Work Text:
Thomas the Tank Engine presents
Thomas Lays an Egg
Written by some chick who has way too much time on her hands
Narrated by the ghost of George Carlin
It was a beautiful day on the Island of Sodor. The birds were blooming, the flowers were singing…
Wait, what were we talking about again?
Well whatever. It was an average day for our cheeky little blue engine. He was riding across the island delivering packages or transporting passengers or whatever the hell the Fat Controller wanted him to do today. Normally Thomas would be questioning why he and his kin were being put through this slave labor and consider further discussing the possibility of unionizing, but Thomas was not in the mood today. He had been feeling awfully ill lately, as if something was clogging up his inner workings.
He knew exactly what it was. Oh dear.
Thomas reluctantly pulled up to the next station and blew his whistle. The Fat Controller ran out of his office while stuffing an entire roast chicken down his gabber.
“Thomas,” said the Fat Controller. “I need you to deliver these passengers by 4 o’clock sharp.” He motioned to a group of young lads and lasses standing at the station. They were all wearing anime cosplays and skimpy cat girl costumes.
Thomas did not want to disobey his boss lest he get locked up underground or walled into a tunnel and left to starve like his mate Henry. But he had no other choice. He had to tell the truth or else there would be a great amount of confusion and delay.
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Sir Topham Hatt,” said Thomas, because he is a good boi and would never insult his boss for his physical appearance. The Fat Controller stared at the blue train quizzically.
“And why not?” asked the Fat Controller, more than a little annoyed. Thomas took a deep breath and said……
“Because I am about to lay an egg.”
The Fat Controller’s face fell off and he puffed and spit roast chicken all over his £690000 suit.
“Oh bugger,” said the Fat Controller. “I’ll get the midwife.”
Later that day, Thomas was in his shed with the Fat Controller, who had brought a midwife with him to help Thomas lay his egg. The midwife was short and very fat, even fatter than the Fat Controller (if that was even possible), and had grey hair tied into a bun and squinty eyes. The Fat Controller watched as he nommed on popcorn and candy bars. Gordon, Edward, Percy, Henry, James, and Emily also watched.
“ALRIGHT, THOMAS,” said the midwife. “TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND PUSH!!!!”
“HNNNNNNNNNNG” said Thomas. He pushed and pulled but the egg would not come out.
“PUSH HARDER!!!!” said the midwife. “I SAID PUSH, YOU BLOODY SODDING WANKER!!!!”
“HRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK HNNNNNNNNNNNNNG” said Thomas. He pushed with all his might, harder than he ever pushed before. And then….
POP!
An egg popped out of Thomas’ chimney and landed in the midwife’s arms. It was almost as big as the Fat Controller and a bright teal in color. The midwife quickly wrapped the egg in a blanket and gently laid it in a nest. James saw the whole ordeal and threw up everywhere, but not on his perfect red paint cuz that’s gross.
“Well, there goes the neighborhood,” complained Henry.
“Quite…” muttered Gordon.
“BLURRGFHEDGJRRHFFHHFR” barfed James.
“But who is the father?” asked Emily.
Edward did not say anything because he was too in shock from the sight of Thomas laying an egg and James vomiting and also because I couldn’t think of anything for him to say lol soz
“OH SHITE” said the midwife, who spooked the Fat Controller and almost made him choke on his popcorn. “WHO THE BUGGERY IS THIS EGG’S FATHER?!?!?”
Everything was quiet. Nobody dared say a word. And then….
“It was me!” said a voice. Everybody looked at Percy, who was wearing swag glasses and smoking a very large blunt.
“Yes!” said Percy as he spat out his blunt. “I did it like this!”
FLASHBACK ONE MONTH AGO
Thomas and Percy were alone in the sheds. Gordon and Henry and Edward were out getting drunk and James was at the riverside to make out with his reflection, and Emily was somewhere idk lol
“Thomas,” said Percy.
“What is it, mate?” asked Thomas.
“I think I quite fancy you,” said Percy.
“Why thank you,” said Thomas. “I fancy you too, Percy.”
“No,” said Percy, blushing. “I really, really fancy you.”
“Oh dear,” said Thomas, also blushing. “I quite fancy you a lot too, Percy.” They gazed lovingly into each other’s eyes and… (AN: I’M NOT WRITING THE NEXT PART YOU PERVS, WRITE A PRETEND CHAPTER IN YOUR HEAD OR SOMETHING, GEEZ)
FLASHBACK OVER
“And that’s exactly what happened,” said Percy. Everybody was speechless. The Fat Controller took a bite of some cake and patted Percy on the shoulder.
“Good for you, Percy, Thomas,” said the Fat Controller. “Your very own child. I expect it to be ready for work as soon as it’s born.”
“Oh bother,” said Thomas and Percy together.
And everything was good.
THE END