Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1. 

"Hiiragi Shinoa," the girl starts, "my name is Sanguu Mitsuba and we've been assigned as partners," something that she does not like at all, considering her resentful expression, "so let's get along... or whatever."

Shinoa smiles at her, asking  with as much energy as she could muster, "Can I call you Micchan?"

Mitsu blinks and Shinoa steamrolls over any response that was probably building in her throat, "Yes? Yes! Come on Micchan, let's go bother the nice officer for the hardest mission he can give! It'll be fun and," Shinoa leans in and whispers into Mitsu's ear, "I definitely won't let you die, so don't worry!"

"...huh?" Mitsu asks eloquently, Shinoa drags her along by the wrist and that is when she starts spouting off actual words, "eh? Wait, wait, you--"

"Yes, yes of course," Shinoa winks at Mitsu and waves the officer over.

The two of them were the youngest and two of the few girls in the military training camp. It can be reasonably assumed that they were either both abnormal or come from powerful backgrounds, of which both are true for the both of them. Shinoa doesn't feel any remorse over it, predictably, but the grimace on Mitsu's face when the officer in charge of giving out assignments and such is a hard tell for her feelings on the subject.

Really, did no one teach her to mask emotions more? Well, it really didn't matter as much to Mitsu as it probably did Shinoa, but still. Something like masking emotions is an essential life skill isn't it?

In the end, they get to be part of night patrol. 

Which isn't exciting at all. The most exciting thing would probably just be the two of them happening to catch some of their fellow soldiers-in-training going into the woods and sleeping with each other. Why they can't just do it in their own tents, Shinoa has no idea.

"Psst," Shinoa whispers loudly, "Micchan, hey, Micchan!"

"Shut up!" Mitsu whispers back just as loudly, "You're being too loud, Hiiragi! Everyone will wake up at this rate!"

"But I'm bored..." Shinoa elongates the last word as much as she can and watches Mitsu turn a bright red color, not stopping even though she recognizes the actual anger in her partner's eyes because she's committed to the act at this point, "and you won't call me Shi-chan! Or even Shinoa! We're partners now aren't we?"

And Mitsu, as expected, explodes at her. Shinoa can register, beyond the loud whispers that bordered on a normal speaking voice, the fear fueling it. Though she can understand it, anger rises and threatens to overwhelm her because she's eight and the catastrophe happened a year ago and the Hiiragi's stupid, stupid political drama took her sister away from her in a stunning show of showing off the idiots they are and--

And Shinoa? Shinoa can't stand being called Hiiragi.

It is ridiculously hypocritical of Shinoa to judge Mitsu over not controlling her expressions when she can't control her own emotions fully. Mitsu is, in the few hours that Shinoa has known her, at least honest and really what does it say about Shinoa that she would wish for such a good quality in someone be destroyed? 

Unfair. It's so unfair. Mitsu can be proud of her family name and be honest with her feelings at the same time while Shinoa can't because of the demon and the Hiiragi family is a pile of shit and everyone knows it and--

Shinoa is so, so jealous. But she can't be jealous. But she is and that's bad because the demon is always there, waiting for her to lower her defenses and Mahiru would be so disappointed in her. Which. Is also a wrong statement because her sister couldn't give an actual flying fuck about Shinoa. 

"-y," Mitsu is awkwardly patting her shoulder, "hey, uh. Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"Ah, no," Shinoa laughs and it isn't as strained as she thought it would be, Mitsu cuts her off before she can scramble together a coherent sounding sentence, "You're crying."

Shinoa blinks, then reaches up to touch her face because her? Crying? It's impossible. Yet, her cheeks are wet and tears are leaking out of her eyes. She laughs again, more incredulous because the demon isn't taking control of her right now, in fact, Shinoa can't even feel the demon. Mitsu must have taken the laughter as something else because her eyes are full of pity and something else and she reaches out and hugs Shinoa.

And it feels so warm. 

Mahiru never hugged her. None of the scientists or researchers did either. Shinoa knew the theory and physics and the social implications of a hug but at that moment, with the two of them outside in the cold night air, it felt warm and all-encompassing. She'd always thought that human touch would remind her of years strapped onto a cold metal table and needles, but Mitsu's didn't.

It felt nice. Shinoa wanted more. Mitsu shifts, clears her throat and lets go and Shinoa wants to tie her up and demand more of whatever she did to make her like this in a mere several seconds, but she can't. Because she's probably testing her limits right now and the demon will probably take over if she does demand more. 

