Work Text:
regan: in times like these it's when i wish i'd listened to satan
christian: well, what did he tell you?
regan: i don't know i wasn't listening
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god: you were hurt, what do you remember?
regan: just the ambulance ride
christian: we didn't take an ambulance, god drove us
regan: what about the siren?
satan: sorry i got nervous
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satan: so i have this beautiful rock, regan gave it to me
regan: i threw it at you
satan: she's very sweet-
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satan: what's your biggest fear?
christian: being forgotten
satan: damn, that's really deep. mine's the Kool Aid man, but i feel kinda stupid now
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satan: treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
regan: killed without hesitation
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regan: do you think i could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?
god: you're a hazard to society
satan: and a coward. do twenty
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satan: why must you attack me with words?
regan: you want me to use rocks?
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"pardon me": christian
"excuse me": regan
"move, i'm gay": satan
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regan: i invited you to the woods because i crave the most dangerous game
satan, nodding: so, knife monopoly?
regan: i was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now i need to know whatever the hell knife monopoly is
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god: do you ever want to talk about your emotions, regan?
regan: no.
satan: i do!
god: i know lucifer
satan: i'm sad
god: i know lucifer
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regan: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE *throws a water bottle at christian*
god: uh...
christian: she's trying to yell mental health and wellbeing at us
regan: I APPRECIATE YOU ALL
satan: *crying* it's working
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regan: WELCOME TO APPLEBEES DO YOU WANT THE APPLES OR THE BEES?!
god: b-bees?
satan: HE HAS CHOSEN THE BEES!
god: wait-
christian: *approaches while aggressively shaking a jar of bees*
god: WAIT-
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police officer: i'm pulling you over for trying to fit three people on a motorcycle
god: wait, only three?
police officer: yes-
god: shit lucifer fell off
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christian: regan is at the age where she only has one thing on her mind
god: boys?
regan and satan, simultaneously: homicide.
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regan: *tapes a knife to a roomba* go my child
satan, after tripping over the roomba: regan what the fu-