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Richard didn’t know what happened all that time ago on a certain June morning but what he did know is that Thomas wore leather cuffs around his wrists and that he battles with depression and anxiety everyday. Richard also knows more of Thomas’ traumas than anyone else and he would keep that information safe for all of eternity. He knows of the little things that his lover likes and dislikes then he knows his favorite and least favorite things but he doesn’t know what lays beneath the leather cuffs and today was the day. They’ve been together for nearly a year and they both know nearly everything about each other, not to mention Richard moved to the village and took over Bates’ job, who had retired to rest his leg, just to be closer to Thomas.
He assumed this topic would be a delicate one so he planned to approach it as such. There wasn’t much thought put into the plan though as he was just going to ask why he wore the cuffs and see if Thomas was willing to open up. The two share a room so it would be easy to catch a private moment together, he just had to wait till that evening after all tasks were done for the night and the servants were free to go to bed.
So the waiting game began. He didn’t act different as he had no reason to but he was clearly waiting for something. His work continued, he cleaned his Lordships clothes and shoes along with dressing him. He made sure to take care of himself by eating a healthy amount, to bathe when he had free time, and shave. Another one of his tasks was to make sure his lover was taking care of himself as well.
Thomas used to be really good at taking care of himself because it was a part of his schedule and he had Mr. Carson looming over him but ever since that morning in June he’s been slacking in that department. He remembers to shave and bathe as he must do that for the sack of his employers and appearances but he purposely feeds himself less for multiple reasons, one of them being that his appetite never quite returned after June. Another thing he does is that he keeps himself busy during the whole of his waking hours. He would run himself into the ground but now Richard is there to remind him to breathe and take breaks as well as drink water or tea. Today was no different, he’d get a low whisper from beside the shell of his ear to remind him to go downstairs and read for a bit or a hand to the middle of his back and a soft smile before being quietly reminded to get a drink of water. Richard is always very sweet with his reminders, not caring if they get caught because he knows that the family truly doesn’t care about Thomas being queer so why would they care about their relationship, especially if it’s making Barrow into a better person.
Richard and Thomas walked up to their room together. They were silent as exhaustion hung thick in the air, this didn’t change the plan Ellis had in mind as their current states might open up for more conversation since exhaustion meant less energy for barriers. Thomas took a seat on his bed, patting the space beside him as he could tell his partner has a question.
“Why do you wear the leather cuffs?” He asks, his tone gentle as he studies his lovers facial features while taking a seat beside him. He’s not a very soft spoken person but when around Thomas his voice just gets softer. Now, his curiosity only grew as he pulled his sleeves down a bit to reveal the edges of brown leather.
It seemed Barrow had lost his ability to speak as he just stared at the leather. His eyes were saddened as he realized that he could no longer keep what lay beneath secret, that he could no longer hide what he had done all that time ago, and that it was time for his final secret to be told.
“I tried to kill myself a few years ago,” he replies, sighing softly, his eyes never left the edges of the cuffs. “Well I tried a couple of times within that year but only two attempts left scars hence the cuffs.”
His heart felt heavy with this news but at the same time he wasn’t shocked. One of his assumptions was that scars lay beneath those cuffs and of course scars are caused by injuries which could be self inflicted or someone else gave him them. He nods and reaches over to let his fingertips brush against the smooth leather.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” he pauses to catch his gaze, “But, may I see them?” Richard has always been a very patient man, a very kind and patient man. He was willing to wait as long as it would take if it meant Thomas was comfortable when sharing information about himself. He would never pressure him to do or say anything and would always be a support for him.
Thomas was quiet and still for a few moments, wondering if he should spare Richard the sight of the nasty scars or if he should trust him. The decision was actually quite easy when he put it that way cause of course he trusts him, he’s his everything and more. He pulls off the jacket of his livery and places it beside him before undoing his cuffs and removing his vest then his button up which left him in his undershirt. This also revealed the whole of the cuffs which cover almost all of his forearms. The leather is relatively thin so it won’t show through the sleeves of his livery but it's thick enough to be sturdy. The laces are on the underside of the cuffs and are pulled tight and the excess is tucked under the laces. He unties the knot at the top and then begins to loosen each cross section of lace until it is loose enough for him to pull his arm out of the cuff. He was just going to show him one since they were nearly the same on both arms.
There are multiple sets of scars, the first two are small but were clearly deep, they were only on the inner part of his wrists and sat side by side with each other. The other three were much messier as if he was panicked when he did it. They went down most of his forearm hence why the cuffs are so large.
Richard reached out but paused, looking to Thomas, who was staring at him, for permission. It took him a moment to realize why he was being stared at and nodded. Rich looks back down at his lover’s forearm and lets his fingertips graze the rough patches of scar tissue. He lets his fingers roam, feeling and tracing each of them until his hand takes Thomas’. He lifts his arm up and gently kisses along each scar. This was a show of how much he cares for his lover, scars and all.
“I love you, sweetheart,” he whispers into his skin. “And I love every part of you.”
He bit his bottom lip and lowered his head, words had abandoned him. He was shaking a little bit from the sensation but otherwise there wasn’t much movement from him.
“Thomas? Are you alright?” He asks, concern slipping into his mind.
He looks up to meet his gaze. “Just fine, love, you just caused words to flee my mind.”
“I’ll take that as a good thing,” he smiles, kissing one of his scars once more.
“Mhmm,” he hums, watching him with soft eyes. He was so in love with Richard, he was everything in a man he could’ve wanted and more, hence why he’s all and he’s more. Of course he had his anxieties but he was deciding to just live in the moment and enjoy his time with Richard, whether that would be for the rest of their lives or for a few more months.
The two part after sharing a short kiss and change into their night clothes. Thomas sits quietly for a moment before removing his second leather cuff, he had decided to give his arms a break from them for the night.
Both men are quite tall and relatively built but even with that, they shared a bed for the night. It was only unusual because of the beds being meant for one person though they made it work as they just wanted to be close to each other.
Richard was happy, the night had gone well and there was no pain or issues, just their overwhelming amount of love for each other. He slept well that night, as did Thomas which is because they always sleep better when in a bed together. It was a slight reprieve from their busy life, one they enjoyed every second of.