Chapter Text
Bakugo is completely and utterly lost.
Not physically. He knows where he is, no matter how much he wishes he didn’t. He’s standing in the rain, surrounded by crying classmates and heroes, but theres one class mate that isn't here. One classmate that never will be here again. Because he’s dead.
Kirishima is dead.
The day of his funeral comes fast and hard and Bakugo feels as though he’s being assaulted by its very existence. He can’t shake the feeling that this shouldn't be happening. This cannot be happening.
Kirishima can’t be dead because, well, because he’s him. That unbreakable smile, that unbreakable resolve. That undeniable light he brought to everyones life, no matter how hard they tried to keep him at bay. Bakugo knows that better then most.
Bakugo wasn’t going to come. He wasn’t going to stand around with a bunch of extras who thought they knew Kirishima. Who thought that they had lost someone.
They hadn’t.
They didn't see who Kirishima really was. How much better he was then everyone else on this god damn planet without even trying. They had no idea. The Kirishima they think they knew pails in comparison to who he really was. Bakugo knows that, and as he watches these people cry for someone who they don’t even know, he feels angry. If they're crying for a blurred fraction of Kirishima's true being, then imagine how someone who actually knew him feels.
Imagine how Bakugo feels.
He came because everyone kept telling him he should. They say it'll do him good, give him some closure. Bakugo wants to scream at them because how the fuck is watching his best friend being buried going to fill this hole in his chest that threatens to consume him at every moment.
No one understands how much Bakugo hurts and that makes him livid. If he has to hurt, then why can't they?
And then Bakugo remembers all the times he got to spend wth Kirishima. All those times when Kirishima would smile at Bakugo like he was everything and Bakugo would shake his head and look away with a vibrant blush on his cheeks, because that smile is much too honest for someone as cowardly as him.
Bakugo hates himself for that. He should’ve held that gaze and soaked up ever aspect of Kirishima’s glowing person, taken full advantage of the boy whilst he was there - whilst Bakugo still had the chance.
All those times that Bakugo got to hear that laugh that was so captivating that anyone who heard it had to join in, even him. All those times when Bakugo go to see him break, got to a secret hidden side to Kirishima that showed his vulnerabilities and concerns. Bakugo felt so lucky that he could see this side, this honesty that Kirishima didn't show anyone else.
A guilty pride would swell in Bakugo’s chest when the red head would come to him in tears because Bakugo knows that this is for them. This is something that only the two of them have and only the two of them get to see, and Bakugo found himself all too willing to return the favour.
The relationship they had was unbreakable and Bakugo knew he’d found his soul mate. It didn't matter if neither of them were bold enough to confess how much they liked it when their hands grazed together as they walked, or to explain the nights in each others arms, or to bring to the others attention the painfully obvious attempts at flirting, because they both knew that neither of them were going anywhere. They were going to be together for ever and Bakugo found himself so unexpectedly content in that knowledge.
Except they aren't going to be together for ever because Kirishima is fucking dead.
The others don’t hurt as much as Bakugo because he got to see those sides to Kirishima that no on else did. He got to experience and appreciate this boy like no one else will ever have the opportunity to, and that's why Bakugo feels like he’s dying.
On bad days, Bakugo finds himself wondering if it was worth it. If getting so close, letting his walls down like he did only to have himself blown to pieces, was worth it.
But every single time the thought crosses his mind, he pushes it away just as fast because of course it was. Every single second he spent with Kirishima was worth all the pain and Bakugo knows he would feel it all again for just one more smile.
The funeral is dark and grim and Bakugo laughs to himself sourly because Kirishima would've hated it. He would've hated everyone that’s crying and he would've hated how it's raining and how everyone is dressed in such dark colours.
Bakugo hopes that wherever Kirishima is now, he’s not watching. Bakugo wants to shout and scream and yell at everyone to stop crying. To stop feeling sorry for themselves because this isn't about them, it’s about Kirishima.
But he doesn't say anything because he doesn't trust himself to open his mouth without crying and Bakugo doesn’t want to be like them. He isn't on their level.
He wont let Kirishima down like they all have. Bakugo’s different.
Thats why he can't breath anymore, right?
His parents are standing next to him, Mitsuki showing an unnatural gesture of sympathy with a hand around Bakugo’s shoulders and the blonde can't decide if i't's helping or suffocating.
Bakugo looks over at Kirishima’s parents and immediately wishes he hadn't. They look so broken. Kirishima talked about his mum constantly and Bakugo can see why. They are so similar in how they behave, their mannerisms carbon copies of each other. Same wide accepting smiles and same burning red eyes.
Those eyes look so dull now, and Bakugo has to look away because it's too similar.
Kirishima’s dad is a tall, cold man that Bakugo has never liked. He reacted horribly when Kirishima came out to him, and since then, Kirishima hasn't been home for the holidays.
Bakugo looks at him now and he curses the tears on his face. He wasted the time he had with his son, letting his prejudice and hate get in the way of getting to know who Kirishima actually was. If his dad could've gotten over his sons sexuality, then he could've prevented missing out on the most wonderful life that, Bakugo would be willing to bet, has ever existed.
