Work Text:
What Stays
Alex stepped into the living room, immediately greeted with the scent of baking chocolate. So it was another one of those days apparently. He poked his head in the kitchen, noticing Izzie covered in chocolate frosting, standing behind stacks and stacks of muffin trays.
“Mommy is baking again,” Alexis stated, greeting her father.
Alex nodded his head, noticing how Izzie hadn’t even looked up long enough to see them. “Yeah. She is.” He squeezed her tiny hand. “Go find your brother and see what he’s up to okay?”
She nodded excitedly, bounding out the back door calling Eli’s name. Alex turned his attention back to Izzie, scanning the messy kitchen. Baking was her silent plea for help and he knew that. “Hey.”
She looked up, swiping at her cheek with her wrist. “Alex. Hi. Hey. You’re back.”
He nodded. “Yeah.” He peered at her quizzically. “Are you planning on feeding a village later or something?”
Izzie stared at him, but was interrupted by the oven going off. “Finally. That batch is done.” She whirled around, shoving her hands in oven mits before carefully extracting the tray out of the oven. She dropped it down on the counter. “Perfect...wait, no. No. These aren’t good enough. Damn, the cake rose too high. I need to make another batch.”
“Izzie,” Alex said, trying to snap her out of whatever had her so flustered. “They look fine. You have plenty...more than plenty. Put the flour bag down.”
“You don’t know that,” Izzie returned. She huffed, blowing a strand of blonde hair from her face. “You’re not a muffin expert or anything. At least you weren’t years ago but who knows...maybe you’re secretly a baking wizard and I just don’t know because it’s been years since we’ve actually seen each other’s so it is entirely possible right?”
“I mean, I’m not. I still can’t frost a cookie to save my life so that hasn’t changed,” Alex teased, trying to lighten her mood. “What’s going on with you? You’re stress baking...stress baking in bulk.”
Izzie studied him for a moment. He wasn’t the same young jerk intern she used to know. He’s older now. He’s changed and she’s changed. Everything has changed and that is the problem. She pulled off her oven mitts, slapping them down on the counter which led to the puff of loose flour showering down on her. “I was gonna wait until tonight after a long leisurely dinner but if I don’t do this now I’m worried that I might bake until there is no room left in this kitchen.”
Alex watched her walk out from behind the island, quickly untying her apron. “Do what?”
She disappeared into the bedroom, leaving his question unanswered. He heard drawers opening and other background noise.
She walked out, dragging a hefty suitcase behind her. She set it in front of him, setting a piece of paper on top of it. She met back up with his confused look. “It’s a plane ticket. It’s your ticket home to Seattle.”
“What?”
Izzie sighed, glancing away. “I want you to go home.” She forced a smile on her face. “I want you to go back to Seattle and tell your wife about the kids.”
“You packed my stuff?” Alex asked, looking at the suitcase.
“Yes. I did,” Izzie confirmed with a firm nod.
“Are you kicking me out or something? Did I piss you off somehow and that’s why I’m getting the boot?” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you getting back at me for how we left things all those years ago?”
“No,” Izzie snapped in frustration. She brushed a hand through her blonde hair. “No Alex. I’m not mad and I’m not punishing you. I’m doing the opposite.” She glanced behind her, making sure their children were still out in the backyard and away from this conversation. “I’m not kicking you out of my life. Alex, you’re married. You have a wife and you’re here and it’s been amazing…so amazing but you have to go back to your life and tell Jo about them.”
“I told you I wasn’t ready yet,” Alex reminded. “That hasn’t changed.” He looked past her and over at the kids, smiling. “I’m their dad Iz. I wanna spend every second with them.”
“And you can. You will.” She motioned her hand back down at the ticket. “After you go back to Seattle and tell your wife...you can come back with her. We can figure out how this will work. She needs to know.”
Alex turned his attention back to her, giving her the look he always did. The one that spoke volumes and made it seem like she was completely irrational. “You don’t want me here?”
