Chapter Text
Five weeks. That’s how long Hailey has been gone.
It’s been five weeks since she’d shown up at his door at midnight to stiffly tell him she was going to New York to help out the FBI for a couple of weeks.
It was only for a couple of weeks. That’s what she’d told him.
He would be lying if he said that when Hailey told him she was leaving that his heart didn’t stop in his chest. And that when two weeks turned into three then four and then five, he didn’t feel like he’d been punched in the stomach? Well, he’d be lying then too.
Because the truth is, he feels like he’s been holding his breath ever since she’d stepped out of his house that night.
And despite her assurances that she’d be back as soon as the FBI would let her, he still couldn’t shake the nagging thoughts of maybe she would like it better in New York. That she did, in fact, like how the feds did things. That she did like the extra pay and the nice suits after all.
But when she’d called him a few nights ago and told him she was absolutely sure that she was on her last case with the FBI and would be home as soon as she was finished, he couldn’t seem to wipe the permanent grin off his face and the feeling of utter relief.
He isn’t going acknowledge how much longer the past few days have seemed; even longer than they did before, or the little voice in the back of his mind telling him that she still had time to decide to stay in New York because he knew she was good police—the best, and he knew Platt was right.
The feds did have a way of holding onto good people.
He doesn’t know what he would do if he lost Hailey to New York.
In the few weeks that Hailey’s been gone, he has come to realize exactly how much he relies on her, how much he craves for her presence and not only at work, when he’s off duty too. It took her being gone for him to understand how much she filled his every day.
His heart aches when he walks into the bullpen to see her chair empty, pushed under her desk with no coat hanging from the back. He feels strange only ordering one coffee instead of two and he doesn’t like how lonely it is in his truck without her in the passenger seat.
When he’s doing his paperwork, he looks up and expects to find blue eyes that aren’t there, and he feels cold sitting on her desk without her comforting presence beside him.
And he doesn’t much like the way Rojas keeps looking at him with knowing eyes ever since Hailey left and the officer filled her spot as his temporary partner. She’s quick on her feet and she provides him with sufficient backup, but it just isn’t the same. It isn’t Hailey.
He feels like a piece of him is missing. The piece that knows what he’s thinking without words. The piece that understands him with a single look. The solid feel of her right there next to him, watching his back literally and figuratively.
A few times he’d found himself driving towards her house to see if she wanted a drink or to watch some TV only to remember she wasn’t there.
She’s in New York. With the FBI.
And God, did he miss her.
*
When Jay woke that morning, something just hadn’t felt right. Things just felt off. It was the same feeling he’d gotten hundreds of times before; in Afghanistan, in Chicago, before shootouts and raids that didn’t go exactly according to plan.
He had that feeling that something bad had happened or was about to and he just couldn’t seem to shake it even though everything seemed normal.
But his skin still felt prickly and the hairs were still standing up on the back of neck and he still heard that little voice in the back of his head whispering that something wasn’t quite right.
He pushed it to the back of his mind as he went through his morning routine of running, working out and showering, hoping that it would go away before he got to work.
When he got to the district, nothing seemed amiss. Trudy was there to greet him with her usual no-nonsense attitude and a stack of paperwork, and his friends called out cheery ‘good morning’s’ as he walked into the bullpen. Adam had just gotten there too, slapping Jay on the back as a way to say ‘hello’ before they each joined the others at their respective desks to fill out paperwork from the case they’d finished the day before and Voight was holed away in his office as usual.
The only thing that was out of place was the empty chair across from him, missing the bright smile and sparkling blue eyes.
Sighing, Jay pulled out his chair, dropping the stack of paperwork on his desk as he sat down, reaching for one of Hailey’s pens because his were always missing. He was about half a page through his report when that bad feeling flared up again, Voight coming out of his office with a hint of worry on his face.
He wouldn’t have been able to tell that something was off if he didn’t know Voight so well or if he hadn’t been hyper-aware of everything this morning. That and the fact Voight stood at the head of the room, silently waiting till everyone’s attention was on him with his hands in his pockets and that look on his face. The one that said something was wrong.
Everyone pretty much immediately picked up on the change of atmosphere; the once comfortable silence turning into a tense one with alarmed looks quickly being shared.
