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You depart the moment you get the news. The mood isn’t as frantic as you might have expected, but it’s not like you weren’t prepared. You have trusted men to take you as far as you need and a single sleeping body lying on the seat of the carriage. One stop - and then you’ll leave it all behind. More or less.
And… so much for that. You had known the chances that your last ploy would succeed were slim at best, but going by Su Minshan’s report it truly had been a miserable failure. Your informants in Lotus Pier have filled in the rest on the way. This is the end, then. If you are lucky, you will be able to flee with your life. But you have to move fast.
Lan Xichen is still unconscious. Even in sleep, he looks troubled.
You are not far away now. The carriage carries you steadily to your destination with little noise drifting in from outside beyond the gentle clattering of wheels through dirt - and you immediately notice when there is a change in the valence of the enclosed space. Lan Xichen wakes up gradually, the return of consciousness slow and stuttering, but you can pinpoint the exact moment when he regains awareness. By necessity, he is shackled - the cuffs connected to chains bolted to the far wall of the carriage. Propped up against the gently rocking wooden planks, his eyes flutter open and a moment later his gaze is flying over the insides of the carriage. He is fast in taking in his surroundings and soon enough, he has focused his gaze on you. The two of you stare at each other, trapped in complete silence apart from the sounds of wheels bumping along the increasingly uneven road.
He does not speak, seeming lost for words, so it falls to you to break the silence.
“This is temporary,” you say. “Please don’t worry, Er-Ge. No harm will come to you.” You realise you really don’t know how you expect him to react. Part of you wants to preserve his doubt, every uncertainty he has before it becomes conviction.
Lan Xichen stares at you. Over the years, you have made an art out of interpreting his expressions, but he is offering some novel ones to you. Hurt meets disbelief; most noticeable to you is the sense of betrayal he is just beginning to tap into. You have shown your hand now, of course. Still, you had hoped it would not fall apart quite so easily.
He looks down at his shackles, visibly strains against them, to no avail. Then he looks back up at you.
“You tricked me,” he says, his brow furrowed a little but no obvious emotion in his tone. You don’t know what to say to that. You did. But you didn’t want to. It was just another thing you needed to do. Does he know you’ll miss him? Would he want to?
“You’ll be unharmed,” you say again. He appears to not even register the words. His mind is elsewhere, you think as he slowly gets to his feet, graceful despite the restraints. You wonder what you want to say to him, whether it would not be better to keep your distance from him - which is admittedly hard since there is not much space in the carriage. At any other time you would have relished the opportunity to be so close to Zewu-Jun, many years of the privilege making no dent in its appeal, yet now you think you might not want to speak at all, for there is no way any conversation can go well. How will Lan Xichen demonstrate his disgust for you? You almost want him to, but you don’t.
“The music you played for Nie Mingjue,” starts Xichen and already your heart is dropping. “Wei-gongzi heard and memorised it. He played it to me.” It is a sign of how bad things are between the two of you that Lan Xichen will no longer even pretend to not be in contact with Wei-gongzi. But of course, Lan Xichen would know that the melody did not belong, perhaps even put together enough of the puzzle to place it in the Collection of Turmoil you had borrowed from. You wonder if there is anything left you can do to avoid what is to come when Lan Xichen continues. “I tested it on myself.”
For a moment, you lose control and your expression slips. You know you didn’t stop yourself from showing fear, didn’t stop yourself from looking Xichen over to assess any possible damage, half-stepping towards him to feel at his wrist and check that his spiritual energy is not affected. You should have known, your mind screams at you. You knew he would be lured in easily through his concern for you, but he was too easily overwhelmed, too easily subdued. Of course Er-Ge would do this, kind, foolish, Er-Ge, who can’t stop himself from taking the whole world on his shoulders and has always been far too earnest in his belief in your sworn brotherhood, which you and Nie Mingjue had so easily shattered. But Er-Ge, you knew it was poison. Why would you do that to yourself? How could you do such a thing?
