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The clock on the bathroom wall ticked repeatedly by Kiyoomi's ears, painfully reminding him of just how long he was spending staring hatefully at himself in the mirror. Sometimes, he wished that the mirror was cracked so that it could reflect his image in a different way, not one that showed his whole face for its' true horridness.
He gained weight over the past few months of quarantine. Staying home for so long did not help his already helpless case in maintaining a healthy body weight.
His upper arms were slightly flabby and his hands looked thicker, fingers seemed fatter. The usual muscles on his back were practically gone, replaced with unwanted fat. If he stretched backwards, rolls would appear there. And in the same way, if he leaned forward to reach his toes, the fat on his stomach would push past his sweatpants. His thighs were a lot thicker and so was his ass, but not in a beautiful or sexy way- rather, in the disgustingly revolting way.
Kiyoomi felt as though he was spilling out of his suddenly tight clothes.
His once, beautifully structured face was now bloated. His pink cheeks were a little chubby and his face looked disproportionate. His jaw was softer and Kiyoomi was bordering on gaining fat beneath his chin. He grew his black hair out merely to hide it from the people who surrounded his life, especially his boyfriend, Atsumu.
"Ya look so cute, Omi," Atsumu would tell him with a stupid smile on his face, looking at Kiyoomi like he fell in love with him all over again.
Kiyoomi did not look cute. In fact, it was the absolute opposite. He knew his boyfriend of seven years was only lying to him to make him feel better about his appearance. As much as Kiyoomi appreciated it, he couldn't help but feel annoyed that Atsumu was still as beautiful and fit as ever. While he, on the other hand, lost any touch of beauty that was ever tied to him.
It was almost humorous that quarantine was supposed to be a time for everyone to have a glow-up and to work on themselves and their bodies. Most people used it as an opportunity to lose weight and look better.
But Kiyoomi wasted his quarantine getting caught in a loop of depression- a loop that he had been stuck in ever since his second year in university. His depression was only bad on some days. Others, it felt like nothing was wrong with him. Quarantine was when everything came crashing down on him for literally no reason. There was nothing majorly stress-worthy going on in his life, yet this was when he fell into a depressive state.
During most of the months, Kiyoomi spent his time laying in bed for days straight and having no motivation. He couldn't even get up to brush his teeth or go take a shower. It was all so gross, but he couldn't do anything about it. It was too much, too distressing. Atsumu would have to gently coax him into taking care of himself.
His anti-depressants were a minor cause for his weight gain, considering that it was one of the side effects of the pills. They helped, of course, but it was taxing to keep taking them every day, especially knowing that they were making him thicker.
He was also eating quite a bit, which was more of Atsumu's fault because the man wouldn't let Kiyoomi skip a single meal. He kept feeding him, heart heavy with concern for his younger boyfriend.
Kiyoomi wanted to tell him to stop, to scream at him and argue that he was gaining too much weight to even have the right to call himself the gorgeous Atsumu's boyfriend. But he couldn't.
"Fuck," Kiyoomi cursed in exasperation, heading out of the bathroom and into the living room, where Atsumu would usually be watching volleyball on the T.V, but the blond man was out grocery shopping.
They were still very much into quarantine since the virus didn't completely go away yet and it was quite dangerous to be out and about right now.
Flipping the flat screen T.V on with a flick of the remote, Kiyoomi leaned back into the couch and wrapped his arms around his knees that were pulled into his chest. He was wearing one of Atsumu's hoodies, the oversized one that made Kiyoomi happy every time he put it on because it was still large on him despite the weight gain.
It was evening, around six pm, and Kiyoomi had just taken his pills so he was feeling heavy fatigue. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep, but he also wanted to stay awake for when his boyfriend returned, which would be soon. A small part of him only wanted to stay awake because he didn't like the way he looked when he was sleeping- at least, not anymore. He looked fat, ugly.
Forty minutes later and the front door was opening, in stepping a grinning Atsumu. The tall and buff man was holding bags of groceries, filled with foods that made Kiyoomi want to throw up just by looking at them.