Jay was about to say something when Kim beat him to it, “What’s wrong, sarge?”
“I just got a call from New York.”
Jay’s stomach dropped and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He couldn’t breathe.
No. This couldn’t be happening.
Voight glanced at him before addressing Intelligence as a whole, “It’s Hailey. She got hurt last night during an undercover assignment. She’s in the hospital.”
Blood was rushing through his ears and Jay felt like he was about to pass out.
Hailey was hurt. She was in the hospital. And he wasn’t there.
When Jay remembered to breathe, he felt like he was on the verge of hyperventilating.
He’d known something like this was going to happen. It was his job to protect her and he wasn’t there. He never should have let her go without him because if he had been there, he would’ve never let her get hurt.
She was his partner.
He clenched his fists, anger filling him alongside the worry and panic. Anger at whoever the hell was supposed to be looking out for her because they obviously hadn’t done a very good job.
How could anyone be so careless with her safety?
In the back of his mind, Jay knew that it probably wasn’t anyone’s fault. He knew better than most that getting injured on the job was just par the course, but he still couldn’t help the icy fear that gripped him and the need to blame someone and the feeling that she wouldn’t be hurt if he had been there.
Because if anything ever happened to her… He would never forgive himself.
“Hurt? What does that mean?” It was Vanessa’s slightly distressed voice speaking up that broke him out of the trance he’d been in.
Jay’s eyes quickly snapped to Voight’s face. His boss shook his head in uncharacteristic concern, “I don’t know. I didn’t get the details. Whoever called didn’t know, just that she was in the hospital, but I’ve got calls in with the Special Agent in Charge of the field team Hailey’s with. I’ll find out.”
He met all their worried gazes, “But in the meantime,” Voight turned to Jay, pausing, “I want you on the next plane out of here going to New York.”
He didn’t have to tell him twice. Jay was already standing up and grabbing his coat, fully intending to go straight to the airport when Voight caught his gaze again, a slightly strange expression on his face.
A protective look that Jay didn’t entirely understand passed between them.
“Go get our girl. Bring her home.”
*
“Jay?” Vanessa hesitantly poked her head around the corner of the row of lockers.
He looked up from where he was shoveling random clothes he happened to have in his locker into a duffel bag. He had no intentions of going back to his apartment because Platt was working on getting him on the next flight into JFK and he didn’t want to risk missing the plane.
“She’s gonna be okay. You know that, right?” Vanessa’s voice was small and vulnerable in a way that reminded Jay just how new she was to the life of being a cop. Especially a cop in Chicago; in Intelligence.
But this didn’t happen in Chicago. And it didn’t happen while she was working in Intelligence. Hailey got hurt in New York working with the FBI; Without them. Without him.
She was alone and that thought by itself was enough to make Jay panic because as tough as he knew Hailey was, he knew she didn’t like being vulnerable in front of others. Especially people she didn’t know.
“Yeah, of course. I know that.” It was more clipped than he’d wanted to sound. His voice was strained even to his own ears and he knew he wasn’t convincing either of them.
Because the truth was, they didn’t know if it was going to be okay. They had no idea exactly how injured she was. Who knew? Jay might be in New York for quite a while depending on her injuries.
Or very little time. Long enough for arrangements to be made.
Jay blinked, shaking that thought out of his head as quick as he could. He forced himself to control his breathing and he could feel Vanessa’s eyes on him. That same gaze she’d had ever since Hailey left.
He refrained from snapping at her because she knew he was just as worried as he was. Hailey was her friend, and he wagered the closest thing she had to a sister so he went about his business, shoving random things he might need into his bag.
“You love her, don’t you?” Her words stopped him in his tracks.
He worked his throat; his heart picking up speed. He looked at her, “Of course I love her. She’s my partner.”
An odd little grin sprung onto Vanessa’s face and if Jay hadn’t been so panicked about Hailey, he might have asked why she was looking at him like that. That, and the fact that Trudy just appeared in the doorway behind Rojas.
“You’re on the 10:15 flight out of O’Hare so you’d better get a move on,” Her face was set in her usual stoic mask, but Jay could detect just a hint of worry hiding behind the older woman’s eyes as she held out his printed plane ticket.