Mitsu says, quietly, "I'll call you Shinoa, so stop crying."

Shinoa laughs and it's too wet to sound genuine, "That's not... well, whatever! As long as you don't call me Hiiragi, anything is fine."

A complicated look emerges on Mitsu's face, she asks, "So you really aren't in on it, huh?"

"In on what, if I may ask?"

"That's, uh... my last name's Sanguu, remember? And your last name's Hiiragi, we're both girls and the same age," Mitsu snorts, "though that doesn't really mean anything anymore. The only survivors of the Sanguu clan are me and my sister and I haven't seen her for a year."

"Wait," Shinoa realizes a little belatedly, "you're Aoi-san's sister?"

Speaking of, the fact that the both of them are in the same training camp are assigned partners really is a big enough coincidence that it can't be a coincidence, huh? Mitsu's probably right. Shinoa simply had not given it any thought because if she did, it will eventually link back to the Hiiragi-s and she wants so badly to simply not have to think about them at all. But if she acknowledges her and Mitsu's meeting as staged...

Shinoa thinks of the hug and how warm it is. If she acknowledges the two of them meeting as staged by the Hiiragi, then that memory will be utterly soiled.

So, "no. The two of us meeting is definitely the work of destiny!"

Mitsu splutters and turns a bright red. Shinoa decides to be tactful and not tease her for it would likely lower the chances of her getting another hug. Perhaps if she faked crying? No, Mitsu would likely be angry enough to avoid her if she ever found out. What to do, what to do...

It's on their second day, on a mock patrol of sorts, does Mitsu ask, "So, why do you hate the Hiiragi?

"Why do I hate the Hiiragi?" Shinoa tilts her head and smiles and it doesn't feel as fake as it should be, "What gave you the impression that I hate my own family, Micchan?"

"I-it's obvious!" Mitsu splutters, cheeks turning red, "You didn't want me calling you that so much you cried!"

"I cried?" 

"Don't play stupid on me!" 

Shinoa laughs. Mitsu swats at her, not truly intending any harm though she is irritated. She expects the other is more amused than anything, but doesn't say anything. After all, if Shinoa wanted Mitsu to give her more of that warmth she craved so much, then it would be imperative to not let Mitsu get truly angry or upset with her. It's common sense, she thinks. 

She doesn't quite manage to get another hug the second day. Or the third. Or fourth... 

A month since they were assigned as partners, Shinoa finally cracks and decides to ask straightforwardly. The two of them are on break after having encountered a small horde of horsemen and sitting on crumbled steps while listening to a bunch of higher-ups arguing about moving the camp because it seems the vampires were slowly taking over this area or other. Mitsu cracks open a can of beans--a treat they had gotten for 'being brave little girls'--and opens a package of dry crackers. Shinoa opens her own package and enjoys having some flavor and moisture on the crackers. Though it didn't taste that good, it still is an improvement than the usual rations. 

Mitsu grimaces at the weird texture of both food items together, but continues chewing. Shinoa grins happily at her. Although she couldn't tell the difference in flavors or textures between the rations she got here and the laboratory, the ones here taste way better. Some of the other recruits greet them soundlessly. 

Shinoa couldn't care less about them, but nods back anyways. 

It is always good to build an amiable reputation, especially with the fact that she's a young girl who will be underestimated. It's almost like everyone simply forgets the fact that she's the Hiiragi Mahiru's little sister when she acts cutely.

"Micchan," Shinoa mutters more to herself, Mitsu turns and gives her a questioning look. Shinoa just says again, "Micchan," feeling the word more than anything. She smiles then, and realizes they've--her smiles--gotten more real than they should be. This is bad. Shinoa loves it. She wants more. "Micchan, hey, Micchan!"

"I heard you the first time," Mitsu drily says, having swallowed a too big piece probably, "what is it, Shinoa?"

"This is bad," Shinoa giggles a little too hysterically, "this is really bad."

And then she realizes she said that out loud and can't help laughing more. This is really bad. Shinoa should have stopped when she had the chance, but she didn't and now she's failing Mahiru and the world at the same time by letting her desires grow. But... but if this is what Mahiru felt with Ichinose Guren, then why can't Shinoa feel this with Mitsu? That would be too unfair, wouldn't it? The two of them are sisters and Guren didn't kill Mahiru, the Hiiragi clan did. But that's also a lie.

Mitsu looks worried, a pinched look that shouldn't send so much warmth to Shinoa as it did. The sun is hanging overhead and seems to make Mitsu glow gold. She looks like a young angel. 

