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It was finally time for their first competition. Skate Canada. Yuri and Yuuri were both scheduled to skate during this event. Victor was scheduled in another event a few days after theirs. So, Yuri and Yuuri landed in Québec without Victor. They were barely out of the airport that they already could feel the pressure of this first event. A few skaters they knew would also be competing with them, Phichit, Leo, Christophe and Otabek would also be there.
Yuuri was happy to have an opportunity to see his best friend. Yuri was happy to see Otabek again, but his stomach also flipped a little a thought. They talked a lot by video call but being in the same environment was another thing completely. They rode the cab to their hotel in silence. Yakov had suggested they shared a room, and he would take a room next to theirs. They had agreed, Yuri was far more comfortable sharing a room with Katsudon than Yakov and Yuuri didn’t want to be alone. It would be his first competition without Victor by his side in over a year and that was a bit nerve-racking.
Yuuri barely acknowledged the fact that Yuri had gone out this afternoon with Otabek for coffee. He was trying very hard not to let his anxiety take over. They had practiced his program a thousand times and he was definitely ready.
“You’re lost in your thoughts again.” Phichit said bringing him back to reality.
They were hanging out in the hotel room he was sharing with Yuri and catching up on what happened in their lives. It was mostly Yuuri speaking since Phichit posted almost everything on the internet. He was the social media king of the skating world after all.
“Sorry about that. I’m just thinking about tomorrow and it’s hard not having Victor with me.” Yuuri admitted.
He thought Phichit would tease him at the mention of his fiancé, but his friend only nodded.
“I get it. He’s kind of the one who got you back into skating. And you had a strong year last season. I’m sure Yuri is also having similar thoughts.”
Yuuri’s eyes went wide at that. Yuri. It was his first competition since the Grand Prix and his gold medal and Yuuri hadn’t checked on in once since they arrived in Canada.
“What’s going on?” Phichit asked clearly worried for his friend.
“I didn’t even stop to think about how Yuri must be feeling.” Yuuri whispered in slight horror.
“Well, unlike last year he isn’t alone. He has Otabek and I’m sure he’s a big help for keeping the nerves at bay. And he has you. I’ll come to you if he has any worries.” Phichit reassured him with a smile.
Yuuri nodded after a moment. Yeah, Yuri was with Otabek right now and everything would go just fine tomorrow. Yuri also had Yakov and his coach must know how to deal with him during competition. He didn’t want to think to hard about the fact that Yuri still struggled with asking for help when he needed it. If he thought too long about it, he’ll definitely have a panic attack. He couldn’t be worrying about himself and about Yuri at the same time. He had to trust that the teenager was growing up and had a social circle strong enough to be there for him. Yuuri couldn’t always be the only one, that was bound to be exhausting at some point.
Yuuri texted the blond skater quickly to tell him he was there if he ever wanted to talk about something, then he went back to his conversation with his best friend. Trying very hard to calm himself. In the end, he did a passable job.
They grabbed dinner with Yuri and Otabek and Yuuri couldn’t see that Yuri was more distressed than usual and that reassured him. They went to bed early and just before Yuuri fell asleep he got a text from Victor wishing him a good night and telling him he loved him.
***
Yuri took the time to unpack some of his things in the hotel room he was sharing with Yuuri before joining Otabek in the lobby. They thought getting coffee and walking around the city would be a good idea to catch up and unwind before their competition tomorrow.
Yuri told Katsudon that he was going out with Otabek as to not worry the older skater. He tried not to think too much of the fact that Yuuri barely looked at him before he left the room. The older skater had been restless since they boarded the plane. Yuri shook his head, he had to trust that Katsudon would be able to handle the pressure of the first competition. Just like he had to try his best to handle the pressure himself.
He smiled at Otabek when they met in the lobby and if his friend noticed that his smile was stiffer than usual, he didn’t mention it. They walked to a coffee shop near the hotel. The place was packed with people. Otabek offered to go inside get them something as Yuri waited outside. Yuri nodded in agreement. Out of the two of them, Otabek had trained with JJ in the past and had spent more time in Canada overall. He was more likely to be able to speak French if the barista wasn’t all that versed in English. As he waited Yuri couldn’t help himself but be impressed with the fact that Victor could speak so many languages. Yuri wasn’t that bad either. Already speaking Russian and English was pretty good. And he was in the process of learning more Japanese each day.
Otabek came back a good ten minutes later with a to-go cup of coffee in his hands.
“Thank you.” Yuri told him as he took a careful sip of his drink.
Otabek smiled at him and they started walking down the street not really knowing where they were going. Good thing they both had phones with a decent international plan, they’ll probably have to use the GPS to find their way back to the hotel. Yuri couldn’t help but be more relaxed when he was with Otabek. It was nice being able to talk without having a computer screen between them.
Yuri’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out to see a text from Katsudon. It was simple enough. Only telling him he was there if he needed to talk. Then a question about having dinner with him and Phichit later tonight. Yuri answered the second question, not seeing the point in answering the previous message. He put his phone back in his pocket with a sigh.
