Work Text:
Beomgyu feels like the living embodiment of death. When he wakes up in the morning, he immediately brings an arm up to shield his face away from the harsh light and lets out a whine. Why? Why? Why does he have to get out of bed today?
Now usually Beomgyu, along with Taehyung, are fairly early risers, but Beomgyu had not gotten any sleep last night. He had stayed up overthinking and it felt like his brain and body were so tired that it was impossible to actually fall asleep.
So instead he had stayed up most of the night, watching videos on his phone and scrolling mindlessly through social media. He could’ve written lyrics and worked, but he didn’t think his brain could handle that right now. Beomgyu knew he had to be ready and awake the next day, but sleeping was clearly not working for him.
Beomgyu had probably only gotten about one to two and a half hours of sleep last night. So it seems understandable that his body feels achy and tired, and that his stomach feels funny, and that there’s a strange buzzing underneath his skin.
Even though he is exhausted, Beomgyu can feel that buzz of energy only increase underneath his skin and knows he will drive himself crazy if he continues just to sit still in bed.
In all honesty, there had been a reason Beomgyu didn’t sleep well. It was all his own stupid brain's fault. It was like Beomgyu couldn’t turn off his thoughts. His brain just kept running and running and the gears kept turning and turning. And the thoughts were all way too fast to slow down, appearing then disappearing just as fast and then branching off into other thoughts and only adding fuel to the fire.
After what felt like three hours (which was actually only thirty minutes), Beomgyu had just fully let the thoughts consume him, no way of switching them off and making his mind stay blank. The only problem with this was that in the dark of his room, staring at the ceiling from the top bunk, his thoughts started to take a turn.
How could he feel so alone, when he could hear the other members in the room lightly snoring and mumbling in their sleep. If he wanted to, he could climb down the ladder and see them sleeping right there, and yet, he felt so utterly lonely.
It was like the world had gone quiet. And Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he liked it. Then as the world grew quieter and quieter, his thoughts grew louder and louder. The overthinking and stress bubbling over to create something hideous.
Beomgyu felt his chest clench as the all-consuming bad thoughts swirled in his brain. All the self-doubt, self-deprecating thoughts, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, all mixing and tangling together to create one giant ball that sat like a hundred-pound weight on his chest and in his mind.
“Hurry up, hyung!” Taehyun shouts repeatedly.
This time Beomgyu snaps out of his thoughts enough to open the door and let his younger boyfriend inside the bathroom.
“Finally,” he hears Taehyunnie mutter underneath his breath.
Entering the dining room, Beomgyu spots his other boyfriends. Yeonjun is yawning, sipping on some sort of coffee beverage as he kicks back on the table. Soobin is over by the stove with Kai hovering over his shoulder while Soobin cooks some eggs. Kai has decided to make Soobin’s shoulder his personal pillow and is moving with Soobin wherever he goes in the kitchen, shuffling behind him and maintaining his position.
Beomgyu smiles lightly, his brain too groggy to find the energy to laugh at the sight. Yeonjun then pats the seat next to him, an indication for Beomgyu to sit beside him.
He trudges over to the spot and practically slumps down in the chair. Yeonjun gives him a slightly questioning look before draping one arm over the boy.
“Beomgyu, what do you want for breakfast?” Soobin calls after noticing his boyfriend's messy bedhead.
Beomgyu shrugs. He can feel the uncertainty and anxiety form in his chest. There are too many choices. There are too many things he could eat for breakfast. And just thinking about the different options is making Beomgyu's head hurt. It's not that hard to make a simple decision like what food to eat, so why can’t he just pick something? It’s breakfast, not some life-changing decision.
“You feeling okay, Gyu?” asks Yeonjun, concerned at the way his younger boyfriend practically melted into the chair and how he didn’t seem to want breakfast.
Now it was normal for Beomgyu to eat less than the others. Taehyun was the same way. While the others, especially the two oldest, would eat lots and lots of food, even the leftovers their boyfriends left behind. However, Beomgyu was usually good about eating breakfast. More often than not, he would eat breakfast and then forget about lunch. But now that they are all in a relationship, they have all been helped him remember to eat lunch everyday.