He'll will never forgive Kirishima’s dad for that.
His classmates are here too, cuddled together throughout the crowd, leaning on each other for support as they cry and stare in shock. Kaminari, Mina and Sero have found each other, leaning into each other's arms as they sob together.
Bakugo was with them when they found out the news of Kirishima’s death. He has seen how they reacted and he wished he hadn't, because he doesn't think he’ll get Mina’s scream out of his head, or the sound of Denki’s knees slamming into the floor, or the look on Sero’s face, mouth agape and quivering with disbelief.
He knew they were hurting, but Bakugo couldn’t bring himself to pity them because his own pain was – is - so completely consuming that there is no place for anything else. He knows its selfish, but they didn't love Kirishima like he did.
Bakugo had just left the room. He saw the way the class looked at him then, how they look at him now. They’re worried and it makes Bakugo so fucking mad. He doesn’t need their sympathy, he doesn't want it. Their sympathy isn't going to bring his best friend back.
He'd spent the first week after he found the news in the training room, abusing his limbs until he couldn’t feel them anymore, and then he kept going.
People came to see him but he didn't talk to them because they wouldn't understand. They couldn't smile at him and tell him it was going to be okay. They couldn't hold him through nightmares with soft hands and even softer words. They couldn't make him believe that the hole in his chest would one day close.
So, Bakugo shut them all out and focused on his training. If Kirishima doesn't get the opportunity to be a hero, then Bakugo would be the best there ever was, and he’d do it for the boy he loves.
It had been on a mission with Fat Gum, that's what they were told. Some villain that Kirishima should've been able to take down, but he didn't. For some fucking reason he hadn't made it back from a simple mission and now he’s gone.
Bakugo tries not to blame Fat Gum, but he does. He found himself at the agency after days of training and when he saw the man that killed his best friend, he went berserk.
He screamed and he cried and he kicked and he punched and he blasted anything he could get his hands on. Fat Gum stood and watched, only raising a fist to defend himself, watching Bakugo break with a sympathetic look in his eyes that only made his rage flare with even more vigour.
He wanted to show him just an fragment of how much he was hurting, because fuck, Bakugo had been told about grief, but no one had ever told him how much it would physicallyhurt. Just how much of a challenge it was to breath easy again.
Fighting Fat Gum, if you could even call it a fight, was the first time Bakugo cried about Kirishima.
The funeral ends and Bakugo goes back to the dorms without saying a word. He slumps through the door and he turns off the lights and tries to figure out a way in which he can keep living without Kirishima.
After deliberating, Bakugo finds that there simply isn't a way that he can.
He has nothing now Kirishima's gone. His dreams and aspirations have fallen flat on their face now he has no one to share them with. Kirishima had taught Bakugo the value of other people and the Bakugo that once appreciated that gift, now curses it to hell because it’s that gift that has left him feeling so utterly helpless.
Bakugo leaves his room and heads to the roof of the school. A life without Kirishima isn’t a life Bakugo wants. He wants his friend back and is willing to do anything for it.
Kirishima is the only one who fully understood Bakugo. He brought Bakugo out of himself without trying to change who he is, and Bakugo is forever grateful for that. Truly, he is. But he can't keep going if the one person who will ever really be there for him, the one person he loves, is gone.
As Bakugo stands on the edge of the roof, he feels cool air ruffle his hair and a small smile falls on his lips as he remembers the feeling of Kirishima’s hands running over his scalp.
He remembers how calm he’d been and how, when he looked up, he was immediately met with that smile and those eyes and that- it's too much. It's far too much because how is Bakugo meant to keep going when he’s gone? When everything that makes him happy has been ripped away from him in an instant.
Bakugo is crying now, his own hands gripping his scalp as he sobs and howls, leaning agains the railing around the roof as he lets his body collapse.
Bakugo Katsuki can do a lot of things, but he can’t do this.
He swings a leg over the rail, whole body raked with tremors that make him think he’s going to fall before he gets the chance to do it himself.
He doesn't want this dull life that is so severely lacking in red. He doesn't want anything to do with it. Bakugo will run from it with everything he has because holy fuck it is so hard to breathe without him.
His arms aren't there to hold Bakugo strong anymore; how can anyone expect him to keep going if he doesn't have those arms.
He isn't like Kirishima. If Bakugo died, no one would care. The only person who would is already gone, everyone else would be happy to see the back of him. Pleased to finally be rid of that obnoxious brat that's too full of himself to even acknowledged other people.
The bully. The asshole. The prick of class 3-A. It would be better if he was gone.
If Kirishima was still here now, if he was still alive, he would have noticed the blonde’s absence immediately and ran to find him.
Bakugo feels his eyes close as he sees Kirishima’s disappointed face, how he would run to him and pull him to safety before he could even try. He can hear Kirishima calling him a 'damn idiot' and holding him into his chest as Bakugo sobs.
He doesn't want Kirishima to be disappointed with him, he doesn't want him to be mad or to worry.
Bakugo lets his eyes open and looks down below him. Bakugo wants to make Kirishima proud, how can he do that whens he’s a splat of organs on the ground?