Gross.
Kiyoomi flinched at the voice in his head- one that sounded exactly like him. Sometimes, Kiyoomi would dream about his days in high school when he was on the volleyball team, all perfect and fit. His meal plan was ideal and he was able to actually go through with it. Back then, he had a fast metabolism and even if he didn't, his routinely workouts burned the fat for him.
Now though, he couldn't even touch a single weight or look at Atsumu when he was working out in their bedroom. He couldn't look at the scale without fearing that he already passed the mark that would claim him as overweight for his age of twenty seven.
Disgusting.
"Hey, baby," Atsumu smiled, pressing a quick kiss to Kiyoomi's lips before heading into their bedroom to change out of his clothes and thoroughly wash his hands. Kiyoomi watched as he tossed his mask in the bin.
Sighing quietly, Kiyoomi turned his head away from the kitchen where all the new food lay, and pressed his face into his thighs. He wanted to hide away from the whole world, wanted to make Atsumu admit that Kiyoomi was indeed ugly.
It was baffling to Kiyoomi how Atsumu could stand to look at him every day and night. He even kisses him! How was that possible? Did Atsumu never get the urge to throw up after looking at him, the same way Kiyoomi felt like gagging when he looked in the mirror?
"You look so adorable in my clothes," Atsumu suddenly groaned from behind Kiyoomi, making him jump in surprise. He was so preoccupied with his thoughts that he didn't even feel Atsumu creep up to him. Pulling his knees down, he looked over at the man.
"How was shopping?" Kiyoomi asked him, ignoring the praise Atsumu gave him and the lustful look in his boyfriend's eyes. He was blushing, no doubt. He couldn't help it, not when his boyfriend was the hottest person to exist.
Atsumu hopped onto the couch, laying down as he snuggled his head into Kiyoomi's lap and pressed his face into his stomach. Kiyoomi subconsciously sucked in his tummy. "Good. Kind of annoyin' 'cause you have to wait in a line to even get into the damn store. Lotta masks. Six-feet distance shit. Not much changed since the beginnin' of quarantine," Atsumu mumbled, speech slightly muffled.
Kiyoomi nodded in understanding. He couldn't wait for the virus to go away and for everything to return back to normal.
"What have you been doin'?" Atsumu asked him.
Kiyoomi shifted a little. He didn't want to say he was doing nothing, even though he was, because it made him seem lazy. He let out a hum, hoping Atsumu would understand that he didn't feel up to talking.
Said man glanced up at him from his spot on Kiyoomi's lap. His brows furrowed in concern, but also slight amusement- from what, Kiyoomi wasn't sure.
"You're so pretty, baby," Atsumu whispered, smiling stupidly.
Kiyoomi felt his heart batter in his chest and his throat closed up. Tears sprung in his eyes as he quickly turned away from Atsumu, pressing his lips together. He was the farthest thing from pretty and his boyfriend should know that the most.
Kiyoomi was just so... ugly...
He didn't deserve someone as stunning as Atsumu.
"Hey, hey. What's wrong, Omi?" Atsumu hurriedly asked, sitting up with worry in his tone.
Kiyoomi shook his head, roughly wiping his tears away. "...'s nothing. Sorry."
"Well, it has to be somethin'. What's goin' on? Do you wanna talk about it? You know, I'm always here for you," Atsumu told him gently, pushing Kiyoomi's hair back. "Is it a bad day?"
Kiyoomi shrugged, sniffling as he pulled at the sleeves of his hoodie, trying to curl into himself and hide. He wrapped his arms around his stomach and turned his body away from Atsumu.
Atsumu stayed quiet, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around Kiyoomi's middle from behind. This action only made Kiyoomi even more insecure, feeling like- no, knowing- that Atsumu could feel his stomach fat while hugging him.
He squirmed in his boyfriend's hold, tugging at the man's arms. Making sounds of discomfort, he tried to squeeze out of the embrace. "'Tsumu, stop," he whimpered, letting his tears fall by accident.
