Work Text:
ACT 1
SCENE 8
The stage continues in darkness. A jingle for a breaking news station runs under the voice of newscaster CARL MASON.
CARL MASON (JON)
This is Carl Mason, coming to you live from New York with continuing coverage of what’s already being called the Black Friday from Hell. From the Mall of America to Macy’s Herald Square, reports are flooding in of violent riots breaking out at retailers of all sizes. With mayors and governors pleading to the federal government for aid, speculation swirls as to whether or not president Howard Goodman will declare a national state of emergency.
The television noises switch off. Lights up on the PEIP headquarters. We see peeps coming and going about their work, all looking busy. On the center of the stage, COLONEL SCHAFFER stands with AGENT SAWYER, a new peep who looks a bit out of their depth. SCHAFFER steps closer and pats their back.
SCHAFFER
You got lucky, huh, Agent Sawyer? A nation wide crisis right in your first week as my intern…
SAWYER
Wait, are we really sure this is supernatural? Isn't it just shopper mania?
SCHAFFER
We're quite positive, yes. There is a creature at work here, and a powerful one, for the looks of it.
SAWYER
So this creature comes… from one of the other dimensions we know of, right?
SCHAFFER
Yes, and no. This one seems to come from…
Before finishes the sentence, XANDER LEE leaves what he was working on upstage to come into the conversation downstage.
XANDER
Colonel Schaffer, I have bad news.
XANDER notices SAWYER there and smiles at them.
XANDER
Oh, hello! You're the new peep, right? Welcome to the madness, pal! I'm Xander Lee, nice to meet you.
They shake hands, SAWYER looks a bit dumbfounded by Xanders's fast talking.
SCHAFFER
What is the news, Agent?
XANDER
We just confirmed that we are in fact dealing with the entity we've known as the ruler.
SAWYER
Wait, what? What do you mean, ruler? Sorry, I'm lost here...
SCHAFFER sighs, not in the mood to teach with this crisis in her hands.
SCHAFFER
We don't have the time to do a whole history lesson now, Sawyer. I will cover the essentials and will not repeat myself. Do you understand?
SAWYER
Yes, sir.
SCHAFFER
13 years ago, PEIP made a portal to a place outside all dimensions, a sea of physic energy that we call the Black and White.
XANDER
General McNamara's mentor, Wilbur Cross, stepped through that portal, and came out a raving lunatic. He pledged his undying loyalty to the forces within, and disappeared soon after.
SAWYER
Wow, that's heavy.
SCHAFFER glares at both of them.
SCHAFFER
Since then, we've known of an entity that currently rules the Black and White, but only now he revealed his name, Wiggly.
SAWYER
The doll?
XANDER
The doll’s only part of it. What, you don’t remember your Catechism class? The father’s the son, the son’s the father. Wiggly rules on high in the black and white, but he also is the dolls. Bet you didn’t guess the, uh, Lord of Despair would be so cute and cuddly, did you?
SCHAFFER scoffs, SAWYER looks worried.
SAWYER
Ok, but… why? What does he want?
XANDER
Sawie, wait can I call you Sawie? Sawie, listen, Wiggly wants us, he wants everything. He’s a knockin’ and he wants in.
They get interrupted by a PIEP SARGENT, who enters running with a box in their hand.
SARGENT
I GOT IT! I GOT IT!
The SARGENT stops before SCHAFFER to make a salute.
SARGENT
Colonel, I was able to acquire a sample of the doll!
SCHAFFER
Good job, Sargent. Now, proceed with caution, we don't know the full extent of its power.
But the SARGENT is already opening the box and taking the Wiggly doll from it. A distorted, twisted version of “Carol of the Bells” plays. They gather around the doll, and look at it expectantly for a second.
SAWYER
It doesn't do anything… it's just a fluffy little monster!
The SARGENT pets the doll.
SARGENT
And it has a fuzzy little tummy...
SCHAFFER
I don't think it's safe. In fact, I think I should be the one to hold it. Hand it here, Sargent.
SCHAFFER reaches for the doll, and the SARGENT snatches it closer to themselves, but XANDER steps in before she can reach the doll
XANDER
Actually, Colonel, as the theoretical physicist here, I think I should be the one to hold it. I need to understand what we’re dealing with, and to do that…I need to hold him in my arms.
