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The beginning was always the same. A rocky start, but Atsushi knew it and was braced for it beforehand. Still, that didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt by it. By being attempted to kill by the other, who had seemed so different from him back then. Someone who once he had believed was his polar opposite and and the most selfish person. That same person that in the end had died for him.
Had he been able to choose Atsushi would’ve gone back to the very moment they stopped being enemies, but reality was cruel and it wasn’t a choice for him to make; so whenever he came back was to their first meeting.
That’s why he tried to make the most out of every time. He didn’t know how many times he could go back in time and also because whenever he went back he had to go through all the hate again. Yet every time, even though he gave his everything, something somehow went wrong and Akutagawa ended up trading his life for Atsushi’s. Despite how many things he changed or how many people he warned, Akutagawa’s blood ended up painting Fukuchi’s blade and his body getting cold in the ground.
In one of those comings and goings, he had tried to get help from Dazai, who seemed to notice something was off about him. His response at his explanation petrified him: “That must be his fate then. You can’t go against fate,” he said.
That brought Atsushi to a realization, he couldn’t rely on anyone else. He was the only one who could go back, he was the only who could change the world’s and Akutagawa’s fate.
After arriving at that conclusion Atsushi decided that his best shot was by making sure Akutagawa didn’t fight Fukuchi at all, but every time there was this force, probably Dazai or maybe Atsushi’s own weakness, that always drove him to the battlefield.
This cycle repeated itself for some time, because even though Atsushi didn’t have a better plan, he never stopped trying. He couldn't.
In time, however, the cycle began to shift; although, Akutagawa’s destiny remained the same, the result of the fight changed. His sacrifice ensured their victory, with his death they won against the enemy of the world.
“It should be enough, shouldn't it?” Atsushi asked himself multiple times then, but the answer was always the same: “it’s not.”
That answer made him go back again and again, believing there had to be a future where they could defeat Fukuchi and the price wasn’t Akutagawa’s life. But the more he did, the more he was proven wrong. There wasn’t a future where those scenarios coexisted.
Driven with desperation he went with Dazai once more, and once more he left disappointed with the answer.
“Supposing what you say is true, you still can’t do anything. Going back will change nothing. Why the sudden change of heart with Akutagawa? He hated you. What is one life against everyone else's?”
Everything, he thought.
“I don’t trade lives,” he said.
“Have a safe trip, then.” That was the last time he talked to that version of Dazai.
Traveling became routine and despair a recurrent feeling. Every time he went back a little bit of hope and some sanity abandoned him, but that didn’t stop him. He felt like even if he stopped there wasn’t anything left there for him anyway. That wasn’t his reality anymore. Atsushi was living in a different time.
It was hard to pinpoint where exactly his morale began to shift and Akutagawa’s life became a priority instead of a condition, but in one of those many trips he found himself going after Fyodor instead.
He knew he couldn’t take the page from Fukuchi, he had tried and failed several times already, but the russian was a whole different matter. Fighting wasn’t the only available option with Fyodor. It may as well have been before, but desperation and loneliness could do so much to a person that even the once righteous boy was willing to use unorthodox methods now.
The man wasn’t even hard to find, not with how many possibilities he had seen before.
“I didn’t plan this encounter to be this soon,” Fyodor said when he cornered him in an alley.
“I did.”
“Were you that eager to meet with me?” The older man smirked.
“You could say that. I have business with you.”
“Do you?” Amusement still was predominant in his tone. On the other hand, Atsushi grew more and more impatient with every second that went by.
“Save it. The book, where is it?” Even though he tried to conceal it Fyodor’s expression was affected by those words. Atsushi noticed it.
“Pardon me?”
“Don’t play dumb. I know about the book and either you have it or you know where it is.”
“Say, I do. Why would I tell you? You don’t even kno-” Atsushi cut him.
“I do. I know. I know about DOA, about the plan, everything, and I couldn’t care less.”
“Oh. Now you have my full attention.” He was amused again. Good, he could use that.
“The plan, the terrorism, everything. That’s what Fukuchi wants, not you.” The other was startled upon hearing his boss’ name. Clearly he wasn’t expecting the boy to know that much.
“And what do I want?” The russian tried to put on a façade.
“You hate abilities and their users. You want them to disappear.”
“And where that doesn’t align with his plan?”
“It does, but you're not seeing the bigger picture.”
“How so?”
“Why would you erase them from Yokohama where you could erase them from all over the world?”
“That would be ideal, yes. Sadly, I no longer have access to the book.”
“I’ll get it for you. Tell me where it is.”
