Chapter Text
en·vy
/ˈenvē/
a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck.
There are numerous things that act as a drive to one’s action. Some are driven by power, some by money, some by status, and lastly, some by emotions. Envy is one of them. And people tend to underestimate envy. See, envy is not an emotion that is portrayed explicitly, unlike wrath, or hatred. It is veiled under layers of other emotions, snaked into people’s hearts until it could be contained no more.
People thought that envy is just a mere feeling, some sort of thing that teenagers experienced, of who is more beautiful, who is more popular, richer, smarter. Turns out, envy is more complicated than that. Envy could be a drive so strong to actions, positive or negative. The latter happens more than the former, obviously. The consequences of the action vary, depending on how strong the urges are.
It is a common misconception that people think not all could experience such things as envy. No. Even one with the purest heart could fall into the spiraling trap of envy. Because the heart is always selfish. And envy roots in each human's heart. Because the thing is, humans are never satisfied. It is their nature. And satisfaction is inversely proportional to envy.
Gon spent his entire life with his aunt, being a famous reporter, his father never really had the time for him. He didn’t think much about it at first. When he was still living in the seaside area, a lot of his friends’ fathers went to work, fighting the waves and storms to put meals on their children’s plates. But when he was five, his father decided to move them to the city because it brought more opportunities for him as well as it would be easier to visit his son if he was in town.
His first day at school unfortunately fell on Father’s Day. In his hometown, people never really talked about father’s day, particularly because the culture was different from the people who grew up there. But it turned out to be a great deal in his new school.
Parents came, children gave cards to their fathers, photo sessions, games, all day was dedicated for children and their dads. It was the first time Gon felt so alone. He was a new boy from the seaside area of the country, he didn’t know anyone, and his classmates ignored him and played with their dads instead.
He ridiculed himself because of that. His father had a job to do. It wasn’t even his first time not having his father in a school activity, so why did he feel so alone?
“Where’s your dad?” An annoyed voice startled him and he almost jumped at someone.
A kid with eyes so blue and hair so white looking at him with disinterest. Gon noticed that he didn’t have his dad around him too, “Where’s your dad.”
“Working.” The boy stated simply, “My dad couldn’t leave his job, he’s always around at night, though. My Aniki said that this school is stupid because they always decided to throw a party during working hours.”
Stupid is a bad word, Gon thought, but he decided to ignore it.
“Oh. My dad’s working too.” Gon answered instead.
The other’s eyes widened, a smile spread on his face, “Really?” and Gon nodded.
“See? I don’t get why all of these… adults leaving their job just to celebrate Father’s Day. Aren’t adults supposed to be busy?”
“Y-yeah…” Gon looked at him sheepishly, but he was grateful that someone took an interest in him. He was afraid he was going to spend the rest of the day alone.
“By the way, what’s your name? I’m Killua.” The white-haired boy, Killua, offered his palm.
“I’m Gon Freecss.” Gon took his palm, and as he held that boy’s hand, he already had the feeling that this boy would be one of the major parts of his life.
Killua was rich. No, Gon needed to stress this fact more. Killua was rich rich. The Zoldycks owned a huge area in Padokea, inside it stood an equally huge mansion. Not to mention that they had a lot of vacation houses spread in various countries.
Silva Zoldyck, Killua’s father, was a respected medical device distributor, providing devices to almost all hospitals in Padokea and several in other countries. His social status was so high that even the government acknowledged him, and admitted his crucial position for the nation’s hospitals. His mother, Kikyo, was a socialite. She attended gatherings of people with power, though her past remained a mystery. Some said she used to work with the nation’s intelligence agency, but some said she was a beautiful escort who captured Silva hard enough for him to marry her.
The Zoldycks' children, Killua’s siblings, had as equally striking reputations as their parents. The firstborn, Illumi Zoldyck, was an overachiever. In a good way, obviously. Gon had never seen someone as hard worker and ambitious as Illumi. He was a gold medalist of the Padokea National Archery Tournament, so talented that the country’s archery federation literally begged for him to join the national team for the upcoming Olympics. He was the second smartest student in his school, with only a zero point sixty-eight score difference with Hisoka Morrow, the highest scorer. He was also the secretary of the students’ council.
The second oldest, Milluki, was a genius in technology. He was not as bright as Illumi, but when he was eight, he created his first robot, which was pretty impressive, and now he was able to assist some of the best medical device companies to improve their products’ utility. He had already attracted universities since he was twelve that he didn’t have to worry about his school, as long as he managed to create more useful inventions.
Killua, who was Gon's best friend for ten years, was a jack of all trades. He excelled in almost all of his classes without having to break a sweat. He wasn't particularly a genius in one field like his siblings, but he was great in a lot of areas. His personality was the opposite of the firstborn, but the oldest was his closest brother. The white-haired boy said that Illumi was the one who taught him when he was a kid.
