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He yelped as he was pushed inside the auditorium and the door was shut loudly behind his back. Feeling like a fool he watched his own feet dangling over the floor while he was almost literally carried forward. Anyone who’d watch from the side would laugh at him, and he felt tremendous shame which forced him to struggle and try to free himself, however futile he knew it’d be. Thankfully no one, aside from Instructor Kaizuka, was inside the large room where the rows of desks seemed to stretch endlessly. But Kaizuka Inaho being here was almost as bad as if there’d be hundreds of students.
Because Kaizuka Inaho was his hero, his role model, his reason for living, his everything. Ever since he saw the video record of his flight in the Final Battle of the Third Interplanetary War - when he was just ten years old - he had been obsessed with flying, with Kaizuka Inaho, with the UFE, and he had spent the next twelve years trying to get closer to his dreams which included: learning to fly, getting into the army and - ultimately - working under Kaizuka’s patronage. His plans were a bit ruined when for some reason Kaizuka Inaho had decided to reduce his ties with the military and had made a career change, becoming a flight Instructor in the UFE Fleet Academy, but that had not steered him away and he did his best to enroll in the Academy and was quite proud he now was a cadet.
Instructor Kaizuka’s lectures were long and tedious but anyone who had a speck of brains had long ago realized how brilliant they were at core. People who one day wanted to fly in kataphrakts or planes or spaceships or, perhaps, to aim for the famous Deucalion crew devoured Kaizuka’s lectures like starved, and he was not an exception. No one dared to get on Kaizuka’s bad side - if such side even existed for one had yet to see if Kaizuka Inaho could get angry. And that’s why he was truly terrified: being held like a bag of potatoes in front of his respected teacher was humiliating. He knew his small stunt wasn’t something to be proud of but he had done it from his heart, and so he clenched his teeth and resolved to stay true to his beliefs.
“Kaizuka, what the fuck is wrong with your cadets?” Instructor Troyard’s voice was full of venom and spite as he shook him evilly and then gave him a shove. He ended up sitting on the bench in front of Kaizuka’s table in the center of the room. Sunlight was pouring into the auditorium through the large open windows and he could hear how calmly the trees rustled outside. The evening was away yet; the warm sun was out; it was a perfect late spring day for a long walk, but, of course, he had killed any hopes of it with his own hands.
“My cadets, Troyard?” Kaizuka Inaho didn’t hurry to raise his eyes from the papers he was signing. He kept to his work, his right hand moving slowly and accurately, his posture completely relaxed. He was dressed in his usual white shirt but his cuffs were undone and the sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. Kaizuka’s body looked strong, yet contrasted with the gray in his hair, but he guessed anyone who had gone through the two Interplanetary Wars carried some scars. For his age of forty years Kaizuka seemed very fit, and sometimes under the cover of night he wondered why Kaizuka was unmarried still - since even after retiring to be a teacher he was very famous among the UFE, Vers and ordinary people. Sometimes the other cadets joked that Kaizuka was in love with his work, and no matter how he looked at it, it indeed seemed that way.
“My cadets, Kaizuka, do not write idiotic stuff on the restroom mirrors with a marker,” Instructor Troyard growled, his patience was clearly running thin. He leant forward, paying no mind he was embezzling Instructor Kaizuka’s personal space, placed both his palms over the different papers on the table and abruptly moved them sideways, clearing the table’s wooden surface and almost forcing Kaizuka’s pen to touch the varnished wood.
He stared at Instructor Troyard with barely concealed hate. He really loved the Academy and its teachers but Slaine Troyard was impossible to respect. And it wasn’t even because of his past history which stated that during the Second Interplanetary War he had been a follower of Vers. No, the Third War had been so devastating that past histories were erased and rewritten anew. He knew Slaine Troyard had fought bravely and he knew people respected and admired him as well as they did admire Kaizuka Inaho. Actually it was because, for some reason when it came to flying, people were only talking about Troyard these days. And also because during his first practice lesson when he had been standing in the row together with the other cadets Troyard had come up to him, looked him directly in the eyes and said - cruelly - “You are forbidden to fly. You’re not ready.”
Truth to be told, he wasn’t the only one to whom Troyard had given the wrecking verdict. But it was his third course in the Academy and he was so close to his dream - to finally get into a kataphrakt and fly - it had hurt. It hurt even now, several months later, that he still did not have Troyard’s permission for real practice while the other cadets were slowly getting access to the machines. He hated Slaine Troyard with all his soul; he hated those watchful sea-blue eyes, short sunny hair, the line of his broad shoulders and the way people seemed to love him more than they loved Kaizuka. He hated even the way he kept his uniform buttoned up to his neck on the hottest of days.