"I'm fine, Micchan," Shinoa sincerely hopes that the wetness on her cheeks aren't tears but sweat, "but can I get a hug anyways?"

Shinoa can practically see the suspicion in Mitsu's mind, but when she moves to hug her anyways, she realizes.

She wants everything Mitsu has to give. Everything and more, more and more than she can give.

Shinoa realizes, at that moment, that she hates Mitsu for giving her this warmth and inviting her desire to grow and give the demon more power than it should have. She hates Mitsu for showing her better. But those are lies too.

She loves Mitsu for ever giving her that experience. 

Words swirl and swirls in her head, trying to construct the perfect sentence to convey what she thinks, but the only thing that comes out of Shinoa's mouth is, "Don't leave me."

(Mitsu doesn't answer, will probably never answer, but she never quite leaves Shinoa as alone as she should be.)

Chapter Text

2.

"Hey, Shinoa," Yoichi gives her a soft smile and climbs onto the roof to sit next to her and Shinoa smiles back, only a little exasperated. It's been a long day, after all. That and there is something unspeakably fragile in Yoichi's expression, something she can't quite place. Still, she asks, because she is a responsible squad leader, "Why are you still awake so late after curfew?"

"Ah, well," he ducks his head and blushes with something like embarrassment, only the slight hesitation cluing into something more, "I wanted to see if you're OK. Especially with what happened earlier..."

Right, that. Yuu turning into a monster and proving the now-vampire Mika right--Mika who everyone could see was only focused on one thing and that was Yuu's safety--when he said that he needed to get Yuu away from humans. Although, after seeing whatever that was earlier, she would allow him to take Yuu away on the condition that the entire squad also goes. it's just as the Lieutenant Colonel had said, the squad is now family.

Family takes care of each other. At least, that's what she thinks it should be like.

But Yoichi is waiting for an answer. "Yes, I am quite alright."

He hesitates again, more visible now that he'd gotten an answer to one thing plaguing his mind. Shinoa should be polite and ask him if he's alright, but she doesn't know if she'll be able to... comfort Yoichi. Because Yoichi is the one who comforts, Yuu is the morale raiser and Shinoa is their leader. 

As always, she's useless. Whether in the labs as someone who only had to follow orders or outside with people who will follow her orders, Shinoa's... useless.

"How long do you think Yuu-san's going to be unconscious...?" Yoichi asks, looking at the sky.

"Who knows," Shinoa shrugs, "maybe he never will! Or maybe he'll wake up from a true love's kiss, like in the fairytales? Do you want to be Yuu-san's Prince Charming, Yoichi-san?"

"Th-that's not...!" Yoichi splutters and blushes, then hides his face in his hands. Shinoa snickers meanly. It really is fun to tease someone, especially when their reactions are as cute as Yoichi's. He moans, "Shinoa-san's so mean!" Then glares at her, although it is noticeably lacking any heat, "and kisses are something for both parties to consent to! What if they were saving their first kiss for someone else?"

She scoffs, unable to help it. Saving something for their special someone, at this day and age? One might as well say they would singlehandedly return the world to normal! Yoichi knows that too, but still said that. Shinoa knows that there is a certain darkness to him, but she is very sure he isn't acting at the moment.

Well, as long as he feels better now, it's fine. She'll concede on this point.

Although it makes her recall a moment with Yuu, talking about how humans can't afford to be picky now and should hurry up and procreate. Sex doesn't necessarily have to include kissing. Sex isn't even something to be gawked at anymore. Yoichi probably means something like that. 

But truly, "I never knew you were such a romantic, Yoichi-san!"

Yoichi falters. 

Ah, the darkness is catching up again. Shinoa asks, because she is a good squad leader and will at least listen to her squad's worries and nothing more, "What's really on your mind, Yoichi-san?"

Silence. Yoichi hugs his knees closer to his chest, then states more than anything, "Nothing really escapes Shinoa-san, does it?"

Shinoa doesn't offer anything to that. She wants to say it's true, because of course the great Shinoa will never let anything escape her, but it isn't. Not when the reason Mitsu'd avoided her before being assigned to her squad escaped her. Not when Guren escaped her interrogation. She can bet with certainty that Mahiru would never have let them escape, because Mahiru is perfect even in that way.