Beomgyu hums, “M’ jus’ tired.”
Yeonjun nods, but the others in the room all look with a bit of worry at their boyfriend.
“Do you want eggs?” questions Kai, coming over to rub Beomgyu’s shoulders.
“No, m’ okay. Thanks, Kai-ah” Beomgyu mumbles.
Eating seems like too much right now. And the texture and chewing sounds of the food in his mouth are too much to even think about.
Beomgyu quickly stands up when the food gets set on the table, not even realizing he had zoned out long enough that Soobin has finished cooking.
“I’m gonna go- uh-,” Beomgyu cuts off, unsure of what he had wanted to say. Why can’t he remember? Since when were words so hard?
“Bathroom? Bedroom to get changed?” Soobin supplies gently.
He knows sometimes words are hard for Beomgyu and that it’s fairly common that he forgets what he’s saying in the middle of his sentence or can’t seem to make out the words.
“...Bedroom,” Beomgyu confirms after a minute. That was where he wanted to go, right? Well, he didn’t want to sit still any longer and listen to them all talking and eating anyways.
When Beomgyu steps into the hall, he immediately forgets where he was planning on going. He stands in the same spot, looking down at the ground right in front of his shoes in confusion.
Taehyun walks up to Beomgyu cautiously and taps him on the shoulder.
“You good, hyung? Going to get changed?” he says.
Right! That’s where he was going. Beomgyu nods and looks at the younger in gratitude before skipping off to his room.
____________________________________________________________________________
In the car on the way to practice, Beomgyu finds himself zoning out and staring out of the window of the vehicle. There is just so much to see outside.
“Gyu! Gyu?” Yeonjun exasperates, tapping on Beomgyu’s shoulder repeatedly.
Beomgyu blinks and finally tunes into the oldest words. He turns to face him, blinking repeatedly to get his eyes back into focus.
“Will you stop tapping your leg? You’re shaking the car,” Yeonjun huffs, turning away from Beomgyu.
Beomgyu hadn’t even realized he had been bouncing his leg up and down. He presses hard on his leg, stopping the movement completely.
Fuck. He had made Yeonjun mad. Why couldn’t he just keep still? Yeonjun probably hated him. Was he really that annoying and irritating? Probably.
This was all his fault. Yeonjun has probably been annoyed by Beomgyus fidgeting for a while now and had been too nice to tell him. He had probably been annoying him for so long without even realizing it. God, he had probably been annoying to all of them. He can’t believe he never realized it before. Man is he a shitty boyfriend. Such a bother.
All the while, Beomgyu has completely gotten caught up in his thoughts, zoning out and staring right in front of him. And he doesn’t even realize he is tapping his fingers in a slight pattern and rhythm on his thigh, this time as more of a nervous tic.
____________________________________________________________________________
The drive in the car completely flies by as Beomgyu is so wrapped up in his thoughts. And without realizing, the light taps to his thigh have turned into harder punches.
When Beomgyu exits the car, he ends up stumbling and almost dives headfirst into the concrete. Luckily, Yeonjun was right in front of him and grasps onto his boyfriend before he falls down.
“Sorry, hyung,” Beomgyu says sheepishly. Nobody picks up on the slight edge and panic in his voice. He doesn’t want Yeonjun to get even angrier with him.
____________________________________________________________________________
They sadly have dance practice for the whole day and Beomgyu is definitely not looking forward to it.
In their practice room, the instructor instantly comes to greet them and get practice started. She starts explaining what they will be working on today and how she plans to leave them towards the end as soon as they have learned the choreography.
Everyone nods except Beomgyu, who had not had a long enough attention span to listen to the lady while she explained everything.
“Can you- uhm- Can you please explain again, noona?” he asks shyly.
The teacher frowns and lets out a sigh, but obeys and repeats the information once again.
____________________________________________________________________________
Beomgyu can’t seem to focus. He doesn’t know if it’s the stress or the overthinking or lack of sleep, but everything feels so much worse today. He keeps getting distracted or zoning out and then messing up.