Atsumu let go of him, but then made him face his way. He cradled Kiyoomi's face in his large hands, scanning his eyes over his gorgeous boyfriend. Kiyoomi's flushed cheeks were wet with tears and his long, pretty lashes were holding drops as he glanced up at Atsumu. His pink lips were pouting angrily, but Atsumu obviously found it adorable and so he kissed them.
It was a soft kiss that was meant to be only a peck but led to the two of them just pressing their lips against each other and breathing in comfort. Kiyoomi was stiff for a few seconds before relaxing and deepening the kiss. Slowly and hesitantly, he unwrapped his arms from around himself and hooked them around Atsumu's neck.
While they kissed, Atsumu ran the pad of his thumb over Kiyoomi's high cheekbones. They pulled away only slightly before immediately leaning back in. No tongues were involved and it wasn't a messy make-out session. It was purely soft, passionate, and affectionate kissing- Kiyoomi's favourite, which Atsumu knew.
Atsumu delicately sucked on Kiyoomi's bottom lip, pulling it gently with his teeth and revelling in the adorable whine his boyfriend let escape.
Atsumu, as the cheeky man he was, dropped one of his hands from Kiyoomi's face and trailed it down his slender body. It travelled to the hems of Kiyoomi's hoodie, slowly slipping under the clothes. Atsumu sprawled his large hand across Kiyoomi's plump stomach.
Kiyoomi immediately pulled away from Atsumu and let out a broken sob, yanking the wandering hand away and curling into himself again. Startled, Atsumu's eyes widened.
"Omi? W-Was I going too fast?" he cautiously asked, not sure if he should touch Kiyoomi again. Of course, Atsumu had seen Kiyoomi's breakdowns before, what with his depression and the harsh episodes. But he was shocked at why Kiyoomi just suddenly burst out crying. "I'm sorry, baby..."
"It's not you!" Kiyoomi cried, hiding his face.
Atsumu crouched down on the floor in front of Kiyoomi, who was seated on the couch. He gently pulled his hands away from his face, knowing that Kiyoomi tended to scratch himself when he was feeling down.
"What is it then, sweetheart?" he whispered, wanting nothing more than to take away Kiyoomi's pain.
"I just- I'm..," Kiyoomi stumbled for the right words, letting out a groan of frustration. "I don't know how you can look at me when I'm so..."
Atsumu frowned, rubbing circles on the back of his boyfriend's soft hands. "So what?"
"Ugly."
Kiyoomi sobbed, shaking his head. Tears were streaming down his face, glistening. "And... like- I'm just not... pretty enough for you, 'Tsumu. I'm not- I'm not... skinny... anymore, and it's like- why do you still wanna be with me..?"
To say Atsumu was shocked was an understatement. Sure, he knew about Kiyoomi's many insecurities and each made him want to kiss his boyfriend so hard that he forgot about every single one of them. But this? He didn't know that Kiyoomi was thinking about himself like this. He didn't realize that Kiyoomi thought he wasn't good enough for Atsumu anymore.
It broke his heart.
Atsumu placed his hands on Kiyoomi's cheeks again, pulling his face towards him. He tried not to frown at the sobs racking off of his boyfriend's body and the tremors breaking out on his skin. Leaning forward, he rested his forehead against the other's.
"Kiyoomi," he whispered just for the two of them to hear. "You're so beautiful."
He pressed kiss after kiss on Kiyoomi's forehead when the man started sobbing even harder, shaking his head and mumbling out words of disagreement.
"Everything about you is gorgeous. I'm sorry you feel that way about yourself, baby, and I know it can't be helped sometimes, but I'm always here to listen to you. If you need to rant about your insecurities or just cry for a while, come to me. I'm your boyfriend, aren't I? Soon-to-be-husband. I want to hear about your problems and work through them with you. We are one, Kiyoomi. No matter what."
This made Kiyoomi wail, not surprising to Atsumu. Kiyoomi often got overwhelmed when people showed their love for him. Growing up in a household where his parents were always working, he was usually neglected. Whenever Atsumu told him he loved him, Kiyoomi would get emotional.
