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When Bertholdt had first come to, he was taken aback by the breathtaking sight of stars glittering above him in an endless sky. It was warm, and he was content to just lay in the soft sand. A soft aurora was glowing in the sky, and Bertholdt found himself reaching out towards it. He closed his eyes and exhaled heavily, then turned so he was more comfortable on his side.
But then memories of the disaster in Shinganshina came back and he quickly sat up and looked around in a panic. He was in Shinganshina! He and Reiner had been atop the wall, he'd been fighting with Zeke, Pieck and Reiner against his former comrades; comrades that deep down in his heart of hearts, Bertholdt still cared for. That's why he'd wanted to kill them quickly, without pain. Ideally they wouldn't have even known. There was no better way for one's life to end.
A pit formed in his stomach and Bertholdt collapsed in on himself when he remembered being grabbed by a titan... the monster's hot breath against his hair and then the feeling of his skull cracking against its teeth. Begging for mercy from his former friends got him vacant stares from a couple, horrified looks from others.
Quick inspection of his body yielded a put-together body. His sweater, his pants, his shoes... this wasn't what he'd been wearing whenever the showdown in Shinganshina happened. This was his casual attire; what he felt most comfortable in. Whenever he was grabbed by that titan he didn't have arms or legs, but it was apparent that his arms and legs were just fine in this strange place. Bertholdt even hurriedly went over his body and confirmed that yes, everything was still there.
"Where am I...?" Bertholdt mumbled to himself. It was difficult to get his footing; the sand was so soft that it was almost hard to walk on. As he looked around, it became apparent that the aurora overhead stretched out towards a column of light. Bertholdt swallowed; aurora borealis. He'd heard about it. Seen pictures of it before. Liberio was nowhere close to the part of the world where the lights were visible. Hell, it hardly ever even snowed in Marley. When he'd spent his training years with the cadets in the snowy northern district, he and Reiner wanted to see the lights. But nobody in the wall had ever even heard of them, so it made sense to assume he'd never see them.
With no other things around and with nobody around to talk to, Bertholdt walked. The memories of the battle in Shinganshina were fresh in his mind. He and Reiner had talked atop the wall; Reiner had told him that in the past he'd been unreliable. Bertholdt knew that to be the truth. He'd been too passive. Never operated with a will of his own. Never took initiative.
How burdened Reiner must have felt trying to plan everything. Bertholdt sighed while he walked. This land seemed endless; no matter how long he walked it seemed like he made no progress towards the light. He noticed that the auroras branched off into nine paths, but two of them melded together into a single aurora. They were... pretty.
If he had even a single companion, this place might not be too bad. But Bertholdt found himself all alone, and that scared him. Not because he needed another person around, but the sheer loneliness of this place got to him. His last memory was his heart racing and him being scared shitless; being here didn't make sense.
Was he dead? Bertholdt had been taught to believe that if you were good, you would go to Heaven and experience rest and happiness. If you were evil and bad, you would go to Hell and be punished for your sins. Ever since he got his titan, Bertholdt knew he'd be going to burn in hell. So if he were dead, he was in the wrong place. There were no flames consuming him, there was no devil taking glee in his suffering.
The sheer brightness of the light column made Bertholdt squint his eyes the closer he got. By all measures, his legs should be screaming in pain. Begging for relief. When he realized that he hadn't been breathing while he walked, he stopped suddenly and put his hands on his throat. Cautiously, Bertholdt tried to breathe in, then out. He didn't feel the relief that came with a yawn; did his lungs even expands?
"Hello?" Well, at the very least he was still able to talk and make noise. No response, even after all this time.
Was Reiner okay? Bertholdt closed his eyes while he walked. The last time he saw Reiner, his head had been blown off. But his heart had miraculously still been beating in his chest, and as far as Bertholdt knew he'd survived his blast. The thought of Reiner being executed by those monsters they'd called friends... Bertholdt shuddered to think about it. Would they toss him off the wall, feed him to a pure titan? Was Reiner even still alive?
When Bertholdt approached the light, he saw a young girl sculpting sand. At last he'd found someone! There were other silhouettes nearby, and relief flooded through his veins. It almost looked like the little girl was sculpting... a foot...?