Jay reached for it before grabbing a few more things to shove in his duffel, zipping it up and throwing it over his shoulder. Platt and Vanessa moved out of the doorway so he could get by.
Platt grabbed his hand, catching his eyes in a steadfast gaze, “Jay.”
Jay swallowed hard at the rare emotions swimming in the older woman’s gaze, “Call us, okay.”
Giving a firm nod, Jay squeezed Trudy’s hand before quickly turning to practically sprint down the hallway, disappearing around the corner.
Vanessa and Trudy stood there for a few long seconds looking in the direction Jay had gone. There was a quiet sniff and Platt glanced over to the young officer standing beside her with tears in her eyes.
The Sargent placed an arm around the girl’s shoulders for a quick second, “Hailey’s strong. She’ll get through it, whatever it is. And she has Jay. She’ll be fine.”
*
The plane ride was torturous.
Gut-wrenching fear consumed him, his thoughts running through every scenario he could think of.
Had she been shot? Or was it another on-the-job related injury?
If she had been shot, then where?
Did she need surgery? Was she in surgery now?
Was she scared? Was she in pain? Was she lonely?
Did she need him? Did she want him?
Vanessa’s words took over his thoughts, echoing over and over in his head.
You love her, don’t you?
You love her…
You love her.
He loves her.
Of course, he loves her. All he cares about is her.
And somewhere along the line, he’s fallen in love with her. Somewhere between longing glances, tugging heartstrings and flying bullets.
He’s been in love with her for over a year now, but he hadn’t truly realized it until now.
Not until she’d left him. Not until she’d gotten hurt and he was eight hundred miles away. Not until Vanessa Rojas looked him straight into the eyes and voiced an irrevocable truth he had been scared of.
And now, he might be too late.
What if she dies? What if she’d already died?
He muffled a sob and his leg bounced even harder much to the consternation of the lady beside him, but he didn’t care. He didn’t even notice the strange look that she sent his way.
Because all he cared about was Hailey, and the very real possibility that he could lose her before he even had a chance to have her consumed his thoughts.
How could he have been so stupid? Why had he let his fears get in the way of him telling her how he felt when it was clear that she reciprocated the feelings at least to a point.
He’d noticed the way she had become clingier after he’d gotten shot. And when he’d gotten better, how brightly she beamed at him.
He hadn’t wanted to read too much into it or get his hopes up, but those fears seemed silly now when death was on the line.
When life was so fragile, especially in their line of work.
His heart pounded in his chest and he literally felt sick with worry as he hung his head, clenched his sweaty fists and prayed as hard as he could.
Please let her be okay.
I love her.
I need her.
I can’t live without her.
*
As soon as the plane touched down, Jay was practically jumping out of his seat and squeezing by the person sitting next to him before grabbing his duffle that he’d shoved in the overhead storage. He used his badge to bypass the deboarding procedure, practically running down the gangway as soon as it was connected to the plane.
Voight had texted him the name of the hospital Hailey was at right before he’d boarded, but that was the only thing he had managed to find out so far.
And that was what was so agonizing. The not knowing.
Part of him wanted to know exactly what he was walking into, but the other part of him was scared to find out because then he wouldn’t be able to pretend it wasn’t that bad if he found out otherwise.
But then his brain would manifest all of these terrifying scenarios and images and he thinks nothing could be worse than what he was imagining.
It was a never-ending cycle of panic that wouldn’t end until he knew Hailey’s condition. And even then, it might not be ending for a while.
Jay pushed a few bills at the taxi driver, sliding out of the backseat with an urgency that could rival most New Yorkers. Shouldering his duffle, he forced himself to walk calmly into the hospital and up to the front desk.
“What room is Hailey Upton in?” He didn’t mean to sound so abrupt, but he couldn’t waste a single second. Not when he was so close to seeing her.
The lady at the desk didn’t seem to be bothered by it though, probably used to worried family members demanding to know where their loved ones were.
In fact, she smiled at him kindly if not a little sympathetically and he briefly wondered if he looked as harried as he felt.