“Interesting,” since his papers were moved Instructor Kaizuka finally raised his head to meet Instructor Troyard’s eyes in a long battle of staring. The minutes slipped away as they looked at each other, almost nose to nose, and he, back on his bench, squirmed restlessly. There was definitely an unknown war going on between the two but he hadn’t heard of it before. He had seen them eating together in the canteen, together with the other instructors, and never noticed anything of the sort. “And what was written on it this time?”
“Oh, now you suddenly care?” Troyard hissed; he straightened at the same moment as Instructor Kaizuka leaned back into his seat. Kaizuka’s black waistcoat which was dangling over the high back of the office chair had slid to the floor but no one payed it attention. Troyard folded his hands and looked for a second away - there was a bird fluttering outside the window. “Well, it’s the usual ‘Kaizuka Inaho is the best and Slaine Troyard is the worst’… So can you please deal with this… this immature… I don’t even know how to call it. They are here to study! Not to drool over your prefect self!”
His eyes went round like saucers. This was the first time he had ever seen Instructor Troyard getting emotional. Despite loathing him he knew Troyard was a strict but a calm, cold type of man. He shouted only if the situation demanded so and he spent a lot of time patiently drilling practical knowledge into the students. He’d be a perfect Instructor if only he didn’t stop people from flying without giving any proper reasons of why he’d made those decisions. Yet, whenever he talked to the guys from the forth courses and above, there was not a person who was not in love with Troyard. It brought bile to his mouth. What was there to respect about him aside from his past war achievements?
Just as he wondered the door slammed harshly against the doorframe, and Instructor Troyard was gone. He blinked, confused and stared at the exit together with Instructor Kaizuka in ringing silence. Did Troyard just leave without honestly telling Kaizuka what was written on the mirror? Because he was pretty sure he’d get a grand punishment, if not get expelled, for his bit of the nasty poetry. Of course he didn’t plan to be caught just as he had finished writing ‘Troyard’s the bitch, the frickin’ leech, and only Kaizuka is our hero’ on the wide restroom mirror. But fate had played against him and Troyard had walked right in when he was capping the marker.
“So… why was there an acute need to write your feelings on the mirror, cadet?” Instructor Kaizuka had finally turned to look at him, and he felt his deciphering gaze swallowing his trembling form. Talking to your childhood hero felt like jumping straight into the fire. He had seen Kaizuka during the lectures enough times but had never talked to him personally. And he wasn’t supposed to communicate with him until the exams on his fourth course and his diploma on the fifth if he chose his subject - which he certainly would.
Lots of people said Instructor Kaizuka was cold but he never seemed that way to him so he curled his fingers, holding onto the bench with all his might, breathed in air and spitted out all his thoughts in a rush of bravery, “Because what I wrote was right! You are the best pilot, Sir! You deserve all the attention Instructor Troyard gets. The way you led your kataphrakt in the final battle…! It was awesome! Anyone else would have died in your place! You managed to get through the enemy fleet and destroy the Versian castle! The whole battle castle!... And the only thing Instructor Troyard does is forbidding people to fly… It’s not fair!...”
The words he always wanted to say flowed from his mouth like an unstoppable mountain river until he could not talk anymore - simply didn’t have air to continue. He had said a lot of compliments to Kaizuka and ranted about Troyard but it was too late to take anything back. Kaizuka had stayed silent while he was spilling the truths and only looked at him, without any kind of judgement. But there was also no agreement or any indication that he was thankful for the compliments. He panted, waiting desperately for his reaction.
Instead Kaizuka only asked, “Did you see him fly?”
“W-what, Sir?”
“Did you see Slaine Troyard fly?” Kaizuka asked again, took his pen and started rolling it slowly in his fingers, his gaze now stuck on the silver lining the pen had.
“N-no, Sir. After enrolling I only go to the shows you take part in,” he answered. The nerves were getting the better of him, he was stuttering. The only relieve he had was that it looked like Kaizuka wasn’t going to get angry over his stunt. But it didn’t mean he’d get unscathed. The Academy was a strict place since they were trained to work in the military.
