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It is early and the sun has not yet peaked out over the treeline, the wind is calm, and the training ground is quiet. He likes the ambiance of a training ground early in the morning. He takes his next inhale and falls to the ground into a pushup.
Training Ground 21 was one of his favorites. It was the perfect training ground for him, as it had sandy spots that provided a mobility challenge, rocky spots that tested his flexibility and balance, and a few trees lined the south edge that could potentially be used for target practice, though often he just used them to take a break in the shade.
“Let’s go! 500 pushups for youth!” he thought to himself as he completed his daily training regimen. “One...Two...Three…”
Training was a meditative act for him. While he bobbed up and down, in a rhythmic pattern pressing against the earth, he would become mindful, bringing his attention into the present moment without judgment.
“Gai! Don’t…” Kakashi's voice, from nights ago, imposes itself.
He exhales and lets the thought enter his mind before calling his attention back to the present.
“Forty-Seven… Forty-Eight…”
He maintains his candace and centers his breath but his mind does not obey. It is flicking through images from a few nights ago when Kakashi knocked on his door at 2 in the morning. He sees Kakashi’s face in his mind’s eye, it was unclear even now what cued Gai in on his friend's fragile emotional state. But he knew something was indeed wrong. The fear he felt for his friend that night wells up.
“Seventy-One… Seventy-Two… What if I hadn’t been home? What if I was on a mission? Where would he have gone? Would he have ended things?”
This was not the first time Gai had pondered that possibility of his Dearest Rival taking his own life. Kakashi’s father ended his own life when they were children, the thought of Kakashi taking the same path from this world scared him.
He accepts the fear. It is a natural emotion with no more or less value than any other emotion one might feel. Fear can be useful, it can keep one safe. He befriends the fear he feels, allowing it to exist in his mind but not control him.
“Eighty-Nine… Ninety… Ninety-One…”
Many saw Kakashi as cold, incapable of having emotional ties. That could have not been further from the truth. Gai knew his friend better than anyone and knew that Kakashi’s greatest skill was not copying jutsu with his Sharingan, or controlling the eminence power of his Chidori, or any of his other fantastical fight skills-- it was his ability to appear in control when he was spiraling. Though, lately, the Kakashi he knew was fading.
“One-Hundred… I have to save him from the horrors of Anbu… I can’t lose him...”
He was losing his center. He needed to bring his mind back to the present. Gai focuses on his breath and looks inward. He can worry for Kakashi and find calmness in his mind at the same time, the two were not necessarily mutually exclusive.
“One-Hundred and Twenty-Four… I probably shouldn’t have kissed him…”
There it was. The kiss.
Of course, Gai had wanted to kiss Kakashi for some time. What person wouldn’t lust for the silver-haired shinobi with the cold demeanor? But his desires were much more than just a simple attraction. Recently, he had become aware of the true depth of his feelings toward Kakashi, searching for enough vigor to be truly vulnerable with his friend and confess his love.
But that night was far from what Gai had envisioned for their first kiss. Kakashi was incredibly vulnerable that night, and Gai acted without thinking about the consequences of instigating a kiss between friends. Worse, his confession was apprehended by Kakashi before it could even leave Gai’s lips. His friend was not going to hear it.
“What if this changes everything... Our friendship… Our rivalry…”
Too many things were left unsaid that night. He regretted that. He was angry with himself for taking advantage of a tender moment with his friend. He was angry at Kakashi for leaving his apartment so abruptly, knowing there was more to say. With another inhale and exhale he accepts what happened in the past, lets go of his regrets and pledges to do better in the future.
“One-Hundred and… I need to tell him how I feel. Before something happens and it's too late.”
He hadn’t had a chance to catch Kakashi alone since that night. Not that catching him would happen before Kakashi was good and ready.
“Yo,” an apathetic voice interrupts his running mind.