SAWYER
No, no, no, no this is too dangerous! As the lowest ranking agent here, I should be the one to take the risk!
The music grows louder and faster. They all reach for the doll, but the SARGENT steps away from them, holding the doll closer. The conversation grows hectic, loud, and fast-paced.
SARGENT
That's all a bunch of bullshit! I was the one who got him, he's mine!
SCHAFFER
This is insubordination, Sargent! I am the goddamn Colonel here, and I order you to hand me that fucking doll!
XANDER
No, she's lost her mind, give me the doll!
SAWYER
They're both insane! Give it to me !
They all plunge forward. The SARGENT backs away further and steps onto a chair. The music swells even louder and more persistent.
SARGENT
NO! You just wanna steal him from me! Take one step closer to my friendy-wend and I’ll rip your fucking throat out with my own teeth!
SAWYER
He’s not your friendy-wend, he’s mine! I’m gonna tickle that doll!
XANDER
NO! He’s mine! Back off or I will use your face to test my molecular disintegrator!
SCHAFFER
SARGENT! Give me that COCK-SUCKIN’, MOTHER FUCKIN’, COCK-A-DOODLE DOOOOOOLL!
The music mimics that of “Feast or Famine” as chaos erupts within the PIEP Headquarters. The agents converge on the SARGENT, each screaming threats and groping for the Wiggly.
PIEP AGENTS:
Give it here!/ He’s my fwiendy-wend!/I’ll bite your nipple off!/Etc.
From the other side of the stage we see a figure enter with a gun. A gunshot knocks the Wiggly out of the Sargent's hands. The mysterious figure is revealed to be GENERAL JOHN MCNAMARA. After he shoots the Wiggly, the PIEP AGENTS collapse in various states of exhaustion and confusion.
XANDER
Uh, oh my god, Sargent, are you alright?
SAWYER
I think I’m gonna vomit.
SCHAFFER stands up and salutes the general.
SCHAFFER
General McNamara, I— this was not supposed to happen…
It's the first time the audience sees Schaffer looking hesitant. MCNAMARA walks to center stage, smoking his cigarette and looking badass.
MCNAMARA
No, Colonel, it really wasn't.
MCNAMARA crouches down and takes the remainder of the doll in his hand.
MCNAMARA
It's a testament to Wiggly's power, that even our best agents aren't immune to it.
He looks reflective, and there's a second to make it sink in that he's talking about his mentor too. XANDER stands up and puts a hand on his shoulder. MCNAMARA snaps out of his thoughts and turns back to his peeps.
MCNAMARA
This creature has designs on humanity far worse than any nightmare we can comprehend, and he is marshalling his power. If humanity is going to have any hope for survival, we will need to take action.
SAWYER
What can we do, sir?
MCNAMARA
To borrow an expression, we're going to step out of the blue and into the black.
SONG 7: MONSTERS AND MEN
MCNAMARA
Sometimes you gotta wake
And answer the call
Or fall
No need to raise the stakes
When you're on the wall
Stand tall
Sometimes you gotta fill your chest
Sometimes you gotta slow your breath
Sometimes you gotta step into the Black and White
And face the thing you dread
Sometimes you gotta stand on up
Sometimes you gotta make your case
Sometimes you gotta step into the Black and White
And needle that thread
'Cause there are monsters and there are men
There are monsters that live in your head
There are monsters that we all should dread
So join the fight
And try your might
Step in the Black and White
There are forces in this world
That mean you real harm
If your soul is unarmed
It is nothing on your phone
We need every hand
For a scrum that's undermanned
The truly good
Versus the truly bad
You'd better learn to discern it quickly, boys
It's the only chance we have
You'd better align your soul
With what's good and right
Join the only fight that's left
And scour the Black and White
For there are monsters and there are men
There are monsters that live in your head
It is the monsters who should live in dread
And fear our might
Join the fight
Into the Black and White
SAWYER, spoken
But how are we going in, sir?
MCNAMARA, spoken
Don't worry, soldier, I have a plan.