“No. God, Alex, of course I want you here,” Izzie exclaimed, raising her voice. “That’s the problem. That’s what has me this frazzled. I don’t want you to go at all and it physically pains me to think about it.” She paused, willing her emotions to stay under control. “This time with you here...with our kids...it’s been amazing. It’s been a dream but that’s all it is.” She pointed between them. “You and me...us...it’s not reality. It’s not real. What is real is your life back in Seattle...your marriage Alex. You are married and I am here, happy and content with my life. You are someone else’s husband and we haven’t been each other's lives in years. This just can’t be real.”
“But it is,” Alex argued. “Those kids out there...they are ours and they are real. You have my kids Izzie. What is wrong with enjoying that?”
She splayed her hands. “Everything. Absolutely everything Alex.” She shook her head. “I have your kids, yes. They are the best thing that ever happened to me and that’s because of you. I’m thrilled that they love you so much and I want them in your life more than anything but it’s not just your life Alex. It’s a life you share with a woman you love. Jo’s your wife Alex.”
“I know,” Alex replied.
“Do you?” Izzie whispered. “She thinks you're with your mother but you are here with your ex wife and secret children. I just don’t want to ruin this for you. God, I don’t wanna be the girl who destroys yet another marriage.” She nodded her head back to the suitcase. “You should go and tell her. Then you both can fly out here and we can figure out how we’ll make this work. We will make it work Alex.”
“I don’t need to tell Jo yet,” Alex sighed.
“Then what are you going to do? Wait until they are off to college?” Izzie retorted. “Alex, you can’t stay here anymore. It’s been long enough and we can’t keep this up any longer.”
“Why can’t I just stay Iz?” Alex asked. “Those kids...they’re amazing. This place...it’s great and you...you’re amazing too. Why would I leave?”
“Because I’m falling in love with the idea of this family,” Izzie admitted. Tears welled up in her dark eyes. “Alex, seeing you with our kids...seeing the joy you bring them...I couldn’t ask for anything more. I love coming home to you everyday and I can’t feel that way because no matter how hard I try to ignore it...there is too much baggage and history.” She reached over, gripping his hand and tapping her nail against the gold band. “You’re married and so much time has passed between us. I’m not the same intern I once was and you’re not either. So much has happened and we missed out on it and I can’t ignore that. Everything is different now.”
“It doesn’t feel different,” Alex replied, stepping back from her hold. “I thought it would. I thought walking in this house would make me never wanna return but it’s not like that. I look at you and it doesn’t feel like I haven’t seen you in ages. It just feels like you’re Izzie Stevens and I’m Alex Karev.” He looked at her, right through her. “You feel that way too Iz.”
“You love your wife,” Izzie stated, shaking her head. “You love your wife Alex.”
“I do. I love Jo.”
Izzie nodded, biting the inside of her cheek. She knew that fact but it still hurt some hidden part of her. “I’m glad Alex. I am so happy you have her because all I ever wanted was you to be happy and I’m truly grateful you found that person.” She wiped at her cheek, hoping he wouldn’t notice the tear and just think it was because of the leftover muffin ingredient on her face. “I want you to have everything. Everything that makes you happy so that is why I booked you a flight to Seattle for tonight. Jo needs to know about Eli and Alexis. You two need to have a conversation about all of this. We can’t live in this fantasy life anymore. It’s gotta end eventually Alex.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me,” Alex retorted. “I know what I need to do and this stunt or whatever isn’t enough to convince me.” He rolled his eyes. “I thought you were happy I was back. I thought you wanted me here but clearly you’re just looking to push me away like you always freaking do.”
Izzie narrowed her eyes. “Are you kidding me? You think this brings me joy? You think it doesn’t hurt me to shove you back to your wife? It hurts because seeing you brought back so much past crap. I love you Alex. I never stopped and I probably never will stop. I love you so much that I’m putting away all my feelings so you can be happy and Jo makes you happy!” She stormed away, cleaning up the counter. “I’m trying to do the right thing here. I’m trying to keep you from making a dumb mistake by ruining your marriage. I don’t want you to lose everything just because you're wrapped up in this because Alex, one day all of these feelings will wear off and you’ll wish you had your old life back.”
