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It’s hot in his room; too hot for the sheets to cover all of his body. The sheets are draped over his torso and upper thighs like they would in a tasteful painting of the human form. As he lays in bed, he thinks about him, again. He feels he shouldn’t. He shouldn’t dwell on this moment like he does. Like this is some bad habit he is forming. He stares at the ceiling, but he is looking inward. Going back over a memory he has viewed so many times it plays out like a scene in a movie. He relives every second from that night he kissed a man.
Leaning closer and closer into each other on the sagging couch. The earthy scent of his body. The firmness of his chest. His sharp nipples bumped up under the worn t-shirt. Baggy sweats hanging off hips, his V cut peeking out from his waistband. Legs tangle as hips move, grazing across each other.
In his mind, he takes the moment further than it went in reality, creating a fantasy not entirely fiction, but somewhere between a memory and a dream.
Running a hand down the side of his body, feeling his ribs expand and contract with every heavy pant. Fingertips tracing his waistband and finding their way under…
He embraces the fantasy fully as he closes his eyes and does what one does, alone with their lustful thoughts. In some ways, this is better than the real thing. He doesn’t have to manage anyone else's expectations, physically or emotionally.
If the relationship he dreams of was real, it would be too fragile. It would surely break apart if it existed in reality. He cannot risk losing any of the relationship they currently share, nor can he risk giving away more of his heart to a shinobi: an expendable tool of war.
His breath labors and shakes as he completes his fantasy. He opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling once more, gulping down air to catch his breath, swallowing hard. As his heartbeat slows, he considers the current situation.
What made this entirely different from any enchantments of the past was that, this time, it was more than an everyday variety of lustful crush. These were deep and passionate feelings for a man that also happened to be his closest friend.
“If I lose his friendship pursuing a childlike fantasy of romantic love, I will have nothing.”
The intricacies of the situation mirrored the petals of a flower. At first glance, things appear simple to him, but as he lays in his room he discovers the many different and individual feelings that commingle inside him...
“What could be gained? It’s not like we could just walk down the street holding hands and whispering in each other's ear like they do in Icha Icha. I don’t even want that...I think?”
Sitting up on his elbows to see the clock mounted above the kitchenette in his one room apartment he realizes he is going to be late.
“Shit…”
He groans as he sits up all the way, kicking his sheets off in the process. He feels gross.
“I have to stop thinking about Gai.”
He had promised Tenzo, his junior in Anbu, that he would help with a new technique with his kekkei genkai, a unique ability to create and manipulate wood, at the training grounds today.
He makes no haste, even though he knows he is going to be late. He proceeds to shower, getting lost in thought and running out of hot water. He makes his favorite breakfast, tamago kake gohan, and then finishes his morning chores including folding his futon and sliding it to the corner of his single room apartment. He is definitely going to be late now. Tenzo will be mad, but he does not care.
As he leaves his apartment he nods to himself, recommitting to ending things with Gai before they start.
“It was a one time thing. The feelings will eventually go away. It’s safer this way...better to leave it alone. I will not engage. ”
--
He makes his way to a training ground reserved for Anbu training and operations at a leisurely pace. He briefly pictures Tenzo’s reaction to his very tardy arrival and smiles. He ignores those he passes by, including a number of older high ranking ninja standing around the Admin Building looking tense. It is never a good sign to see a gathering at the Admin Building.
“Hmm. By the looks on their faces, someone screwed the pooch.”
He smirks to himself at the thought and continues on his way.
He takes the long way there because he is enjoying the walk and his book. He reads an especially exciting passage as he strolls past the hospital. A commotion demands that he take his eye off the page. Scanning the side of the hospital for the source he sees a nurse yelling at a patient in one of the windows. More nurses run in as the patient, unrecognizable to him from where he is viewing, is yelling and struggling to remove the tubes and cords so he can get up.
“Shinobi must be terribly difficult patients. I would hate to be a medical ninja.”
He returns his gaze to his book - the drama at the hospital is none of his business - and saunters on to meet Tenzo.
The Anbu training ground is tucked away, secluded. As he turns the corner he sees Tenzo standing at the entrance of the training ground, arms crossed in front of his chest. An adorably stern look is plastered on his face for Kakashi’s benefit alone. By the looks of it, he has been standing there for a while.
“Oh good, he’s mad.”
Kakashi silently chuckled to himself. He got a sick satisfaction from annoying Tenzo and making him mad. It was too easy, the fifteen-year-old, although doing his best to look threatening when mad, always came off as just plain cute to Kakashi. His especially round puppy-dog eyes were adorable with a furled brow and pouty frown that would make anyone want to pinch his slightly chubby cheeks.
“Hello,” Kakashi playfully flaps his hand at Tenzo, smiling with his eyes to ensure Tenzo could see his expression despite his mask.