What an odd choice. It was a big foot too. Bertholdt gulped and approached her. "Hello?"
No response. Her clothes were ragged, her hair not necessarily dirty but unkempt all the same. She kept working at sculpting the foot; how long had she spent working on it? Upon closer inspection, it looked like the foot of a colossal titan. He'd seen his own titan's body enough times to recognize a foot like his. Bertholdt reached out and touched the foot, to no reaction from the girl. Oddly enough, it was made out of sand but felt firm as stone; it didn't even start to crumble under his touch. "What are you making here?"
Again, the girl said nothing. Bertholdt felt his stomach turn, because this girl was so creepy. She reminded him of those weird kids that he and his friends told stories about around a campfire years ago. Reiner would tease him and say there was no such thing as creepy kids like that. What kind of nine-year-old would murder a stranger in a house? And he'd laughed and said Reiner was right...
If only Reiner could see this kid. Bertholdt wanted to leave, but where would he go? Shouldn't he be in Shinganshina? Or Marley? And sand with an aurora overhead? There was no other way to get answers. So he sat. And sat. For what must have been an eternity. Bertholdt stared at the sky and laid so he could spread his body out in the sand. Eventually he saw her constructing the colossal titan's body.
But... it didn't look right. No, his titan didn't have exposed ribs like that. His body was thicker! The body's frame was too narrow. Why would the colossal titan have exposed ribs. Bertholdt backed away and looked at it. He... really was a huge titan. It was intimidating to look at his full standing height from the outside. Bertholdt stumbled back and fell onto his ass while he looked at the titan. It looked... wrong.
"That isn't my titan, it's all wrong..." Bertholdt mumbled to himself. He wasn't sure what to think.
"That's because it isn't your titan." Bertholdt jumped in alarm at the sudden appearance of another person's voice. He turned around and caught sight of the other person. He shouldn't have let his guard down, because it would have been so easy for one of the 104th to kill him like that. Wherever he was now, he needed to go and make sure Reiner was okay. Bertholdt gasped and dropped to his knees, then pulled the small body close to him.
"Marcel?! Marcel!" Bertholdt hugged his old friend tight, and now he knew he must be dreaming. Marcel's hands pat the top of his head while Bertholdt squeezed him. Tears streamed down his face. "I'm sorry, Marcel... we could have saved you."
"It's okay, Bertholdt. It couldn't be helped." Marcel closed his eyes. Bertholdt shook his head and cried. "But I knew you were still alive. Did you make it home?"
"We failed, Marcel. I failed. Reiner did his best. Annie got captured. I need to go find Reiner, I have to make sure he's okay." Bertholdt started to stand and looked around. "When I wake up, I'm going to find him..."
"Bertholdt. You aren't going to wake up." Marcel took Bertholdt's hand, and their size difference made it just how apparent how young they all were when they went to Paradis. "You're dead, Bertholdt..."
"What?! What do you mean I'm dead?! What sort of sick joke is that?" Bertholdt pulled his hand away and frowned at Marcel. He shook his head and turned away. "Marcel would never joke about something like that!"
"You're right, I wouldn't!" Oh, Marcel's voice cracked. He was just shy of hitting puberty, but still he sounded like a child. Bertholdt turned back around and felt a pang of guilt. There was genuine hurt in Marcel's voice. Marcel approached Bertholdt again and hugged Bertholdt's torso. "I just wanted to keep my brother safe, Bertholdt... I don't even know how long I've been here."
"Where is this place...?" Bertholdt asked slowly. Marcel was quiet, then shook his head. "Marcel?"
"I'm just happy to see someone I know... I'm sorry." Marcel sniffled. He was wearing his Marleyan military uniform, not the clothes he died in. But then again, he was wearing his blue sweater even though that wasn't what he wore before. Marcel pulled away and wiped at his eyes. "That's the coordinate. Where all the powers of the nine titans come from. I think the girl is the founder, Ymir."
"The founder Ymir?" Bertholdt frowned and instead looked up at the lights in the sky. Upon closer inspection, there were nine branches coming from the column of light. Oddly, two of them came together and joined into one branch. The eight branches stretched out into the unknowable expanse of this unknown place. Where would he go if he followed them?