Bakugo cries louder, knowing what he’s about to do. He turns, his back facing the drop, and swings his legs back over the rail, feeling his body collapse to the floor as he hits the other side, and leans back against the rail as he sobs.
He want’s to join Kirishima so badly, but he can’t. He has to make him proud. Kirishima would be so pleased with him if he got through this. If he becomes a great hero and saves people like Kirishima wanted to.
So, when his mother finds him, sitting too close to the edge of the roof, sobbing like she’s never seen him do before, he doesn't complain when she wraps him in her arms. He doesn't complain when he gets sent to therapy, and is pumped full of pills so he can’t feel a thing.
He doesn't complain when he graduates without his best friend by his side like they had always dreamed about, and he doesn't complain when he walks into his apartment, alone.
He doesn't complain when Midoriya asks him to join his agency and he doesn't complain when he’s not number one because he’ll get there. He will be a great hero, doing everything in is power to do so, and he will do it for Kirishima.
It was hard. Bakugo found himself on rooftops like that many times, everything that is good reminding him of that one thing that he craves for more than anything.
The red in the sky whilst the sun sets, the touching of skin on skin, a chewed pencil, a song from way back when. Everything leads back to Kirishima and sometimes, it's too much.
When Bakugo is more then ten minutes late for work, there’s always a panic, and Bakugo has so many missed calls it makes him want to throw his phone into a river and drown with it.
He guess a response like that is part of the reason they worry.
Bakugo knows he should feel bad about the amount of times people have had to talk him down, but he can't bring himself too because he is in so much pain.
Bakugo is still here though. He’s kept going, despite all odds. He still has friends, Midoriya and Kaminari have stayed particularly close, since they all work together.They’ve had front row seats to watching Bakugo destroy himself, and there’s nothing they can do about it because they're not him.
They never had the ability to do what Kirishima could, calming Bakugo down before he causes too much damage. They just have to watch as Bakugo comes into work every day, a little less whole than the day before.
Who ever said grief gets better was full of shit.
To say Bakugo is a mess is an understatement. He is a shell of his former self.
Today, Bakugo is going to visit Kirishima. He goes a lot, finding some weird serenity in being with his friend again, even if he’s six feet under.
He knows Kirishima can’t hear him, Bakugo doesn’t buy all this ghost shit, but he talks anyway, telling his friend about his day; how annoying Midoriya is, or something that Kaminari did that he knows Kirishima would've found fucking hilarious.
Sometimes he just sits there, just needing to be with someone who understands. The comfort he gets from a stone in the ground is ridiculous, but Bakugo doesn't care, because any sort of respite from the hole in his chest is readily accepted.
Bakugo stops off at a flower shop on his way, as he always does. He picks red hydrangeas, his most common purchase, because they mean appreciation for being understood. Bakugo makes his way to Kirishima grave, gripping the flowers in his hand so hard that the stems dig into his palm.
As he walks, he passes a convince store that has Newspapers out front. He quickly glances over them, wanting to think about anything else. He looks past the articles about celebrities and Hero’s and whatever the hell Endeavor is up to now he’s in retirement, and his eyes catch a rather daunting headline that sends shivers down Bakugo’s spine.
‘Keep your kids indoors!: Reports of Kids with Powerful Quirks going missing. - The reports of Kids going missing have been steadily increasing over the last couple months. We hold out hope that these kids are alive and that no life has been taken too soo-’
Bakugo stops reading the article and keeps moving.
He feels bad for those parents of the kids who have gone missing. At least, with Kirishima's death, there had never been any cruel hope that he might still be alive.
Bakugo makes a promise to himself to go see Kirishima’s mum again soon. He goes there at least once a month, to check up on her.
After the divorce, Bakugo made sure to not leave her alone for too long. Bakugo likes spending time with her because her smile reminds him of Kirishima, and Kirishima's mum has told Bakugo that she finds comfort in his presence, saying that knowing Bakugo makes her feel closer to her son.
They sit and share stories of Kirishima. They cry together and they laugh together, and Bakugo makes sure to bring her flowers every time. Red ones.
Bakugo arrives at the all too familiar grave minutes later, and lays the flowers down at the head. The ones from his last visit are still there, wilting away with exposure and time.
He sighs and sits down at the foot of the mound, wringing his hands together as he breathes.
“Hey Ei.”
The silence that surrounds Bakugo's words aren't a surprise, but still hit him square in the chest and knock the wind out of his lungs.
Bakugo is quick to fill it, not waning to think too long about why it's quite, but instead, telling Kirishima about his day.
How the thoughts were bad today and how he couldn't stop thinking about the funeral. How he wasn't going to do anything stupid, and instead, had made plans to go visit his mum again.
“I see your mum more then my own.” Bakugo grins, the laugh in his tone so foreign to him. It doesn’t matter though, because he’s allowed to feel again when he’s with Eijirou. He allows himself that much.
When the sun starts to set, Bakugo says goodbye to Kirishima, kissing his fingers before laying them atop the stone. He turns on his heel and starts his walk home.
Just another thing he has to do without his best friend at his side.