"'Tsumu," he sobbed against his boyfriend- fiancé. "I know that, I know that, 'Tsumu! But-But I'm just so... fat! I'm not- I can't- I'm just not even pretty anymore! I-I don't see it."
Atsumu was seriously confused. Who cared if Kiyoomi put on a little bit of weight? He was still as stunning and sexy as ever. If anything, his chubbiness was so fucking adorable to Atsumu. He loved the way hugging Kiyoomi felt, how calming it was to lay his hands on his bare stomach to feel his plumpness after a rather stressful day of working at home.
Not to mention, it felt fucking great whenever Atsumu fucked Kiyoomi. He could grip the extra fat in Kiyoomi's hips with his beefy hands and kneed the soft skin, all while pounding into the screaming man. Whenever they got really into it, Atsumu loved to spank Kiyoomi's ass and see his cheeks jiggle.
It was all very appealing.
But either way, Atsumu didn't care about how Kiyoomi looked.
"I fell in love with you, Kiyoomi, for being you," he announced, finishing his thoughts. "The way your eyes light up whenever you tell me a totally unbelievable story, how you push your hair behind your right ear when you overthink about the smallest things, how you bashfully tell me you love me. I love how you bite your lip and sit on your hands whenever you get extremely excited, trying to hide a smile but I always see it. If I'm travelling with the team and I get a phone call from you, being greeted by the cutest 'Atsu!', I feel like I'm the luckiest man in the world."
Atsumu had tears in his eyes as he spoke. It felt like a marriage proposal, but it wasn't. Though he should do that soon.
Kiyoomi wasn't doing any better. He was smiling now, grinning with his teeth as he bit his bottom lip, exactly like Atsumu said. Tears were still falling, but they were happier now. He couldn't believe that Atsumu actually noticed all these little things. It made his heart swell with fondness, love, and mostly, appreciation.
"I know it's been hard these past couple of years, baby, and I wish I could take all of your pain away. But we're working towards happier days, aren't we, Kiyoomi? I understand that those anti-depressants are a bitch to take and I know you aren't satisfied with your body image, but I'll be there every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to bed, to tell you how beautiful you are," Atsumu smiled, so gently that Kiyoomi felt overwhelmed with emotions.
He continued, "Yeah, sure, you gained some weight, but that doesn't matter to me. Hell, baby, I didn't even notice until you specifically pointed it out to me and even then, I had to rub my eyes to see clearly. Your body is beautiful. Don't you ever be embarrassed about it, especially not in front of me because I can spend hours just worshipping you from head to toe."
Atsumu kissed Kiyoomi's forehead. "I'm not mad at you for being insecure. It's a completely normal feeling. But talk to me when you do feel that way, okay? You're not alone anymore and I love you so fucking much, Kiyoomi."
Kiyoomi's heart was beating so fast, he was sure that it was bound to explode. He needed to hear this so fucking badly. In a sense, Kiyoomi was just yearning to be appreciated. And Atsumu was his number one supporter.
Without thinking, he jumped onto Atsumu and tackled him to the ground, wrapping his arms around the love of his life. He was crying again, god, he was so emotional, but he was just so happy that he couldn't help it. All the nasty voices in his head were silent because they knew they couldn't talk back to anything Atsumu said. Atsumu never lied to him.
It was the truth.
Whether he gained weight or not, looked undesirable or not.
Atsumu simply loved Kiyoomi with his whole heart.
"I love you, Atsu," Kiyoomi sniffled, hiccupping.
"I love you, Omi," Atsumu replied, smiling tenderly as he wiped away Kiyoomi's tears.
Not a single lie in sight.
Sure, Kiyoomi would always be insecure about his body, or at least, for a while. But that didn't mean he wouldn't work towards gaining his self confidence back and realizing his self worth. One day, he would be able to look at himself in the mirror and compliment his body, whether he was still the same weight or not.
That didn't mean today, but definitely in the future.
And Atsumu would be by his side the whole time.