"See those lights? When a shifter dies, you can tell. Their light changes and the person who died will show up here. Lots of shifters just... leave. And wander around this place. You'll see lots of people, but most of them won't talk to you..." Marcel looked down at the ground. "Someone told me which branch was which. She said she was an armored titan."
"Which one was which? Each one of these branches is a titan, then?" Bertholdt looked up and sighed. "That's... how you knew I died, isn't it? You knew which one was the colossal..."
"Yes." Marcel was still clinging to him. Bertholdt sat down and hugged Marcel close against him. How lonely he must have been, and for so long. "Since I've been here, the founder died. Their path combined with the missing attack titan's path. But then the person who had both of them died really soon after."
"Eren..." Marcel paid no mind to Bertholdt's mumble. "He must have had the attack titan too." He ran a hand down his face. Marcel was staring absentmindedly at the sky. No matter where they were or what the situation was, Bertholdt had to admit it was a pretty sight.
"The warhammer titan died after that. I guess whichever Tybur had it reached the end of their thirteen years and now a new person has it." Marcel looked up at Bertholdt with a mischievous light in his eyes. "I saw the founder put together a warhammer titan once, when its older summoned it! The warhammer titan looks really cool!"
"Ah? When the user of a titan summons their titan you can tell?" Marcel nodded and pointed at the lights above.
"They glow. And founder Ymir builds their titan. It seems like a long time she spends putting the titan together, but you remember how quickly our titan bodies formed." Marcel paused and looked seriously at Bertholdt. "I saw that the colossal titan was inherited. I cried, because I knew what it meant."
"I'm dead? I really am dead...?" Bertholdt clutched at the sand and shook his head. "I can't be! My dad needs me! Annie needs me! Reiner needs me!" Bertholdt hiccupped and started to panic. Marcel kept hugging his body and trying to comfort Bertholdt, but coming to terms with one's own death was a monumental task.
Yes, they knew they were going to die in thirteen years. Bertholdt still had seven left, though. And he'd had absolutely no intent on dying on that damned island! He was so close to finally getting to go back to Liberio! He and Reiner would go back and regroup, then they would return to save Annie!
How long he cried for, Bertholdt wasn't sure. But then, through blurry eyes, he saw that Marcel was still there with him. Bertholdt hugged him close and made sure that Marcel knew he wasn't alone anymore. Marcel's cheeks were wet too, and Bertholdt wiped the tears away. Marcel smiled happily despite his tears.
"I'm not alone anymore..." Marcel mumbled. Bertholdt smiled despite his broken heart. He held Marcel tightly against him and would make sure Marcel wasn't alone ever again.
"So those lights go to the holders of the nine titans?" Bertholdt asked. Marcel hummed and nodded. After a quiet moment, he looked to the side and saw Marcel intently focused on the auroras. "Which one is which?"
"The one on the far left is the armored titan. Reiner is still the holder. Next to that is the colossal titan. I don't know who has it now..." Marcel wanted to avoid the subject of Bertholdt's death. It wasn't something either of them were keen on talking about. Instead, his hand drifted to pointing at the third. "That one is the cart titan. Pieck still has it. The next one is the jaw. ...I guess the person after me still has it."
"I... don't think she'll have it for long. She's in Marley's hands now. They're probably going to feed her to a warrior candidate." Bertholdt scratched behind his ear; there was no avoiding the subject with Marcel. In all reality, Porco was probably going to be the one inheriting the jaw titan when Marley recovered it. Porco's years would be numbered, and he would be subjected to the hell of being a titan.
"I just wanted to protect my little brother." Marcel sighed and shook his head. "I never should have told Reiner the truth. It would've been better that way. You told me everything that happened, and I feel responsible." Bertholdt shook his head and looked seriously at Marcel.
"You're not responsible. You did what you thought was right." Bertholdt paused and reflected on the past five years. His breath was shaky. Reiner, and Annie... "Reiner did what he thought was right, too. And the people of Paradis did what they thought was right. The world is just cruel..."