Alluka was the only daughter in the household, meaning that she gained a lot of attention from her brothers. She was a cheerful girl with a lot of energy, and she always found a way to get what she wanted. It was unclear how it happened, but Alluka loved to gamble, and the family considered herself as a professional gambler. While it sounded impossible, she actually gained a lot of money from gambles that she joined. Now, people might think, ‘what kind of parents allowed their child to gamble?.” But the Zoldycks never were a regular family and thus as long as Alluka didn’t lose her sanity over a bunch of gambling tournaments, their parents fully supported her.
Kalluto Zoldyck was the quietest amongst the Zoldycks, even quieter than Illumi. That’s why he was often seen with his oldest brother, finding himself content with the quietness of Illumi. He didn’t think he had enough energy to face Alluka’s bright and cheerful demeanor, nor Killua’s mischievous behavior. He was a prodigy in Nen, a type of martial art that was considered ancient and extremely difficult to master. He was able to surpass all of his mentors when he was seven, able to master every move, and also a pioneer in a couple of modern moves. He was not necessarily an arrogant child, but because he was reserved and posh, people tend to judge him harshly.
Gon treasured his friendship with Killua. The boy was fun to hang out with, his siblings were unique in their own way, and on top of that, his family accepted him. Kikyo took care of his well-being as if he was one of her children. Silva often gave him a ride home from school when he was around to pick Killua up. Even Zeno, his friend’s grandfather, loved to challenge him in a game of Mahjong. His family became a huge part of his life and before he was aware, Killua became a part of his heart too.
It was in the morning before their first day of school after summer vacation that Gon realized he had a massive crush on his best friend. Hisoka, his neighbor, was giving him a ride to the Zoldyck mansion to crash themselves for breakfast. It was a win-win solution. Kikyo didn’t mind asking the chef to make extra pancakes, and since Illumi and Hisoka were dating since god-knows-when , the pink head visit was able to elevate the firstborn mood since he was in a serious state of distress regarding his scholarship result. Gon thought to assure him, but Illumi was stubborn that he wouldn’t even listen to their parents and Hisoka, let alone his brother’s best friend.
Hisoka had teased him a lot in the past about his relationship with Killua. He said that he and the white head were a perfect match, they complimented each other, and they had known each other since pre-school. But Gon never thought about it further until the four of them sat inside the Zoldyck’s dining room, listening to the bickering of the two twelfth graders beside him.
“I’m just saying that you’re gonna be fine,” Hisoka commented, looking at Illumi with his elbow on top of the table to prop his head, the left one picking the pancake.
“Hisoka’s right, honey. There’s nothing you should be worried about.” Kikyo replied while poshly cutting the pancake in front of her.
Illumi sighed and rolled his eyes, “I would not be worried if I’m the one in that first scorer spot,” he leered at his boyfriend, “But since this guy over here is taking over my throne, I have all of the rights to be worried about my future.”
“For god’s sake, Lumi, it’s just zero point sixty-eight score difference. I’m sure the admission team didn’t care much about that.” Hisoka rationalized.
“It’s not about the score. It’s the fact that you’re in the first place. Padokea University rarely accepts second best…” Illumi answered.
“Listen, if you’re right, about them really put thought on your grades, I’m sure they’ll discover that my grades that are slightly higher than yours are only in literature, sport, and physics. Those subjects are practically useless in medical school. You’re the Student Council's secretary. I’m just the head of the Art and Creativity Department. There are a lot of plus points in your admission form.” Hisoka explained.
“He’s got a point there, son.” Silva agreed.
“And if the worst happens, and they decide to reject you, it’s their loss. You could always apply to other universities and they’d be glad to accept you.” Hisoka continued.
“That’s very sweet of you, Hisoka.” Kikyo smiled.
“Ew…” Killua muttered beside him.
“Don’t be rude, Killu-nii.” Kalluto chirped and Killua gasped, “I’m not! I’m just hoping that we can exclude the PDA in breakfast?”
“That’s the least PDA that I usually show. Do you want more?” Hisoka teased and the white hair grumbled, “Don’t.”
“It’s funny for you to talk as if you don’t throw your affection towards Gon on a daily basis, everywhere.” Kalluto scoffed, earning a gasp from his brother.
“I’m not!” Killua snapped, but his face turned as red as the strawberries on his plate.
“Boys, it’s too early for you to argue. You can save your energy later for better purposes, alright?” Kikyo reprimanded and turned to her oldest son, “As Hisoka said earlier, Illumi. You have nothing to worry about. You’ll realize it when you get the result. Now eat your pancakes, you don’t want to be late for school, right?”