“Let me see here,” She trailed off, her fingers clacking at the keyboard as she focused her attention on the screen in front of her.
Jay refrained from tapping his fingers on the desk even though he desperately wanted too, his fingers twitching for something to do.
A rifle in his hands or Hailey by his side; the two things that calmed him down the most effectively.
“She’s in room 308,” The words were barely out of her mouth before Jay tossed a breathy ‘thank you’ over his shoulder, following the signs pointing him in the direction of the stairs. He slammed into the push-door, bounding up the stairs three at a time.
The erratic beating of his heart had nothing to do with exerting himself, but with the thought of what he might find when he got to room 308. He was running now, passing a couple of nurse’s stations till he found the hospital rooms. His eyes scanned the room numbers, finding 308 and his breath was knocked right out of his chest.
Because there she was. And it was the most beautiful sight in the world.
The curtain was pushed to the side so he could clearly see into her room. She was sitting up in the bed, her face was a little pale and her hair looked a little disheveled, but none of that mattered.
All that mattered was that she was alive. Awake. Talking. And it didn’t matter that she was in a hospital bed, hooked up to various machines. She was still the most gorgeous thing he’s ever seen.
There were a few people in standing in the room, talking to her and Jay assumed they were part of the FBI team she’d been working with, but the only person he had eyes for was Hailey.
After letting the initial relief course through his body at the sight of Hailey sitting up, Jay snapped out of it, taking long strides towards her room.
He was in the sliding glass door frame before anyone noticed him. Hailey turned her head and they locked gazes. Jay felt tears spring into his eyes at the sight of her sparkling blue irises. He dropped his duffle, taking a few short steps to be at her bedside, “God, Hailey,” Was the only thing he managed to whisper.
He desperately wanted to scoop her up in his embrace, or maybe even kiss her, but he didn’t know the extent of her injuries and the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her, so he settled for rubbing a hand over his eyes.
Hailey blinked hard, wondering if she’d maybe hit her head last night or if the anesthesia was possibly making her hallucinate, but when she opened her eyes again, her partner who she hadn’t seen in over a month was still standing beside her, his face drawn with worry and relief.
She opened her mouth to say something, but the words got stuck in her throat when Jay met her gaze again, tears clearly swimming in his green eyes, “What happened, Hailey? When we got the word, we called and texted, but we didn’t know anything other than you got hurt last night.”
Hailey was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Jay was here, in the flesh and standing beside her, his familiar presence comforting. She didn’t know how many times she’d craved for his warm, solid form beside her over her time in New York and even more so since last night and he was here.
Tears started pooling in her own eyes and she didn’t know if it was the fact that she’d just had a brush with death or if she’d just missed him so much or if it was all the drugs pumping through her veins, but she reached out to grab his elbow and tugged him closer to her as hard as she could even though OA, Emily and Kristen were watching.
Jay was clearly not expecting it, his arm automatically reaching out to brace himself on the bed so he didn’t fall on top of her, but Hailey didn’t care. She threw her arms around him, clutching onto his well-worn, black jacket desperately.
She hated hospitals as much as he did. The only difference was that she wasn’t a pain about it (or at least she tried very hard not to be).
But more than that, it had been five weeks. And she had missed him.
While that hadn’t been too surprising given her growing feelings towards him, she wasn’t entirely prepared for the unexpected shift in their relationship. Being gone had almost drawn them closer in a way with sleepy facetime calls and frequent texts that walked the very thin line of partners to something more.
The closer she got to being sent home the more she had been anticipating a warm reunion and a long overdue talk with Jay. A talk that she could sense Jay wanted to have in the subtle ways he let her know how much her being gone from him meant.
Hailey supposed it was true. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder.
But then she’d gotten hurt and she’d seen the scary possibility that she may never get to tell him how she feels flash before her eyes. That they may never have more than what they had been cultivating over her five week-long absence.
And then she’d woken up in a strange hospital with strange doctors and nurses and the wrong person at her side.
She didn’t think she’d ever wanted Jay as much as she had in those hazy drugged up moments and it wasn’t a lusty want. It wasn’t that at all. She wanted—no, she needed his comforting, sure presence beside her. It was like she didn’t know how to function, how to breathe, how to live without him and she’d almost had a panic attack as her foggy mind registered what had happened.
