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LJ looks ethereal under the moonlight from the observation window. The train shakes, and the lights jiggle like tiny stars. LJ blows the smoke towards the ceiling, and it condenses on the window.
You were such a dork.
You were such a bitch.
“We should get back,” Alex says eventually.
“Why?” LJ licks her lips, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Let’s just stay here.”
“But the ballo—”
LJ shifts around on the seat until she’s sitting right next to Alex. “Come on. Live a little. You won't miss anything important.”
“Alright, I’m staying.” Alex runs her hand over the covers of the leather-bound Encyclopaedia Britannica on the seat next to her. So much knowledge in there. She wishes so much that she could take them back to Big Alice, but Wilford would definitely have something to say about it. What did we say about accepting things from others, Alex? Do you want them to think we have nothing? The books would have to stay here, though Alex doesn’t completely trust LJ to take care of them.
“See? We can do fun things here,” LJ says mischievously. “We got drugs, a view, books, if that’s your thing. We don’t have to go back to that stupid party.” She takes another drag, exhales upwards. “You got me too.”
“You’re right.”
“You know. You’re kind of weird. But you’re also kind of interesting.”
“Why? ‘Cause I’m the first person who can match your snark?”
LJ laughs then, genuinely, and it makes her eyes sparkle. How beautiful, Alex thinks. “Maybe. Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re Wilford’s little apprentice. What’s up with that? Does he tell you everything?” LJ draws out the last word, leaning in. “When’s he gonna take over Snowpiercer, huh?”
Maybe I’d know, Alex thinks bitterly, if he actually told me anything anymore. Wilford had become closed-off to her since he learned of Audrey’s presence on the train, and now she was on the outside of his circle. It was discomfiting how quickly she could be replaced. She won’t tell LJ that, though. “That’s classified.”
“Ooh, ‘classified’,” LJ says, giggling. “So fancy. Fine, don’t tell me then. It’ll just have to be a nice surprise.”
Alex doesn’t know what Wilford is planning, but it definitely won’t be as romantic as LJ seems to think it’ll be. Then again she might enjoy that more. “I don’t want to talk about that,” Alex says instead. “If I wanted to hear about his plans, I’d go back to the Nightcar.”
“That’s true,” LJ says, putting out her cigarette on the windowsill. Alex does the same. “Sitting around there. Listening to how amazing it’ll be when Melanie comes back. She killed my parents, you know. And all the Jacks.” Alex didn’t know this, but she keeps a straight face. There’s no saying what the other girl will do with anything she’s told. LJ leans back against the window and continues, “We’re all dying anyway. It’s just false hope.”
Alex refuses to believe that, but she doesn’t say so. “We’re still alive. Might as well enjoy it.”
“So optimistic.” LJ turns to look at Alex, her eyes slightly glazed from the drugs. “Maybe it’s the drugs talking, but you look prettier now. Better than when you wore that dumb jumpsuit. Like me,” she adds, casting a disgusted glance at her own janitorial garb. Alex almost laughs; apart from the fancy clothes she’s wearing now she has nothing else to wear. “Thanks, I guess?”
LJ shifts as if something’s just occurred to her, then leans in. They are so close together that their noses are practically touching, and they can feel each others’ breath. Alex’s heart rate goes up slightly, but she doesn’t move away. “Have you ever been kissed?” LJ asks, in a voice barely above a whisper.
No, and I wish I did, Alex thinks. There’s nobody on Big Alice her age, and even if there were, Wilford would lose his mind at his apprentice being romantic with someone. He’d be taking them to the bath the first chance he got. She appreciates the double standard there, but she doesn’t have the mental bandwidth to unpack it. “No,” she says, simply.
“You know, neither have I,” LJ says, not moving. Her eyes look dull and orangey in the light from outside. “I used to practice with Erik sometimes, but that doesn’t count when he’s your bodyguard, and he’s too old anyway. I was just a little sister to him. And Oz doesn’t want to touch me for some reason. Don’t know why. Maybe they felt like they have to protect me.”
Alex doesn’t believe for a second that that’s the real reason, but she says instead, “Doesn’t seem like you need protection.”
“You’re right. Nobody else sees it.” LJ doesn’t wait for a reply, just presses her lips to Alex’s. LJ tastes like tobacco smoke and terrible Third Class food and wine she must have stolen from god knows where, and it feels so different that Alex finds herself returning the favour, pulling the other girl just that little bit closer. She’d read classical romances in Wilford’s book club, and dreamt of sordid affairs with rich, faceless high class men, and never thought for a second that her first kiss would be with her. They pull apart, and LJ says, “This is nothing like Erik.”
“I hope not,” Alex says, and pulls her back in again. She’s about to reach for LJ’s shirt, but then her watch buzzes: 5 minutes to balloon launch.
“What’s going on? Why’d you pull away?” LJ says. She sounds annoyed, but Alex can also tell she’s slightly hurt as well.
“It’s the balloon launch. Five minutes.” There must be something in her voice, because LJ doesn’t argue. “You’re pretty good at kissing, LJ.”
“So are you. Alex.” LJ stands up, brushes her pants off. “We should do this again sometime,” she says, winking. “If you want.”
Alex feels so drawn to LJ, another teenager like her, so new that she could be an alien from a different planet. “You just want to kiss me again,” she says.
“So what if I do?” LJ takes the books into her arms. “See you later, then. Tell Wilford he’s got an admirer uptrain if he ever needs anything.”
He won’t care, Alex thinks, but she won’t say that now. “Sure. If you want.”
LJ comes close, gives Alex one last kiss. “I. Will. See. You. Again,” she says, emphasising each word. And then she’s gone, the maintenance hatch sliding closed behind her.
Alex’s lips tingle with that promise. She finds herself wanting to tell Melanie I just had my first kiss, mom, until she realises Melanie’s a hundred kilometres or more away, on a freezing research station, uncontactable.
Alex’s heart speeds up with that knowledge. First kiss.
With her, of all people. Enigmatic, spoilt Lilah Folger Jr.
Magnetic, beautiful LJ.