“Fine…” Illumi sighed and picked his pancake with zero enthusiasm, not knowing that Hisoka noticed his behavior.
The pink head silently held Illumi’s free wrist and the other looked at him, giving him an asking look. “What?”
“You’re gonna be fine,” Hisoka replied in a hushed tone as if it was just the two of them there.
One thing that made Gon’s breath hitched was the way Illumi stared at the pink head. He always thought of Illumi as someone who was stoic, showing the bare minimum of facial expression. Yet the look he gave to Hisoka was something personal, something that Gon was sure that it intended for Hisoka only.
It was not the look of Illumi that made his mind jump from place to place. It was the realization that hit him when he saw the same expression plastered on Killua’s face when Gon did something silly, when he congratulated him whenever he achieved something, even when Gon did something so mediocre.
Now, he was not a narcissist. He had known Killua for years. He knew that his best friend was expressive, usually filled with mischief and tricks, but Gon was positive that Killua only threw that face to him. Worse, now that it came to his mind, every time Killua did that, Gon’s heartbeat jumped around, his body was warm, and he wanted Killua to do that again. He wished Killua gave that face every time he looked at him.
Gon was fucked.
His mind was not particularly there for the rest of the day, Killua had to shake his body or nudge his leg in class whenever the teacher called him, which was not a good thing because… Well, it was their first day of school as high school students, they had to give a good impression toward the teachers.
Hisoka noticed it too, since he flicked his forehead with his fingers, resulting in a huge ow! from Gon. While steering the wheel, he commanded, “Talk.”
“I’m sorry?” Gon frowned.
“You could literally move a stone with how hard you’re thinking right now,” Hisoka replied.
“I’m not thinking of anything.” Gon lied and turned his face to the side window.
“Uh-huh. As if I’m gonna believe that.” Hisoka chuckled.
Gon sighed. There was no way he could lie to Hisoka. That guy had known him since he moved to the city. Aunt Mito even often asked him to babysit him when she had to attend important events. Not to mention that he was super smart.
“H-how do you realize… you like Illumi?” Gon started and the car stopped abruptly, earning a few car honks and cursed words.
Hisoka snorted and released a full, big laugh before he started the car and gave his middle finger to the people behind him, “Did you just confess that you like Killua… to me?”
“Shut up!” Gon denied, but his face was now red and warm.
“Oh god, I should’ve recorded that!” Hisoka laughed that he had difficulty controlling the car.
“Watch the road, watch the road!” Gon yelled frantically.
“Yes, yes! Gosh, you sound just like your aunt.” Hisoka rolled his eyes, “But for real, though? Do you finally realize that you like him?”
“I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking you.” Gon huffed.
Hisoka shrugged, “Well, you kinda asked the wrong person because to be frank, we just kinda went with the flow, and the next thing we knew we were kis-”
“Ew, stop!” Gon covered his ears with his palms, having no intention of knowing more, “I’m being serious here.”
“Fine,” Hisoka chuckled, “Where should I start? Hmm… The funny thing about a childhood friend crush is that you’d never be aware of it at first. But when you do, it really hits you like a truck.”
“Yeah…” Gon admitted and Hisoka glanced at him, “What is it that he did that you finally realize?”
“It’s silly.” Gon avoided answering. But the older coerced him that he finally admitted, “It’s when Illumi looked at you this morning… Killua has the same expression that he never threw to anyone else but me. And I… I love it.”
Hisoka raised his eyebrows, “That’s more of a ‘you realized that he has a feeling for you,’ though,”
“No, you don’t get it. It’s not just how I love it, it’s how I want him to look at me every time I see him.” Gon scratched his head, not really sure how he should explain it to the older boy.
“Ah,” Hisoka nodded, “I get what you mean.”
“So? Do you think I like him or…?” Gon retorted.
“I think that’s not for me to decide. I might tease you all the time, and I knew that both of you have the potential, the spark, if you know what I mean. But to coerce you to admit that you have feelings for that little guy and for you to realize it yourself is a different thing.” Hisoka explained.
“Great, now you’re making me more confused.” Gon sighed.
The other guy snickered while patting Gon’s head not-so-gently, “What I mean is, you have plenty of time to think about it. In the meantime, you shouldn’t worry too much and just be yourself. You’re like, what? Fifteen? Still so young…”
“If you talked like that, I might’ve thought you’re secretly thirty years old.” Gon giggled and Hisoka frowned.
“But thanks, though. I think I get what you mean.” Gon continued.
“Sure, kid. Anytime. I’m sure you’re gonna be fine.” Hisoka replied.
Gon sighed as he remembered the conversation between him and Hisoka, and how the older put a lot of faith in him.
If only he knew how pitiful he was.