MCNAMARA
Look me in the eye now, peeps
And make a solemn vow
To become your best self now
I know our opponent, peeps
Requires nothing less
Than your absolute best
SARGENT
It will be hard
XANDER
The world is pain and distraction
SCHAFFER
But there's occasions met
By lesser men
Who took the lead
MCNAMARA
It must be us
PEIP AGENTS
It must be us
MCNAMARA
Never take your badges lightly
PEIP AGENTS
Never take our badges lightly
MCNAMARA
You must fill your heart
Make good with God immediately
SAWYER
There are monsters and there are men
There are monsters that live in your head
WHOLE CAST
It is the monsters who shall live in dread
MCNAMARA
So, join the fight
XANDER
Against the real plight
WHOLE CAST
When monsters are real
You'd better forge a heart of steel
To cast the darkness from light
MCNAMARA
We've gotta step into the Black and White
Lights down. Act 1 ends. That was pwetty epic.
ACT 2
SCENE 3
Lights up on PEIP headquarters. We see XANDER LEE, MCNAMARA and SCHAFFER gathered, discussing strategy.
XANDER
So, if our estimations are correct, these riots are just the beginning. Right now, Wiggly is culling the wheat from the chaff. And, when the only people left are his most devout followers, they will build him his birth canal. A portal, much more powerful than ours, large enough for Wiggly himself to cross through.
MCNAMARA
And when he does, he will remake creation to his liking. We are trying to stop the birth of a God.
SCHAFFER
So what is the plan? Is there any way we can find the people who will build this portal before they do it?
MCNAMARA
Not that we know of. Right now, our only chance is to send someone through our own portal and try to negotiate with Wiggly.
SCHAFFER
The only way he might negotiate is if we have a hydrogen bomb aimed at him.
MCNAMARA
You're right, Colonel, the greatest strategic value of nuclear weapons has always been deterrence. Wiggly is a being who has never contemplated his own annihilation. If threatened with such, he may retreat from our reality.
SCHAFFER
I'd like to volunteer to go innegotiation, sir.
MCNAMARA
No, I should be the one to go in. Both of you already succumbed to his doll today, we can't take any chances.
XANDER
There's a problem, John. The suit we've been developing isn't ready yet, and without it the human body can't survive the Black and White. Even in a best case scenario, it won't hold for more than 20 minutes.
MCNAMARA
It wouldn't be my first mission with limited time, Xander.
SCHAFFER
And what if you can't make it, sir?
MCNAMARA puts a hand on Schaffer's shoulder.
MCNAMARA
Then you're in command, and your first act will be to deploy the bomb.
SCHAFFER nods, pursuing her lips in a failed attempt to not show emotion. XANDER isn't that cool headed.
XANDER
John, no! There has to be another way!
MCNAMARA
You know there's not, Xander. If there's a chance to save this reality, we need to try, no matter the cost.
XANDER
But what are we gonna do without you? What will I do?
MCNAMARA
Xander, you're the best damn field agent I’ve ever worked with. And you'll make a damn good Colonel. There's nobody better than the two of you to lead my peeps.
SONG 3: MONSTERS AND MEN (FIRST REPRISE)
MCNAMARA (XANDER, one beat after)
I know it's hard
(It will be hard)
SCHAFFER
The world is pain and distraction
MCNAMARA
But there's occasions met
By lesser men
Who took the lead.
It must be me
XANDER AND SCHAFFER
It must be you
MCNAMARA
Never take your badges lightly
XANDER AND SCHAFFER
Never take our badges lightly
Unsung verse, the instruments get louder as they hug for the last time.
CHORUS, fading out
There are monsters and there are men
There are monsters that live in your head
There are monsters that we all should dread
Lights fade out.
SCENE 6
MCNAMARA enters in an over the top looking space suit. He looks ridiculous. XANDER and SCHAFFER are coaching him about what is about to happen in the back.
XANDER
Alright, General, beginning inter-dimensional convergence with the black and white.
MCNAMARA
Copy, I'm ready. It's been an honor to serve with you two.
XANDER
John, don't—
SCHAFFER touches XANDER's shoulder, and he takes a breath.
XANDER and SCHAFFER
It's been an honor, sir.
SCHAFFER
Good luck, and Godspeed.