Everyone is starting to grow a little wary of him and Beomgyu is hyper-aware of the looks thrown his way. He needs to try harder. Just do better. Or else he’s going to fail the group. He’s supposed to be good at dancing for God's sake. Why was he doing so poorly?
“WHAT IS UP WITH YOU TODAY, BEOMGYU?” shouts the instructor after a particularly bad execution of the part in the choreography they had been working on.
Beomgyu flinches and the lady pinches her nose and lets out a sigh, attempting to calm down.
“I can’t help you if you aren’t willing to put in the effort. I need your full energy today, got it? Can't have you holding down the group.”
“Y-yes, s-sorry,” Beomgyu stutters, bowing in apology.
____________________________________________________________________________
Finally, their dance instructor leaves, leaving the five boys to practice on their own and refine the dance.
Sadly, Beomgyu isn’t doing much better. He knows he has to try harder to make up for whatever shitshow occurred during the first half of practice, but he can’t seem to pull himself together.
He keeps finding himself zoning out or drowning in these thoughts. Everything just feels like too much.
Why is it so loud? The music blaring through the speakers vibrates Beomgyu's whole body.
Why is everything so loud? He can vaguely register Yeonjun counting out the beats to keep them in time for the next part, but his voice only adds to the harsh pounding in Beomgyu's head.
Everything is too much. It’s too much. The buzzing underneath his skin now feels so intense that his whole body is hot and uncomfortable. And the noises keep getting louder. Why can’t it just be quiet?
His body feels sluggish and it takes so much energy to even execute the moves halfway decently.
Everything just feels wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong-
“BEOMGYU!”
Beomgyu’s head snaps up, now aware of an irritated-looking Soobin standing before him, and realizes that the music has paused now.
He feels relief flow through him briefly before the feeling of guilt punches him right in the gut.
He must’ve messed up again. Or maybe he just stopped dancing entirely. He isn’t sure. It’s like Beomgyu’s body was working on autopilot.
“Gyu, what is going on today? You’ve been messing up all practice. Can you at least try? You keep getting all the moves wrong and then when one of us corrects you, you just do it again incorrectly,” states Soobin, trying to keep calm.
“Please,” he sighs. “We’re all tired. And the less you mess up and mess around, the faster we get home.”
Beomgyu can feel the tears start to well up in his eyes at his hyung’s words. Can’t they see that he’s trying? Can’t they see that he is listening to them? Can’t they see how hard it is for him today?
But everything that his older boyfriend had said was right. He keeps messing up. And he needs to get his act together unless he wants to continue holding the group back. But if everything Soobin said to him was correct, then why was this upsetting him so much?
Beomgyu nods in response to Soobin's question, muttering a soft “Sorry” that probably was inaudible to anybody else.
Soobin lets out a loud huff, making Beomgyu’s body jolt.
He can feel the tears burning his eyes and threatening to spill. And he has never felt more restless and uncomfortable in his life.
He can’t believe he’s upset Soobin too. Both of his hyungs are mad at him. And he saw the way Taehyun and Kai were looking at him before. He feels the way that the air is hot with tension.
They’re all mad at him.
And Beomgyu doesn't blame them one bit.
His fingers start to flex and tap at his leg involuntarily. He wants nothing more than to just get out of here, briefly wishing for the guts to run right out of the practice room. Run until his lungs burn and the feeling of restlessness leaves. Run until his body stops vibrating and skin stops buzzing. Run until the roaring in his eardrums is the only sound he can hear. Run until he can only hear the ragged breaths coming from his own chest. Run until the world quiets down. Run until it’s finally okay again.
____________________________________________________________________________
HeuningKai has been watching Beomgyu ever since the instructor had finished reprimanding him in the first few hours of practice.
He has been watching his boyfriend closely and is starting to feel more and more concerned. Beomgyu doesn’t seem to be “just tired” like he keeps insisting. It seems like more than that. And the way he is zoning out and staring down at the floor in the exact same spot he was while Soobin yelled at him, is extremely worrying.
