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It had been a hectic six days. Leah had been assigned day-tracking duty after “the accident” and everyone was busy with making Rachel feel comfortable (Rachel kept insisting she wasn't fragile and could deal with all of it on her own just fine, even though she had just lost her hand and her sister). Leah has kept her mouth shut about Nora and all the things she had figured out. To talk about it isn't really necessary right now, and she prefers to avoid Rachel’s inevitable anger for as long as she can. She can’t take her eyes off of the day. Day twenty-nine. Tomorrow it will be day thirty. Thirty days in this hell hole. Thirty days since everything went to shit. The numbers keep showing up in her head. Over and over again. Thirty and six, thirty and six, Thirty and six. Isn’t that weird? Both divisible by six? Are the days manipulated too? What will happen on day thirty? But then the number seven pops up. She watches as Fatin is walking around camp, bringing even more clothes to Rachel. She smiles. Seven. It had been seven days since she had told Fatin about the goldfish, it had been seven days since she ran into the ocean and almost drowned. Seven days since Fatin held her for hours, keeping her safe. The number seven feels like home. Leah’s favourite number had been 555-0168 for the longest time, but she’s pretty sure it has changed to seven. And tomorrow it will be eight, and the day after that nine. Just counting. Counting up and up. From the moment that Fatin held her, to infinity.
Leah watches from a safe distance as Fatin makes a joke to Dot, who pretends to not find it funny, even though she’s smiling when she thinks Fatin doesn't look. Leah’s chest feels warm when she looks at Fatin. She had been so cold for so long, her heart had been frozen, stopped in time after Jeff. She had tried to find a way to get her heart to beat again, looking in all the pages of the book, but she couldn't find the warmth. The ice stayed, but Fatin, of all people, is melting it. The girl who she thought she knew enough about, yet now never seems to know well enough. She hasn't really pinpointed the moment when her thoughts about Jeff had turned into thoughts about Fatin. She obviously thinks about the island, and what the fuck is happening here (she still needs answers, there are so many questions), but Fatin has taken up space in her mind. Space that used to belong to a writer who never gave a damn about her. Now, the space is taken by a beautiful, funny and smart girl, who cares about Leah enough to listen. A girl who doesn't do feelings. Maybe that stings just a little bit. The thought of Fatin flirting with other people, the hooking up she always boasts about. It hurts. She knows she's caught feelings, she really knows. It’s the flutter in her chest when Fatin touches her arm, it’s the way she can't stop smiling when Fatin makes a joke and it’s the way she feels so warm when Fatin plays with her hair when she lays in her lap.
Leah knows, love is misery, doubt and a shit ton of self-loathing. But she’s felt all that around Fatin already. Now it has been replaced by this new, yet old feeling. Being around Fatin feels like walking through an empty city at 4 am. It feels like drinking freshly made coffee at 9 am while standing on a balcony. It feels like sitting outside at a party at 1 am, just breathing in the cold air with faint music in the background. It’s this warm, comfortable feeling, mixed with adventure and excitement. New yet old. She’ll never grow tired of it, that’s one thing she knows for sure.
“Hey”
Leah startles, “What!” She looks right into concerned brown eyes, “Oh, hi, you scared me.”
“Sorry,” Fatin says, voice soft. “How are you? You seemed really deep in thought, I had to say hey twice” She sits down next to Leah in the sand.
“Oh, sorry, I'm good,” Leah says and pulls her knees further to her chest.
“You sure? Is it the island again?” Fatin says, her voice is higher pitched and she stares into Leah’s eyes as if to say ‘don't lie to me’.
Leah’s pulse races. What is she supposed to say? ‘Oh yeah no, I was just thinking about you and how much I love you, even though you're probably straight and you don't do feelings’ So instead she says: “Yeah, just the island, you know?”
Fatin’s eyebrows raise, hands stop playing with the sand. She stares into Leah’s eyes again. “Don't go dark on me, please.”