Alex stared at her. He eventually shook his head. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Izzie felt the boiling hot anger reach the surface. She forgot how much Alex pissed her off with his stubborn attitude. She forgot how much of an ass he could be. “What in the hell is wrong with me!?” She narrowed her dark eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you? That’s the better question. You don’t get to come back into my life and insult me when you’re the one lying to your wife! I don’t have the problems. You do!”
Alex matched the anger as he leaned across the counter. “Really? I didn’t just blurt out my feelings just like that!” He pulled away, rubbing his hands over her face. “You can’t say that crap to me! You can’t mess with my head like that Iz...not after the hell you put me through!”
“I put you through!?” Izzie snapped, gesturing to herself. She was really grateful the kids were outside instead of witnessing this brawl. “You called me! You called me to help Mer and I did...in a heartbeat, I did! I never once gave you any reason to think I wanted you back! You came here. You met the kids. You’re the one who has a wife yet you’re here with me!” She whipped the oven mit at his face. “I’m the one trying to end whatever the hell is going on between us and forcing you back to your wife!”
“You’re the one who freaking just said that you loved me!” Alex challenged. “I’m married...we haven’t been in touch in years and my life was so good before that stupid phone call. You’re ruining everything!”
“For admitting my feelings?” Izzie asked. She rolled her eyes, shoving the suitcase at his legs. “You’re right Alex. I don’t love you...I hate you! Is that better? You’re an ass and I was an idiot to even try and have an adult conversation because clearly...you aren’t capable of that!” She lowered her voice, not wanting to waste any more energy on this. “Just go. Just get on that plane and be with Jo and leave me the hell alone. Get out Alex.”
He shook his head. “You can’t just kick me out.”
“I can,” Izzie argued. “Go say goodbye to the kids and get on your flight. Tell Jo she’s a step mom and we’ll go from there. I’m done.” She went to walk away, turning in the doorway. “And for the record, the last thing I ever want to do is ruin your life.”
:::
Izzie sat at her desk, tapping her pen against her chin as she studied a tumor. She had to admit that she wasn’t focused at all. She kept thinking about Alex. God, she couldn’t believe she was right back where she started. She was once again the young intern pining over Alex.
She had so many regrets. She wished she never gave him the time of the day all those years ago because she could have avoided this pain. Maybe her life would be so different but she wouldn’t have his kids and that’s something she could never regret.
She sighed, running her hands over her face. She hated that she still cared about him...that she loved him. She was glad he was happy. She was genuinely relieved he found someone like Jo because as much as she tried to hate him, she never could and she didn’t want his life to be miserable without her. Jo Karev was good for him and she did the right thing. She knew she did but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
She was about to involve herself in watching Alex’s happy ending without her and that wasn’t something she was prepared for but she was going to do it because it was Alex. She’d do anything to make him happy even if he made her miserable and distracted half the time.
She heard footsteps in her doorway. She didn’t bother to look at her intern as she kept her face buried in her hands. “Rachel, I’m not in the mood for whatever you want...just finish monitoring my post ops and take the night off.”
“I didn’t come here to be put to work.”
Izzie looked up from her hands, seeing Alex in her office. He had his suitcase by his feet and he looked angry? Upset? She didn’t know and she didn’t really care right now. She wiped her face, hoping he wouldn’t see the tears running down her face. “What are you doing here?” She studied his demeanor. “Listen Alex, it’s fine. You don’t have to stand there and apologize. You can go and get on your flight.” She forced a small smile, going back to figuring out the ins and outs of the tumor in front of her. “We’ll talk when you get home so just go. Everything is fine between us.”
He shook his head, laughing a little. “I didn’t come here to apologize, Izzie.”
She rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to fight anymore Alex.” She pushed the blonde hairs framing her face behind her ears. “I’m dealing with a monster tumor so I don’t have time for whatever this is.”
“Make time,” Alex bluntly replied. “Because you just don’t get to tell me you still love me and then expect me to just fly back to Seattle like that conversation never happened so the tumor can wait.”
She narrowed her eyes. “Tell that to the cancer.” She looked back down. “As for the “I love you” part...I wasn’t thinking. I was caught in the past. I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry I even opened my mouth in the first place so if that’s all you want...you can close the door behind you.”