Kai doesn’t really know what to do. He’s still just a kid and doesn’t know how to handle his hyungs when they’re crying. Even though they’ve all been dating for a while now, the comforting is usually done by Yeonjun or Soobin, depending on who’s upset. That isn’t to say Kai doesn’t comfort his boyfriends sometimes. In fact, he enjoys it when the others talk to him and let him cuddle them. However, he is extremely unsure of what to do in this situation, especially as it seems he’s the only one who has noticed and especially because all his boyfriends seem frustrated and annoyed with his Beomgyu-hyung's behavior.
Out of the corner of his eyes, the youngest spots Beomgyu’s bag and water bottle laying off to the side. He quickly scurries over and grabs the bottle, walking over to his boyfriend.
“Here, Beomgyu-hyung,” he says, offering the water out to his boyfriend.
When the older doesn’t make a move to grab it or even acknowledge Kai's words, a deep frown starts to settle in on Kai’s features.
“Gyu?” he questions, now shaking Beomgyus shoulder.
Beomgyu finally looks up at Kai with big glossy eyes. He slowly blinks and then once his vision has cleared, stares at the water bottle in confusion.
“Aw! Sorry, Hyuka. Hyung is just tired,” Beomgyu says, smiling sheepishly up at the younger after registering his surroundings.
Kai hesitantly nods, knowing fully well that this is more than just feeling a little sleepy. But, he doesn’t have time to think about commenting or asking Beomgyu before Taehyun is telling them the water break is over.
Luckily, Kai is able to pull Yeonjun over to the side briefly to share his concerns about their boyfriend. They both agree to keep an eye on him and not do anything too extreme in case Beomgyu is only feeling a little stressed.
____________________________________________________________________________
Fuck. Beomgyu really should’ve drunk some water.
His throat feels dry and achy as he tries to execute the dance moves. His limbs are hard to move and his head is pounding with every base note of the song.
They don’t have much time left in practice. He can make it until then. He just needs to get his act together and try harder. He just needs to show them that he can get the dance down and do it correctly. Then Beomgyu can do whatever he wants at home. He could hide under the covers with the lights off for the rest of the evening if he really wanted.
He can do this. Just a few more run-throughs.
____________________________________________________________________________
He can’t do this. Beomgyu can’t do this.
He feels like the music is physically hurting his body to listen to. Every time Yeonjun yells something, it feels like somebody is screaming right into his ear. All of the sounds are blending together and he can’t seem to differentiate between the song and the counts and all the yelling.
Everything just feels like a jumbled-up mess and it’s hard to think when everything is so damn loud.
He can hear everything in the room. From a person walking outside to the breathing of his other members. Why are they breathing so loudly? Why is everything just so loud?
His head feels fuzzy and everything just feels uncomfortable. His skin is hot and itchy. If someone were to touch him right now, he would scream.
Beomgyu has never felt so overwhelmed in his life. All the sounds are mixing and he can’t differentiate between them. The lights are glaring down from the ceiling, burning his eyes and setting his skin on fire. He can hear the obnoxious squeak of shoes on the floor and the retched breathing of all his members. All the while, the music keeps blaring from the speakers, completely overwhelming his senses and mixing into this horrible melody. Beomgyu feels so hot and uncomfortable. The buzzing through his skin is unbearable and he feels almost claustrophobic in his own skin. And the uncomfortable feeling of his clothing on his own body has dread and disgust curling in his stomach. The cloth is so itchy. Why hasn’t he noticed it before? It feels like his shirt is trying to choke him.
He feels almost disoriented and can’t even focus on dancing at all. Everything is just too much. It’s too much. It’s too loud. And it’s too bright. And it’s too loud. It’s too loud. Why can’t it all be quiet? Why can’t the world be quiet? Cant the world be quiet? Can’t the world be-
Beomgyu doesn’t realize he has tripped and is falling until his body makes a harsh impact on the floor. He vaguely is aware of his body colliding with another but doesn’t know who it is. And his eyes are too blurry and unfocussed to concentrate on anything more than squeezing his eyes tightly shut and plugging his ears with both his hands.
“BEOMGYU!” Yeonjun shouts, more in surprise than anything.
