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Fundy’s eyes snap open. His chest heaves as he runs a paw across his face.
I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat
And he is screaming and crying for help
And maybe halfway through it has more to do with me killing him
Then it ever did protecting myself
He shuffles out of bed, gently making his way to the bathroom to splash water on his face. The smell of swear and fur mixed together, what a dream that was. It was a pretty pleasant dream too, until he realised halfway what was going on. Snippets of echoes of distant memories of Wilbur laughing maniacally, threatening him, preparing for war. Baseball bat in hand as Wilbur was spun around. A crack across the head. It’s the first time he’s felt control in their relationship, not squirming for some love or affection, in complete control. Halfway through he realises that, it’s more- He pauses. It was fine, it’s fine. He felt his breath calm down a little more as he focused on the sink in front of him, his reflection in the mirror, the cold tiles on the floor. He’s here now. He’s safe, Wilbur isn’t here. He’s ok. He begins to get ready for the day, brushing his teeth, smoothing out his fur and so on. Regular routine, though, now his mind won’t stop reflecting and wandering about, well, everything. Memories and emotions playing back in flashbacks like some sick scrapbook kept for safekeeping.
And I believe that yeah, dad, maybe no one is perfect
But i believe that you were pushing your luck
It just sucks it played out like this:
A terrible movie and you can tell none of the actors even give a fuck
Though, every time he thought of it, he couldn’t help but feel angry. He thinks back to the dream, he feels justified, the fear on Wilbur’s face, bringing it down on his head. Or times where he cried with no one to hold him, Wilbur leaving him all alone, alone in the midst of a war. Not being there to notice him growing up, Fundy retreating to the woods instead. Wilbur simply asked Fundy to prepare for war rather than well, be a father to him. More like a background soldier to command than anything, his emotions just pushed aside like another box of ammunition to use at another time. No one gave a fuck, not Wilbur, not anyone. Everyone just expected him to play his part, but how could he play his part if he was never promised anything stable? Somewhere he felt sad, just wanting to run into Wilbur’s arms and be held, playing out in the fields. Another part of him wanting to just scream and cry at everything, anything that he could do is just dashed before his eyes, consumed by flames. Sure, he knew that it wasn’t an ideal situation to grow up in, Wilbur being under pressure, but what the fuck. Did Wilbur have to go that far? Fuck just-
But you look good tonight, boyfriend
Can I sleep in your bed?
And when I crawl out in the morning
Can I stay inside your head?
Fundy found himself slumped on the couch now, not remembering how he even made it to the living room. He didn’t really feel like himself, like he was watching a film inside his head instead. Remembering just how the thoughts he had dripped out of his mouth in small pieces when he was around Dream. He had once tried to explore his feelings with someone else, instead shutting down.
“Hey Dream, can I stay here tonight?”
“Huh? Yeah sure!”
He felt. Happy, his tail wagging as he bundled himself up in his then boyfriend’s blankets.
“Are you going to join me?”
“Not tonight babe, I have to discuss something with George.”
“Oh, ok.”
Looking back at how he tried to grasp for straws, there were moments of bliss but, a part of him just felt, ignored. Like Dream constantly had something or, well, someone else on his mind. He couldn’t help himself but wish that there was just something more. Isn’t it natural to want to be heard? To be held? To be understood? He pulled up his legs to his chest, curling around himself, tail protectively around him. He just wanted a hug.
'Cause you were high school
And I was just more like real life
And you were okay, okay as a boyfriend, boyfriend
But I was just more like his wife
I'll do the push ups
I'll wear the makeup
I'll do whatever he wants all night
'Cause you were okay, okay as a girlfriend, girlfriend
But I was just more like real life.
When Fundy looked up, it was already afternoon. Fuck, where did the time go? He dresses up to go out, pulling on some random shirt and pants. Signature coat and hat, smoothing out his ruffled tail. Perfect, no one would ever know that he cried for a solid hour. After all, he was meeting 5up later today and he really didn’t want to go there looking like a hot mess.
A long, long time ago my father
Took something that did not belong to him
And that is why today I have salmon in my veins
I am from L’Manburg
Though, as much as he hated to admit it, thoughts of what has happened to him always kinda remain at the back of his mind. Most days it was easy to ignore, but sometimes it overcame him like someone demanding an answer. He was demanding an answer from himself, answers that he simply didn’t have.
And I am leaving as soon as I come
As soon as I come you will probably forget my name
I hope I fall asleep at the wheel and crash my car (on the way home)
He sure did wish that he was in a tractor, and just powered it into a wall to crash it. Who actually gives a fuck? People didn’t take him seriously in L’Manburg, not ever. Just a “son”. Who actually would care? No one. Perhaps it’d be better to just smash himself into a wall and call it a day. He certainly didn’t care. Fuck. Fuck it, fuck everything. That did change a bit when he saw 5up’s smile. That’s one thing he’d stay for, he guesses. Though the rest of it? Not so much.
“Are you ok Fundy? You seem down,” 5up brought Fundy into his house, sitting him down on the cushy couch which Fundy allowed himself to sink fully into. A momentary thought of “just say you’re fine” whizzed past. Fundy shook his head a bit, half as a response and half to get the thoughts out. 5up, well, he’s been hurt before, if 5up leaves it’s nothing new. The small shine of hope in his heart egged him on a tiny bit to be honest, as it always had.
“No, there's a lot on my mind right now.” 5up closed the door, sitting next to Fundy, patting his ears a bit.
“Tell me?”
Or I could just stay here, because
You look good tonight, boyfriend
Can I sleep in your bed?
And when I crawl out in the morning,
Can I stay inside your head?
Fundy found himself, for the first time in almost never, pouring out everything that ever happened to him, hugging himself as he went. It was a jumbled mess. Coherent, but jumbled mess. Going back on some details and feeling the rise and fall of anger, sadness, hopelessness and fear. Mixed into different parts of the story. At some point he crashed into 5up for a hug when he offered, absorbing whatever little contact he could give. Again, time seemed to elude him as he continued to talk, feeling less scared as he went. 5up was there to listen to him, 5up cared. 5up nodding and just listening. Though when he was done, he decided to add in a selfish request.
“C-can I stay here tonight?”
“Of course, Fundy. You don’t have to ask.”He felt any sort of anxiety dissipate at 5up’s words, like ice melting against the heat. For the first time, he felt truly welcomed somewhere. They tucked themselves into 5up’s plush (and designer, as Fundy teased) bed. Cuddling the night away.
“That was very brave of you to share that. Thank you for trusting me Fundy, I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He pulled closer to 5up, head tucked under 5up’s chin as he drifted off to bed.
And if it's okay
I'll wear the makeup
I'll do whatever we want all night
'Cause you were okay, amazing as a boyfriend, boyfriend
But we were just more like real life
(More like real life)
Fundy found himself staying a few nights over at 5up’s place, often having his head against 5up’s chest as his loving boyfriend stroked the fur on his head as he told him how he felt. Though not every night was like that. Some nights they just cuddled and watched movies, danced in the middle of the living room or tried recipes. Doing whatever they wanted together. A thought blooms in Fundy’s mind that this was what real life is really like, and he enjoyed it, together with 5up.