He walked closer to her. “So you didn’t mean that? It just flew out your mouth because you were feeling nostalgic?”
She looked up at him. His eyes were filled with curiosity, maybe even hurt. “What do you want me to say Alex? What’s going to make this easier for you?” She leaned back in her chair. “Because no matter what I say or do...it’s not gonna change our situation...it’s not going to take us back in time and erase the last ten years apart. I have your kids. You are married. Go and catch your flight.”
“You are so frustrating,” Alex muttered. He started pacing the length of her office. “First, you drop this bomb on me that we have children together…”
Izzie went to defend herself and explain that situation again but he cut her off before she could. “And I know I signed that document...that’s not the problem. The problem is you having my kids. You...Izzie Stevens...the one woman I broke all my own rules for. I let myself fall for you when I swore I never would. I married you. I wanted kids with you and now I suddenly have the life I dreamt about when we were married but I’m now married to Jo. I’m now arguably the best peds surgeon in Seattle but some freaking how...I am here in this country town with you and our children and I’m….frustrated.”
“I’m sorry,” Izzie whispered. She didn’t really know what she was apologizing for. She wasn’t sorry about their kids or falling in love with Alex. She wanted to be sorry but she just wasn’t. “I know this is a lot.”
“It’s so much more than ‘a lot’.”Alex scoffed. “It’s you. Of all the women I could somehow have kids with...it’s you. You, and that is so much more than a lot. That’s impossible.” He pointed at his head. “That’s messing with my head. That’s screwing up everything. You’re screwing up everything for me.”
“I didn’t call you,” Izzie reminded, still watching him pace and rant. “You called me. I never wanted to uproot your life like this. I just couldn’t lie to you about the kids once you called. That’s something I wasn’t willing to do to you. Maybe that was where I went wrong.”
“No. No,” Alex argued. “I’m not saying I wish I didn’t know about the kids. I love them Iz. I really freaking love them.”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I don’t know!” Alex huffed, watching Izzie visibly react from his outburst. He combed a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. I don’t know what I’m doing. I should be on that plane right now and I’m not. I’m not. Instead, I’m here in this room with you and all I can think about is how truly screwed I am.”
Izzie glanced at the watch on her wrist. “You can still catch your flight...maybe.” She looked up at him, grabbing her phone and swiping through. “Look, I can book you another one that leaves in an hour.” She flashed the screen at him but he didn’t even acknowledge it.
“You’re not hearing me,” Alex stated.
“Yes. I am. I’m ruining your life...I should never confess how I feel and that you want our kids. I heard you. I get it and I’m sorry okay? I don’t know how to make this right for you so at least let me get you back to Seattle.” She turned her attention back to her phone. “I’ll book it right now.”
“Iz.” He reached over and plucked the phone from her hands, forcing her attention back on him. “You told me you love me. You said those words to me. I am married.”
Izzie looked away in shame. “I told you...I didn’t mean that. I was caught in the heat of the moment. I didn’t mean it so just forget I ever said it Alex.”
“How can I? How can I do that?” Alex asked. “You meant it...I can see you meant it but god Izzie, I’m married. I haven’t seen you in years and I…” he ran a hand down his face. “You...us...it’s a mess. This...this is a mess. This is a huge big mess.”
“Why can you just forget about it?” Izzie asked. “You’re right. We are a mess. We were from the beginning and it’s probably best we split.” She fixed her hair. “You were right. You’re better off without me so just go and tell Jo okay? We’ll figure something out with the custody.”
“I can’t,” Alex spat. “I can’t. I can’t just...not after...god, what am I going to do?” He dropped his head in his hands.
Izzie leaned forward. “You are going to get on that plane and go home. That’s what you’re going to do. You’re gonna forget about us and me and you’re gonna tell Jo about our kids and we will go from there. That’s what you're gonna do Alex.”
He shook his head. “This is such a mess.” He looked back at her. “You’ve made everything messy Izzie.”
She was starting to become frustrated with him. She understood his life was turned upside down but she was sick of him blaming her for the mess when she was trying to fix it. “What is the big deal Alex? Get on your stupid plane and go back to Jo so I don’t mess you up anymore.”