The yell causes Beomgyu to flinch and curl in more to himself.
The others stare in shock for a few seconds at the sight of Beomgyu tumbling into Taehyun and sending them both to the ground before Yeonjun rushes to help Taehyun stand.
Taehyun pulls himself up with the help of Yeonjun and glares at Beomgyu, not picking up on the state the older is currently in.
“What the fuck, Beomgyu,” he roars. “You’ve been dancing horribly all day. What is up with you? It was honestly only a matter of time until someone got hurt because of you. And now you aren’t even apologizing to me,” he scoffs in disbelief.
“...Gyu-,” Soobin starts when it is clear the other isn’t going to respond.
At the same time Yeonjun and Kai both call Beomgyu's name.
Before they can finish, they are interrupted by a whimper.
All the yelling has only made Beomgyu more distressed. He can hear everything that everyone is saying but all at the same volume. He feels like he’s going to die. This uncomfortable feeling roots itself in his chest and he feels restless but unable to move. His skin feels buzzy and on fire, but he wants nothing more than to curl up in bed by himself.
On top of that, he feels incredibly guilty. He pushed over Tae. This is his fault. Taehyun got hurt because of him. Now they all must really hate him. They probably don’t even want him in the group, much less in their relationship. Maybe they never even wanted to date him in the first place. Maybe they just felt bad and didn’t want to leave only him out of the relationship. Maybe-
Beomgyu is cut off by his own whimper that spills from his lips.
The others stare in shock down at Beomgyu, who is still curled in a ball on the floor as more whimpers fall out of his mouth. They finally take in the sight of Beomgyu curled around his body tightly with his eyes squeezed shut and face scrunched up. His ears are covered with his hands and his lips tremble as he begins to rock back in forth on the floor.
“Fuck,” Soobin mutters quietly.
“Gyu, baby, what’s wrong? Want to tell hyung what’s going on?” Yeonjun asks, trying to mask his concern for the other.
“Beomgyu, I’m sorry for yelling, but can you talk to us, please? Are you hurt? Why are you acting like this?” Soobin questions gently, while Kai starts to head over to the shaking boy on the ground.
Taehyung speaks, “I’m sorry for yelling too. I know you didn’t mean to make me fall, Beomgyu-hyung. So can you tell us what’s-“
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Beomgyu screams, unable to take all the noise.
Everyone flinches and HeuningKai freezes on his way to Beomgyu.
The words that came out of Beomgyu's mouth finally register in his brain and he feels even worse now.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so- sorry,” he sobs out, repeating the words like a mantra or a broken record on repeat while tears stream down his face like a waterfall, and his body starts rocking faster and faster.
All his boyfriends freeze in shock at Beomgyu's words and how distressed he seems right now. Soobin walks past a frozen Kai and quickly kneels down by Beomgyu, putting his hand on the younger's shoulder and opening his mouth to ask Beomgyu what’s going on.
Beomgyu only sobs harder when the hand makes contact with his body. It feels like way too much right now, the human contact burning his skin and making it unbearable.
Soobin's eyes widen as Bomegyu’s sobs only increase to the point where he is bordering on hyperventilating. Then Beomgyu starts scooting away from him.
He keeps going until his back hits the wall, then Beomgyu brings his legs up to his chest once more.
The rest of the group watches in horror as Beomgyu starts pulling his hair tightly while continuing to rock back and forth.
“Beomgyu!” Kai yells, trying to get his boyfriend to stop tugging at his scalp.
This only makes things worse.
Beomgyu flinches hard and his hands freeze and while he stops pulling at his hair, his hands switch to punching his right leg while his mouth latches into his knee.
Beomgyu can vaguely register his own screams which are muffled by his knee. But soon he grows out of breath and the need to sob takes over, so he pulls away.
“Beomgyu,” someone’s voice calls.
It’s too much. It’s way too loud. And that’s the only thing that he can think about, the horrible symphony of sounds entirely taking over his brain. It’s too much. It’s too much. It’s too much. It’s-
“W- What do we d- do?” Yeonjun quietly asks Soobin in a shaky voice as they watch Beomgyu start hitting the palms of his hands against his head repeatedly while continuing to sob and let out little sounds of distress.
