bathed in the light of the lighthouse in the distance. The Danvers family had just returned to Midvale from Kara's University graduation ceremony in National City. Alex quietly nursed a beer as Eliza approached carefully, her hands filled with drinks as she balanced precariously on the slightly slippery surface. She laughed lightly as Kara swiped their iced teas from her adoptive mum with one hand while steadying Eliza with the other hand.
They sat in comfortable silence for a while, just enjoying the rippling water, and the soft sounds of the waves washing up on their beach before being swept away again.
“I want you to know how very proud of you I am.”
Eliza's words were always motherly, and the best Kara could have asked for. She had never replaced Alura, and she never would. But there was something special about this family. And while the feeling was still there, the heartache, Eliza made it better. Alex made it better.
Alex put an arm around Kara, jerking her out of her thoughts. Silently Alex wiped the tears off Kara's face with the sleeve of her flannel shirt, sighing as she pulled Kara in closer.
“They are very proud of you too,” Eliza's fingers intertwined with Kara's as the three of them looked up to the sky, watching the stars as they guided Kara's prayers back to her family.
“Kara?” Alex squinted as she examined Kara's hand, freeing it from Eliza's. “Kara! You have it! There are words on your skin!”
Alex was grin split her face ear to ear as she scrambled around on the rock pulling Kara up with her, crushing her in as tight a hug as a human could muster.
“Oh Kara,” Eliza's smile was soft and her voice even gentler as she lay a hand on Kara's back. “You have a soulmate, Kara.”
Kara trembled in Alex's arms, eager to pull Eliza in when she edged closer, her tears hot and silent as a sob silently wrecked her body. She had been alone for so long, lost everyone and everything. Getting to earth and finding out that humans got soulmates was gut-wrenching for the Kryptonian who had lost everyone she had ever loved. She never thought she would have someone, not here where she was never meant to be.
“What did they write? What does it say?” Alex pulled away from Kara, delicately flipping Kara's wrist over as she traced the word on her forearm.
They seemed rushed, written with a delicate fine tip marker. Perhaps an expensive pen strangely textured pen.
Mxyzptlk.
Kara wondered, was that her soulmate's name? A pet name? Some sort of clue, or game or strange teaser for Kara.
“I wonder what it means. Maybe that's their name! Maybe they're an alien, like me,” Kara's voice cracked as she smiled wiping away her tears. It was all hitting her at once, most of all how she yearned to hug someone as tight as she possibly could. Perhaps there was hope for her now.
Across the country only moments ago the youngest Luthor rifled desperately through Lionel's desk, searching for a pen. At this point, Lena would have taken any form of writing utensil even if it required her blood to ink the pages. She was desperate as the information she had been looking for teased her on the screen.
All it had taken was hacking into Lionel's personal computer on the night of his funeral. The only time Lena would have ever risked as wildly suicidal as trespassing over a Luthor's property. Lex and Lillian were distracted, and Lena knew that every paper that she shifted out of place would be painfully obvious to the remaining Luthor parent. Lena had to risk it, so much was resting on this discovery.
Buzzing with the energy of her find Lena uncharacteristically uncapped the marker by grasping its cap between her teeth as she rolled up her sleeve. She glanced at the screen as she copied down the strange string of letters that had popped up.
Mxyzptlk.
Oh. Oh no. Lena panicked as she began to furiously rub at the ink on her skin. She had never meant to mark herself, it had been a mistake. She should have used a piece of paper. It was harder to sneak out, but the risk of it was infinitely better than what she had just done. A spur of the moment, complete and utter mess of a misstep. She had been so caught up in her excitement that her instinct had betrayed her.
Cursing herself, she frustratedly realised there was nothing she could do about it now. She gave herself a second, all that she needed to regain composure, before she rolled down her sleeve again, and began repositioning the papers back into order. She angled them carefully, placing them exactly as she had found them, delicately lowering a thin strand of a high tech equivalent of fishing wire back over her father's keyboard.
She took one last look around the room, breathing in her father's cologne.
With a hesitant step towards the drinks cart, she poured herself two fingers of scotch before picking up another glass and doing the same. Carefully she placed the second glass on the desk, holding out her own as she had done many a time before with her father.
“To your good health father."