As you come to yourself and remember your situation, you do your best to flatten your countenance - but of course it is already too late. The worry has drained from your face but the furious disbelief has risen in his. You have given him as much of a confession as you could have and the both of you know it. You won’t insult him by pretending otherwise, by pretending like that music was anything other than deadly. With a few more seconds to think, you know that such brief exposure won’t have done anything permanent to Lan Xichen, especially since he is in far better health than Nie Mingjue was. But when it comes to any hope of continuing to conceal the truth, the damage is done. Lan Xichen knows.
“How could you,” whispers Lan Xichen - despite his disbelief, it is not quite a question. You have frozen, expression now entirely blank, as your mind scrambles to make a decision about how to act now, what to do next. Before you can decide, Xichen has lunged at you, shackled hands reaching for your robes - or is it your neck he’s after? You jump back, almost colliding with the wall behind you, years and years worth of instinct good for that much. The chains keep him from quite reaching you. He struggles against them for a moment, hands still clawing in your direction, before subsiding, breathing a little heavily as he looks down, away from you.
You can see where the restraints bite into his skin. It is not a pleasant sight. You want to have them removed, so you open your mouth, but before you can speak -
“Wangji,” says Lan Xichen flatly and the conversation is directed onto a new path altogether.
“Unharmed,” you respond to the unspoken question.
“Was that your intention?” asks Xichen, a hard edge to his tone that he only uses when he is at his most angry.
“I meant your brother no harm,” you say, which is more or less the truth. “I didn’t know he would be at Burial Mounds.”
“But you knew of many others,” says Xichen, evidently unwilling to accept anything you say. “Were you planning for them all to die?”
“They are all unharmed too.”
“That isn’t what I asked.” His gaze flickers to the sword on the ground. You wonder what he would do with it if he could. You do not want to know. You do not want to have this conversation.
“Zewu-Jun,” you say, “please seal off your spiritual power.”
That gets his attention. Again with the disbelief, the anger you’ve always known was just beneath the surface but have never seen directed so blatantly at you. “What are you asking of me?”
“If you do so, your restraints will be removed,” you say. “It is not such a big thing. The effects won’t last for long.”
He shakes his head almost immediately, firm in his refusal. “This is too much. I can’t deliberately make myself defenceless like that.”
“Er-Ge,” you gently say - and Xichen flinches. “Be reasonable.” You refuse to let your hurt show on your face. “You will be confined either way and will not be able to escape these shackles… I know they hurt. Just seal off your spiritual powers and they will be gone in an instant.”
Lan Xichen closes his eyes, the muscles of his face taut. This is how he looks when he wishes things were different from how they were but knows he has not the power to change them. Is that what you are now? Just another regret? “I am your prisoner either way,” he says as he opens his eyes again. “Would you prefer to play pretend?”
Yes, your mind whispers. “I do not want Er-Ge to be needlessly uncomfortable.”
He does not say anything to that, just shakes his head. His gaze settles on you, eyes narrowing as he closely considers you. “Jin-zongzhu can remove these constraints whenever he chooses.”
Here, you dispense with any gentleness in your expression. “But I won’t,” you say coolly, “not until I can be confident you won’t be able to do any harm.”
“Do you think I would hurt you?” asks Xichen, something appalled in his tone.
You hesitate. I want to be secure. I want to be safe. “Whether it is my men or my journey you would obstruct, or even by way of any attempt you might make to escape and alert the sects of my location,” you say, “I will not risk it. Your shackles will not be removed until you do as I ask.”
“Then I suppose I must be content to have them stay,” says Xichen, looking down with something like resignation.
You feel a jab of frustration at the intransigence, but try again. “Without the shackles, you will be able to see where we are going,” you say, “and move freely when we arrive at our destination. But only if you seal off your spiritual power. Otherwise it is too dangerous. Please understand.”
Lan Xichen’s gaze settles on you again, and the narrowed eyes and hardened suspicion make you want to flinch. “Where are you going?”
You duck and slightly shake your head, trying to silently explain that this is another question you cannot answer. Lan Xichen, perhaps unsurprisingly, seems unconvinced.
