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The battle had been long and hard, far from all the ways in which Scott Summers had prepared for it to go. Now seated in the medical bay tending to his broken ribs and his wounded pride over having been bested by the enemy, Scott found himself at a turning point lost in the aftermath of a battle gone wrong. After all his planning everything had fallen to pieces damn near costing him his team in the process when they enemy had nearly gotten away with the young mutant they were trying to save.
“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath when Hank inspected the stitches on his ribs, working to clean Scott up after their battle nearly two weeks earlier when he’d wound up with broken ribs and shrapnel embedded in his left side.
In the aftermath, he’d been ready to return to battle and track down the enemy, but Hank had forced him to stay behind with mandatory bedrest to heal. That had been the hardest as nothing hurt worse than not being there for his team when they needed his leadership. They were counting on him and in being forced to sit on the sidelines, he didn’t know what to do with himself.
“That should help,” Hank replied stepping back and taking the time to admire his stitches. Peeling the latex glove off his oversized fingers, he discarded them in the trash bin before turning his attention to his reluctant patient once again, “Now you need to focus on resting.”
“But the team…” Scott opened his mouth in protest.
“They can handle themselves without you,” Hank promised encouraging his friend to heed his doctor’s advice and simply rest up, “Now quit arguing and try to sleep. I’ll have some pain pills brought in to help with some of the aches, but for now try to clear your mind. Try not to think about everything that happened.”
“It’s not that easy Hank,” Scott frowned feeling an ache swell up in the center of his chest when he thought about the upspoken things he hadn’t shared with Hank about his pain.
“Scott…” Hank’s sympathetic eyes said it all as Scott knew full well that his private conversation with Jean on the Blackbird after the battle hadn’t gone unnoticed by the others. It had been the worst oversight in both his professional and personal life and with his friend’s eyes upon him, Scott knew there was no avoiding the inevitable outcome of his failures.
Despite the nature of the conversation, Jean had made a full display of making their problems a public matter when a bleeding, broken Scott lay at the back of the jet, struggling to breathe evenly enough to refrain from puncturing his lung with the broken rib. The entire time Jean was at his side holding his hand and sobbing, which from the outside seemed like something anyone who knew them would’ve anticipated, but what Scott and the others, had been surprised by were the words that had fallen from Jean’s trembling lips and tear-filled eyes.
“We came so close to losing it all today Scott,” Jean sobbed harder as her hand squeezed over his fingers, “That battle went so wrong and…”
“I know, but I’m going to be fine Jean,” Scott had promised her. He was in agony, but instead channeled his energy into her opting to push his concerns for her on the front burner in bypassing his own worries about his health. Instead of concentrating on his aches, he was plagued by guilt as it pained him to see Jean in misery, to find her caught up in her own fears over what had transpired on the battlefield.
“I know you are,” Jean forced a sad smile in between harsh, labored breaths, “I know you’re going to be alright Scott, but…”
“What?” Scott questioned sensing something was off with his longtime companion.
“It’s just that…I’ve been wanting to say this for a while, but I haven’t found the courage to be honest with myself or with you for that matter,” Jean choked up on her words. She reached out to touch the side of his face before revealing a heaving sob, “Today we all almost lost our lives and knowing how close we came to death’s door, it got me thinking about the importance of time. We all think that it is going to be on our side forever, but then something happens that shakes it all up and you realize what is important in your life. You see the value in the things around you…”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Scott struggled to answer when he could make out a faint hissing sound originating near the center of his chest. It indicated that perhaps he’d been wrong about his rib not puncturing his lung. Hell, the more he thought about it, the harder it was to breathe in the moment, “That’s why I wanted to say that…”
“For the first time in my life things are finally into perspective for me,” Jean explained stroking his cheek when tears spilled down her face.
“I feel the same way Jean,” Scott answered in a pinched hiss knowing that the pain he was feeling couldn’t quite be right, “After today it made me see that I need to be more prepared to deal with these kind of threats. I owe it to the team to be more proactive about…”
“As much as I care about you Scott, I’m just not in love with you anymore,” Jean blurted out with an overdramatic, shuddering bellow.
