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The darkness consumes everything tonight. There is no moon. The normally starry sky is eclipsed by a storm rolling through the forest surrounding the Village Hidden in the Leaves. It doesn’t matter. He is ANBU. The darkness suits him just fine.
The mission is simple on the surface. Find the fleeing spy and end them before they can share their intel with the other side. He moves through the darkness in silence. He leaps through the trees with his hounds he summoned just moments ago. The hounds catch the spy’s scent riding on the wind of the storm.
“They’re running upwind. Their mistake,” he thinks to himself continuing to move through the forest landing silently on branches, then the ground.
“Found them.”
Shuriken rip through the darkness. He reacts instinctually, dodging up and to the right while countering with his own kunai. His opponent looks to be alone.
“Good.”
He likes it when it’s one on one. The crackle of fallen leaves underfoot gives his opponent's position away.
“Let’s end this.”
He lunges toward his opponent and slashes them with his sword. It’s no good; it was just a clone.
“Turn around! The real one is behind you.”
He leaps, spins around in the air, countering the oncoming attack from the forest canopy. His hands weave a seal in the blink of an eye. He releases a Great Fireball, but it is just a diversion. He knows he was successful when he hears his sword, thrown through the fireball, slice into the flesh of his opponent. He hears his opponent whimper in pain.
"Now to finish them.”
Blood and burnt flesh, scents from his Chidori ripping through his opponent’s chest, fill the air.
“They look young.”
He bends over the body and lifts the mask off of his opponent’s face. He was young; younger than him and he was only 19. Then suddenly, a rustle of leaves catches his attention.
"Shit! Thought there was only one.”
A figure jumps from the shadows. He pulls his sword from the lifeless body and retreats back to the tree canopy.
“Okay, round two...”
Another young figure appears, trying to collect the body of his first opponent.
“Sorry, can’t let you do that.”
He thinks without feeling. Suddenly, a gentle cry fills the once silent forest as he lunges forward to attack. It dawns on him that the figure is not here to collect the body. They are here to die with their comrade.
The figure removes their mask and reveals tears flowing from her eyes. She makes no attempt to defend herself. There are 20 other ANBU in the forest surrounding the village tonight, and she knows there is no escape. She knows her life ends here, by his sword, but she does not care. She embraces the body of his opponent as if there is no threat of death. She mourns for the both of them, as his sword pierces through her heart.
He leaves no trace of the battle that took place in the darkness. He feels nothing. He is ANBU.
--
Kakashi only removes his ANBU-issued dog mask once he is back at the Admin Building inside the walls of the Hidden Leaf. While not that late, it’s late enough that no one is here to take his report. That’s fine by him. He has never been the kind to turn in his paperwork anyway.
The main street of the village is gently lit up with street lights, the bright signs of restaurants and bars, and lanterns hung over the main plaza for decoration. Chatter from lovers and their dates, friends catching up, and barflies passing the time fill the air with a warm hum. He could take a walk down the main street to get home but he doesn’t. He takes the backstreets shrouded in dark shadows.
He makes his way up the three flights of stairs to his apartment. As he ascends each step, images of the two he just killed dance in his head.
“That’s why you don’t send inexperienced shinobi on covert missions. Who was the idiot that assigned shinobi so young to complete a mission like that? ”
As he thinks about it a little more, he realizes he was not any older when he began to complete Anbu missions for the Leaf. In fact, he may have been even younger. It is not their deaths in particular that disturb him. He had experienced his share of death, even before joining the Anbu Black Ops.
His teammates from his first 3 man squad, Obito and Rin, his mentor and sensei, Minato, and his father were all deceased now; consequence of never ending wars and ill tempered faith. His father ended his own life when shame consumed him. He was only 12 when Obito died in Kakashi’s place on the battlefield. He was 13 when Rin...
“Enough!” He pushes the thoughts out of his mind.
After a long hot shower and poor excuse for a meal he slips into bed. He is tired but he knows sleep will be hard to achieve. The thoughts of the two young shinobi still haunt him.
“I am sad?” he wonders. “Do I feel bad for killing them? No... It’s my job. The village needed me to kill them.”
The thoughts come in waves. He begins to feel consumed by doubt and anxiety but succumbs to the fatigue and falls asleep.
In his dreams he sees her image . “Kakashi…” s he whispers into his ear as blood runs from the sides of her mouth. “Kakashi…” He looks down at the blood coating his hand. He just killed his comrade. His friend. Rin.