He jumps to his feet with a smile. Kakashi jumps down from a tree on the outskirts of the training ground to land a few feet from him. Kakashi looks emotionless and indifferent but Gai knows he is not here by chance.
“Gotcha!”
Gai’s smile widens, “Hello Rival! Here to spar with me?” he says with excitement sparking off of his voice.
“No. I was just looking for an empty training ground,” Kakashi says in his characteristically flat tone.
“You can’t fool me Rival! You are never up and training this early in the morning!”
“Oh, Very good. You must keep up your training, it's good for the soul,” Gai yells into the sky with his fist raised in triumph. His eyes dart back to Kakashi and he waits. This is their dance and he knows all the steps by heart.
“So, about that night,” Kakashi's tone becomes tender as he steps closer to Gai. “I--”.
“This is my chance. Say the things I should have said that night. ”
Gai can’t contain his need to apologize and explain his actions. He really should let Kakashi finish his sentence-- he knows that, but he can’t. He did not fully let go of his regrets from that night like he had thought he did. “Kakashi, I am sorry for…” he pauses to double-check that they are truly alone, “...kissing you when you were--.”
“Gai, don’t apologize,” Kakashi signed to himself, “I said yes when you asked to kiss me. It’s fine.” His visible eye softens.
Gai feels the warmth of relief, Kakashi is not upset about the kiss. But just as easily as he pulls Gai in, he pushes him away.
“But…” Kakashi continues his previous thought with a firmer tone.
Just as Gai’s heart begins to sink, their pivotal interaction is cut short by the sense of two chakra signatures approaching the training ground. Instinctively, the two men take a step back from each other, creating a flimsy illusion of a more distant relationship.
Gai recognizes the signatures immediately, it’s his teammates Genma and Ebisu. They are probably here to fetch Gai for a mission.
“Damn. Their timing couldn’t be worse. There is still so much to say!”
As they approach Gai, Genma raises an eyebrow to a tense Kakashi. “Hey,” Genma nods with an air of distrust at the masked man he always seems to find speaking in hushed tones around Gai.
Kakashi pays no attention to Gai’s teammate and gives Gai a look before disappearing into the treeline, leaving to supposedly go train. Genma and Ebisu share a suspicious look between them and turn to Gai to relay official business.
“We have been assigned a mission and need to be at the village gate by noon,” Ebisu reports as he hands Gai the mission brief.
“Thank you for informing me. I will be ready for anything at the village gate, at noon!” Gai enthusiastically responds. Though, he is not truly sure he will be ready for anything. The unresolved feelings between Kakashi and him weigh heavy on his mind.
“Good,” Ebisu states professionally. “We will see you then.”
--
Gai arrives at the village gate at a quarter till noon, so as not to be late. He did not expect Ebisu or Genma to be there. They are good shinobi but do not have the punctuality that Gai had.
The mission brief had been just that: brief. Gai and his team were to be given a set of scrolls at the village gate, with no details about what the scrolls contained. They were to deliver those scrolls to a shinobi team in the Land of Rivers.
As he waits for his teammates to arrive, he decides to practice his endurance doing a handstand, on his fingertips, until one of his teammates appears.
“Best not let the time of my youth go to waste.”
The sun was hot and this task required strength, balance, and concentration. The latter was proving to be difficult.
“What does Kakashi want? Do we want the same thing? Where was that ‘But…’ going? If only we had a few more minutes before Genma and Ebisu showed up. Ugh!”
Gai wobbled on his fingertips. He was losing focus but it was a moot point because Ebisu was strolling up the village gate. Gai lowered himself onto his palms before swinging his legs, his right followed by his left, back down to the ground underneath him, completing the move by raising his upper body to greet his teammate.
“Ready for our mission?” Gai rang out in excitement.
“Where’s Genma?” Ebisu says dryly as he scans the area by the gate. He knew just as well as Gai that Genma would be the last to arrive. “Ugh. Can he just be on time for once?” He is already showing frustration with his team.
