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Before Hua Cheng called Xie Lian, he practiced saying his name.
“Gege, hi. It’s me.”
“This is Hua Cheng. Do you have some time to talk right now?”
“It’s San Lang. How are you doing?”
Gege, gege, gege.
The sound was sometimes too soft, sometimes too neutral—sometimes let show too much of his longing.
Hua Cheng was going to make sure that He Xuan didn’t overhear the call, of course.
It wasn’t as though He Xuan’s jealousy was much of a secret, and Hua Cheng didn’t want it to be. It was good to know what He Xuan was feeling, especially since he so often hid his emotions out of fear of bothering Hua Cheng.
But still, Hua Cheng didn’t want to shove his long-held love in the face of his current lover.
Hua Cheng took a deep breath and dialed the number.
“San Lang! It’s good to hear from you.”
“Gege,” Hua Cheng said. His smile rang clear in his voice, but there was no helping that. Besides, he’d never want Xie Lian to think he wasn’t happy to hear his voice, too.
“Are you doing well? And He Xuan, too?” There was a lot of background noise from Xie Lian’s end—maybe he was standing at a bus stop, or doing homework at a crowded cafe.
Hua Cheng cleared his throat. “Yeah, we’re both doing okay. We—I wanted to ask for a favor. Only if you have time. I know I’m asking for a lot, I promise I wouldn’t have called unless I really thought I had to—”
Soft laughter crackled from the other end. “San Lang, calm down. You haven’t even told me what it is.”
Hua Cheng moved his mouth away from his phone, careful to make sure his heavy exhale wouldn’t reach the receiver. After a moment, he pressed the phone back to his cheek.
“There’s—there’s an issue with our streams. Yin Yu can’t catch all of the comments quickly enough, and some of them are really bad. If Xiao Xuan sees them, it can… it can really hurt him.”
“I'll do it,” Xie Lian said before Hua Cheng could force himself through the rest of his explanation.
“What?”
“Yes, of course I’ll help moderate for you along with Yin Yu. What time? Are you having one tonight?”
Hua Cheng blinked. Relief rippled through him, but so did guilt. “Gege, you don’t have to though. You can take some time to think about it.”
Xie Lian chuckled. “I just did. And then I said yes. It’s for someone you love, San Lang, and it’s for you. I have time. Of course I’ll help out however I can.”
For someone you love.
“Thank you,” Hua Cheng choked out.
“You’re welcome,” Xie Lian replied, voice warm. “I have to go now, but text me the details, San Lang. And tell He Xuan I said hello!”
The other bus passengers were getting annoyed with Hua Cheng, but he wholeheartedly didn’t give a fuck. At least the old lady next to him had been willing to lend him her phone—he would’ve wrestled it out of her hand if he’d had to, but it was nice to not get thrown off the bus.
His mind raced, leading him to all sorts of terrible scenarios. What if He Xuan wasn’t willing to let Xie Lian into the apartment? What if he curled under their creaky dinner table until his thoughts turned into razor blades tearing him apart from the inside out, and the window started feeling safer than the dark?
Hua Cheng involuntarily tore through one of the plastic bags in his lap. He cursed loudly, and multiple people around him shot him dirty looks.
The old lady sitting next to him just helped him pick up the spilled groceries, though, and patted him on the arm. She didn’t say anything like, “Everything will be okay, young man,” and he was grateful because there was never that guarantee. But she did smile at him, and it made his racing heart calm down just a little.
He sincerely hoped He Xuan would let Xie Lian in. He’d seen the way He Xuan had looked at Xie Lian lately—still filled with deep jealousy, but also glowing with a kind of fascination. There was something building in the air between the three of them, and Hua Cheng hoped that it wouldn’t end up breaking them.
Streetlights flashed by, butter spilling over the gray seats again and again. Beyond it, there was just pitch black and torn concrete.
Hua Cheng still wanted both of them, and it was terrible he knew. They couldn’t hang in this balance forever—he wasn’t ever leaving He Xuan, especially not for another man.
But seeing Xie Lian in his life again, seeing the way he and He Xuan interacted… he wanted so badly, for some un-namable, miasmic thing that felt like the aftershocks of a dream—the intensity of want, but not its actual shape.
Only two more minutes and he’d be at his stop. Just two more minutes.
The moment Xie Lian sat down on the couch and smiled at He Xuan first before looking at Hua Cheng, Hua Cheng knew this was the right decision. He Xuan’s hand tightened around Hua Cheng’s, but he didn’t hide his face in Hua Cheng’s shoulder or even look away from Xie Lian. His eyes flickered over Xie Lian’s face, his hands, his clothes, back to his eyes—it was like an afterimage of the same enamored expression Hua Cheng had always worn around Xie Lian at the beginning of their relationship.