“Kakashi…”
His eyes shoot open. He feels the urge to vomit as his heart races so fast it hurts. He reminds himself, “It’s just a dream. A flashback. The whole thing happened a long time ago.”
He closes his eyes but Rin’s face is still there. Her death was the hardest to come to terms with. Cursed by enemies of the Leaf and destined to be used as a weapon against the village. In an instance, she chose to protect her homeland by jumping in front of Kakashi’s attack to end her own life. Dieing by his hand.
He throws the covers off his sweat drenched body as he gets out of bed to wash his hand. The very hand that had ripped through Rin’s body just as it had done to the opponent from before. There is nothing on his hand but it still feels like it is covered in blood. Washing his hand is not helping this time.
“Nothing helps. Nothing makes the dreams stop. Death. My death would make them stop...”
It is natural for living creatures to fear death. He knows that he should fear his own death, at least a little.
"I am not afraid of death. What am I afraid of? ”
And with this thought he decides to take a walk.
--
He walks with no particular place to go, but he finds his feet leading him to a familiar place. He arrives at an apartment in the east side of the village. He knows this apartment and it’s inhabitants well. He faces the door. His mind is blank. As if he were controlled by an unseen force he knocks on the door.
“Why did I do that?”
Racing thoughts flood his mind and he regrets knocking on the door instantly.
“It’s 2 o’cock in the morning. He’s asleep. Why am I even here? Go home and to bed.”
He listens to the thoughts and walks away, back down the hallway, when suddenly the door opens.
“Rival? RIVAL!”
Kakashi doesn’t immediately turn around. His thoughts of regret deepen.
“He heard my knock.”
Gai was burning a hole through his back with his unbreakable stare, waiting for Kakashi to respond.
“Yo,” Kakashi attempts to respond in a way to maintain his cool and aloof image.
“I heard a knock. Who would have thought it would be you? My Dearest Rival!” Gai exclaims with resounding glee.
He scowls to himself, back still turned to Gai.
“Who else is knocking on your door at 2 in the morning?” he thinks. Now irritated, but somehow relieved that Gai had answered the door. He turned around to face Gai.
“Please, COME IN RIVAL.”. He beckons Kakashi with his hand. He is smiling, like he always does.
As children, Kakashi found Gai annoying. Gai had been determined to befriend the ninja prodigy, Kakashi - a boy with no real friends - and become a great shinobi in the process. Always wanting to spar or compete in some asinine “challenge” to test their strength, endurance, intelligence, or skill.
He called Kakashi’s his “Rival” from the beginning. Though, at first he didn’t come even close in fighting skill and strength to rival Kakashi. But he happily persevered, eventually coming into his own unique fighting strategy, that relied solely on Taijutsu and no other kind of jutsu, to truly rival Kakashi.
They had spared so much over the years that Kakahsi’s own fighting style grew to counter Gai’s so perfectly that now when they fought it was more of a dance. He could almost hear Gai’s thoughts in the heat of battle. The term “Rival” meant so much more today. A pseudonym for something special.
It is painfully obvious that the knock on the door woke Gai up and he threw on whatever pants and shirt were nearby. A white worn t-shirt drapes around his neck, leaving his tan chest and abs on display. A pair of green, a darker green than his favorite shade of green, sweatpants hang off his hips. The pants look worn too.
He finishes dressing, pulling his smooth muscular arms through the sleeves of the shirt, while he waits in the doorway. Despite the inappropriately late nature of Kakashi’s visit, he looks happy to see him. If he was at all confused why Kakashi had come calling at 2am, he didn't show it.
Kakashi walks back down the hall to Gai but doesn’t enter the apartment.
The apartment was warm and inviting, unlike Kakashi’s own apartment. His own dwelling was dark, a little dirty, and looked somewhat abandoned at times. Gai’s apartment was clean but lived in. Gai carefully collected treasures from his travels as a Leaf Shinobi, keepsakes from his late father, and other decor that matched his personal style to decorate his home. It all created an atmosphere that Kakashi really liked, though he would not admit that to Gai in fear of appearing too sentimental.
Kakashi pauses at the open door.
“I am afraid that I don’t have much to offer you. But I can make tea.” Gai pauses but isn’t expecting a response from his cold friend. “Oh we must embrace the springtime of our youth. Let’s have some tea! Tea with my Rival at 2 in the morning!”
