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When Peter Benjamin Parker, also known to some as the superhero Spider-Man (a.k.a.: Spiderling, Crime-Fighting-Spider, Spider-Boy, and Underoos, according to one Tony Stark; although the kid himself favors more the title “Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man”), first started to train with the Avengers at their compound, he was a little bundle of frayed nerves and anxiety.
It would be an understatement to say that his excitement was off the charts. In fact, it was so bad that his worsened social awkwardness –exacerbated by the presence of his fellow heroes– soon turned into a running joke among the members of the team.
Naturally, the poor teen felt extremely embarrassed at first, despite his teammates thinking of his floundering as rather cute and innocent. They all knew that he couldn’t help it and that he wasn’t doing it on purpose, so they all gave him a collective pass.
However, that same nervousness eased slowly but surely into childish mischievousness. Because even when he eventually managed to fix his “abnormal” behavior after becoming accustomed to the others’ presence, by that time it was already too late and everyone was enjoying the little running gag way too much to drop it. And since some things stuck, for better or for worse, they all came around to accept them as part of Parker’s charm.
One of said anxious traits that characterized the teenager was the way he addressed the Avengers when he first started to spend some time with them. Despite introductions and the assurance of some of the members that Peter could refer to them casually while at the compound, the kid struggled with proper communication for a while.
He tethered between wanting to be respectful and address them properly, and wanting to act cool and call them by their first name or nickname. And so began Spider-Man’s accidental blurting of mixed-up titles, names, and monikers, which sooner than later developed into a whole game.
What started as unintentional became purposeful, and all of the team members came to enjoy Peter’s creativeness of the long and slightly ridiculous (yet hilarious) names that he would use to call his teammates. A nervous mistake that was compulsive turned into an inside joke, leading the Avengers to want to see just how long the kid could make their names. Of course, it didn’t take long before it became a challenge for Peter and a contest of sorts for the others.
Unfortunately for most of the Avengers that were interested, or at least mildly so, the teen either didn’t have much material to go off on or he was just plain scared of doing it with some of the more “serious” members. Natasha, Wanda, and Rhodey didn’t get more than their full names and their “superhero names” (including a respectful and slightly praising, although terrifying, “Master Assassin” for Romanov, to make sure that the Russian wouldn’t retaliate for being made fun of nor for ranking too low in the game’s “scoreboard”).
That was all because Peter was too scared by the chance that he could piss off any of them. And for Vision, he just couldn’t come up with anything worthy; besides that, he held the disappointed belief that the android wouldn’t get it anyway. But, the rest of the team was fair game.
As for the rest of the heroes, Parker was unknowingly helped by some of them. Not to add names and titles to their exaggerated addressing, but to do so for others. Thus, some of the Avengers were inadvertently aiding their competition. And most of that help came from one member alone, who already knew that he would win the contest given how many nicknames and titles he has gathered through the years and from the multitude of people that he knows.
We are of course talking about the one and only Tony Stark. Knowing that he would be crowned king of the longest and most absurd name, he discretely gave some material to Peter in order to make the others not feel as bad (but mostly because he just wanted to have an excuse to laugh at them). Too bad that it didn’t take with Rhodey, although he already does a lot of nickname-ring of his own.
So, in the end, it wasn’t too big of a loss for the engineer, who prefers to mock his best friend himself instead of having someone else do that job for him. Besides, the Colonel would always end up glaring (although in jest) at the kid as a warning, not wanting to be mocked by a teenager. So it was better to let him be.
Something similar ended up happening with Sam, whose extremely smug expression, in anticipation for whatever Peter would come up with, and alongside the residual grudge he still held after Germany, flustered Parker so much that he just managed to splutter the word “birdbrain” out of sheer panic.
That effectively wiped off the smirk on Wilson’s face. Such word was provided by Bucky, who sometimes likes to call Sam that “affectionate” insult, whenever the other man annoys him too much. Yet the fact that Peter went on to actually say it to Sam’s face didn’t amuse the older man at all, making the teen feel even more mortified.
In retaliation, Wilson decided to feed Peter with a few names to give Barnes, but the kid was so afraid of the former “Fist of Hydra” (which, of course, he didn’t use as a title), that he barely managed to squeak a long and mumbled sentence before removing himself from the assassin’s presence. That’s how he ended up muttering something along the lines of “Sergeant James Buchanan ‘Bucky’ Barnes. The Winter Soldier, ‘Manchurian Candidate’, and White Wolf…sir” before scurrying away as fast as possible, leaving a very irritated Bucky behind while a cackling Sam witnessed the whole scene go down.
And the “sir” part was added as a terrified afterthought, as a means to placate the Sarge as much as possible. It did little to appease the metal-armed man, of course.
Buck was left in fourth place in the contest ranking, in front of “Clinton Francis ‘Hawkeye’ Barton, greatest living marksman on the planet, and the Legolas of ‘Normal Earth” (who found his title more flattering than hilarious, except for the last bit) and behind “Scott Edward Harris ‘Ant-Man/Giant-Man/Regular Size-Man’ Lang, the self-proclaimed whistleblower, and cyber-criminal, also known as ‘Tic Tac”.
That last one earned Peter a sequence of a laugh and the ruffling of his hair, followed by a slightly-offended inquiry about the “self-proclaimed” part, to which he decided not to comment on.
That left only two other Avengers left to be addressed: both of the team leaders. Unsurprisingly enough, Steve only got to snatch the second place, not coming nearly as close to first compared to Tony. Still, he got a decent length and most of the titles were actually flattering ones, in contrast to some of the more mocking ones his teammates got (Peter just couldn’t bring himself to say anything bad about the century-old man).
He was named “Captain Steven Grant ‘Captain America’ Rogers, the First Avenger and American hero, the Star-Spangled Man with a Plan, America’s Golden Boy, the Man Out of Time, and the world’s first Super Soldier. Or just ‘Capsicle’, to close friends” by Peter. And although most of it made Steve flush, the last bit made him snort and internally curse Stark. Still, he just awkwardly thanked the kid and let him run along in search of his mentor.
And finally, after a few weeks of intense name-calling, the “Title Contest” came to an end, with only one winner. Said man was “Anthony Edward ‘Iron Man’ Stark Howardson. Visionary, genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. The Prodigal Son, the Da Vinci of Our Time, and the Futurist. Also known as Shellhead, Golden Goose, Starkster, Wonder Boy, Little Prick, Piping Hot Mess, Man in a Can, Tony Stank–”, who ultimately cut Parker off before he could continue to embarrass him.
“Alright, stop, stop. That’s enough, Peter, thank you,” Stark interrupted abruptly, trying to keep a straight face even when he wanted to laugh his head off (despite the last nicknames being a little humiliating and offensive).
The kid was so intent on making the older man win that he decided to forego all niceties and respectfulness, diving straight into insulting monikers and the like.
Nevertheless, Tony was satisfied to be awarded a little trophy that had the complete title engraved on the sizable plate. He even put it on display in his office, alongside other important trinkets, to showcase the pride he felt for his protégé.
Mostly because he wasn’t sure which one was more impressive: the fact that Peter managed to say all of that in one go or the fact that he actually remembered every word. Whichever might be the case, all the Avengers can agree that Peter is not only a good asset for the team but an important member of their little family first and foremost.