Her words wished a peace to his soul that she had never known from him. They carried him on with her, as they had every time she had ever risen her glass with him before.
She could almost see him, picking up the glass as he leant back in his chair. It's not something he did often. It was an action he didn't even spend on power plays. No. Lionel only ever leant back in his chair when he would smile at her, letting go of everything else and simply relaxing.
He responded to her toast in kind, as he always did.
“To the Luthor legacy."
His words were but a whisper in her mind, as was the ghost of him that held the glass high and proud.
Proud of her. His Luthor legacy.
Lena sat gently on the seat opposite his table, eyes on the imposing leather chair in front of her, looking intentionally past the glass that remained full and sat on the table. That's how Lex and Lillian found her, hours later, with her first glass of scotch still not empty. She had always been taught to enjoy it, savour it. And so she did as Lex poured himself a glass of another alcohol, careful to avoid the one their father had always reserved for his daughter.
Lex took the seat beside her as Lillian found herself on the chesterfield behind them.
“Will this be your office now?” Lena asked, her voice quiet as her eyes never flickered from the leather chair.
“I reckon it will always be his,” Lex's words were assuring. For a second, he was the brother who she loved again. Not that she ever stopped loving him. He was just her Lex in that moment. The one who knew how much this meant to her and wouldn't use it against her. The Lex who would fight for her to have it.
Eventually, Lex and Lillian left, leaving just Lena.
Acutely aware of every movement, Lena peeked under her sleeve. There was no dramatic moment, save for the gentle slowing of her heart rate as she let herself fall into calm finding no response on her skin, no offending marks. To most, it would have been but torturous to not receive a response, but to her, it only solidified what she already knew. She didn't have a soulmate. Lena was destined to be alone and that's how she told herself she liked it. No one would get hurt this way.
Over the years Lena found comfort in the ghost of her father that lived in that office, who sat behind that desk. She was grateful that neither Lillian nor Lex had sullied the space. Never moved anything; never changed anything.
Lionel had never been a man in whom to find comfort while he was alive, but Lena supposed he didn't have much choice in the matter now.
∙†∙
“They're not responding,” Kara's eyebrows furrowed as she defeatedly capped the marker she had covered her other arm in.
“They might still be reading,” Alex laughed as Kara flipped her arm over desperate to find any empty spot to fill that she could reach.
There were messages of life, laughter and happiness. Small snippets of song lyrics that made her happy, that reminded her of Alex, that reminded her of Krypton. She had let herself get too carried away with scribing all the beautiful words she had collected into the journal that Eliza had gifted her. Oh, how Kara dreamed of having a soulmate. Of writing sweet nothings to them, just as the humans did. Kara was nothing if not a dreamer. She had spent so much time daydreaming about a soulmate, that she had found herself hoarding sweet words in her journal. Fantasizing about scribing them onto her skin instead of the paper. Now she had the chance, to share all the beautiful things she had collected with this mysterious person on the other side of her felt-tipped pen.
Kara was nearly out of space on her arm reaching all the way around to her shoulder as far as she could go when Alex reminded her to write down her name.
I'm Kara. Is your name Mxyzptlk?
Kara fell asleep with a gentle smile on her face, anxious to receive all the words her soulmate had to give her in return.
She woke up with no return message.
Kara knew she could come on a little strong, maybe her soulmate just needed to go a little slower.
“Did they respond?” Alex pressed a kiss to Kara's forehead as she slid a plate of pancakes over the counter to her sister.
“Yes,” Kara cleared her throat. She wasn't sure why she would lie to Alex, of all people. Stumbling over the name, Kara kept going, “Mxyzptlk is their name.”
Kara was not much of a liar, and one lie meant she was already in too deep.
“I think they might be an alien!” Kara edged on.
Kara hated lying and she hated having to hide the hurt of receiving no response from Alex.
But how could she stop? Especially when Alex was congratulating her, hugging her. Saying how happy she was that Kara had someone who might understand her better. Alex was being so supportive it broke Kara's heart a little. Alex held her close and assured her that Alex would always be there for her. As much as she wished she could be the person that Kara could relate to, sometimes there has to be more than one important person in your life.
“Maybe they'll have super strength,” Kara shut her eyes for a second, willing her mouth to just stay shut.