Gai leaves the doorway to check for tea in the kitchen but keeps his door open for Kakashi to come in. “Why are you here so late?” he yells back from the kitchen as if he just now put together that it is a little odd of Kakashi to show up at his place in the middle of the night. “Did something happen?”
“No. Nothing happened. I...”, Kakashi responds coldly, still standing in the doorway. Before he could explain why he was there--not that he could really explain-- Gai interrupts him, again.
“Oh.”, Gai said inquisitively. “You wanted to CHALLENGE me and you thought waking me up in the middle of the night would throw me off. HA! It will not!” he exclaimed in excitement, running back to the doorway to waved his finger in Kakashi’s face, smiling ear to ear. “ Name your CHALLENGE!”
“Ah, No”, Kakashi shakes his head softly. He attempts to explain the reason for his late night visit for the second time. “I am not here to challenge you. I just…”, his sentence trails off into an exhale.
“What am I doing here?”, he wonders again. He could still turn around and leave.
He enters the apartment instead.
As the door closes behind him, he looks back. He could feel the bad memories haunting him just moments ago, lying in wait just on the other side of the door. He prepares to confess to Gai the visions that drove him from his bed but can’t decide if he should reveal his current mental state or side step the question.
Gai pops his head back into the living room to ask another question. “Green, Black, or Herbal?”
He doesn't answer. Feeling guilty for bothering Gai so late at night he responds apologetically and tries to leave. “Gai, I woke you up, didn’t I? I should…”
Gai doesn’t let him finish. He picks a flavor of tea himself and offers up another question, “You want to watch a movie?”.
Gai’s question is followed by a tense silence that he was not prepared for. He pitches a movie to elicit the answer he wants. “I have a fantastic movie I just rented about a man with arachnophobia, the fear of spiders,” he was really trying to sell it, “in the movie he has to defend his village from prehistoric deadly spiders! DESPITE HIS FEAR OF SPIDERS!”
Gai doesn’t show it in his face but his voice betrays him. Even with all his excitement around his movie choice, Kakashi could pick out the faint sound of worry. The incongruity of it all is alarming to Kakashi.
“Can he tell I am standing on a ledge? Is he going to try to talk me down?”
Gai continues to fill the silence with words, “I haven’t had anyone to watch it with me and I need to return the tape tomorrow.” He hits Kakashi with the puppy dog eyes.
He thinks Gai might be lying about the tape needing to be returned tomorrow but he doesn’t want to leave just as much as Gai wants him to stay. “Okay, I’ll watch the prehistoric spider movie with you.”
He finds his usual spot on the couch. He had watched plenty of dumb horror movies with Gai before this one, of course, never in the middle of the night - without even being invited over.
Gai brings the tea from the kitchen and pops the tape in the VCR. The film opens to two men in a jungle collecting spiders. “FANTASTIC! The person that rented this before me rewound the video.” Gai said, pleased. Gai doesn’t attempt to ask anymore questions about why Kakashi just showed up in the middle of the night.
As the movie progresses, their bodies slide, unintentionally, closer together due to the sagging couch. They are both fine with this. They had shared a single tiny tent when on missions, bandaged each other's wounds, and, of course, sparred and wrestled with each other to practice their fighting skills. Being physically close was a norm in their friendship. Though, sometimes Kakashi fantasized about what it would be like if they became more physically close.
“What would Gai’s lips feel like on mine?”
Thoughts about Gai would roll through his head along with arousing images of their bodies grinding against each other. To him, these were intrusive thoughts and desires that he pushed away when they manifested in his mind-- just like his nightmares.
He had suspicions that Gai might share similar fantasies. He was almost certain Gai was attracted to other men. On an occasion or two Gai had alluded to this fact in casual conversation. But they had never spoken openly about either of their desires, whatever they might be.
Being shinobi and desiring one of the same gender was complicated. They lived in conservative times and homosexaully was met with hostility. But not everyone shared these sentiments. Minato, his mentor, didn’t.
Looking back, Minato must have suspected his promising student might struggle socially due to, in part, his disinterest in girls. Kakashi remembers Minato taking him aside and giving him an awkward and drawn out talk about how, “... differences create beauty in the world...but some people can’t see the beauty so try to destroy these differences in others…etc.” . Kakashi got the message, “It’s okay you’re gay but some people are not going to like that--and try to kill you.”
The movie is bad but doesn’t matter. Gai’s eyes are glued to the screen, loving every minute of the deadly spiders invading the village. In contrast, he stares at the screen with no emotion; he is not really watching.