“And why would you?” Fyodor was intrigued. There was no way to conceal it nor denying of it.
“News flash, I hate this reality as much as you do.”
“Well, that’s a surprise, but like I said, I know longer have access to it or do I know where it is.”
“But you did. In the past.”
“Is that how you…?”
“Yes. Now tell me.”
“And how do I know you won’t use it to obstruct our plans?”
“You don’t, but now that I got the hang of this, I can keep coming back and trust me I’ll be persistent,” Atsushi threatened, and it wasn’t an empty threat.
“Considering the unappealing possibility of repeating this moment over and over, and the lack of brightness in your eyes, I think I'll take the offer. Do you have paper and pen with you?”
Atsushi gave him a strange look but reached out his back pocket to fulfill the request. He always carried them for the detective work, Fyodor probably knew that too.
“You see, I remember quite well my time with the book” he said as he wrote “for I created something precious on this date with it.”
After he was done he handed the paper back to Atsushi who stared at it for a moment and went back to the written time and location.
He appeared in what seemed a wooden cabin. In the room he was in there were only two pieces of furniture on sight: a shelf that couldn’t handle one more book and a desk with it’s chair. Other than that, and the books sprayed all over the floor, the room was empty.
As silent as he could Atsushi made his way towards the desk when the door opened.
“Hello, there.” A younger Fyodor greeted him. He immediately put his guard up.
“No need to be scared. I’m in a good mood today,” he said, approaching the desk and grabbing the book that was laid there. “But I’m most curious about how you got here.”
Atsushi studied the situation. Maybe I could take him down and run with the book, he wondered, but soon realized that in the end it would be the same because he didn’t know how to use it, and since he already managed to convince him once, he decided to collaborate with Fyodor.
“You sent me here,” he replied.
“Me? But I have yet to meet you Atsushi Nakajima.” It was way before The Rats in the House of The Dead attacked Yokohama but Fyodor already knew about his existence. Atsushi had expected that much from him.
“Yes, future you did.”
“Really? I didn’t know time traveling was within the weretiger’s powers. I would’ve paid much more attention to you otherwise.”
“Neither did I until recently, but here I am.”
“There you are, indeed. Tell me something about the future, then. Something me-related.”
“You will attack both leaders of the Port Mafia and the Armed Detective Agency and drive their organizations to fight against each other,” he spat without a second thought. He needed to appeal trustworthy to the other.
“Well, that’s quite the accusation,” Fyodor replied after a while “but I can’t say you are wrong. I did plan that.”
“So you believe me?”
“Say I do, what does that matter to you? Aren’t you here to stop me?” He inquired.
“No, I’m here to warn you.”
“About what?”
“In the future you don’t have the book. You won’t be able to get a grasp of it again, this is the last time you’ll have it.” He thought that if he had gotten this far, he might as well manipulate things enough to play in his favor. Lying was the lesser of his crimes right now.
“Once again you amaze me, Atsushi Nakajima. I didn’t even believe you knew about the book.” The admiration in Fyodor’s tone wasn’t faked, that much was clear. What Atsushi didn’t know if it was for his knowledge or his actions, but it was all the same for him. He was a means to an end.
“I also know about its power and what you want to do with it. This is your last chance to accomplish that,” he kept on bragging.
“And what is that?”
“A world free of sin, free of ability users.”
“I’d give you my thanks, but I still don’t know what you intend.”
“Same as you. A world without abilities.”
“Really? You might as well get something with this new world,” Fyodor was testing him. He knew that, but he had to fall in that trap.
“Ryunosuke Akutagawa gets to live a long life,” he said finally.
“By your side? I thought you were enemies,” the other teased.
“However he pleases,” Atsushi cut him. If there was something that wasn’t selfish about this whole scheme, that would be what he wanted for Akutagawa. It was sincere, he didn’t pretend to gain anything from it and wouldn't be mocked for that.
“Ever heard what they say about wishes? That you only should ask things for yourself,” Fyodor insisted. Atsushi was losing his patience.
“Whatever. Will you do it?”
“I just finished a project, let me stretch my legs and I’m in.”
The so called project ended up being the creation of the man he had known as Sigma, the casino manager. Atsushi found about it over a cup of tea which was weird in every sense of the word, but not quite as cooperating with Fyodor to reset the world. Plus, the man seemed proud about his accomplishment. It made sense that he wanted to share it with someone before everything was altered, even if he wasn’t the most chatty person.
After they finished their cups and put them away Fyodor sat on the desk, opened the book, dipped a pen in some ink and began writing; all in that exact same order.