“Is it- a panic attack?” Taehyun asks in an even voice, but the others can still hear the underlying concern and worry.
Soobin shakes his head, “I don’t- I don’t think- it’s that.”
Yeonjun nods and slowly makes his way to Beomgyu, making sure to leave a good distance between him and the boy.
He kneels down to Beomgyu's level and speaks so softly, he isn’t sure the younger will even hear him.
“Could you tell us what’s wrong, Gyu? Do you need us to do anything?”
Beomgyu continues to cry, sobbing out, “Too much. It’s- too much,” while trying to gulp in as much air as he can.
Yeonjun furrows his eyebrows in confusion and turns back to the boys.
Kai makes a gesture to the lights and Yeonjun slowly nods, both assuming that Beomgyu is overwhelmed and it might help to have the lights off.
Beomgyu feels a small hit of relief once the blaring lights stop shining down on him. His sobs continue but are less painful and he slowly starts to focus more on his breathing. And Beomgyu has returned back to just scratching and tapping on his legs, instead of hitting his hands on the sides of his face as hard as he can.
Soobin sits down next to Yeonjun on the floor, before being joined by Taehyun and Kai, all of them sighing in relief when they see Beomgyu start to calm down.
They still are confused by what is happening but know not to question it right now and not to try talking or they might overwhelm Beomgyu further.
Eventually, Beomgyus sobs cease and the tears only occasionally cascade down his face. He starts hiccuping in air as he calms down, slowly opening his eyes.
When his eyes slowly blink back into focus, he is hit with the feeling of exhaustion. His body feels like it’s gone into shutdown, his limbs feeling too jello-y to move and making him slump into a puddle on the floor. His eyes feel droopy and sleepy. And overall, he just feels really out of it and unfocussed. His whole body is numb and the only thing he wants right now is to go home and cuddle with all his boyfriends.
“Can we touch now, Beom-ah?” Soobin is the first to question after watching Beomgyus eyes open and his hands flap around while making the sound of humming from deep in his throat.
Beomgyu lightly nods, too tired to verbalize anything at the moment.
He continues flapping his wrist back and forth slowly and isn’t even aware of the sounds coming from deep in his chest.
Kai is the first one to scootch his body closer to Beomgyu’s, still being careful to not touch him too fast. He hesitates a bit before wrapping his arms around Beomgyu's waist and bringing him closer into his chest.
Beomgyu hums louder at the contact, closing his eyes and snuggling a bit closer to Kai, who takes this as permission to start slowly rubbing up and down his stomach.
Yeonjun shuffles over on his knees next, sitting on the other side of Beomgyu and gently cupping his face in between his hands.
Beomgyu keens at the contact and sleepily blinks his eyes open to look at the older.
Yeonjun smiles at Beomgyu's reaction, happy that he seems to be doing better.
“Baby, what happened? Can you talk to us, please?”
Beomgyu just shakes his head, his body barely even able to carry out that small movement before his eyes slip shut again and his body goes completely boneless.
“I think we should get him home. I’m guessing he can’t really talk right now. It must’ve taken a lot of his energy,” Soobin suggests.
Everyone else nods and Soobin goes over to Beomgyu, whispering in his ear that they are about to pick him up and take him home.
Then the older scoops up Beomgyu and plops him into Taehyun’s waiting arms.
Throughout the car ride home, Kai refuses to leave Beomgyu's side, having the older rest his head on Kai's shoulders and then wrapping an arm over Beomgyu’s small waist and resting his head on top of the olders. Soobin sits next to them, lightly carding his hand through Beomgyu’s
hair while notifying their manager that they had to cut practice a bit early.
____________________________________________________________________________
When they arrive home, Beomgyu is completely out. The others can’t tell if he has actually fallen asleep or if he’s just completely out of it.
Soobin holds onto Beomgyu's limp body while Kai gets out of the car. Beomgyu slightly curls his body into Soobin’s, making a small smile grace the older's face. Soon, Beomgyu is being handed to Kai and carried inside.