“Thanks for bothering to show,” Tenzo says in an overly dramatic tone. He looks like he is trying out for the role of angsty teen #2.
The juxtaposition of Tenzo’s childlike nature and his skills as an elite assassin were not lost on Kakashi. Tenzo was Anbu, same as him. He had the resolve of a trained hunter; he was a killer. Despite that he had a youthful, almost jovial, personality. The crown jewel was a need to pout and complain over life’s little inconveniences.
Kakashi recalled a return trip from a mission to the Land of Snow. After skillfully executing their targets, Tenzo, knowing their mission was behind them, began incessantly whining about how cold he was. To silence his junior, Kakashi offered him his scarf. Tenzo, after accepting the caring gesture, promptly noted that the scarf was itchy on his face and an ugly color. It was at that moment Kakashi learned that Tenzo complains for sport, for the love of the game.
“Sorry, sorry, little Tenzu-chan,” Kakashi delivers a mock apology and adds a fake frown to his face just for the comedic value. “I got sidetracked on the way here by--”
Tenzo, not amused in the slightest, turns and walks into the training grounds. He emphasizes the swing of his hips as he rebukes Kakashi and says, “Don’t give me your ridiculous excuses.”
He wants to show Kakashi the new technique he had created and now it’s his turn to make Kakashi wait. You cannot rush an artist, or an assassin. As he prepares, he takes his time finding his fighting stance, shifting from side to side, and looking around as if he needs to be sure he won’t hit anything when he finally launches his attack. It’s all part of a curated performance for his senior.
The teen had proven himself to Kakashi on some of the most challenging missions he had ever been assigned. He killed without hesitation. Without remorse. He had the utmost respect for Tenzo and what he was capable of. Moreso, he was awestruck by how easily Tenzo could be a stone cold killer one minute, then turn around and be happy-go-lucky and empathic the next.
Although Kakashi is enjoying the show Tenzo is putting on, he finds a place to sit on the ground and pull out his book, “Icha Icha: Romance , ” from his back pocket. He is sure this will spark an exquisite protest from Tenzo.
“Now let’s see how he reacts when I pull out my book.”
“Ah...HEY!” Tenzo shouts at Kakashi, his already large round eyes grow even bigger as he dawns the face of a conservative woman reacting to someone's distasteful clothing. Kakashi is happy; he gets the reaction he desires.
“Do NOT just sit and read that book. You are here to analyze my technique!” Bending over at the waist with his hands on his hips, he scolds Kakashi for his supposed disinterest.
With a cool smile, just noticeable in his eyes, Kakashi responds to Tenzo’s award-winning spectacle, “I can do both.”
Tenzo adored Kakashi. He looked up to him and Kakashi knew it. It was sweet. Save a guy from his ill fate as a child soldier for the militant village extremist, Danzo, and he will admire you forever. Tenzo’s admiration for him made this little game they played that much better to Kakashi.
“Just watch!” Tenzo whines, throwing his hands in the air with mock displeasure.
Kakashi puts his hands up in surrender but keeps his thumb in his book, holding his page. “I am watching Tenzu,” Kakashi states in a plastic tone.
Right before Tenzo prepares to perform his new technique, he states, “I thought you might not even come today.”
“Hmmm?” Kakashi says in a playful manner. One hand in his pocket, he watches Tenzo crouch down on one knee and create hand seals. Ruminating on Tenzo’s previous statement, he takes the bait, “Why would you think I wouldn’t show? I am not that mean to you, my kohai. Am I?”
Kakashi adored Tenzo too. The teen was a part of the incredibly short list of people Kakashi named as a friend. Tenzo understood who Kakashi was when he wore his Anbu-issued dog mask. He knew the unknowable darkness. He was the only one that truly did.
Tenzo stops, stands, and looks at Kakashi, straight-faced. “No. It’s not that. I just thought you would have heard about Team Choza and gone to the--”
“What about Team Choza?” Kakashi asks the question in a serious voice. He shifts his weight to his right leg and stands.
“The group at the Admin Building! Gai! Fuck, what happened?!”
“I guess they didn’t make it to their rendezvous point. They were found somewhere just inside the border, talking crazy about ghosts and invisible shinobi...” he shrugs as he mumbles the last bit and kneels back down as if nothing he said was anything of importance. Before he weaves his hand signs to perform his technique, he glances back at Kakashi for his reaction.
Kakashi catches Tenzo’s glance.
“Ugh, he is studying me. Looking for something.”
“Say it,” Kakashi barks, ordering Tenzo to say what is on his mind.
“I don’t really see what you see in him ,” Tenzo comments, he sounds almost jealous.
Kakashi stares at him with no reaction, a statement in itself.