“You told me you loved me!” Alex exclaimed.
“So!” Izzie retorted, matching his frustration. “I say a lot of stupid things! I didn’t mean it okay? I don’t feel that way!”
“But I do!” Alex finally admitted.
Izzie froze, blinking up at him. “What?”
He shook his head, rubbing his temples. “I was at the airport okay? I was doing what you asked and making the reasonable and responsible decision. You’re right, Jo would make a great step mom to the kids. She’d love them and they’d love her. You two would probably get a long real well but there’s just one big problem.”
Izzie just swallowed the lump in her throat. She never expected this. She never imagined they’d get to this place again and as much as she wanted to listen to his speech, she was terrified she wouldn’t be able to go back. “Alex.”
“Shut up,” Alex replied in his gentle manner. “You got your time to speak your stupid feelings so now it’s my turn.” He paused, waiting to see if she’d still try to interrupt him but she never did. “I just kept thinking about you. I would have to see you everyday and live this lie for the rest of my life. I mean, these last few weeks have been hard enough trying to not make a huge mistake and I can’t live that way.” He looked away, sighing. “I don’t want to hurt Jo. I really don’t but if I push her into this life with you...I’m going to. I’m going to screw up Iz. I know I will because being around you is impossible. It takes all my willpower not to kiss you or touch you and I do love Jo.”
“I know you do,” Izzie barely whispered, trying to process everything he was saying.
“I love her. I always will and she is so good to me. She loves me more than I deserve but Izzie...,” Alex explained. “I should make the decision that isn’t going to uproot my life and ruin others. I should shove every single feeling I have for you down and just be the good guy Jo deserves but I can’t. I can’t make that decision because as much as I tried not to….I’m still in love with you and I thought I stopped. I really thought I did for the longest time but now you’re here...in my life looking just like you and all I want to do is kiss you.”
Izzie looked away, willing the tears back. She couldn’t hear this. “Alex, you’re just caught up in nostalgia and I’m the mother of your kids. I want you in their life but I don’t want you to be with me just because you don’t want to spend any time away from them. I don’t want you to settle and be with me.”
“I’m not settling,” Alex replied. “Izzie, I‘ve never loved anyone the way I love you. I thought the time apart would change that but it hasn’t. Nothing changed. We are older now but my feelings are the same.” He stepped closer, sitting on the edge of her desk. “If it was just about the kids...I’d be on the plane.”
“Your life is in Seattle,” Izzie whispered, shutting her eyes. “Mer. Your job...Jo. You can’t...no Alex.”
“I can get a job here,” Alex stated. “Mer can come visit.” He touched her face. “I can do all of that here Iz.”
“And Jo?”
Alex paused.
Izzie knew what he was going to say so she pulled her face away. She stood, walking away from him trying to create some distance. “No. No. I can’t…” She ran her fingers through her hair. “I’m not going to be the reason your marriage ends. I can’t be that girl again. I can’t do that to Jo. I won’t do that to you. I’m not an option.”
He paced closer to her. “You love me Izzie. You said that and I love you too.”
“I know. I do love you which is why I’m not letting you give up everything for me,” Izzie replied, backing against the door since she had nowhere else to go. “Alex. Please. Don’t put me in this position.”
“Too late,” Alex whispered, grabbing her face and kissing her the way he wanted to since he got to Kansas.
“Alex,” Izzie gasped against his mouth, fighting the urge to sink into his embrace. She pulled away. “We can’t...not...you’re married.”
Alex dropped his head with a sigh. “You’re right. I don’t want to do it like this but I am serious about staying here...if you’ll let me.”
She was completely torn. Every part of her wanted him back in her life but she didn’t want to ruin everything for him. She didn’t want to destroy Jo Karev. “Alex…”
“Iz.”
“I...are you sure?” Izzie whispered. “Are you one hundred percent sure you want me for me and not the kids?”
He nodded. “Yes. You’ve never been anything less than everything to me.”
“Okay. If...you want to stay, you can but before anything can happen between us...you need to tell Jo and finalize that because I don’t want us to hurt her anymore than we have to, okay?”
He nodded. “Yeah. That’s a good idea.”
————
The End!