“It’s so nice to see you both,” Xie Lian said, a smile stretched wide across his face as if he hadn’t seen them just days ago.
Hua Cheng laughed. “Gege you’re so cheesy. What else are you thinking? That we make your day so much better?”
Xie Lian nodded. “Yes! Yes, exactly.”
Hua Cheng couldn’t help but blush a little. He looked at He Xuan and found him staring with eyes wide open, still trying to take in as much of Xie Lian as he could.
If He Xuan had been feeling any hesitance about what Xie Lian felt for them, Xie Lian’s straightforwardness should’ve been enough to blow that all away. That was one of the things he loved most about Xie Lian; he believed in saying what you meant, no matter how difficult or awkward it was—before you lost the chance to.
Hua Cheng nudged his boyfriend. They’d decided that He Xuan should be the one to bring the topic up since he’d felt pressured to include Xie Lian in the past. They wanted Xie Lian to know this was something He Xuan wanted.
He Xuan clutched tighter at Hua Cheng’s hand. “We—I… Hua-gege still loves you.”
Xie Lian’s smile fell. He glanced furtively at Hua Cheng. “No, He Xuan, please don’t doubt how much San Lang loves you. He really, really does.”
“He does,” He Xuan nodded. “He does, I know it.”
Hua Cheng smiled, nerves and excitement swirling in a mess in his stomach.
Xie Lian tilted his head. “Then…”
He Xuan leaned forward, breaths starting to stutter. But he still forced the words out.
Hua Cheng’s chest glowed with love. His brave, brave boy.
“Hua-gege loves me, and he loves you. And—I really like you, too.”
Xie Lian froze, as still as a lagging video. “You do?”
He Xuan nodded earnestly. He was leaning so far forward that Hua Cheng could see his breath shake a few strands of Xie Lian’s hair.
“So the only question left is, do you like us?” He Xuan’s voice trembled as he spoke, tight as a tripwire.
Xie Lian leaned forward, too, but he didn’t seem to notice it. It was like a magnetic pull drawing them all closer and closer together. Even Hua Cheng had scooted to the edge of the couch without noticing.
“Oh, that’s easy,” Xie Lian breathed. “I like you both very, very much.”
He Xuan reached across the table to touch Xie Lian’s hand, like an innocent moth drawn toward a flame—except that He Xuan knew better than anyone what it was like to be burned.
Xie Lian returned the touch immediately, movements smooth as water. He Xuan took Hua Cheng’s hand, too, and placed it on top of both of theirs.
Hua Cheng stared down in wonder. How could something so simple feel so right?
Xie Lian’s brow furrowed. “But, the two of you work so well. I don’t want to ruin what you have…”
Hua Cheng felt a gut-deep urge to wipe away that little furrow. And then he glanced at He Xuan’s starry-eyed look and realized he didn’t have to hold back. He palmed a hand against the side of Xie Lian’s face and smooth his thumb over Xie Lian’s brow.
“We want to try with the three of us.”
“ Oh. ” Xie Lian breathed out. He glanced immediately at He Xuan. “Xiao Xuan, you’re okay with this? You don’t have to be.”
Hua Cheng grinned. “It was his idea.”
Xie Lian’s hand tightened around He Xuan’s and leaned forward so close they were almost kissing. “Really? San Lang isn’t just messing with me, right, Xiao Xuan? You’re really alright with this?”
He Xuan huffed a little laugh, and Hua Cheng wanted to cradle that sound in this safe circle they’d formed. “Hua-gege would never do that to you.”
He Xuan leaned forward and gently pressed his forehead to Xie Lian’s. “I want you. I want you both.”
Xie Lian made a small sound like he’d been punched in the gut.
“Get over here,” Hua Cheng said, beaming.
Xie Lian scrambled around the table to sit on the other side of He Xuan. He held out his arms, vibrating with energy, waiting to see if it was okay with He Xuan.
He Xuan fell into Xie Lian’s chest. “Xie-gege.”
“Oh my god,” Xie Lian laughed. “Oh, you have no idea how much I’ve been wanting to do this.” He held He Xuan like he was something priceless.
He Xuan reached back and pulled Hua Cheng close too, and then they were all bundled up against each other—Xie Lian’s hands laced around Hua Cheng’s neck, He Xuan cradled between their chests, Hua Cheng tangling their legs together.
“Xie-gege, Hua-gege,” He Xuan was saying over and over, something light and joyful shimmering in his voice.
Xie Lian rocked them back and forth, and Hua Cheng buried his face in He Xuan’s hair.
“Xiao Xuan. Gege,” Hua Cheng said.
And this time he didn’t have to hide any of his longing and love—not when his precious He Xuan’s voice rang with the same adoration.