At 10 minutes past the hour, Genma arrives at the village gate. As if being watched, a leaf shinobi appeared just as a Genma approaches. She hands the three men the scrolls they are supposed to deliver.
"Choza wanted me to wish you luck,” the shinobi says and promptly walks back into the village giving the squad no other details about their mission.
“How nice. Well wishes from our sensei!” Gai states while Ebisu and Genma shrug the whole exchange off. They were still under the impression that this mission was going to be simple.
The squad takes off from the village, bounding through the trees in their usual formation. Each man is carrying one of the three mysterious scrolls. No one talks as they make their way, a day’s journey, to the Land of Rivers.
Gai can’t help but let his mind wander as he repeatedly lands and pushes off just to land on another large branch moving closer to the mission rendezvous point one bound at a time.
“When I get back, I’ll find Kakashi and we will talk. We will have the whole talk-- we will leave nothing out.”
A sudden attack from the ground brings Gai out of his head. Shuriken and kunai suddenly fill the air. He looks for Ebisu and Genma but they had already sensed the oncoming attack and took cover.
“We are under attack? Who?”
They had passed the border of the Land of Fire hours ago and were in less familiar territory now. Gai prepares to attack but can’t find an enemy.
“Where is the enemy?”
More shuriken and kunai fly in every direction but there is no attacker to be seen. Suddenly, Gai is hit with a swift kick to the side that throws him to the ground. He is looking but can’t see anyone around. He reaches back into his hip pouch and finds the scroll in his custody has been taken.
“Damn. The scroll! Is this attacker invisible? What jutsu could--”
His head is not in the game. In the confusion, he misses a signal from Genma to retreat to the canopy. Genma rushes in to oppose the unseen threat as Gai rolls backward onto his feet before launching forward to strike. The two teammates collide on the battlefield leaving both of them open to attack.
Genma is hit by a barrage of kunai, deflecting most with his own weapon; the bright tinging sound from sharp edge after sharp edge clashing in the heat of battle rings out. Gai just barely deflects the assault by coming down onto his hands to flare his legs out in a 360-degree motion, making contact with something, a body, in the process. With his teammates still in distress, Ebisu jumps to the forest floor, igniting a smoke bomb to aid a retreat. The three barely escape the chaos, scattering into the woods in different directions.
Finally, the squad regroups after Ebisu sends out a chakra flare, signaling the coast appears clear. The three shinobi reunite in a clearing as the sun proceeds to set. Their mission has been compromised.
Gai first sees Ebisu as he enters the small clearing. Ebisu looks angry, angrier than he had expected.
“Hey! What is wrong with you today?” Ebisu flumes at Gai.
“Sorry, I was distracted.” He knows he let his team down back there. “I lost my scroll... Is Genma?”
“I’ll be alright. It’s just a scratch.” Genma limps from into the clearing, blood seeping through his right pant leg. Looks like he had been hit in the upper thigh. Genma gives Gai an empathic look like he is willing to let this mistake go but Ebisu is still irate.
“No! It’s not alright. You could have gotten Genma killed!” He approaches Gai, grabbing the front of his jumpsuit with both fists and pulling his feet off the ground. Gai grips Ebisu’s wrists in an attempt to lessen the chance of Ebisu throwing him across the clearing. He can feel Ebisu’s pulse in his wrists he is gripping so tightly.
“I don’t give a fuck about what is going on between you and your silver-haired girlfriend.” His reference to Kakashi is half-joke, half insult, with a little conjecture, sprinkled on top. He shakes Gai in his fists as he yells. Practically foaming at the mouth, rabid.
Gai had never told either of his teammates about his feelings toward Kakashi or around his love interests in general. He was not sure they would react with kindness if told the truth. Both Genma and Ebisu were the kind of men one couldn’t really tell how they would react to queerness existing so close to them-- a part of their 3-man-squad.