Promptly, she’d been given something to help her calm down that had put her to sleep before she’d had the chance to demand to see her phone so she could call Jay. She just needed to hear his voice, that was all.
When she’d woken back up for the second time, she felt much more in control of her facilities. She didn’t freak out at being in a hospital—one that was just as unfamiliar as the FBI office she’d been sent to. She forced herself to stay calm when she opened her eyes to find a team that she’d only met five weeks ago. And she forced herself not to show how desperately she needed her partner who was 800 miles away.
So, she’d smiled wanly as she pushed herself to sit up on the bed; OA, Kristen and Emily rushing to help her as she tried to hide a wince at the pain searing her torso. She’d even made a few jokes, playing off the fact that she felt like she was drowning because she was injured in a strange city, confined to a strange hospital and away from the people she loved.
But before she had a chance to ask if anyone had contacted her team or ask for her phone so she could call Jay—at least so she could feel like he was close to her, she’d looked up and he was there.
She’d never seen anything more beautiful.
And then she was hugging him, and she couldn’t care less that she was clutching onto him for dear life in front of OA, Kristen and Emily.
It was a shorter hug then either one of them really wanted but Hailey could feel her stitches pulling and she was having to breathe shallowly in order to avoid too much pain, so she pulled back. Her eyes instantly met green, overflowing with a number of emotions that made her already shallow breathing speed up.
Jay seemed to realize that there were other people in the hospital room at about the same time Hailey remembered a few members of her NYC team were still there.
He glanced between their slightly confused expressions and her a few times before he finally broke the awkward silence that was starting to descend upon the group, “What happened?”
Hailey could tell by the way he glanced in the direction of Emily, Kristen and OA (or more specifically OA) that he wasn’t too sure about their involvement and why they had let her land in the hospital. She gave him a look that told him it wasn’t their fault and after a brief battle of the eyes, he accepted it, but she could still detect a suspicious glint in his gaze.
“Nothing, really,” Hailey tried to smile convincingly enough to make Jay’s concerned expression disappear but when it didn’t, she added, “I’m fine. I promise.”
He was still staring her down when OA cleared his throat and Jay turned to him, slowly grasping OA’s outstretched hand in a firm handshake.
OA glanced at her before raising his eyebrows and addressing Jay as he withdrew his hand, “Uh, yeah. I wouldn’t say that she’s fine. She got shot last night and she literally just got out of surgery like an hour ago.”
Hailey frowned, shooting her temporary partner a look before meeting her actual partner’s openly distressed expression, “But I’m fine,” She stressed.
Jay shook his head, running a hand over his face, “Hailey, you scared the crap out of me.”
Not that she’d ever admit it, but her heart skipped a couple of beats at hearing that.
Recovering quickly, she fired back, “Well, now you know how it feels.”
Jay’s eyebrow furrowed as he frowned, “That’s not funny.”
“Maybe you’ll remember that the next time you go and get yourself shot,” Hailey responded smartly with a raised eyebrow.
Their eyes locked again, silently communicating as if they were the only two people in the world.
A throat clearing drew them out of the trance they’d fallen into, Hailey glancing over to a sheepish looking OA while Kristen and Emily traded a raised eyebrow.
“I’m OA and this,” He gestured to the girls standing beside him, “is Kristen and Emily.”
Hailey supposed that was her cue to introduce Jay so before he could do it himself, Hailey looked at her FBI team, nodding to the man that flew all the way from Chicago to be there, “This is Jay. My partner.”
Wow. She let that thought sink in. He flew all the way from Chicago just to see her. She felt tears prick her eyes and she wanted to just chalk it up to being overly tired and doped up on pain killers, but she knew it was more than that.
Turning her head so no one would notice her slightly wet eyes, she heard OA give Jay a warm greeting and he responded mostly in kind if not a little icy. She blinked a few times, returning her gaze to the people in her slightly crowded hospital room.
After a brief conversation of friendly banter, Kristen made a show of looking at her phone, “Looks like we’re needed back at HQ.”
OA nodded before looking between Hailey and Jay then settling his gaze on Hailey, “You get some rest, okay? We’ll talk later.”