“Are you planning another attack?” he asks, brow furrowed. “Whatever it is, I ask you to reconsider. We can talk of it, try to find some resolution… Please, do not do something you cannot undo.”
It is the first request he has made of you, and you cannot tell whether he is sincere or whether it is just a ploy. His suspicion in either case is hurtful - and untrue. You reflect again for a moment on whether you have any move left to make, but you really don’t. They’re all alert now; what would you do, start a war against all the sects? No, all you have left to do is leave. “There is nothing you need to be worried about,” you say. “I have a few matters to attend to, then I will depart.”
The words take a moment to sink in with Xichen. When they do, he seeks confirmation far more directly than is usually his manner. “You are fleeing?”
It is not a phrasing that pleases you, which doesn’t mean it is inaccurate. You smile, knowing it is not a kind one. “It will be the last you see of me, Er-Ge.”
Another pause. “And what of myself?”
You imagine keeping him shackled, dragging him along as you leave the world you know behind you, keeping him with you whether he wants to be or not. But the sad truth is that you could not do it to him. “You will be released,” you say. “You are here to ensure my passage is unhindered. But no harm will come to you.”
And here… here, Lan Xichen looks distraught, face muscles slack and moisture in his eyes. You cannot decide whether you are glad he still feels any pain at the thought of your permanent separation or whether it makes it all the worse. You want to turn away and you want to stare at his face for as long as you still can. You watch as he raises his hands and with assured strokes makes the motions to cut off his spiritual energy. When he is done, he extends his shackled hands to you, eyes not leaving your face all the while. You are glad to comply with the unspoken request. Moments later he stands before you unencumbered by shackles, free to move within the carriage but no further, no danger to you except by way of the feelings you still harbour towards him.
Once he can, he is quick to make his way to where he can look outside. In truth there isn’t much to see beyond a narrow dirt road that sees little traffic throughout the day, even now when it should still be busy. It is a little out of the way but also has the advantage of being discrete - and you have taken this path on several occasions on your travels between Lanling and Yunping. You highly doubt Lan Xichen will be able to place it, not that it would matter much if he did. Still, there are some things you don’t want to speak to him about. Many things, but some are easier to avoid than others.
After studying the view outside the carriage and the interior of the carriage itself, Lan Xichen has taken some moments to collect himself, perhaps reflect on his situation. You let him, caught between wanting to avert your gaze and being unable to look away, even as you try not to reveal any restlessness on your part. Usually, you might look over papers on such a journey, or take the time to think over plans and various concerns, but there isn’t much left to do. Any plans you had will be scrapped and your concerns have morphed into fear that makes you want to tremble and shake - so you concentrate on suppressing any such urges. Best to not let him see you afraid.
Fortunately, Lan Xichen soon offers a distraction. Less fortunately, he seems ready to continue his interrogation. When he does, he does so without preamble.
“Did you kill him?” asks Xichen, the question falling bluntly from his lips.
You do not have to ask who he means. You would like to ask whether he really needs you to say it. You both know the truth, after all. Still, you can give him this much. “Yes.” You don’t think you’ve ever confessed to so much so easily, not least with so little to gain - except, you think, to salvage whatever is left between the two of you. Perhaps if you can make him see things your way, there is a world… perhaps there is a world where he does not blame himself, where he can let you go and you can let him go and the two of you can part in something like peace. You are ready for the weight of his hatred to descend upon you - but if it is to come, you do not want to hold it off any longer. That too might not be so bad, in a way.
Lan Xichen closes his eyes and you give him some moments, your own composure crumbling while unobserved. When he opens his eyes again, your expression is as blank as you can make it - and the anger has returned to his. “Wei-gongzi, my brother, they told me… but I did not want to believe. I thought I could believe you.”
Can’t be long now until you arrive. The road the carriage rattles along has grown more even again. You’ll be in the city soon. “They could not have told you everything.”
Xichen grimaces. “Then explain. I cannot understand it, so you have to. Tell me how you could do such a thing to our sworn brother, tell me why you would be so cruel.” He takes a small step towards you. “You had your differences, that much I know, but never could it be so much that you should strike him down. You’ve been keeping this from me all these years? I trusted you!”