“Then how can you judge who is the better pilot? You should visit Troyard’s solo shows. After you do you’ll understand there is a reason why he is the Practical Flight Instructor, and I am the one who teaches the theory-”
“No!” he almost shouted, cutting Kaizuka’s speech short; his fisted hands landed over his knees. The need to move and prove to Kaizuka that he was the best person in the world was unbearable, he wanted to let his feelings out but he was not a teenager and he really should control himself. “You are the one thanks to whom we had won both wars! You are the only one who deserves all the praise!”
Kaizuka put his pen aside again and looked at him. This time his gaze felt heavy, and it made him shut up.
“You must realize where you stand right now, cadet. The Academy is UFE sponsored. It is the very center of the military knowledge; there are sources of information an ordinary person will never see or have hope to touch. I advise you to check Library section 3-55, the full records of the UFE Fleet during the Third Interplanetary. You might find it worthier than the time you spend… ah, how did Troyard put it… drooling over me?” Kaizuka made a pause, and he felt as if something cold crawled down his back. “As for your punishment I believe cleaning toilets for the next five months will install immense disgust to any thoughts of damaging the Academy property or its instructors’ self-esteem.”
Toilets, right. He gulped.
***
It could have been worse, he knew. But cleaning toilets was dirty work that was usually done by the special personnel and they have welcomed him sadistically-warmly and made him responsible for all the restrooms of the first floor. Not only were the first floor restrooms the ones used more often than others but he also had to stay in the Academy instead of enjoying his summer holidays. Kaizuka’s punishment wasn’t the worst the cadets ever received but it was harsh.
There were pluses though in staying at the Academy during the summer months. Few people were around; the canteen workers stuffed him with food and he had the whole Library to himself. It was where he was now, reading up the information Kaizuka had advised him to check and he shut the final book from the 3-55 section with a heavy feeling. He had found out the whole lot of details about war he never knew, and it stung. While it were indeed Kaizuka’s genius strategies that had brought the UFE many victories, in truth, there were also countless secret operations he had never even heard about. And most of them were carried out by Slaine Troyard. Even in the Final Battle he so admired Kaizuka being at the front line turned out to be the calculating move to distract the enemy while Troyard was destroying the aldnoah core of the castle.
He felt a bit of shame for his stunt now but it wasn’t enough to force an apology out of him. Sighing, he got up from his stool and walked up to the large open window - to rest his eyes from hours of reading and enjoy the view of the yard. It was dinner time but he didn’t hurry to eat: the soft wind was nice and the sun warmed his face. He put his elbows on the wide windowsill and stilled, dreams about swimming coming to mind.
“…what if someone will see?”
The sudden hissing startled him and he moved into the shadow of the curtain, his curiousness getting the better of him. Sometimes cadets sneaked into the yard to take a smoke because smoking was prohibited but he was pretty sure he was the only cadet in the Academy at the moment. Moreover the block where the Library was situated stood apart from the other Academy blocks and few people ventured there unless they needed materials to study. And who would need materials during the food break?
“No one will, Slaine, you saw the staff heading for the canteen. I need my daytime twenty minutes of us.”
There was a soft laugh, and, wrecking his neck, he ogled from the window as Instructor Kaizuka undid the upper buttons of Instructor Troyard’s uniform jacket and buried his nose somewhere under Troyard’s chin as if he desperately needed to inhale Troyard’s scent. The two stood under the canopy of the low trees, and he guessed it would be hard to spot them from any other place. The first floor library window, however, opened up a good view on the patch of yard they stood upon. He shuffled nervously and rolled himself into the curtains more. He couldn’t imagine his instructors’ reaction if he was spotted back. His thoughts raced feverishly as he tried to assess the unfolding scene.
“Seriously, Kaizuka, it’s been twenty years since we… and the wars are long over, and you perfectly know we’ll meet in our rooms come evening, and yet…” Slaine Troyard huffed but his hand wound itself into Kaizuka’s hair very gently and stayed there, caressing his dark gray strands, his other hand went up to pull Kaizuka close.
His throat suddenly dry, he watched as Instructor Kaizuka slid his hands under Troyard’s jacket and clasped them behind his back. The embrace looked tighter than a usual one would, like there was some old fear of separation involved. He could easily notice it because every single time he left for the Academy his mother had hugged him exactly like that. Like she had hugged his dad before he went to the war he never returned from.