“I know that I’ve needed to work on things, but…” Scott stopped himself when the weight of her words carried over him, “What?”
“I know that the timing is off,” she continued with tears streaming down her face, “I wish I could say that I felt differently, but now that we’ve come so close to losing it all, I realize that I’ve been playing it safe for far too long. I’ve just been biding my time waiting for the opportunity to present itself and it wasn’t until today when I saw you on the battlefield bleeding out that it hit me…”
“What hit you?” Scott questioned feeling as if his heart had been punctured with her words as well.
“That we’re just wasting time with one another,” Jean lowered her head shamefully, “and when I saw you on the ground it was the first time in a long time that I felt relieved in knowing that I’d finally be free. When I thought you wouldn’t make it…”
“You felt relief in the idea that I could die?” Scott’s words came out in a pinched hiss. He tried to control his tone, but there was a squeak that broke past his lips and a sharp hiss that pushed out of his abdomen indicating that things weren’t going well for him.
“I know that makes me a horrible person, but…” Jean choked on her words. She released his hand in favor of wrapping her arms around her slender frame, “When I envisioned the rest of my life without you, I realized that it was the first time in years that I’d felt the possibility of peace in my life. For an instant it all flashed before my eyes and I saw myself finally taking a chance on love—real love in my life and not hiding behind the obligation that we’ve pushed upon each other.”
“So, you’re saying that…” Scott swallowed down hard struggling to make sense of Jean’s damning words.
“I’m in love with Logan,” Jean explained desperately, “For the first time in my life I’m not afraid to own up to that. I want to be with him Scott. A part of me always did, but then when I died, I never got the chance. It was the one regret that I had, but now…well, now we have the opportunity to share something together and I don’t want to waste it. I want to tell him how I feel and…”
“And Logan? Have you been able to speak with him since he left?” Scott questioned apprehensively. He attempted to twist on the place he’d been stretched out across the jet, “Does he feel the same way? Is he also in love with…?”
“I sure hope so. We’ve both been skirting around the issue for years. There’s always been this attraction between us, but my obligation to you always stopped it from happening,” Jean reached for Scott’s hand again, “I’ve waited so long, but because of us, I couldn’t follow my heart.”
“I see,” Scott spoke up behind gritted teeth.
“You can’t imagine how hard this has been on me,” Jean continued oblivious to the pain that now surrounded Scott in thinking about how hard he’d tried to reconcile Jean’s return and return to their life together. Despite his other obligations, he’d felt that he owed it to her to be a good husband, but now in seeing her bare her soul to him, he found himself wondering what it was for when she squeezed his hand again, “Maybe this isn’t the right time, but I knew if anyone would understand what I’m saying, it’s you Scott. You’ve always been my best friend and…”
“Right,” Scott choked feeling something warm and salty in the back of this throat indicating that things weren’t going as he’d anticipated.
“I’m ready to be free and I hope you understand Scott. It’s better this way,” Jean’s words still haunted him as he pulled himself from the memory of the past to the present where Hank was watching him with worried eyes.
“You know that she didn’t mean it Scott. Everything she said that day wasn’t her,” Hank attempted to diffuse the situation again. Knowing just how hard it had hit Scott before he’d been taken in to surgery, his friend had tried to buffer the blow that Jean had delivered him, but the damage had already been done, “The chemical that was in the air when the enemy struck caused her to say those things. Had she been in her right mind…”
“She wouldn’t have had the courage to be honest with me,” Scott finished poignantly. Lowering his head, he let out a long sigh unable to ignore that pain that still reverberated over him, “She was speaking her truth because they’d simply peeled away the barrier she’d placed to hide it from me.”
“Scott…” Hank squeezed Scott’s knee supportively, “you should rest.”
“I’m happy for her Hank,” Scott blurted out knowing how hollow the words sounded. They were a blatant lie, but they were what the team needed him to say, “She’s wanted this for a long time…”
“Scott…” Hank began again.