The portal begins powering up as we hear a machine whirring. Lights flash. MCNAMARA is transported from the PEIP headquarters and into the…
SCENE 7
The Black and White. It’s dark. All MCNAMARA can see is black… and white. He is alone .
MCNAMARA
Xander, do you copy?
We hear XANDER over the radio .
XANDER
Copy. What do you see?
MCNAMARA
I see blackness, only blackness.
XANDER
Try and reach with your mind, but be careful.
MCNAMARA walks downstage, taking a steady stance.
MCNAMARA
My name is General John McNamara from the United States Military. I demand to speak to the entity known as Wiggly.
We hear a mysterious, but familiar voice coming from somewhere within the Black and White.
WILEY
Johnny… Johnny… Johnny…
MCNAMARA
There's something reaching back, but I don't think it's Wiggly.
XANDER
They'll try to trap you there, John. You have to-
XANDER’S radio transmission gets cut off.
MCNAMARA
Xander? I can’t hear you! Can you me?
XANDER
General? John? We’re losing him!
SCHAFFER
We can't afford that. Keep trying!
XANDER nods, operating the machines. Lights out on the PEIP H.Q., and we see WILEY standing in the audience, holding an apple and being creepy, per usual .
WILEY
How you doin there Johnny?
MCNAMARA
I figured you'd be here.
WILEY
Do you know why it had to be a doll?
He takes a bite of his apple.
MCNAMARA
I won't let you distract me with this. I'm here as a General of the United States Military, and I demand to speak to Wiggly.
WILEY cackles , sarcastically .
WILEY
The Military! Tell me John, do you still believe you are protecting anyone? I mean, really believe?
MCNAMARA
I'm not here to discuss what I do or don't believe. Take me to Wiggly, right now.
WILEY
But it all boils down to belief, John! It’s a powerful thing. You see, people don’t believe in governments anymore. No matter who the masses vote for, they always get the same thing. The poorer get poorer and the rich, well, they just get richer. Swamped in student debt, credit card debt, medical bills, the people have been abandoned by everything! Everything except products!!
He does a very creepy laugh.
WILEY
That’s the only comfort they have left! And you, in the Government of the United States, you were one of Wiggly’s greatest allies.
MCNAMARA
You're insane. This has nothing to do with me. I serve my nation and its people, and I'd never abandon them.
WILEY
Don't fool yourself, John, at the end of the day you only serve some president! And this nation of yours? It's rotten to the core, John! And you know it is! Only in America could Wiggly take root!
WILEY hands his apple to an audience member.
WILEY
Hold this. You think that in the Netherlands they’d give a shit about some toy? No, they’re too busy on their paid vacation, and the free healthcare. You empowered Wiggly, you invited him in! And now you come into his house, to make demands of him?
SONG 5: MADE IN AMERICA
WILEY
You thought that you could outsmart
The very thing that runs the blood of your kind?
You're sick with greed and a lust
For that, you will give up your will and your pride
You're hoping you will be saved
No matter what you have raised
Behold the depths of depravity and decay
It's happened on your watch
Your time is running out before worlds collide
You went and opened the box
And then He came in a slick little package
That drove you insane
'Cause your thirst for stuff
Is never slaked
And now the end is nigh, the apocalypse here
In a package that's not what it appears
You may ask why the doll, well that's all it takes
When you're made in America
In a valley of silicon
Welcome to Wiggly's shop
Your America assembly line
We've got toys and trucks and big fat butts
That'll help you pass the time
Hey kids, you know that you grow up
With all the crap you want
Just sprinkle it with dust
And a gob of fuckin' lust
And you wave your world goodbye
WILEY & SNIGGLES
Wiggly, wiggly
Wiggle, wiggly
Wiggly, wig-
Wa-wiggle, wiggle
Wiggly, wiggly (wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle)
Wiggle, wiggly (wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle, wiggle wiggle)
Wiggly, wiggly, wig-
WIGGLY, spoken
Hello, Jonny-won. Welcome to Drowsy-Town.
MCNAMARA, spoken
It's you.
WIGGLY, spoken
Don't be roughy, you're my bestest buddy-wud.
MCNAMARA, spoken
I've come to tell you to leave our reality!
WIGGLY laughs .