Alex's hand squeezed Kara's shoulder as hard as she could, hoping to convey the comfort to the Kryptonian who would barely feel it as a breath against her shoulder.
“Whoever they are will be right for you in ways only you could ever fully understand.” Alex took Kara's hand as they finished breakfast. “I know you didn't expect this Kara, but you don't have to be alone now, don't you see?”
Kara wished it were that easy. She wished her soulmate would just respond.
“Why did they take so long to write?” Kara looked up at Alex earnestly. “I know I stopped writing very often after I turned sixteen. I just didn't want to get my hopes up in case all aliens didn't get soulmates. But I did keep writing you know, thinking maybe they were only a little bit younger. But this age gap is…”
“Hey, hey,” Alex shot her a look as she sat down with her own plate in front of her. “You're not about to meet them right at this moment, and there's no confirmation that they just turned fourteen! They could have been nervous to write. If they're an alien maybe they just got to earth!”
“Thanks, Alex.”
“Of course, Kara,” Alex finished up her plate before taking both empty dishes to the sink. “Look, why don't I help you pack up anything you have left here before we drive down to National City tomorrow! I can't believe you're moving out of student residence and into your first apartment! Are you excited?”
“About that Alex, I was thinking maybe I could do the moving in by myself, you know superspeed and all. If I'm going fast enough no one will notice, and honestly, I'd rather do that and get it over and done with than pretend to do it slowly.”
“Just, make sure no one notices alright?” Alex was hesitant, ever the protective sister.
“No one will notice, I promise!” Kara grinned.
∙†∙
Two weeks later Kara found herself toying with her sleeve as she came back from work. She wrote down another sentence, a desperate attempt to try and earn a reply from her soulmate.
I'd love to get to know you. I'm starting to feel as if I'm missing someone I don't even know yet. Is that cheesy? Probably is, ignore me. Anyway, I am anxious to hear back from you. Yours, Kara.
She let herself fall onto the couch exhausted from her day at work. It's not as if the Noonan's was busy enough to keep her this tired, but the small hard mattress that she had was enough to make anyone toss and turn in discomfort.
What kept her busiest was the deliveries she made. She had signed up for multiple apps, and she used a combination of her speed and flying to make deliveries as quickly as well, alienly possible. Her fast timing served mostly to confuse people, as they attempted to track her through the app, only to find her in front of their doorsteps mere minutes after pickup from the restaurant. Sometimes she would lie and say that the tracker wasn't working because her data was spotty and that she had left the restaurant quite a while ago. Other times she would claim that she forgot to log picking up the food into the app, so by the time the app realized it should put her on the little map she was mostly already to their door. None argued or pried too deeply, and the few that tipped generally would tip better for the fast service.
Kara wished more than anything that she could just land an interview that wasn't in the service industry. Minimum wage really had a way of keeping her stuck in her shoebox apartment, ravenous at all times, unable to quite keep up with what her diet demanded of her.
Whenever Alex and Eliza asked, Kara made sure not to burden them. Alex and Kara had been in the same city for quite a while, but with Alex's medical journey and University for Kara, it had been had hard to find time to hang out too often and now they weren't quite used to it. After a few attempts at inviting herself over to Kara's place to see it, Alex had given up, concluding maybe her sister needed a little space. Eliza however, was not as easy to push off. She sent Kara as much as she thought she could get away with, without Kara wordlessly transferring the money back. Eliza had given her many a lecture on pride, but even Kara acutely knew just how much a private investigator cost, and how badly her sister wanted her father back.
Kara let Alex stay in the dark, about the cube apartment she lived in, with its bare unfinished concrete walls, a fridge, a bed that doubled as her sofa and a desk without a chair that she had pulled over to the end of her bed. Not that she needed it, she hadn't written more than a few words here and there for a long time. She winced as the paper-thin walls left her with constant headaches as similarly afflicted people fought loudly, the small space not quite conducive to communal living. At least she didn't have a roommate, in this tight space, she wondered how the people she heard constantly fighting had survived this long. For all their profanities, they were stronger than they realised.