“ You leave that shit behind when you are out here with us.” He peered into Gai's eyes with unyielding power.
Gai knew Ebisu was right about one thing; he needed to focus on the mission.
“Okay. We get it. Now can everyone just take a breath?” Genma is not the typical peacemaker of the group but was trying to keep everyone civil. “We still have to complete the mission. We still have two of the three scrolls.” Genma breaks the tension with mission talk and Ebisu reluctantly lets go of Gai’s jumpsuit.
Ebisu and Gai continue their altercation via stare down as Genma awkwardly drops trou to bandage his wounded leg. When Genma’s ready, the three jump back into the canopy and proceed toward the rendezvous point.
The fact that no one even saw, even a glimpse of, their attacker made them uncertain of a second attack. The darkness of the night sets in as Genma labors to keep up. His stab wound continues to reopen under the poor bandaging job that had been done an hour or so ago. They agree to make camp for the night and continue toward the rendezvous point at first light.
As the three men sit on the forest floor, faces barely illuminated by the smallest and most inconspicuous fire they could make, they relax a bit.
Their squad had been an odd pairing from the get-go. Gai was the weird kid in their class at the Ninja Academy, making it difficult for his teachers to place him on a 3-man-squad after graduation. Additionally, he only could use Taijutsu, making it difficult to create a team with a balanced skillset. He wanted nothing more than to be the best for Genma and Ebisu. They were strong shinobi and he didn’t want to let them down.
The three men that started missions together as boys exchange glances with each other but no one speaks. Genma looks like he is in pain and needs to take his mind off it so he strikes up some juicy conversation.
He smiles maliciously before speaking. “So…” he says pointing to Gai with a nod “What were you and the silver hound talking about when we showed up?” Genma pries into a matter he has nothing to do with. He was addicted to gossip and could not let go of a possibly salacious story. “You both got real quiet when you saw us.” He was smirking.
Gai had been careful to never tell Genma and Ebisu any compromising details about Kakashi and his relationship, not that there had been any until a few nights ago. But they were his teammates and no dummies. Gai was sure that they had speculated about him and Kakashi.
After all, he didn’t fawn after the scantily clad women in the pages of Ebisu’s magazines. Or flirt with the young women at tea shops along the road to and from missions like Genma. On the same hand, Gai spent most of his free time with Kakashi, sparring and completing exciting challenges no other rival would even entertain the thought of. The two had taken note of this and had begun to test Gai.
They took to pointing out pretty women and asking for his opinion, asking about who he liked in the village, and grilling him about whether he would get married in the future. They were keeping a closer eye on his friendship with Kakashi too. It was becoming a strange game all three of them would play.
But Gai played his hand close to his chest. He trusted Genma and Ebisu with his life on the battlefield, but could he trust them with this particular truth? He didn’t know.
“Would they betray me-- reveal my secret if I told them? Worse, would they react with violence toward me? I could take them...I think. Yeah, Genma’s hurt, and I could take Ebisu. I should trust them, they are my teammates. Do I trust them?”
“So?” Ebisu presses Gai for an answer. He was less obvious than Genma but he was hungry for a good story too.
“We were just talking about training,” Gai states nonchalantly, deciding to reveal nothing.
“You lie. You two were talking about something serious,” Genma is not backing down. He had taken a kunai to the thigh and wanted something for it from Gai.
“Something happened a few nights ago and we haven’t had a chance to discuss it.” Gai could shrug them off or come up with a lie but he is feeling guilty for his absent-mindedness earlier and kinda wants to be honest with them. He might be making his second mistake of the day here. “I don’t really know where we stand now, as friends.”
They both stare at Gai. Gai stares back with a blank expression.
“Okay. I am going to say it…” Genma was powering up for something big. Ebisu watches Genma like he was about to hit an apple off Gai’s head with a shuriken.
“Did y’all fuck?”
Ebisu’s eyes widen to the size of saucers. He’s shoving the last of his food pills into his mouth as he takes in the show. Suspense engulfs the forest floor where they sit.