The urgency in his cracking voice makes you feel panicked and you find yourself responding in kind, wanting to explain as fast as you can to mollify him. The words tumble from your lips, hoping to salvage something beyond repair. You can barely think fast enough to keep up with them; you plan on the spot for words you are still in the process of shaping. “Chifeng-Zun wanted me dead,” you say. “You must know that there were always those who wished me ill, even among his own ranks, but he would never let me defend myself against their degradations. Did I deserve their mockery or their cruelty? He could only see that which was right in front of him and he would shield me from this much and think it sufficient, but ignore all that others intended to conceal from him.”
“And those faults were enough to want him dead?”
“It is as I said. He wanted me dead. Or have you forgotten how he raged against me? I made a mistake, I made a mistake in striking against those at whose side I fought, and I made a mistake in not honestly confessing to Nie-zongzhu. But is such a mistake truly enough to be condemned?”
Xichen shakes his head, his anger entirely undiminished. “This was all in the past. Mingjue-xiong knew of your regret and he agreed to be your sworn brother. Does this not matter to you?”
“But he didn’t agree,” you say. “He never truly trusted me again. You believe he moved on? You think he forgave me for my actions as a spy? It was your entreatments that made him let himself be sworn to me. He didn’t agree as much as give in. Perhaps he wanted an opportunity to continue watching me closely.”
“He was not so dishonest,” says Xichen.
You feel the intended sting. Still, you have come too far now to stop, so you press on. “He hated me ever since I left his employ and for my time in Nightless City, however much I told him I regretted both. He was always suspicious of me. How was I to not fear for my life? How was I to not protect myself from him however I could?”
“By poisoning him?”
“He was ready to take everything I had away from me and would gladly have done so if he had been given the chance. What choice did I have?”
“What choice? You had every choice!” exclaims Xichen, half-yells. He adds in what is almost a whisper - “You could have come to me.”
You wonder at Lan Xichen, who knows of how cruel the world can be and still saw something other than that in you. You wonder at how he looks at you now, grieving for crimes committed long ago because he holds himself responsible for something that was doomed before he even got involved. He is still breaking you, a little, even now, in his steadfast belief that he could have come between the two of you, just a hair’s breadth away from delusion. “What could you have done?” you say - and what you mean is you did everything you could. He knows it too, you think, knows how determined Nie Mingjue had been in pursuing his ends, is perhaps beginning to understand what it is about you that will not allow such a threat to remain unchecked. Your confrontation had always had the inevitability of the setting sun and the only thing Lan Xichen could have done was gotten in the way. Perhaps it would have saved Nie Mingjue, but it probably would have ruined you in the process. Is that what Lan Xichen would have preferred?
He doesn’t immediately reply. He looks so lost. “You used the music I taught you,” he says. “And what you took from the library of Cloud Recesses.”
It is not a question, but you have to wonder whether it adds insult to the injury. Another way Lan Xichen can think himself responsible, even as an unwitting participant in your schemes. Perhaps he thinks without the music, none of it could have happened at all - as if you could not have found another way, as if your head might not have well been severed from your body by way of Baxia if you hadn’t. “He was willing to kill me, that night.”
Lan Xichen shook his head. “He wouldn’t.”
“He blamed me for many things, including the orders I had carried out on behalf of my father. Even if I could not help what occurred, he came after me when he found out.”
“Whatever it was, he would not have tried to kill you.”
This strikes you as an odd assessment of Nie Mingjue’s character, but perhaps Xichen prefers to delude himself. “You were not there.”
You can see the misery in his eyes. “What could have passed between the two of you, for your relations to not be recoverable?”
You half-smile. “Does Er-Ge know what he said? He had already shown me how little he thought of me, time and time again. And on that night…”
Lan Xichen blinks furiously and the slow-building tears are closer than ever to spilling over. “Why should I believe anything you say?”