“I don’t have time to entertain Tenzo’s innocent crush. I need to get to the hospital.”
Kakashi made the connection to the commotion he took little interest in earlier. Gai’s team must have failed, and failed badly. Mission objective not achieved. Someone was hurt badly. Potentially dead.
“Tenzo, I need to go,” he delicately asks for permission but he will go with or without it. He nods at Tenzo, prompting him for the answer he wants. He needs Tenzo to understand.
“Go. I’ll show my new technique to you some other time,” he said. He understood everything.
--
Leaving the training grounds he heads straight for the hospital, just to check. He trots on the tops of the buildings, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, because the streets are too slow.
“Please be okay. Be hysterical about ghosts or weird invisible shinobi, but don’t be hurt.”
He descends a nearby rooftop, landing directly in front of the hospital entrance. A voice to his right grabs his attention and he turns to look.
“He’s not there,” Genma states, leaning wearily up against one of the pillars of the hospital entrance. He’s beaten, and looks to be reconsidering leaving the hospital in his state. He’s wearing a pair of sweats, the type that are often given to Shinobi when they are in the hospital. His trademark senbon, that he held in the corner of his mouth, absent from his appearance. In his hands, he is clutching something tightly across his stomach.
Kakahsi didn’t like Genma all that much. Neither of Gai’s teammates had made positive impressions on him, but Genma, especially. He was a wisecracking, smug bastard that had run with a group that made fun of Gai as part of their daily entertainment at the ninja academy.
Beyond that, he knew nothing about him. Ha didn’t care to know more. Gai had vouched for Genma a few times, giving anecdotal evidence to Genma’s transformation from playground bully to trusted teammate, but Kakashi still didn’t trust him. Gai had a way of only seeing the good in people.
“What?” Kakashi asks. Genma’s vague statement annoys him. He does not bother with an explanation and turns to head for Gai’s apartment.
“He’s not there either,” now Genma sounds annoyed and kind of bitter to Kakashi.
Kakashi snorts sharply in frustration. “Why don’t you tell me where he is then?” Kakashi turns to interrogate Genma.
“He’s gone.”
Kakashi stares Genma up and down like he doesn’t understand what he means. He does though.
“He’s gone?”
Kakashi’s heart races and his mind goes wild with emotion.
“He’s gone. Dead. Team Choza failed and Gai is dead? He’s… dead.”
As he begins to process this difficult information, grief does not yet appear. The analytical part of his brain takes over first. His breathing slows and his heart beats steady and strong.
“Why did Gai die? Look for the body, find the cause.”
“How?” he demands sharply. The interrogation was just beginning. Kakashi’s eyes relax as he analyzes Genma’s body language and facial expressions for lies, for truths. He steps into Genma’s space, flexing his reputation as someone that should not be tested.
Genma does not respond to his intimidation, so this time he demands with aggression, “How?!”
“It was an ambush in the dark. We never saw the other shinobi…” Genma states. He is numb, defeated, tired.
“How do you know he is dead?” Kakashi inquires, now standing over a slouching Genma. “Where is his body?”
Genma mutters something--
“Where is the body of your comrade?” Kakashi inquires again. Genma is proving to be a difficult source.
“I don’t know,” tears begin to stream down Genma’s face as he struggles to answer. His voice quivers as he answers, “It happened so fast, the paper bombs. We retreated--”
“You left him.” Kakashi concludes as he clenches his first, rage fills his body. “You killed him!”
Turning his gaze upwards to make eye contact, Genma fires back, still weeping, “We went back, there was nothing to take with us!” He stands up straight, his back leaving the pillar, stepping into Kakashi in the process. His arms fall to his side revealing Gai’s headband in his right fist.
Kakashi goes to shove Genma back against the pillar in a display of dominance. Genma, dropping the headband, counters Kakashi’s shove with his own. He refuses to submit to Kakahsi’s abuse.
“You killed him! You left your comrade for dead!” Kakashi accuses, stepping back and squaring off. While it is not fair to attack a beaten and wounded man and expect he will have a fighting chance, Kakashi doesn’t care.
“I killed him? Huh? What about you? We were off course because Gai was so fucking worried about you and your stupid feelings--not that you have feelings ‘Friend Killer’!” Genma snaps back.
He knows he can’t take Kakashi in a fight right now. He would struggle even on his best day. Today was far from his best day. He goes with a more abstract approach, messing with his head. Genma knew he didn’t purposely kill his teammate back then, but in this moment the name was a convenient, fitting weapon.
“He loved you. Know that? You just rebuffed him with no explanation. No care for your friend’s heart.” Genma was grasping at straws but he felt, had always felt, Kakashi never treated Gai right. “You wouldn’t even listen to his confessio--”, as Genma shouts as Kakashi hooks his leg behind Genma’s and punches his palm into his chest, forcing Genma to fall backward into the dirt.