All of sudden and with no warning, he feels all the thoughts he had been pushing away bubble up and bubble over like a forgotten kettle of water on the stove. His heart is pounding.
“Turn around! The real one is behind you.”
The thought of his opponent from his mission, fighting for his life, floods into his consciousness. An image of bloody dieing Rin whispering in his ear follows.
“Kakashi…”
Abruptly, visions of him on top of Gai on the couch spawn in his mind. Legs intertwined, pelvic bone to pelvic bone, grinding on each other. These images churned his stomach. Not because he finds them disturbing like the previous thoughts but because he fears the consequences of these desires.
Feelings of regret for when he knocked on Gai’s door swirls into the mix of emotions and an intense wave of fear washes over him. He can’t breathe.
“I can’t breathe!”
“...”
“Kakashi. Everything is okay. You’re okay.”,
The movie is now paused.
He hears Gai’s voice drift through the room, tender and stabilizing, “You're safe here”. Gai's voice comes off as is truly assuring in this moment.
He chokes on the emotions welling up inside of him. His throat burns as he tries to regain control. He feels like his trademark mask that he wears like a second skin is blocking the air from entering his lungs so he pulls it down under his chin, not thinking about the fact Gai had never seen him without the mask.
He is losing this fight. Tears begin streaming down his face. He can’t control it now. He won’t try. It feels too good to let it all out. Gasping to inhale and sobbing to exhale, he cries uncontrollably. He lays his head down on Gai’s shoulder and holds onto Gai's arm. Gai embraces him. Right now if feels like he will never be able to stop crying.
Time moves in a distorted cadence like it does in a dream. He doesn’t know how much time has passed.
The movie was still paused.
Slowly, tears and panic subside and he feels relief. He finally raises his head and pulls away from Gai. It’s quiet now. Kakashi can feel Gai’s eyes watching him. Meeting Gai’s gaze, he feels at peace with his thoughts.
He notices that Gai looks really beautiful right now. He has always looked handsome to Kakashi in a strange way. His body was, well, perfect. Perfect from hours and hours of training. Kakashi knows he doesn’t train to look good but it is a stunning side effect. His face is cute but goofy. Ridiculously bushy eyebrows dance with limitless expression over his warm welcoming eyes when he talks.
But his attraction to Gai was not just physical. What really draws him in is Gai’s light. Gai was a happy person. Some, that didn’t know Gai like Kakashi did, might think Gai’s happiness was just a facade, a mask he put on over other emotions. But Gai wore no masks. Of course he had his share of heartbreaks and painful memories. But he was a master of taming his own emotions and was ultimately happy. Kakashi wore a mask, literally and figuratively, to hide his true feelings.
The two lean in closer to each other on the couch. Their opposite legs are touching from hip to knee as they sit next to each other. The space between their faces is closing in but they do not break off their gaze.
“What would Gai’s lips feel like on mine?”
The same thought from earlier resurfaces but wears a different emotion. It’s no longer a fear inducing thought. He can feel the soft tiny breaths Gai is taking around his mouth that tickle his nose. There are only millimeters between their lips now.
“Can I kiss you?” Gai whispers.
Kakashi makes a single affirming nod before their lips finally meet, pressing together squarely to form a first kiss. His skin tickles with goosebumps. Gai’s lips playfully capture his bottom lip before a suckle draws it into Gai's mouth slightly. His lip is held captive for a half second, may be more, before it is released just as gently as it was taken. The tips of their tongues touch between smooched lips but recoil back into their respective mouths in a bout of shyness.
The speed and intensity in which the lips are rearranging each other increases and Gai brings both of his hands to Kakashi’s face. Gai holds Kakashi’s face in cupped hands, thumbs rest softly on his lower cheeks--fingers pressing into the nape of his neck.
Kakashi’s own fingers search for a resting place. His left hand has to fall to the couch to support the mildly awkward position they are in as Gai’s hands pull him in closer with a soft force. His right hand floats across Gai's abdomen and finds itself on the left side of Gai’s chest. He squeezes Gai’s firm peck and feels his nipple sharply protruding from underneath the worn t-shirt. He breathes sharply as Gai goes to recline backwards, lengthwise, on the couch.
He doesn't follow. A temporary moment of doubt. Gai instantly releases his hands from Kakashi as he pulls away. Suddenly, Gai is taken off guard when Kakashi leans back in, grabbing the back of Gai’s head with his hand. They fall back on the couch embracing each other. Things intensify as small loud breaths create a symphony for their dance.