"It's just..." Yoichi starts and it's almost visible the way words fail him, "my sister used to... she loved the idea of romance. I think, she probably liked the idea of being in love with a prince charming more than she would actually liking someone. But the more time passes, the more I forget about her. I-I don't even remember whether she liked cheese and hated chocolate or the other way around!" He starts uncoiling and gesturing with his hands, "And every time I think about... about that time, everything gets blurrier and sometimes the floor will be tile, other times it would be wood and sometimes she would be wearing her hair differently."

"Not only that," he gulps, then hides his face behind his hands as if it would erase the fact that Shinoa noticed his eyes slowly tearing up, "I... when I, when the demon showed me that memory as it is, for a moment, I didn't even recognize her! What kind of horrible brother am I? I keep saying I'll avenge her, but in truth... I can't even remember her correctly."

And she wants to tell him so many things. It's almost like that time, years ago with Mitsu, but Shinoa bites out instead, "I also have a dead sister."

Startled, Yoichi looks up at her, not quite managing to wipe off all the traces of his tears. It's also a startling realization for Shinoa, the fact that she didn't want to see Yoichi cry of sadness. So she continues, because at least this will keep him distracted, "Her name was Mahiru." 

Shinoa pauses, calming herself before she stutters in front of a squad member. "She was pretty and tall. But she was killed by a human, not a vampire. In fact, we all know that human very, very well!"

Yoichi listens, that fragile something back in his expression. 

"I've moved on from it, I think," Shinoa says, unsure whether that is a lie or not, "and I don't remember much about her either."

"Shinoa-san?" Yoichi questions and Shinoa knows how that must seem. But it's true. She doesn't remember much of Mahiru, not of why she was so in love with Guren or her favorite color. And that. It's understandable, Shinoa reasons with herself, because Shinoa was born mostly human and still is mostly human and humans don't have perfect memories. Nevertheless, it still feels like betrayal.

"We..." Shinoa doesn't pause so much as click together the rest of the sentence in her head, "we are still mostly human, Yoichi-san. Humans don't have perfect memories. And we were both seven when the apocalypse happened."

He shifts, moves to sit next to her, and softly bumps shoulders with her. Yoichi tells her quietly, "It feels like being a traitor."

She looks at him, at the sincere smile on his exhausted face and something stirs again. The implications of that are bad. Shinoa's already indulged too much with Mitsu, anymore and the demon might just swallow her up. She replies, not wanting the talk to end, "I know."

A pause, "Aren't you curious as to who killed my sister?"

"It would be a lie to say I'm not," Yoichi chuckles nervously, "but it would be insensitive of me to ask when it's clear Shinoa-san doesn't like talking about it."

"And here Yoichi-san is, saying that nothing ever gets past me," Shinoa wants. The demon isn't even reacting to it and it didn't react with Mitsu either, maybe the demon doesn't like this type of desire? Or maybe there was still a higher limit to her desire and it wanted to strike at that moment? In any case, humanity is screwed without Mahiru anyway, why not indulge a little bit more before she dies?

"...but you're right," she looks at the sky, recognizing no patterns in the stars, "I don't like thinking about it."

Yoichi doesn't stop staring at Shinoa, she can feel it's weight. But it doesn't fill her with the same brave-energy-passion as Yuu's stare, or the same wanted-exasperated-fond as Micchan's. If there were words for it, she thinks it would be something like comfort-reassurance-liked. She asks, honestly curious, "When I stare at you, how do you feel?"

Her squad member makes a questioning noise. Shinoa doesn't look at him, refusing to tell him not to mind what she said but also expecting him not to have an answer. From her peripheral vision, she can see Yoichi making an aborted movement. 

Then, "well, it probably makes no sense, but I think it feels safe."

Because of course he couldn't leave her to stew in it and eventually decide it is--she is--not worth thinking about during a time like this. Because of course Yoichi, as Shinoa turns to look, seems to understand even a little bit. And of course the world would push three  two people who can steal what is left of her humanity into her squad. Shinoa blinks, slowly, then asks says with a bright smile, "I don't know why ever you would feel that, Yoichi-san!"

And he answers, babbling and with a growing blush, "well, Shinoa-san is our squad leader! And you know what is best for our well-beings, even though it may be morally dubious and Yuu-san is kind of an idiot because he doesn't see subtleties at all. I know we can be really stubborn and..."

Shinoa is listening, storing the words to be pored over at a later time, she's just... more aware of the blush on Yoichi that goes further down his clothes and the nervous but happy expression he has. Of the way moonlight spills over his form like sunlight did Micchan's that day and a niggling in the back of her head.

She doesn't sleep that night, distracted by the realization that she loves one Saotome Yoichi and all his soothing presence is to everyone around him.