Gai looked at Genma plainly.
“Okay, I am going to trust them. Please be okay with this.”
He shook his head, “Uh, no. Nothing like that.” They may have lulled him into a false sense of security or maybe they truly didn’t care about the sexuality of their teammate. Whatever had led him to this level of honesty, it didn’t matter. It was too late to shirt the truth now. “We just kissed.”
His two teammates erupt into a chaos of muffled shouting and cheers as they both leap to their feet. Poorly masking their sounds from possible threats in the surrounding woods.
“Whaaaat--?!”, Genma exclaimed in disbelief.
“--I was fucking right!” Ebisu retorts nodding to Genma. “I fucking told you.” He punches his finger at Genma. Their faces brim with pride that they have finally uncovered the truth.
“I guess they had already known… Kinda.”
Getting back to the matter at hand, Genma continues, “Man, you and the Cold-Blooded Kakashi huh?”
“Don’t call him that.” Gai’s face takes on a grimness that catches Genma and Ebisu off guard. “He’s not that person.”
Kakashi had a reputation that preceded him everywhere he went. He had been given the epithet, Cold-Blooded Kakashi due to all the - mostly true - rumors of his ruthlessness as an Anbu assassin. He couldn’t fault the two of them for their view of Kakashi, no one seemed to know the same man he knew, the Warm-Hearted Kakashi. But this dark view of Kakashi was so widely shared it made Gai question if knew the real one anymore.
“Maybe I’m the one that doesn't know the real Hatake Kakashi.”
“Anyway, we are not together. It was just a kiss. It probably didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean,” Gai is surprised by his openness on the subject.
Genma and Ebisu fall silent. With Gai’s final confession about the matter, they realize just how deep the well they stumbled upon really is.
“That’s rough buddy,” Genma tries to comfort his friend but it has no substance. Intimacy between male friends rarely clears the bar. It’s not Genma’s fault, he was just as much a product of their culture as any of them. Enough talk about Kakashi, time to redirect.
“You're okay with this, right?” Gai just wants to double-check. He had never come out to anyone before. “You’re okay with me as your teammate still? It doesn't offend you?”
It’s quiet at first, then Ebisu breaks into a laugh. “I am not offended by it. Are you?” He looks at Genma.
“Ha, no. Being gay is not one of your offensive traits.” Genma proves his sentiments by lovingly teasing Gai about all the things he dislikes about him, “Wanting to train at the ass crack of dawn, your intense enthusiasm for anything , and that nauseating jumpsuit are just a few of the qualities offend us daily.” Genma adds in a more serious tone, “I don’t think it matters whose face you want to see in your bed when you get back from a long mission. It’s all the same.”
Ebisu nods in agreement, “We are your teammates. We gotta stick together and watch each other's backs.” He looks at Genma and they both nod with a serious expression, first to each other then to Gai, a sincere resolve to protect Gai from the hostility of prejudice if he were to encounter it.
Gai smiles back at the both of them and wonders why it had taken him so long, to be honest with the closest people in his life.
“My team accepts. I could cry right now!”
Gai tears well up in his eyes and his lip begins to quiver. “No! Don’t start crying!” Genma gripes as flings himself backward into the dirt for comedic effect.
Ebisu rolls his eyes, “Your crying is another one of your offensive traits.”
“I can’t help it. Joy has overtaken me!” Gai says tears running down his face. The team breaks out into laughter; nothing remains unsaid.
--
In the night a twig snap wakes him.
“An ambush!”
Kunai clink together and he hears Ebisu and Genma yell out into the dark, panic coats their voices. He hears Ebisu cry out in pain and knows he has been struck. He can’t hear Genma’s voice anymore. A soft flutter of something light, light enough to float on the wind, falls in front of his face.
Paper bomb.
“This is it. I never got to tell Kakashi how I feel...”