It is a question you know not how to answer. You consider telling him just how rarely you have directly lied to him. You think of just how much you have shared that you have with no other person. But you have lost him, as surely as you have everything else, and it stands to reason that there is nothing much to say to convince him otherwise. You could not help but try - but that’s all it was. “You can do as you want,” you say tonelessly. “Does knowing it is the truth make any difference?”
His eyes narrow. “It is not enough to excuse you.”
So it does not. “You asked that I explain and so I have.”
“Of his death, perhaps. But what you did afterwards? Wei-gongzi spoke of Mingjue-xiong’s severed head in your hidden room, spoke of the manner in which you had Xue Yang decapitate him. And how his remains have since been used and sullied? These are not the actions of one who is afraid, but instead speaks to malicious intent. How can you not be callous to have done such things to a man you say you once cared about?”
Why does he even ask? He has clearly made up his mind about you. Cruel, dishonest, malicious, callous. Does he want you to confirm his conclusions? Would it be easier for him to see you as a monster, now that he already thinks you one? Your mouth twists in the shadow of the smile you offered Nie Mingjue that night and Xichen’s immediate reaction is a sight to behold. “He paid for what he did,” you say. “And if his corpse was of use to me in a way he had long since stopped being in life, what of it? Do you judge me for it?”
Lan Xichen looks at you in a way that suggests he does, in fact, judge you. There is something in you that relishes in the revulsion you can surely now see in him. “Are those truly your thoughts?”
You are made to pause at the question, having been prepared for a stronger condemnation. Again, what does he want you to say? At the end of the day, they are - however you may choose to deliver them in the moment. A part of you still thrills at what you did to strong, powerful Nie Mingjue, and if there is any other part of you, the both of you know that it is surely too late for regrets. You stare past Xichen, your next words void of emotion. “He hated me,” you say. “So I hated him.”
So you begin to convince him of your depravity. He still seems uncertain of what to think of you - this must all be very sudden to him. You wish you could arrive so that he no longer has the chance to ask anything further, to force you to respond. You want to cower away from his searching looks, but instead you settle for cold responses.
He asks, “Were you intending to kill him that night? Even when you spoke to me?”
You say, “Not that night. He approached me.”
He says, “But you must have known he would be weak enough to overwhelm.”
You say, “I could see as much that night. And I knew it would come to this. I had prepared for the moment and when it arrived… I acted.”
He says, “As you acted with Burial Mounds.” You glance at him, wish you hadn’t caught his expression. It is piteous. He continues, “You knew you were at risk of discovery and you lured them there. What were you planning to do with them?”
You do not answer.
It is all the answer Lan Xichen needs. He says, “How could you do such an evil thing? How many innocent lives were you willing to take, only for your own gain?”
“I had to try, Er-Ge,” you say, and you think you slip enough to sound tired rather than cold. “They were ready to take everything from me.”
“There is no need,” says Lan Xichen, “for you to call me Er-Ge any longer.”
You flinch. Maybe he does not see it; probably, he does. The token, now this - Xichen is quickly removing himself from you. Soon, you will no long be able to reach him at all. It is for the best, you tell yourself as you quickly study his face, searing his pain into your memory. He won’t ever look at you again the way he used to. It is easier for him to hate you but you don’t want him to.
You arrive. You will leave the carriage first and tell one of your men what to do with Lan Xichen, where to keep him as you supervise the work. It should only be a few hours, then you can leave. If any trouble comes, you are prepared. There should be nothing to fear, but you are always afraid. Before you step out, you get one last good look at Lan Xichen, who is beautiful even in his misery. This, you are not a stranger to. You have seen him miserable often over the years. But you have never seen how he looks at you when you are the one causing it. Again, you are tempted to reach out. You want to touch him and hold him and beg him for forgiveness and tell him that he has always carried a part of you with him, that he has always been precious to you in a way that is far from a lie. You wonder whether he can see any of that in the little half-smile that contorts your mouth, in the way you linger on the threshold. His gaze is still searching, like he still doesn’t have all the answers he needs. He will have to find them on his own.
You turn and leave. It is done.