"I always thought that there was more out there. I loved life, and being alive. That's why I wanted my little brother to live a long and happy life. If it were up to me, he'd die an old man. Warm in his bed, with a family that loves him. Not being eaten by a titan in his early twenties." Bertholdt wanted to cry listening to Marcel. He loved life and died. Bertholdt was exhausted and got to live...
Well, no. He was dead now, too. Was he going to be stuck here for all eternity? Would he ever see his other friends again?
"I understand wanting to protect someone. If I stuck to the plan, I think I'd still be alive. I'd have blown away every single one of my opponents. But..." Bertholdt trailed off. He bit his lower lip and recalled what he'd seen in Shinganshina.
Reiner always had a handsome face. Seeing him decapitated had been too much. For a moment, he'd been afraid that his poor Reiner had been killed. Saving Reiner had been a priority of his. Obviously he'd succeeded in keeping Reiner alive, because he was still the holder of the armored titan.
But any fantasy of a happy life together was just that. A fantasy. Reiner was all alone somewhere and he was dead. Stuck in some desert place with only Marcel. Would he ever be reunited with anyone else in death? What about his father?
"Bertholdt? Are you okay?" Marcel ran a hand along Bertholdt's cheek. "You're crying..."
"I-I'm okay, Marcel. I should be happy. The person I love most in this world is still alive." Bertholdt sniffled and wiped at his eyes. He turned and looked up at the auroras in the sky. "Yes, he's still alive. So why am I so sad, Marcel? I told him I would die for him a long time ago... and I did. I'm happy he's alive."
"I've been here a long time, Bertholdt." Marcel had obviously matured. And he'd been here for a long time as well. Marcel closed his eyes and looked where Bertholdt had been staring. Reiner's path. "It's hard letting go of your dreams. Being here... well, being here means they'll never come true."
"That's why it hurts... I don't want to let go of my dreams. Even if that's all they are." Bertholdt pulled his knees to his face and hugged them. He'd had so many dreams that died, why was he so broken up now? Even when he was alive he knew that all his dreams would never come true. From the day he inherited his titan most of his dreams were gone.
When he was young, he'd wanted to get married to someone special and have a family. Sometimes in the moonlight Reiner would steal a kiss and promise they'd get married as soon as they were home.
On the island, sometimes the two of them liked to pretend. Life was simpler inside the walls. They used to fantasize all the time about the lives they would have together. They'd join the military police and save their money to buy farmland. Reiner would work on raising some chickens for eggs and meat, and Bertholdt would maintain their vegetable garden. Lord knew there were lots of children inside the walls who had been orphaned; he and Reiner could adopt one or two of them. They'd all play together underneath the peach trees and then they'd read stories to the kids before bed.
That dream could never come true. They'd die too soon. By the time they could afford to buy the land, their terms would end and they would perish. Sometimes their dreams were simpler, more attainable. Reiner talked about dancing with Bertholdt in their apartment they would get. By candlelight, they would dance to the music of their phonograph; an expensive luxury in Marley, but one they could very easily afford with two warriors' salaries.
Saying goodbye to the realistic dreams hurt far more.
"I wanted to get married, Marcel. I wanted to spend my time left with him." Marcel didn't know what to say. He'd come to terms with his situation a long time ago. He got used to being alone. Now he had Bertholdt and had no idea what to say. He'd wanted to see his brother again, but he'd already said goodbye to that dream.
"I'm sorry, Bertholdt. I'm sorry." Marcel shook his head and wished he could think of something else to say. He swallowed and ran his hand up and down along Bertholdt's shivering back; whether or not his attempt to comfort Bertholdt helped, he wasn't sure. But he kept going because he wasn't going to let Bertholdt feel alone.
"Tell me more about the dreams you had, Bertholdt." Marcel was building a lion out of the sand. Bertholdt frowned while he attempted to mold a titan he'd seen once; he thought that maybe its simple-looking body would be easy to sculpt, but he was wrong. Bertholdt tore down his mini-titan and started building a castle instead. "You sound like you really cared about him."