“I hope she and Logan are happy together,” Scott finally closed his eyes behind his glasses hoping like hell to hide the pain that carried over him, “They deserve that.”
“Scott, I really don’t think that…” Hank squeezed his knee again.
“I think I’m ready for those pain pills now,” Scott decided expelling a slow, uneasy breath, “I’m actually quite tired right now.”
“Sure Scott,” Hank relented releasing Scott’s knee, “but if you need anything…”
“I know who to call,” Scott answered with a weak smile knowing only too well that sharing his misery was the last place he’d wanted to be. Right now the only thought that settled him was the one in being alone.
Dreams of a life before Jean’s return haunted Scott, taking him from pain to downright misery in remembering the years he’d built his life beyond the one he’d created with Jean. When she’d died it felt like the end of an era for him, but with it brought a freedom—one that Scott had never truly imagined for himself after he’d lost her. He’d become a different person, who’d gone in a vastly different direction, but in her return, he’d been reminded of his duty, of his obligation to be the kind of husband she’d required and he’d pulled back from his new beginnings. He’d distanced himself from his new life and in turn, he’d wound up on the receiving end of an empty hope for a future that would now never be his. In his mind, he could see his dreams slipping away further from his reach until finally he woke up in a cold sweat, drenched in memories of a love that he’d bypassed in favor of being the man everyone had expected him to be.
“Hey,” he heard a low, raspy voice whisper to him through the darkness.
Even with his trembling body, the voice soothed him. It put him at ease in ways he hadn’t expected when his dreams surrounded him with misery. His lower lip was trembling, his skin on fire, but the one thing that kept him grounded was the firm, gripping fingers that surrounded his hand holding on as if letting go simply wasn’t an option.
“Slim?” he heard the voice question as he turned towards the source of the sound only to discover Logan in a chair perched over the side of his bed. He squeezed Scott’s fingers harder raising Scott’s fingers to his own cheek before leaning into the touch, “Hey…”
“Logan?” Scott questioned blinking behind his glasses, wondering if his mind had conjured up the fantasy of the man that he’d once discarded in favor of holding onto his first love, “Are you really here?”
“Where else would I be?” Logan leaned in closer to Scott’s side of the bed. He brought Scott’s fingers to his lips and offered up a soft kiss when his eyes filled with tears, “I got back earlier the morning and when Chuck told me what happened when I was gone…”
“I…” Scott opened his mouth to say something further, but found himself at a loss when the tears fell freely from his tormented mind, easing over his cheeks when his heart ached at the memory of the man he’d attempted to push out of his life, “I’m so…sorry… I’m…”
“Shh…” Logan half pleaded squeezing Scott’s fingers again, “I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”
“But you…” Scott opened his mouth to say something about the strange situation they’d found themselves in with one another, but before he could convey his thoughts, he realized that Logan had crawled into bed beside him.
“It’s okay Slim,” Logan promised carefully taking Scott into his arms and kissing the top of his head. He urged Scott to slide in closer, coaxing Scott to lean into his strength as Logan held him on the center of the hospital bed, “I’m here now.”
“But I thought that…” Scott found himself at a loss in knowing all the ways that Logan should hate him for his stupid decision to try to be there for Jean.
“I heard about Red,” Logan whispered gently running his fingers up and down over Scott’s bare arm. The movement caused Scott’s skin to flush, his body to respond to the way that Logan’s touch had readily set his mind at ease. Snuggling into Logan, Scott forced himself to forget about the reality that surrounded him long enough to savor the comforting touch, “Hank told me what she said on the jet. He said she’d been under the influence of the chemicals that…”
“She meant it Logan,” Scott sighed leaning his head on Logan’s shoulder, “She’s in love with you. Always has been.”
“Yeah,” Logan cleared his throat uncomfortably, “about that…there’s a bit of a problem ahead for her if she feels that way because the thing is that while I was away, well, I got to thinking about my own life decisions.”