Sometimes Kara lay awake at night as she watched a pixelated Clark on the tiny flickering screen of her phone, with their house crest displayed proudly as he saved everyone. He had received Lois' words on his skin on time like the perfect all American boy he was.
Kara's skin lay continuously bare and life continued on until that one fateful night years later that the pixels on the screen made up Clark's crumpled body as Lex Luthor pummeled him to the ground.
If you can see this, if you exist, you are loved, and you deserve to be loved.
The words drifted from Lena's skin to Kara's as Lena once again sat in Lionel's office, this time following Lex's arrest. She wrote furiously, aware that no words had ever graced her skin. There was a part of Lena that wished there was someone on the other side, who received her words. She had long given up hope that she would ever receive words of her own, but watching the cuffs snap around Lex's wrist had shaken her. He had been the only person, save for the messed up love she had for her dead father, that she loved. Every moment was unbearable, and every second she wished she had someone else to love. Someone who wasn't a murderer and a violent sociopath.
A small part of Lena wondered whether the words were just for a soulmate that didn't exist, or whether they were what Lena had spent so long wishing would appear on her own skin.
Everyone got their soulmate, and just because Lena was defective, just because the words would never grace her skin, didn't mean that Lena couldn't have hope. Lena decided to write to this love that she would never have, maybe there was a tiny chance that it was all a big misunderstanding and she did have a soulmate.
Part of her knew that she was only fooling herself. Even if she somehow, after it all did truly have a soulmate, she would never wish herself upon her worst enemy. Having to love someone, that she was used to. Lena and Lillian had done that dance many a time. Part of Lena was glad that no one was forced to love her. That no marks danced across her skin, the words of a lover that didn't deserve the pain that came with loving a Luthor.
The pain that she all too keenly felt as Lex, the only person she had left that she felt an ounce of love for, threatened her life from where he was led away just outside the large windows behind Lionel's desk.
The customary two fingers of scotch rested on the desk in front of her, as the other glass was held delicately between her fingers. She tipped her head back this time, downing the whole glass in one go, before standing and placing her glass down a little too aggressively.
“So much for the Luthor legacy, father."
This time Lena didn't bother with their traditional toast.
∙†∙
Kara shifted over in surprise as the words, so elegantly written appeared on her skin. She bit back a sob as she dropped her phone onto her bed, swinging her feet off the side of her mattress. Too scared to take her eyes off the words, Kara rushed over towards her desk to hold her arm under the small flickering desk lamp, who's semi cracked lightbulb was the only light in the room. Shaky hands took a picture of the words, yearning to memorialise them before the dissipated.
It was real. She hadn't imagined the first words her soulmate had written, it had really happened. The proof stood in the second instance of her soulmate bond, with the sweetest words she had ever read. It had been so long since that first word had come through, Kara had begun doubting herself entirely. Maybe she had written it on her skin, blacked out and then misinterpreted it as proof of a soulmate. But that clearly wasn't the case. Not if the strangely welcome declaration of love from this person who didn't know her at all, had anything to say about it.
Her fingers clicked furiously on the screen before she stopped hovering just over Alex's contact. A part of Kara wished she had never lied to Alex all those years ago, so she could celebrate with her sister now.
A notification popped up on Kara's screen, picturing a bloodied Superman. It grounded Kara back to her reality as Kara shut her eyes tight. Kal-El was okay, had survived and Lex Luthor was going to jail for a long time. Kara only wished that her soulmate hadn't chosen today to grace her skin.
Kara decided she didn't want to tell Alex. She didn't want to drag her into this. What if her soulmate took another few years to write again?
We don't know each other yet, and most don't say ‘I love you’ so quickly, but I have a feeling it is already true. I am really happy that you wrote back. Always anxious to hear back from you. Yours, Kara.
Kara finished off her message with a little heart, before laying back on her bed and shutting her eyes, willing herself to drown out the sounds of the city and the commotion that surrounded it. She ignored the calls from Alex and Eliza, her fingers mindlessly typing out assurances that she was okay, and that she was nowhere near Metropolis.
There was a text from Alex, wishing her luck for her interview the next day. Kara beamed at the thought, happy to let it wash over her. Things were turning around. Tomorrow she had an interview to be Cat Grant's assistant, her soulmate had just written back, and Kal-El was safe. Life was only going up from here.