Kai sets Beomgyu on the couch before getting up. Beomgyus eyes snap open and he lets out a whine. Soobin is quick to sit down next to the boy and pull him into his side while gesturing to the others to go get changed.
Soon Soobin is replaced with Taehyun and the older goes to change into clean clothes and also grabs his hoodie and some pants for Beomgyu.
“Gyu, let’s get you changed, alright?” Yeonjun says.
Beomgyu is unresponsive and continues burying his head in Taehyuns neck and tapping his fingers against the other's chest.
“C’mon, hyung. You’ll feel better once you change,” Taehyun urges before turning the boy around to face Yeonjun.
They all have to help Beomgyu change as he is mostly unreceptive and doesn’t do much to help them get his clothes on.
As they settle back onto the couch, Beomgyu feels a lot better. He’s been zoned out for most of the ride back and after whatever happened in the practice room. But he feels himself start to tune in a bit to his surroundings.
He can feel the couch underneath him and realizes that they are in the living room with all the lights off except a small lamp on the table beside the sofa. He notices he has new, clean clothes on and feels embarrassed that his boyfriends had to help him change like a baby.
Beomgyu isn’t exactly sure what happened to him today. It didn’t seem like a panic attack or breakdown. All he remembers is feeling overwhelmed and how the sounds started attacking his ears.
“Gyu?”
Beomgyu snaps his eyes up to look at Soobin who is kneeled in front of him.
“Y- y- yeah?” he says, his voice wobbly and uneven. He’s surprised he is even able to push out those words even if they are barely above a whisper.
Soobin grins, “You back with us, Beommie?”
Beomgyu smiles in response, letting his head rest back on someone’s shoulder. He cracks an eye open and realizes that it's Yeonjun beside him before molding back into the older's side.
He is way more aware of his surroundings now, yet his body still feels exhausted.
“Hey, Gyu,” Yeonjun shakes his body. “Wanna tell us what happened at practice, baby?”
Beomgyu whines and tries to hide his face back into Yeonjuns shoulder.
“I don’ know,” he mumbles, his voice muffled from Yeonjun’s shoulder.
The others are slightly shocked.
“Can you- Can you tell us what caused it?”
Beomgyu lifts his head up in response to Soobin's words.
“I just- I didn’t sleep too well last night. I just felt...strange. Like there was this buzzing underneath my skin and I wanted to move, but I was too tired to,” he says quietly, almost as a question.
Kai reaches his hand out and wraps his fingers around Beomgyu’shands, lightly squeezing to get him to continue.
Beomgyu lets out a shaky sigh, starting to unconsciously play with the younger's fingers.
“Then I just felt weird when I woke up,” he grimaces. “Everything was just so- overwhelming. And it was too much. Just too loud. And I don’t-,” his breath hitches.
“Woah. Woah. Hey. You’re okay, baby,” Yeonjun rubs his shoulder comfortingly.
Suddenly, Taehyun exclaims, “Found it!”
“Found what?” Yeonjun asks.
“Sensory overload,” he reads from his phone before passing it to Beomgyu.
“It’s common in people who have autism, ADHD, or like anxiety. But I’m pretty sure anyone can experience it,” he continues.
Beomgyu reads the website and nods, tears filling his eyes. It’s the stupid ADHD thing again.
Beomgyu had never been diagnosed. And he wasn’t one to self-diagnose himself with something. But, it did seem like the logical explanation. And there were countless nights that he would spend crying, biting down on his hand to keep quiet, while he looked up ADHD online.
Beomgyu had even told his parents or tried to at least. They weren’t very accepting of the idea and brushed it off as soon as he mentioned it. So a lot of his life he spent thinking something was wrong with him, questioning himself.