He suppressed the urge to rub his eyes to make sure what he was seeing was real. Were the two really together… as in relationship? It wasn’t that he minded two men being together but the mere thought of Kaizuka Inaho, his hero, favoring Slaine Troyard like that was… scandalous.
“Evening always comes too slow,” Kaizuka replied. He looked very reluctant to pull back from Troyard but he did so a bit - so that he could stare him in the eyes. “And I felt you needed a break. Is there something wrong?”
For a moment Troyard looked unwilling to speak: he closed his eyes and leant his head against the trunk of the tree behind, his hands wandering up and down Kaizuka’s elbows absent-mindedly. Then, with a groan, he placed his head onto Kaizuka’s shoulder and relaxed his whole body, in sheer second somehow transforming into a person he had never known before. Troyard had always been an epitome of strength and cold implacability to him - a teacher, a leader, a war veteran. He had never thought of him as… simply human. He had never thought Troyard could be weak, depending - someone who needed to be supported and understood.
“The lists of new recruits came today,” Troyard lamented, pressing his forehead into the crook of Kaizuka’s neck. His voice sounded so strained it almost felt like he was in physical pain. “I just… I’m happy they consider the Academy worthy but… They’re so young; they have their whole life ahead; they can do so much but… why… why choose the military? There’s no war… There’s no need to…”
“Shhh,” Kaizuka’s voice suddenly dropped to the unfamiliar hushed undertones, and he shuddered as goosebumps ran all over his body from the wholly gentleness of it. “Please, Slaine, remember, they do have a choice. We - didn’t - but they - do. If it makes them happy we can only help along the way.”
As silence stretched and Troyard kept leaning onto Kaizuka’s body he forced himself to control his own breathing. Troyard’s genuine words still rang in his ears, resonating with something in his being, in his heart. Maybe because he knew what losing precious people meant and how excruciating and tearing it was and, like Troyard, he’d never wish it to anybody. But to find out Slaine Troyard was so considerate of them - of cadets - as if they were his responsibility was surprising. Maybe Troyard wasn’t that cold after all.
The birds chirped happily, hidden by the greenery, and the soft wind moved the sides of the curtain he anxiously clutched at. The way Troyard stood now he could see his bared neck, and the shirt he wore underneath the unbuttoned jacket had slid slightly down his shoulders. The edges of the angry old scars on Troyard’s nape were striking. He bit his lip, refusing to think about where and when Troyard could have got so hurt. Everything was just too much. He wasn’t even supposed to be here and see these sides of him. He needed to leave but he was also scared to move.
“You’re right; I know you are,” Troyard whispered after a long pause. He then sighed deeply and pressed his lips into Kaizuka’s neck. The lines around his half-closed eyes smoothed out, and suddenly he felt warmed up by the tender light that had birthed within Troyard’s look. The longing he never even knew he had stirred deep inside of him and made him confused; he didn’t quite realize the nature of it. Shame became overwhelming. The moment and the feelings Troyard held belonged solely to Kaizuka; he shouldn’t be here, watching the intimacy between the two. He felt like he was trying to steal something sacred. “I did need a break. Thank you, ‘Naho."
“Mmm, I like what you’re doing,” Kaizuka smiled, his posture more relaxed now too. “Maybe we can…”
“No way in hell I am doing it where someone can see us,” Troyard cut him pretty fast but kept hungrily placing small kisses all over his skin.
He feared the curtain in his palm was in danger of tearing. Holy shit, he really hoped the two wouldn’t try to do more than these kisses. He was quite sure that if he’d see Kaizuka’s naked form he’d never be able to forget it during the lectures.
“A pity since…” Kaizuka said, arching his neck more and then threw a look over Troyard’s shoulder, stared him directly in the eyes and said, “…there is no one there.”
The words hit him like a bullet. He jumped away from the window immediately, ducked low, almost hit the floor, his whole body coming aflame from embarrassment. He knew he shouldn’t have stared at something so personal - at the clear love the two shared - but he couldn’t help himself. He always wondered why Kaizuka Inaho was alone and now he understood he wasn’t really. He had been in a relationship with Slaine Troyard for years, and it must have survived the war. And no one ever knew. Or maybe someone did, and he was just a blind idiot.
In an instant he remembered all his stupid rants about Troyard which he had spilled in his talk with Instructor Kaizuka and felt even more shame. How did Kaizuka hold back from demanding to expel him from the Academy? Why wasn’t he mad at him for insulting his lover? And how the heck did he notice him in the Library window? He was very sure he was almost fully covered with curtains.