Genma is not going to let Kakahsi have the satisfaction. He can’t stop himself from being pushed to the ground but he can grab Kakashi’s shoulders and pull him into the fall. The two land hard.
Kakashi shakes free from Genma’s hold, easily, pinning him to the ground. He wedges his elbow under Genma’s chin and twists one of his arms. Kakashi’s elbow presses harder against Genma’s windpipe, threatening to choke him out. Genma scrambles and squirms to gain some semblance of dignity, but this fight is over.
“You are not the only one that lost him,” Genma cries. His voice is faint and airy for he is still pinned to the ground by Kakashi.
Seeing all of Genma’s bruises, cuts, and wounds, now open and bleeding through clean bandages, the realization hits Kakashi of how pathetic his victory is. A victory only by physical standards. He releases his hold on Genma.
“I am sorry,” Kakashi apologizes as he stands. He offers his hand to Genma, who only accepts because he would not have been able to stand otherwise. “I can’t believe the hospital released you like this,” Kakashi remarks.
“They didn’t. I just left,” Genma says as he steadies himself on his feet, presumably to walk home.
Genma pauses before heading off. Staggering back to the pillar, he carefully leans over to pick up Gai’s headband that he dropped when their scuffle had started. He gently rubs the metal clean on the outside of his hip before tossing it to Kakahsi.
“Here,” Genma states.
Kakashi, surprised by the toss, catches the headband with both hands. The metal is warm from the sun in his hands.
“Gai would want me to give it to you anyway,” Genma says as he turns and hobbles away, leaving Kakashi alone with his grief and regret.
“Gai’s gone.”
--
As his grief begins to morph into something less combative, his feet take him again to Gai’s apartment. It’s different this time. There is no hope drawing him towards it; Gai will not be there.
“My fears made me squander my time to you. I am sorry, Rival.”
He feels eerily cold as he walks through the village streets. He is not alarmed by how he feels; he knows grief well. Gai is now just another friend that will live forever in his dreams alone.
“What do you think? Am I cursed? I must be…”
When he arrives at Gai’s apartment, instead of ascending the stairwell to the 4th floor, he walks down the alleyway between the apartments and the adjacent building. He can see the fourth floor window from this angle. He bounds off the side of the adjacent build up to a second floor window. One more bound and he lands, almost silently, on the window casing of Gai’s apartment. A simple skilled jiggle of the window loosens the lock enough to force it open.
“You were really never careful enough!”
It's unusually dark inside. All the lights are off. He has never seen the apartment in this absence of light. It’s still.
He desires to preserve the stillness, keeping these two rooms untouched in order to preserve the memories sealed in their walls. Memories of challenges between two rivals, shared meals, and laughs. Memories of the moment that originally terrified him, but now, he longs for nothing more than to repeat their kiss.
“You know, I really did enjoy our kiss. If I were to know that it was not only our first but our last, I would have made it last longer.”
He walks through the two room apartment straining to see in the dark. He catches glimpses of Gai in the items that exist in the apartment; barbells and hand weights in the corner, curry spices, all the different sized and shaped jars that line the small kitchen shelf, VHS tapes of low budget thrillers sitting on the bookshelf by the TV.
“By the way, I still think you have terrible taste.”
Kakashi drifts into the bedroom and takes a seat on Gai’s twin bed. He is startled by the sound of the bed frame shifting under him. He is not used to a bed with a frame.
“How did you sleep on this, Gai?”
He smiles, almost audibly chuckles, to himself at the thought. He lays back on the bed, inhaling the scent of Gai that lingered on his sheets. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out Gai’s headband that Genma had given him.
“I am sorry I got in a fight with Genma. I know you think he’s a decent enough guy. Anyway…”
He clutches the headband in his hands. He grips it like one would the handle of a sword and presses into his stomach. The metal feels cold in his hands now. The life the sun had burned into it was gone.
Staring at the ceiling once more, he regrets concealing his feelings. It may be the thing he regrets more than anything else in his life. Safe inside Gai’s bedroom, tears appear in his eyes. The salty water droplets run down his cheeks with no effort. He sobs gently, breathing in and out, methodically. It hurts, but he is not in pain, just numb.
After some time, his tears dry on his face. His grief returns to the corner in the back of his mind where it will remain until another unexpected wave of grief inevitably washes over him. It is the finality of the whole thing that hurts the most.
Now he could never change his mind. Kakashi’s choice to conceal or reveal his feelings had been taken away. The chance to have something more is gone, and their friendship is gone anyway. Even though Kakashi had chosen to play it safe.
Kakashi would never get the chance to trust in Gai, and reveal his feelings for him. Now all that is left is his memories of Gai and the fantasies he can create with them, just dreams.