“Logan, I’m so sorry that I forced you to feel like you had no choice, but to leave. When Jean returned things were complicated and…”
“You were trying to do right by the girl you fell in love with years ago,” Logan interrupted his apology, “I hated when you told me you were staying with her, but leaving put things into perspective for me.”
“Apparently that’s been happening a lot lately,” Scott mouthed somberly doing his best to ignore his aching heart.
Closing his eyes, Scott took in Logan’s scent considering how Jean’s words had hit him harder than he’d imagined in leaving him wondering if Logan would find a way into Jean’s arms. Would Scott finally being out of the picture be motivation enough for them to give in to temptation? Would Logan be with Jean to spite Scott for his refusal to walk away from Jean in her return or worse would Logan feel the same way about Jean as she did for him? Was Scott the one thing that had kept them apart for all the years that had passed?
“The thing is Slim,” Logan broke through Scott’s tormented, troubled thoughts, “while I was away, I realized that no matter what Jeanie or anyone else thought about me, I wasn’t on the market anymore.”
“I…I don’t understand,” Scott answered angling his head up towards Logan.
“See, the thing is that years ago I met someone,” Logan explained reaching out to touch Scott’s cheek, “I tried to pretend that they didn’t mean anything, but after years of trying to play catch up with one another we finally found a way to be in the right place at the right time. For the first time that I can remember it felt right and it took me leaving to realize that I need that in my life Slim. Jean can think she loves me all she wants, but as it stands, I’m spoken for. I have been for a while. That’s why I came back.”
“Oh,” Scott attempted to detangle himself from Logan’s arms. Feeling suddenly foolish in allowing Logan to hold him, Scott turned away on the hospital bed. He pinched his eyes closed harder hoping like hell that his feelings wouldn’t reveal themselves in facing the idea of losing Logan all over again even if it hadn’t been to Jean, “in that case I’m happy for you.”
“Are you?” Logan questioned reaching out to squeeze Scott’s shoulder, “Are you truly happy Slim?”
“No,” Scott answered honestly. He choked up on the words, too stubborn to reveal his heart until the moment when Logan’s arm eased around his waist to press in against his spine. Wordlessly Scott’s legs parted allowing Logan’s knee to slip between his thighs as he’d done not that long ago when it had just been the two of them. He felt Logan’s lips graze over the back of his neck, barely touching his skin when Scott let out a small, unforgiving breath, “I’m not happy Logan. I haven’t been happy since I let you walk out of my life. I knew it was a mistake then and it feels worse accepting that now. I never wanted you to leave.”
“We did what we thought was right Slim,” Logan reminded him with a warm breath cascading over Scott’s shoulder, “We wanted to do right by Jeanie…”
“…and we failed because all she really ever wanted was you,” Scott revealed an ironic laugh, “You were always on her mind. You were what she always wanted.”
“Too damn bad,” Logan decided curling his finger underneath Scott’s chin. With a soft nudge, he coaxed Scott to turn around and face him again, “because all I’ve ever wanted was you.”
“What?” Scott questioned. He twisted in Logan’s arms, attempting to look at his former lover when the words struck a chord inside of him, “Are you saying that…?”
“I never stopped loving you Slim. No matter the time or distance between us that never changed,” Logan explained moving in closer to him, “I went to Japan to run away from it all, but as soon as I saw the news about what happened on that mission, all I could think about was coming home to see you again—to make sure that you were alright even if it meant having to deal with Jeanie’s presence in your life.”
“Obviously that won’t be a problem for you,” Scott added with a pained laugh, “because right now I think I’m the last person she wants to see considering that…”
“I don’t care what she wants because I want you,” Logan assured him with a soft, patient tone in his voice, “I told her as much when she met me upon my return.”
“You what?” Scott twisted on the bed causing a pain to shoot up his body when Logan carefully repositioned him on the bed again.
“I told her that I wasn’t interested—that I never really was because after she died the first time you and I both realized it was never about her,” Logan explained pushing his fingers into Scott’s hair. He carefully repositioned himself hovering over him with skilled precision and restraint, “It was never about her Slim. We both knew full well that what we did with her was merely a cover for what was really happening with us.”