The words hit harder than Fatin ever could know. Fatin understands her. She might not realise that what Leah is feeling is about her, and definitely not the island, but she can still read Leah like a book. It’s a quality Leah wishes she possesses because Fatin is so very hard to read when it comes to emotion. “I won't,” Leah says. She means it, she really won't. At least, not now. Right now she's warm.
They stay silent for a while, Leah staring at the water and Fatin staring at her (Leah tries her best to ignore the way Fatin's staring makes her feel, the warm tingle that spreads across her body) Eventually, Fatin is the one to speak up.
“Listen, I believe you about the whole island thing, Leah,” she pauses, searching for the right words, “but don't accuse Shelby again, she might have an actual breakdown and then Toni will kill you,”
“Full-blown running into the ocean breakdown, or cutting your hair off breakdown?” Leah asks, attempting to lighten the tense air between them. But, Fatin looks at her with slight fear in her eyes, then looks down and rubs her eyes. “It’s a joke, you can laugh,” Leah says, now concerned about Fatin, “are you okay?”
Fatin swallows, “Leah, I was scared that day when you ran into the ocean. Like, really scared. I’ve never been so afraid in my life, and I've been in a plane crash.”
Leah’s heart stutters in her chest. It aches slightly too. Fatin cares so much, and it feels so good to be cared for. But, to what extent? Leah is a timebomb waiting to implode again, and Fatin is an amazing person who is doing okay. If Leah’s bomb goes off, she drags Fatin with her. She can’t let that happen, not with Fatin. “Fatin,” Her voice breaks, “you shouldn't, I don't think you should-” she stumbles over her words.
“No, Leah,” Fatin interrupts, “please don't tell me what to feel. Don’t tell me not to care because I can't. I might seem like a bitch, but the moment I care you can't get rid of me.”
“You're not a bitch,” Leah says softly.
“That's all you took from that?” Fatin says, an incredulous look on her face. Leah just stares at her. Fatin sighs, “You know what? Let's go for a walk, okay?” She gets up from the wet sand.
“Sure,” Leah says. Fatin helps her up and Leah’s hands just linger long enough on Fatin’s arms for it not to be considered friendly. They tell the group they're going for a walk. Dorothy warns them not to get hurt, and Fatin just waves it away. Leah has reached a conclusion. Fatin is the sun. Nothing else could make her this warm. Fatin would inevitably make a dirty joke about it if she would say this out loud, but it's true. Fatin is warm. Fatin makes her skin tingle. Everything grows when Fatin is there. Maybe Leah could be the moon. She doesn't know. She doesn't control the tides in her mind just yet, she’s still drowning in her thoughts, but she’s trying. Maybe that counts. Maybe trying to be the moon is the same as being the moon. Maybe it could be, as long as Fatin is her sun. They’ve been walking for fourteen minutes (Leah took the watch with her, she always does since the accident).
Fourteen is two times seven, and seven is Leah’s lucky number. So she asks.
“So, why are we walking?”
Fatin laughs, “I seemed like you needed something to take your mind off things.” Leah smiles and Fatin speaks again, “So, not to pull a Shelby, but do you wanna play some kind of icebreaker? Two truths and a lie? ‘Cause I've been talking constantly and you've barely said a word.”
“Sure, you wanna start?” Leah asks. She loves knowing more about Fatin. She may have seemed shallow at first, but the depth Leah has seen makes her want to dig deeper. She wants to know every inch and every contour of Fatin’s story. She is, however, less stoked about the questions that might come her way.
“Okay, so, two truths and a lie, okay?”
“Sure”
Fatin smiled mischievously, “Okay, so, I’ve never kissed a girl and liked it, I’ve fucked a guy in a supermarket and I like museums,”
“Easy, the last one is the lie,” Leah says, full of confidence.
“You really think I’m a barbarian? Damn, that's mean, you're wrong by the way, the first one was the lie,” She says, smirking at Leah.