“Everything ok?” Otabek asked him.
“Yeah. Katsudon was asking if we wanted to have dinner with him and Phichit. I said yes. I hope that’s ok with you.” Yuri answered.
“That’s fine by me. But that’s not what’s bothering you.”
Yuri cursed in his head. Trust Otabek to discern that something was bothering him.
“He said I could always talk to him if I needed. But he’s almost as stressed as me if not even more. I don’t want to worry him.” Yuri admitted.
“If he offered, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” Otabek pointed out.
Yuri shrugged. “Sure, but I should be able to manage. It’s the first competition he has without Victor by his side. He doesn’t say anything, but I know it’s hard on him. Nothing really changed for me.”
Otabek hummed in acknowledgement.
“If anything, I have even more support this time around. Like with you and Katsudon and even other skaters that I didn’t really talk to before last year.” Yuri continued rambling on.
“It’s not because you have a larger social circle that you can’t be anxious.” Otabek said gently.
“Whatever. I don’t want to talk about figure skating anymore.” Yuri said with a frown.
Talking about it would only stress him even more. Which was stupid. He knew his routine by heart and could do it perfectly 99.9% of the time. Anyway, the press and the commentators would have a field day tomorrow of putting more pressure on him. Let’s not even talk about his fans who had taken to social media almost a week before the competition claiming he would beat everyone in the blink of an eye.
Otabek dropped the subject and talked about his family instead. He told Yuri how his little sister had been crushed when their parents told her she couldn’t come with him. Yuri let Otabek’s voice help him forget about all his problems. If he didn’t think about it, it was easy to pretend everything was alright.
***
When Yuuri woke up the next day with was with a knot in his stomach. He read Victor’s good luck text with a tight smile and greeted Yuri with a silent good morning. They both slipped their headphones on and ate in silence with Yakov.
The ride to the rink was as silent as the breakfast had been. They were obligated to take off their headphones when they entered the building. Before they could enter the locker room, they had to answer questions from the press. Yuuri answered at the best of his capacity and tried to keep an eye on Yuri a few feet away from him. The blond skater answered the questions with a blank and professional expression. Nothing in their expression could give their nerves away. But still, Yurri noticed the blond’s shoulders losing a bit of tension as soon as they entered the area reserved for the skaters. They both nodded to the skaters they knew and Yuuri stayed close to Phichit while also watching Yuri standing next to Otabek.
The atmosphere was tensed. Yuuri tried to calm his breathing as he waited for Leo and Christophe to finish. After them, it was his turn.
It was finally his turn to step on the ice. He had to shove everything out of his mind and concentrate on what he had to do. He was almost grateful that Yuri would be last. He’d have plenty of time after his performance to check up on the teenager and be there to cheer him on.
Yuuri got in position on the ice. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he tried to ignore the crowd around the rink. He imagined the way Victor was always focused on him and only when he was on the ice as he waited for the music to start. His eyes snapped open as the first note was heard. It was time to put on a show.
Yuuri was panting as he held his finishing pose. This new routine took a lot of energy and he was just happy he had been able to manage all of his jumps correctly enough. This was what was more likely to get him a points deduction. He knew his steps sequence was almost perfect. He exited the ice as the crowd cheered for him. He went to the “Kiss and Cry” where Yakov was already waiting for him. He had agreed to be kind of his coach in Victor’s place. Yuuri sat down and squinted at the screen that would show his results soon enough. The commentators were already chatting away, reviewing his performance and making comparisons with last year. Yuuri held his breath until the numbers showed on the screen. His shoulders lost all their tension. He hadn’t broken any records, but he was still in the first place for the moment. He was satisfied with what he had done, and he couldn’t wait to tell Victor about it.
Yakov and he stepped out of the “Kiss and Cry” and Yuuri was trying to pay attention to the pointers the older man was giving him, but he was distracted by Otabek who was making his way toward them as soon as they entered the space reserved for skaters. He frowned at that. He never talked to Otabek when he wasn’t with Yuri. He wondered what was going on.
“I’m sorry to interrupt.” He said when he reached them. His voice was as smooth and calm as usual, but Yuuri heard a slight urge in his words.
“It’s alright. He wasn’t listening anyway.” Yakov grumbled and left them alone.
Yuuri apologized to the man, but Yakov didn’t seem to hear him or to care all that much.
“What’s going on?” Yuuri asked Otabek since the other skater was still there.
“It’s Yuri.” Otabek said with a slight frown.
Yuuri’s eyes widen at that. He raised an eyebrow to encourage Otabek to continue. The man wasn’t a big talker, and he knew that, but he needed more information.
“I don’t what’s wrong, but he’s clearly not feeling well.” Otabek explained without really explaining anything.
“Where is he?” Yuuri asked urgently.
Otabek led him to the bathroom. The room was empty except for Yuri sitting in the corner with his knees under his chin and his hands clamped over his ears. Yuuri could hear him from where he was, and the boy was on the verge of hyperventilating. Yuuri rushed to his side and crouched down next to him.