She gave him a nod as Emily and Kristen made their way out of the small room, OA behind them and then suddenly, it was just her and Jay.
The room seemed even smaller somehow and had it always been this warm?
Slowly, she slid her gaze to the man standing beside her bed, not surprised to find his green eyes already trained on her. Green met blue and, in that moment, it felt like everything was right in the world again.
Because that ache for home, the longing in their souls; it’s funny how they were eight-hundred miles from their houses and yet it felt like they were finally coming home. That they were where they belonged.
Once again, unexpected tears pricked Hailey’s eyes and it hit her that she could have never seen him ever again. She could have died, and she would have never seen him looking at her with something that looked a lot like love.
She opened her mouth to say something. What, she didn’t know; how much she missed him while she was here, how when she’d gotten shot all she wanted was him, maybe even an ‘I love you’, but before any of that could leave her mouth, an enthusiastic nurse bustled through the door.
“Hi there, dear! My name’s Jeanie and I’ll be your nurse for the next little while,” The older lady chirped to Hailey in greeting, totally oblivious that she’d just interrupted a charged moment between the two detectives.
“How’s the pain level?” She continued brightly, messing with the computer in the corner of the room before turning her attention towards Hailey and that’s when she noticed Jay.
A mega-watt smile broke out on Jeanie’s face, “You must be the husband!” She declared cheerfully.
Hailey’s eyes went wide, and she tried not to choak on her own spit, expecting to hear Jay quickly correcting her, but he didn’t say anything. Before she could splutter out an interjection of her own, Jeanie turned her attention back to her.
The nurse gave her a wink and in a not so quiet whisper, she said, “What a hunk! If I weren’t so old, I’d jump his bones! What fun you two must have!”
She felt her cheeks flush at that, and she didn’t have to look to know that Jay’s ears were probably turning pink.
Jeanie opened her mouth to continue and Hailey wished that Jay would open his mouth to refute the claim he was her husband before the nurse had the chance to keep talking, but she wasn’t that lucky.
Giving her an impressed look, Jeanie nodded conspiratorially the grin still plastered on her face, “Well done for landing such a hottie.”
Hailey was starting to hope that a hole would open up and swallow her whole when there was a knock on the doorframe. Hailey’s head snapped towards the sound and was relieved to see a doctor entering the room, a tablet in hand.
“Detective Upton,” The man in surgical scrubs greeted her warmly. He noticed Jay and extended an arm to shake his hand before turning to address them both, “I’m Doctor Nunez.”
He looked at Jay, clearly waiting for an introduction. Hailey glanced over at him for the first time since Jeanie interrupted them.
She watched as he seemed to realize what Doctor Nunez was asking for, rubbing his hands on his jeans before answering, “My name’s Jay,” He paused, giving his head a little jerk in her direction, “I’m, uh…I’m her husband.”
Hailey blinked in shock. That was the last thing she thought he’d say.
She caught his gaze, giving him a ‘what the hell’ expression. He gave her a little shrug and looked almost as confused as she was as to why he went along with Jeanie’s assumption.
Dr. Nunez continued on, not noticing their silent exchange, “I performed your wife’s surgery, and I was hoping that we could discuss the extent of Detective Upton’s injuries with both of you and go over what I did to repair them.”
For the next half hour, Hailey and Jay listened to the doctor’s recount of removing the bullet that had lodged itself in Hailey’s side last night. The good news was that she would be discharged from the hospital in a couple of days, the bad news was that she was recommended not to fly for at least 8-10.
But for some reason, Hailey didn’t really mind the delay in getting back.
Yesterday, she was anxious and counting down the days till she could hop on a plane bound for Chicago. Today, sitting in a hospital bed, sore and tired from being shot, looking over at her partner who was hanging onto every word Dr. Nunez was saying about her recovery, she suddenly couldn’t care less about getting home.
Sure, she missed Chicago. She missed her apartment. And she missed her team, but that wasn’t what she’d been craving ever since landing in New York five weeks ago.
She’d been homesick, but not for a place because when she looked at Jay, she knew she was home even if she was still eight-hundred miles away from the only city she’d known.