For a second he was terrified of the thought that what he had just seen was part of Kaizuka’s plan to get him to appreciate Troyard but he had discarded the thought quickly. It sounded too mad and, surely, Kaizuka would not need to stoop to such methods to get his point across.
He didn’t know how he’d act the next time he’d meet Instructor Kaizuka but he definitely knew one thing now. If he wanted Kaizuka Inaho to ever respect him he first needed to win Slaine Troyard’s respect. He could plainly see the two were joined at the hip: united by love, by war, by scars, by time, by their understanding of each other. They were two halves of one being, and he needed to treat them as such.
It did nothing to lift his heavy mood. How was he supposed to like Instructor Troyard if Instructor Troyard was the one who refused to acknowledge his love and passion for flying?
***
He went to Troyard’s show. It was his stubbornness that had led him there - even after what he had seen from the Library the desire to prove Kaizuka wrong refused to die. He sat on the outdoor bench in the large stadium together with the other cadets who chatted excitedly and pursed his lips. The day was bright and clear. He expected a lot from Troyard’s flying skills but surely they wouldn’t be on par with Kaizuka’s. The Academy app on his phone showed that today’s program included only a versian skycarrier and he grimaced. Vers was no more - or rather it was part of the Earth Union now - but any reminders about its former military power usually weren’t welcome. Trust Slaine Troyard to ignore the silent rule.
When the sky carrier appeared on the horizon and then flew over their heads the other cadets cried in awe. He watched as people jumped from their seats and started waving their hands and attributes like small children do and for a moment he felt taken aback. Why, for God’s sake, grown up people were reacting to Troyard like toddlers from a crazy fan club? Disgusted, he stayed still on his bench and only threw his head back to watch Troyard’s performance.
Five minutes later he realized it was a grand mistake because his eyes started hurting from not blinking. But he could not blink! He did not dare blink! He would not miss even a second of the miracle that took place high in the sky!
Troyard was magnificent. What he showed in his flight was way beyond simple technique or skill. No, he was the air itself, he was the wind, the sun, the freedom encompassing the sky. He was one with it: breathed with it, moved with it. He needed not to conquer it because it belonged to him already. Altitude and speed did not matter, rules did not matter - he was falling and soaring, falling and soaring, denying any physics and common sense. He was the art of flying, the love of it, the core of it - he was the miracle.
He was everything he dreamed to be one day.
When the performance ended he realized he was still sitting, looking at the blue line of horizon, and that tears were rolling down his face. They kept falling as he sat there wordlessly, mourning something unreachable and yet thankful it existed.
He was an idiot. He had found himself a role model and since then he had been deliberately blind to look around and show others proper respect. He had always looked up to Kaizuka - maybe because his dad had died during the Third War and there were no videos of his great deeds left and he had used his devotion to Kaizuka as a way to cope. But Kaizuka was his own man, and he wasn’t the only one who deserved to be respected.
There were hundreds of them, thousands, who had fought and gave their all - their lives - for him to live happily today. Like his dad, like both Kaizuka and Troyard, they were all heroes: named and nameless, remembered and forgotten, alive and dead.
And who was he and what did he do to decide who of them might be greater?
He had to grow up.
***
It was the usual parade before the flying practice. He stood in the row with the other cadets, hands folded behind his back, while Troyard walked past them, ever strict and silent, checking out their appearance and God-knew-what. There were kataphrakts waiting at the edge of the training field but today he didn’t feel sad he wasn’t allowed to use one or even impatient to get into one. He would trust Instructor Troyard’s judgement because he had to accept Slaine Troyard had much more experience and knowledge than he ever would have. He had to respect that.
“I like the look in your eyes today, cadet,” Troyard suddenly said, stopping in front of him. He straightened his back, saluted, thankful of Troyard’s unexpected attention. He had all the reasons to detest him but here he was - talking to him with no malice or spite. Instructor Troyard paused, looking indecisive for a second, but then a sly smile touched his lips and he asked, “Want to try flying?”
He breathed in air, feeling as excitement and anticipation flooded his body with warmth, and felt his eyes prickling as he almost shouted in pure delight, “Yes, Sir! Thank you, Sir!”
Maybe, having something unreachable right in front of his eyes never meant he couldn’t try for it. Maybe, in the course of reaching for it, there waited another treasure for him to discover.
Only future would tell - but he had all of it to enjoy.