Kakashi had spent most of his life honing his awareness of his surroundings but in this moment he is aware of nothing but man lying underneath him. Arching his back to grind his hips against Gai’s, he savoirs the sensations in his body. Desire has overtaken the both of them and Gai bites down on Kakashi’s lip mid-kiss.
“Ouch!” Kakashi turns his head away from Gai. “Too hard!”
“Sorry! Sorry… I got caught up in youthful passion!!! Are you okay, Rival?”
He quickly sits up off of Gai, sucking on his bruising lip. Gai follows suit and they both return to sitting next to each other. He knows Gai didn’t mean to bite him so hard, but it has sobered his mind. The moment is gone.
Their legs are no longer touching and the energy in the room that had fueled their actions evaporates. After a short awkward silence, neither of them willing to address what just happened and Gai presses play on the movie. They sit in silence staring at the screen while time drifts by.
Eventually, Kakashi cannot fight the urge to close his eyes. His mind goes dark and he falls asleep.
--
“What is that sound?”, he wonders as his waking mind begins to process the day. It's early in the morning now. He is slightly disoriented from not remembering exactly when he fell asleep the night before.
The sound in question persists. He is still on Gai’s couch. So is Gai, sprawled out and lying flat on his back. Adjusting his head band over his Sharingan, as it had moved in the night, he sits up so his body is no longer wedged between the back on the couch and Gai.
“Ugh. He really snores.” He shakes Gai to wake him. “We must have fallen asleep during the movie.”
The TV, still on, is lit with gray static. The loud rhythmic snoring stops as Gai’s eyes flutter open. For a brief moment, He is equally as disoriented as Kakashi was. He looks around and then turns his gaze to Kakashi, smiling sweetly. “Good Morning Rival!”
“Mhhh.” Kakashi responds. His mouth is intensely dry.
“Wow.” Gai yawns and stretches his whole body. He flexes his legs and points his toes out over Kakashi’s lap while pulling his arms up over his head. Gai's t-shirt floats up over his belly, showing off an ever so prominent v shape where his obliques meet his abdominal muscles. “I don’t even remember falling asleep,” he says with a bright and cheery tone.
Sitting up, he brings his feet back to the floor while reaching for Kakashi's face. He goes to pull up Kakashi’s mask, still hanging around his neck, as if it was something he has done a thousand times before. Kakashi jerks away and catches Gai’s hand in the air before he fixes his mask himself.
“Gai, about last night...” he instinctively wants to make an excuse for what happened. He expects Gai to cut him off again but he doesn’t. Gai waits and listens wearing a warm but neutral expression on his face. “I don’t know what happened.” Nothing from Gai still.
“What is he thinking? I want him to say something.”
The silence in the room is grand but not uncomfortable, yet.
“I am glad you came over.” Gai says with absolute sincerity.
Kakashi is sure that was the end of their “talk” about the events of last night and goes to stand up but Gai continues.
“Kakashi, I don’t want the darkness to consume you.”, Gai makes firm eye contact. “I am scared that someday you won’t find your way here in the night and… I will lose you to it completely.”
This conversation is not going to be about kissing. He has never heard Gai speak like this before. His tone is soft, quiet even. Gai and him have had serious conversations and Gai spoke in serious tones before. But not like this.
Gai inhales with confidence. “You are my best friend. My rival. I am pretty sure I lo..”
“Gai! Don’t.”Kakashi stops him just in time. He is not ready to find out exactly how that sentence ends. Though, deep down he already knows. He had known for a while whether he was conscious of it or not. He was guided here last night by the warmth of Gai’s love. It saved him from the dark thoughts that tried to consume him mere hours agos.
Gai looks up at Kakashi slightly hurt by his abrupt response.
“Please don’t misunderstand. You are my best friend too. I am pretty sure I love you too. But I am not ready. I am not ready to say what is true out loud. I am not ready to face that part of myself or return your feelings. I am not ready to face the consequences of those feelings. I know you think I am strong but in a lot of ways you are much stronger. So don’t finish that sentence just yet.” It is all so simple in his mind but can’t change the thoughts to words in his mouth.
The silence persists. Gai waits patiently for Kakashi to say something more but instead…
“I am going to be late to a briefing over last night's mission. I will see you later.”, Kakashi gives him nothing.
Kakashi leaves. He walks down the streets back to his apartment as warm morning sunlight washes over him but nothing has changed. The night will come again but at least he has somewhere to go to escape the darkness.