“I know,” Scott answered arching his head up towards Logan, “Even though we fought like hell to ignore it…”
“We couldn’t avoid the truth between us. We still can’t,” Logan dipped down to offer the faintest brush of his lips over Scott’s, doing his best to refrain from putting any weight upon his injured lover.
With a light nibble and a slow nudge of Logan’s fingers over the side of Scott’s face, Scott opened himself to the kiss, reveling in the warmth of Logan against him, home again after time spent apart. Reaching out through the darkness, Scott’s arm surrounded Logan’s shoulder, encouraging Logan to deepen the kiss as it was clear that the misery Scott had been drowning in was replaced by the warmth of the passion Scott had denied himself for far too long in the name of duty.
“Logan,” Scott breathed against Logan’s lips wanting more than anything to remain close to the man he’d forced himself to go without.
“I’m getting you out of here Slim,” Logan promised touching the side of Scott’s face, “Emma’s got one of her private jets fueled up and ready to go—to take us anywhere we want to go if you say the word.”
“You want to leave?” Scott questioned in surprise.
Logan nodded gently pressing his thumb over Scott’s plump, bottom lip, “You need to heal Slim and you aren’t doing that here. I think it would be best if we give you the chance somewhere else.”
“But…” Scott opened his mouth to protest but found no reason to argue. Instead he dropped his head back onto the pillow beneath him and let out a long sigh, “I’m not going to be much in terms of company considering that I’m still recovering and…”
“Hank gave me your meds and a specific list of instructions when I told him that I was sweeping you away to paradise to recover,” Logan teased moving in to offer up a quick kiss, “Emma promised that anywhere you wanted to be we can go no questions asked. No matter how far was in the works for us just as soon as Hank cleared you to go, we could just do it. So, what do you say?”
“Logan…I…” Scott found himself at a loss when he finally nodded knowing only too well that he was useless to the rest of the team in his condition. He swallowed down hard, unable to mask the tears that carried over him in having Logan at his side again after he’d foolishly walked away from their relationship a few months earlier, “I’m sorry. If I could take it back, I would, but I promise you that I’m never going to hurt you like that again Logan.”
“I know,” Logan smiled down at him, “and after you heal you can spend the rest of your life making it up to me.”
“It’s just…” Scott choked up on the words when he found his heart revealing itself through the darkness to his estranged lover, “I love you Logan. I’m sorry that I led you to believe otherwise when Jean returned.”
“She does this thing when she’s around,” Logan shook his head dismissively, “You stop thinking about what’s best for you and force yourself to do what you think the world expects out of you. You try to be the boy scout to appease her needs, but it’s time we focus on yours.”
Before Scott could answer Logan scooped him up in his arms, carefully repositioning Scott in such a way that his wounds were protected in his lover’s embrace.
“I’ve already packed you a suitcase and it’s on the jet,” Logan explained cradling Scott in against his chest, “All you have to do is say yes. If you say the word we can get out of here and push all of this behind us once and for all. We’ll deal with the aftermath later, but for now let’s work on healing us.”
“I’d like that,” Scott agreed laying his head on Logan’s shoulder when it seemed that perhaps there was finally a place in his life for second chances. With Logan’s arms around him, Scott used his strength to reach out to finger the hair over Logan’s jawline, “I love you. Always have.”
“Always will. I love you too Slim,” Logan’s lips curved upward in the beginnings of a grin. Without hesitation he tilted his head down, skimming his mouth over Scott’s in a slow, lingering kiss.
With each touch, the kiss expanded sending warmth over Scott’s body centering in over his abdomen to other places that had felt cold and devoid of life in Logan’s absence, but now in Logan’s arms, Scott found himself at ease ready to face the future with the man he’d foolishly discarded when life had forced his hand. With his arm around Logan’s shoulders and his weak body pressed in against Logan’s chest, he knew full well if he was true to his heart with Logan at his side anything was possible. Perhaps Jean had been right about one thing after all. Life was too short to be holding back on his love for the man who’d changed his world in ways he never imagined possible.