Atsushi watched the other man write over his shoulder. He couldn’t recognize the characters so he guessed it was Russian since that was Fyodor’s country and he was familiar with the English alphabet. He stood there for half an hour, not quite sure if he could trust what the other man was doing, when eventually he realized it was pointless and moved a bunch of books aside to sit on the floor.
He watched the other write for a while. Fyodor never looked his way or stopped the process. He didn’t realize when he had fallen asleep but when he opened his eyes again Fyodor was no longer writing and instead was staring at him.
“Done,” he said and he shut the book. Atsushi then raised and took a few steps towards the other man, but before he could reach the desk the earth beneath his feat began to shake and soon his vision went black.
He woke up to a ceiling that was different from the one at Fyodor’s cabin which made him realize that the plan had failed and he had gone back in time and now was at the agency dorms; probably to repeat his and Akutagawa’s first encounter one more time. He sank a bit more in the futon when he noticed that it wasn’t his and neither was the room he was in.
Atsushi then stood abruptly and left the room to encounter a well furnished living room that clearly wasn’t his to immediately go back and search for something that told him where he was. He went through the closet where he found a bunch of white shirts and fewer black pairs of pants like the ones he usually wore. That’s when realization struck him.
“It worked,” Atsushi said for nobody to hear. Quicker than anything he had done so far, he got dressed and left the apartment.
Please be there, please be there. Was his internal monologue when he was making his way to where the agency was supposed to be. Lucky for him, it was there, just not quite as he remembered it.
There were typewriters on every desk, books all over the place. A publishing company, he observed.
“There he is, my favorite underling,” a familiar voice greeted him.
“Dazai?”
“Be a dear and take this to the deposit for me, yea?” He said as he placed a very heavy box in Atsushi’s arms.
“Dazai, what’s going on?” He asked, still not convinced that what he was seeing was reality.
“What do you mean?”
“Why are we doing this?”
“Because we have to work to get money and this isn’t a bad job.”
“Yes but the Agency-”
“Agency? Are you planning on switching careers? I thought you liked your job.” There was disappointment in Dazai’s words. Could this be for real? Atsushi asked himself.
“No, I’m not quitting, sorry,” he said, deciding on playing the role he was assigned for now.
“That’s good. I like having you around,” his mentor said, going back to what he had been doing before.
“Dazai.” The other stopped upon hearing his name. “Do you know someone by the name of Akutagawa?”
“The mafioso?”
“The what!?” Atsushi couldn't hold back his surprise. The possibility of Akutagawa existing in this supposed new world and keeping his old job was too much for him to bear.
“Sorry.” Dazai laughed “It’s just an inside joke we have. He is from a group of authors that’s kinda hard to deal with, so we call them mafia.”
“I see…”
“Why do you ask?”
“I...I’d like to meet him,” he confessed, almost shamefully.
He had told himself back at Fyodor’s that there was nothing selfish about his request and it was for Akutagawa’s sake alone. He had been wrong. It was clear as the day right now because more than anything he wanted to personally go see if that wish had turned into truth.
“You know, this isn’t quite ethical,” his mentor said opening a drawer and pulling out a brown folder and placing it on the desk “but I never heard you say you want anything and you are a good guy, so here is his contact info. Just don’t let him know you work here when you ask for an autograph or picture, okay?”
“I won’t. Thank you.”
Once Dazai left the room Atsushi placed the box on the floor, deciding that work could wait and he had more important things to take care of now. He opened the folder and screened through the info till he found an address. He didn’t even bother closing it, after having memorized it he just raced to the door.
Halfway towards Akutagawa’s residence he realized how convenient was that most of Yokohama's structure had stayed the same which allowed him to easily navigate through it when that line of thought was replaced with his soon-to-be-reunion.
Or first encounter, is it? He wondered as he ran.
He got to the port not as quickly as he would with his tiger form but quick enough. He caught his breath and instantly walked to one of the apartment complexes. He rang the bell.
“Who is it?” A voice he would recognize anywhere answered. A voice he had missed.
“Eh, I…” Atsushi stumbled upon his words.
“If you are selling anything I’m not interested.” Akutagawa said, and he hanged. Atsushi thought he had truly earned his nickname but found comfort in the fact that some things remained the same; even if it was Akutagawa’s bad temper. He then rang again.
“What?” The irritation in his tone was more noticeable this time.
“Um, I’m from your publisher.”
“Oh, uh sorry I guess. But it is your fault for not saying it earlier.”