“How long has he been like that?” He asked Otabek over his shoulder.
“He left for the bathroom a few seconds into your performance.” Otabek said.
He stayed in the room but didn’t enter Yuri’s space. Yuuri nodded. So, a few minutes at best, and longer than that at worst. Yuuri waved his hand in front of Yuri’s eyes to get his attention. He didn’t want to touch the teenager just yet, not sure if it would make things better or worse.
Yuri looked up after a few seconds. He gasped. “Kastudon.” He almost choked on the nickname.
“Hey, Yuri. Can you hear me?” Yuuri asked since Yuri still had his hands over his ears.
Yuri nodded almost frantically.
“Ok. Yuri, first of all, can you try to slow your breathing?”
Yuri looked at him for a few seconds and after what felt like an eternity, he tried to take control over his breathing. It seemed like it was a difficult task. He shook his head in desperation when he realized he wasn’t improving.
“I’ll replace your hands with mine over your ears if it helps. Can you put yours around my wrists?” Yuuri asked.
“Ok.” Yuri managed to say between ragged breaths.
Yuuri clamped his hands firmly over Yuri’s ears as soon as the blond took his off. Yuri wrapped his shaking hands over Yuuri’s wrists. His hold was tight but not tight enough to hurt.
“Try to sync your breathing with the beating of my heart.” Yuuri said gently.
He was only glad his heartbeat was back to a regular rhythm and he wasn’t still high on endorphins. Yuri’s eyes lit up with understanding. Having a guide could help to get his breathing back under control.
“That’s it, Yuri. You’re doing great.” Yuuri whispered in encouragement when he was improving.
It took almost two full minutes, but Yuri finally managed to breathe normally once again. He let go of Yuuri’s wrists slowly. His arms and hands were still shaking, but at least Yuuri wasn’t worried he’ll pass out anymore.
“You can take your hands off.” Yuri whispered with a rough voice,
Yuuri nodded and let go gently. The teenager was still in a bit of a shock. Now that Yuuri wasn’t only focusing on the blond skater, he could hear what was going on around them. He heard the commentators. The next skater was Otabek and after Otabek it was Yuri’s turn. Yuri seemed to realize that too. He looked over Yuuri’s shoulders at his friend.
“Go. It’s your turn in like two minutes. You need to get ready.” He said still whispering.
“Will you be ok?” Otabek asked.
“Yeah. Katsudon is here. Thank you for getting him.”
Otabek assured him that it was nothing and after one last look in Yuri’s eyes, he left the bathroom.
The two left in the bathroom looked at each other in silence.
“What do you need?” Yuuri finally asked.
“Can you hug me? I think I need something firm against me.” Yuri said after a moment of thought.
“Sure. But let’s get up first, your muscles will cramp otherwise.”
They both got up and Yuuri immediately wrapped his arms around the blond. He held him firmly and Yuri held on just as tightly. They were the same height now, but Yuri still leaned over to put his head on Yuuri’s shoulder. Yuuri stopped himself from running his fingers through Yuri’s hair. He didn’t want to mess it up before his performance. After a minute, Yuri let out a big sigh and let go of Yuuri.
“I maybe should’ve talked to you earlier. I didn’t want to worry you. I’m sorry.” Yuri admitted.
“You don’t need to apologize. I understand where you’re coming from. But just know that no matter how stressed I look, I’m always happy to help you and listen to you.” Yuuri assured him.
Yuri nodded. “When we get back home, I want to try going to therapy.” Yuri said.
The sentence caught Yuuri by surprise. “What brought this on?” He asked.
Don’t get him wrong, he thought it was a good idea, it just seemed like it came out of nowhere.
“It’s something Victor mentioned when you went to Japan for a few days. I’m grateful for all your help, but it’s not fair to you. It’s not your job to be here for me at all hours. You also have your own worries and problems. I don’t want to become a burden or cause you to overwork yourself.” Yuri explained.
“Ok. We’ll look for a therapist as soon as we get back home. Are you ready to go back? It’s almost your turn.”
“You’ll stay?” Yuri asked.
“Of course, I’ll be next to the rink and come with you to the “Kiss and Cry” if you want.”
“Ok. Let’s do this.” Yuri said after taking a deep breath.
In the end, Yuri performed beautifully. It wasn’t that much of a surprise; the blond skater was so graceful on the ice. He messed up one of his jumps, which was probably why he ended up second and didn’t beat Yuuri. Yuuri had been impressed he had even enough energy to perform the way he did. Yuri’s panic attack had been strong and lasted quite some time. He must have been exhausted. The commentators were quick to point that maybe Yuri’s performance last year had been a fluke and that his gold medal at the Grand Prix had been beginner’s luck. Yuuri simply put his arms around Yuri’s shoulders and hugged the teenager fiercely. If Yuri’s cried a little when the older skater whispered in his ear that he was proud of him, only the two of them knew about it.