WIGGLY, spoken
Leave? Just before Christmas?
It's going to be my birthday, you know? I wouldn't want to miss out on opening all my presents
I think I'll start with you. I'm going to cut open your belly-well and deck the halls with your gutsy-wutsies!
The SNIGGLES approach MCNAMARA menacingly. MCNAMARA steps back at first, but then squares his chest and stands his ground.
MCNAMARA, spoken
Enough! Your minions may do me no harm, Wiggly, for I cut through them with a blade of truth. Begone!
The SNIGGLES hiss and yelp and back away from MCNAMARA and go to WILEY.
MCNAMARA, spoken
If you don't leave our reality, we will deploy a bomb into yours. Are you ready to face your destruction, creature?
WIGGLY laughs.
WIGGLY, spoken
That tickles.
WILEY, spoken
It's too late, John! Wiggly's prophet has been chosen, and as soon as she has a doll, she will bring about his birth.
MCNAMARA notices his suit is falling appart, pieces of it start loosening off him.
WILEY & SNIGGLES
You opened the box
A doll came out
WILEY
And he'll touch down soon
To erase any doubt
That is all you need
To fill your heart
WILEY & SNIGGLES
Now the end is nigh, the apocalypse here
WILEY
In a package that preys on the worst of your fears
The gambit is done
A work of art
That was made in America
In a valley of silicon
We see XANDER and SCHAFFER again, in the PIEP H.C.
SCHAFFER, spoken
Sir, do you copy?
MCNAMARA, spoken
Copy, General Schaffer.
XANDER, spoken
John, your time is up! Come back to the portal right now!
MCNAMARA, spoken
Return is no longer an option for me. I'm already feeling my body beginning to dematerialize. My spirit will be absorbed into the Black and White. I’ll do what I can from here.
XANDER, spoken
John, NO!
Lights down on the PIEP H.Q., as XANDER's scream fades into the music
WILEY
We're all made in America
In a valley of silicon
The song ends with MCNAMARA taking off the helmet of his suit. Lights down .
SCENE 8
We are back in the P.E.I.P. headquarters. XANDER is kneeling on the floor, head in his hands. SCHAFFER is visibly distraught, but trying to keep level headed.
XANDER
What do we do now?
SCHAFFER
There's nothing else we can do besides deploy the nuke. We have our orders.
XANDER
What about John, he’s still in there—
SCHAFFER
He’s gone. The only way to honor his memory is to kill Wiggly.
Her voice breaks, and she discreetly wipes away a tear, before she turns to SAWYER in the corner and nods at them. Xander stands up, wiping his tears as well.
SAWYER
Deploying the nuclear bomb! It is entering the black and white. Detonation in 5, 4, 3, --
XANDER
Merry Christmas motherfucker!!
He angrily flips off WIGGLY, wherever the hell he is.
SAWYER
One.
Nothing happens .
SAWYER
Did it go off? Where’s the explosion? Shouldn’t we be hearing an explosion?
WIGGLY
Uh oh, Mrs. New Genewal. It seems you’ve misplaced your bomby-wom. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll turn up somewhere.
SCHAFFER
What do you mean you son of a bitch?
The SARGENT comes on stage, hurriedly .
SARGENT
Colonel Schaffer. We’ve just received a message from the Pentagon. There’s been an explosion on the Eurasia continent.
SCHAFFER
What?
SARGENT
Moscow is gone, mam.
XANDER
Christ, the Russians had another portal!
WIGGLY
I have fwendy-wends all over the world. When my uncle Wiley told the Russians about America’s new toy, they just had to have one of their own.
XANDER
He knew. He wanted us to send in the nuke. He took the bomb and pushed it into the Russian’s portal. He baited us into World War III.
WIGGLY laughs .
WIGGLY
That tickles.
That makes SCHAFFER finally lose her composure.
SCHAFFER
How could I have known? How could I have known there was another portal? There were two doors, two doors, not one!
XANDER
General, I think we should go meet the President. Prepare him for whatever's to come…
SCHAFFER takes a breath to calm down, then she nods. They exit, the lights go down.
WIGGLY
Thank you so much for sending those nice pwesents to me, Genewal. I can’t wait to visit your home.
WIGGLY giggles.