It’s really not, Atsushi thought.
“So, are you gonna tell me what you want? I already met my deadline,” the other demanded.
“I know,” he lied “I was hoping we could talk. In person.”
There was silence on the other side of the line.
“Please?”
“Fine. I’ll come down.”
What Atsushi felt when the building gates opened and the other walked out of them couldn’t be put into words. If he had to choose one; however, he’d probably go with overwhelmed because he was, in every way that was possible for him to be.
“So, what was so important that you needed to see me in person?” Akutagawa said and it took all Atsushi had for him not to break at that very moment. That would’ve been a weird first meeting, he didn’t want to creep the other out.
“I’m here to check on you,” he finally muttered after he gained composure.
“Is that a thing the company does now?”
“Yes.” He had decided lying was the easiest way to figure his way in this new world. At least for now.
“Well shit, you must be selling well, then. What do you want to know?”
Fortunately for Atsushi in this reality he still carried everywhere a notepad and pen with him, so he pulled them out to make his farce look more credible.
“Hum, how are you?”
“Like emotionally?”
“Yes, but also physically,” he said and Akutagawa immediately gave him a weird look. “If you are sick or something like that” he hurried to add.
“Well I have asthma, but I don’t know why in the world you’d want to know that, though,” Akutagawa said, unaware of how much relief that gave Atsushi. Knowing there was nothing threatening his life, whether it was a person or a sickness, brought him peace.
“We care about all our authors,” the younger one reassured the other.
“No shit. What else is on the survey?”
“Hm, are you happy?”
“I guess. You sure as hell are a weird company but I guess you guys are okay.”
“And in general?”
“Yes. I am happy.”
That was the confirmation he had been expecting. The reason he put everything at stake for, even reality itself. There was no point in him being there anymore, now the rest relied and was for Akutagawa. Atsushi would be true to himself in that sense.
“Good. Hm, thank you for your time.”
“No problem.” After hearing that he slowly started taking steps in the direction he had come from.
“Hey newbie.” The other called and Atsushi turned to face him. “So you are a newbie. I didn’t get your name.”
“Sorry, I’m Atsushi. Atsushi Nakajima,” he bowed in apology.
“Haven’t I seen you before Atsushi Nakajima?”
“I don’t think so.” Not that you’d remember, he thought.
“Really? Aren’t you a fan of mine?” Akutagawa insisted.
“What? No!”
“You sure? Because I will find out if somebody posts on the internet that I'm asthmatic and happy.”
“I'm telling you I'm not!”
“I'm just messing with you,” Akutagawa admitted.
“Oh,” Atsushi felt his cheeks heat up.
“But I'm sure I know you from somewhere, and I will remember.”
“Okay?” he awkwardly laughed. Was this really Akutagawa?
“I'm serious, Atsushi Nakajima. I have all the time in the world to think since my next deadline is in six months,” the author said innocently and Atsushi succumbed to an agony he hadn’t felt ever since he woke up in this new world.
His vision suddenly became blurry and his heart rate accelerated. Physically he was there, but in his mind he was having a completely different conversation. In six months I’ll kill you. I don’t have much time left. Those were the phrases that haunted his mind.
“Six months?” Came out of his mouth before he could do anything about it.
“What? Is my deadline sooner?” His worry must’ve spread to the other because there was now preoccupation in Akutagawa’s tone.
“No, sorry. I just remembered something. You are good.” You do have all the time in the world, he reminded himself. There is no hurry, he cooled down.
“You almost gave me a stroke.”
“Sorry. I guess I'll see you in six months. Have fun, ‘remembering.’”
“You have that little faith in me?”
“Eh?”
“I'll remember sooner. And when I do I will stop by to tell you. It's not weird, right?”
“No, of course not” he rushed to answer, excited to meet Akutagawa in these terms. “We know each other, it's not weird.”
“So you admit it!”
“I better leave, I'm no good keeping secrets.”
“In that case, I might drop by tomorrow,” the other suggested. His heart beated faster at the threat. Not that he would admit it.
“I'll see you soon then, I guess.”
“You will.”
After that exchange they parted ways. From there, Atsushi returned to the office and Akutagawa most likely to his home. He couldn’t know for sure, he didn’t look back to check. He walked a slower pace than he probably should’ve considering he had been skipping work. He stared at the immensity that Yokohama was but couldn't find many differences at first glance.
Still, he knew he would eventually find out what had been the consequences of his selfish act, so right now he would rejoice in the fact that wishing for somebody else didn't always bring despair. In this reality Akutagawa was safe and sound.