Why is he so bothered by rejection? Why is he unable to focus on things that actually need to be focused on? Why is he always being annoying and irritating? Unconsciously tapping his fingers or shaking his leg. Why was he unable to stop himself from blurting out answers in school as a kid? Unable to contain his excitement and regulate emotions like others? Wondering why he always zones out. Wondering why it was so hard for him to understand stuff in school, not understanding why people could just get certain concepts. Wondering why he is so forgetful all the time. Why his memory is so bad that he can’t even remember his own boyfriends' birthdays. Wondering why his mouth spits out jumbles of fast-paced words all mushed together. Wondering why his brain is always moving to the next topic, so easily bored with talking about one thing. Wondering why he got so focused on music as a kid, while not being able to focus at all on schoolwork, disappointing his parents. Wondering why. Why is he like this?
Soobin is quick to lift up Beomgyu's head once he sees the younger's shoulders shaking. He gasps when he sees the tears running down his cheeks.
It’s too much. Not in the too much that it was earlier. But still too much. Beomgyu is so tired. He’s exhausted. And he hates that his boyfriends had to see him like that. He hates how angry he made everybody today. He hates how much he overreacted to the situation. He probably doesn’t even have ADHD, right?
At Soobin's gasp, Yeonjun is quick to take Beomgyu’s face in his hands, turning him to see the tears running down the younger's face.
“Gyu? Beomgyu-ah? What’s wrong, hun?” he says, concerned.
“Was it sensory overload?” Soobin questions now that all of them have read the website and symptoms.
Beomgyu nods, “S- sorry,” he sobs out.
Everyone’s hearts clench at his words.
“Beommie, baby, why are you crying? There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Yeonjun says kindly, his voice giving away how worried he is for their younger boyfriend.
“Th-Think I have ADHD,” Beomgyu says, the tears still falling down his face as he looks up at Soobin.
Soobin's face softens and he pulls Beomgyu off the couch and clutches the younger to his chest.
“It’s okay, Gyu. It’s okay,” he murmurs, running his hand up and down Beomgyu's back.
Beomgyu pulls away with a sniff, turning around to look at the rest of his boyfriends.
“S-sorry f- for um- messing up at practice. An’ for knocking you down, Tae,” he says.
Taehyun is quick to scoop the boy up in a hug. Although shorter, Taehyun has no problem picking the older one up.
“Ah!” Beomgyu yelps in surprise before falling into laughter.
Taehyun pulls away, “It’s not your fault, hyung. We should’ve realized something was wrong.”
“I’m sorry for yelling too. That wasn’t fair. I should’ve asked if you were okay. Your health always comes before dance, yeah?” Soobin says, now settled onto the couch.
Beomgyu nods.
“I’m sorry, Gyu. Kai noticed something was off, but I said to just wait,” Yeonjun adds with regret evident in his tone.
“I’m sorry too, Beomgyu. I should’ve told the others and asked Yeonjun-noona to end practice,” Kai says, yelling in surprise as Yeonjun leaned over Soobin to slap Kai on the other side of the couch.
Beomgyu laughs, lightly smiling before being interrupted by a big yawn.
“We should call it a night. Tomorrow we can discuss this more, but for now, our Gyu needs-“ Soobin starts after Beomgyu's sheepish smile from yawning.
“CUDDLES!” Kai interrupts. “Hyung needs cuddles!” he yells again.
Beomgyu bursts out laughing, the others joining in.
“You know, we could always just sleep on the couch. Whenever we cuddle together, we all end up on top of each other anyways,” Yeonjun suggests.
Soobin sighs, but nods in agreement.
____________________________________________________________________________
Later on in the night, Beomgyu is laid entirely on top of Soobin, curled in slightly with his head resting on his older boyfriend's chest.
Kai lays next to the couple, practically wrapping his whole body around them and comfortingly rubbing Beomgyu’s belly.
Taehyun lays on their other side, being spooned by Yeonjun. He gently cards his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair while holding Kai's other hand from across Soobin's body.
Yeonjun sleeps peacefully, his head nuzzled into Taehyun’s neck and arm resting under Soobin's head, the other resting on Beomgyu’s thigh.
Only God knows how all five of them managed to fit onto that singular couch in their living room. But somehow, they all managed to tangle their arms and limbs together, all snuggling up like they had many times before, this time with Gyu in the middle.
And Beomgyu sleeps with a soft smile gracing his face, the world is finally quiet, and he knows that tomorrow will be a better day.