Leah looks at her in shock and stops dead in her tracks. Her mind is racing. Fatin might not do relationships, but she's into girls? Could this mean she's into her? Does she really have a chance?
“Okay Leah, please don't pull a Shelby,” Fatin says, once again looking very concerned.
“You're into girls?” Leah manages to get out.
“Yes? Is there a problem?” Fatin says, slightly annoyed.
“Yeah no there's no problem it's just that you only talk about dick so I assumed and I probably shouldn't have and I'm so sorry and I mean like I'm bi so there is no-”
Fatin grabs Leah’s shoulders and forces her to look into her eyes. “Leah, breathe. I don't like labels, I just like people. And I had a feeling you were bi, but I'm glad to have that confirmed,” Fatin says softly, smiling at Leah.
“Oh, okay, yeah, sorry,” Leah says, blushing.
“You have to stop saying sorry,” Fatin says, letting go of Leah’s shoulder, but still looking into her eyes.
“Okay, sor- um- thank you?” Leah stutters and Fatin laughs.
“Come on, it isn't that far anymore”
Eventually, they reach the waterfall. They sit down and play the game of Uno Fatin brought along. After four games, Leah gives up trying to get to seven games and tells Fatin that she doesn't want to play anymore. She needs to say something. Everything is gnawing away at her.
“Fatin,” Her voice cracks again, “okay so I have to say something.” Fatin looks at Leah, there is kindness in her eyes. It gives Leah the strength to continue. “I’m sorry for running into the water. I realized today that it had more effect than I thought it had. I really can't promise you it won't happen again, because I don't trust myself enough for that, but I just want to say that I’m sorry. And that I will understand it if you eventually get tired of me,” Halfway through the improv speech, Leah got tears in her eyes. Fatin stares at her, and the look in her eyes can only be described as love.
She grabs Leah’s hands, looks into her eyes, and starts talking. “Leah, I won't ever get tired of you. I won't ever give up on you. And also, your apology is accepted,” she pauses and swallows. The last part is barely a whisper: “but I would do it over and over again if it meant holding you again.”
“Fatin,” Leah’s voice is soft. Fatin’s words still ring in her ears. She can only think of one thing to say. Suddenly remembers it. Day seven, finding Fatin. Day seven, apologizing to Fatin. Day seven, hugging Fatin. Seven seven seven. What Fatin said that day is ingrained in Leah’s memory, so she’ll quote it, “I’m gonna try something, and I don't know if it's gonna go okay.”
Fatin looks confused and surprised and Leah would laugh if she couldn't get heartbroken within seconds. She leans in, at first Fatin opens her arms but then the penny drops when Leah’s face gets closer to hers. Fatin swallows. Leah inches forward slowly, not wanting to force Fatin, giving her the option to reject it. But her heart is beating out of her chest and being this close to Fatin without actually kissing is torture. Fatin smiles, the soft smile she doesn't really show often. She puts her hand on Leah's cheek and meets her lips. And they’re kissing. It feels warm and exciting. Comforting and scary. But most of all, it feels like Fatin. It warms Leah’s bones, all the ice left melts off of her soul. Leah tangles her hand in Fatin’s hair. She needs her closer. Fatin takes the hint, and climbs into Leah’s lap, barely breaking the kiss. She could do this for eternity, her lips on Fatin’s, forever and always. Her hand still is tangled in Fatin’s hair when she pulls back. They are both breathing heavily. She rests her head against Fatin's forehead and stares into her gorgeous brown eyes.
“So, did it go okay?” Leah asks softly, a goofy grin on her face.
Fatin laughs, “Yeah, but I mean, we might have to do it again, just to know for sure,”
“Yeah, I fully agree,” Leah says, and pulls her in again.
Jeff was hot in the burning building kind of way, but Fatin is just the right temperature.
Fatin is the sun, and Leah believes she can be her moon.