"I wanted to travel the world with Reiner. You know we were stuck in the internment zone. When we were in the Cadet Corps, we travelled to the north. Among the frozen mountains, there were hot springs. Just like I had heard there were in Hizuru. And we weren't forbidden from going! We went to the hot springs and soaked... and we talked about what the springs in Hizuru must be like. We wanted to go there. And to see the auroras..." Bertholdt trailed off and stared at Reiner's path again.
"That sounds like it would've been fun. I always wanted to go to deserts to see the sands." Neither of them commented on their current environment. Surely the places on Earth were better than whatever this limbo was. "I wanted to ride a camel with Pock."
"Camel riding would have been fun." Bertholdt laughed and thought about the sight. He remembered Porco as a child; he was grown now, what might he look like? "I think Reiner would get along just fine with camels. He did well with the horses on Paradis."
"He was fine with the horse we rode into the island on. Reiner was always good with animals. No wonder you imagined him raising the animals on your farm." Marcel laughed at the mental image of Reiner raising a flock of chicken. He'd probably pick out a favorite one.
"I wanted to marry him. Make it official, you know? Marley wouldn't have cared. Marley didn't care about Eldians in same-sex relationships. Probably because we wouldn't be able to create more Eldians." Bertholdt sighed and looked at the main tower of his castle. He started digging a moat around the perimeter. "Even on Paradis they didn't care. Probably because we wouldn't be able to create more mouths to feed. Funny how wherever we went people were glad we couldn't have kids. But we'd have loved whatever family we could've had."
"You would've been a good husband, Bertholdt. I can tell you loved him." Bertholdt smiled at Marcel's compliment. "He was lucky to have someone like you."
The past tense made Bertholdt chew his lip. Yeah... they were happy to have one another. Reiner was lucky to have had him. They used to share their dreams and talk about getting married. But now that he was dead, Reiner was out there somewhere. All alone? Reiner never made comments about what they would do if one of them died in battle. It had seemed unthinkable.
"Do you think I'll see him again, Marcel?" Bertholdt asked after a long pause. Marcel sighed, then moved and leaned against Bertholdt's side. Bertholdt let Marcel lean against him; the touch was a huge comfort in this endless place they just existed in. The two of them gazed up at the lights. Nine lights, with either of them extending out into the endless night. No matter how far they ran, they would never reach the end. Reach the holders of the titans.
"Well... I saw you again, Bertholdt." Marcel murmured. Bertholdt hummed at that. It was true; many years ago Marcel wound up in this place. He had to have wondered if he'd ever see any of his fellow warriors again. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Go ahead, Marcel." Bertholdt watched Marcel stare at the ground. His expression was one of immense guilt.
"I want my brother to live a long and happy life. But if Pock inherits a titan... maybe I'll get to see him here again one day. I know Annie and Pieck and Reiner and Zeke will be here someday. When their terms expire. But Pock is who I miss the most."
"I... think I understand. I don't want Reiner to die by any means. But the thought of seeing him again..." Bertholdt leaned back and laid in the sand. Marcel did the same, and stretched out his arms and legs. He really did die young, Bertholdt found himself thinking when he noticed Marcel's smaller frame. "Reiner deserves to die happy. Surrounded by his family, in a warm bed. With all of them telling him how much they love him, how proud they are."
That wouldn't happen. If he didn't die in battle, Reiner was going to be gobbled up by a mindless titan. There wouldn't even be a body left to be buried or cremated. Reiner would get a plot in a Marleyan cemetery. But that would be it.
"When Reiner gets here, tell him how much you love him." Marcel stared down at the sand and let some pass through his fingers. "If Pock ever comes here... ever, I'm going to tell him how much I love him. How much I've missed him. I wonder if he'll still think of me as his big brother with me looking like this."
"I still think of you as our leader even with me being bigger. I think Reiner and Annie will, too." Bertholdt went back to staring at the armored titan's path in the sky. "I'll tell him again. When I see Reiner. I won't hold anything back."
Bertholdt didn't want Reiner to die. Reiner deserved to live happily. But the reality was Reiner was on borrowed time. Soon, he would succumb to the end of his term. He would be here, and a new armored titan would be born. Until that day, Bertholdt would pray for Reiner's safety and watch his aurora.
And when the day came that he would see Reiner again, Bertholdt would grab him and never let him go.