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Phoenix had never imagined “the Coolest Defense in the West” would kiss like this: tentative and careful, yet with a startling undercurrent of passion and an ever stronger one of desperation.
So caught off-guard by the surprise that was Kristoph Gavin’s mouth, Phoenix realized a few milliseconds too late that while the sensation was not exactly unpleasant, it was still very much unwelcome--at least on his own part.
Phoenix broke the kiss and then, gently but firmly pushed Kristoph away. “Why don’t we get you a cab home, Kris? I think you’ve had a bit too much.”
Gavin knew that he should take the “easy out” Wright had offered him. It would be far better for them both for Kristoph to leave now before he did something irrevocable.
Tomorrow they could agree to forget about it--to insist it didn’t mean anything, because they’d been drinking. They’ll exaggerate the amount of alcohol consumed, and perhaps in a month or so, this will have become a humorous anecdote.
‘Hey, Kris. Remember the time we got so wasted that we kissed ? God, we were really out of it that night--weren’t we? Glad we sobered up before we let things get too crazy.’
Phantom laughter rang in Gavin’s ears, and his scarred hand tensed.
The fleeting, blissful warmth of Phoenix Wright’s lips on his. That longed-for dream which had been a momentary reality. Kristoph wouldn’t let it be reduced to a drunken shenanigan, to the punchline of a funny story.
“I haven’t had too much to drink, liebste,” he said emphatically. “I’m as sober as a judge--- or I suppose… as a defense attorney.”
“You’re really not helping your case with that argument. I used to be a defense attorney--remember?”
Perhaps it was just a trick of the light, but Wright could’ve sworn that Kristoph flinched at these words. Perhaps, he did have some vestiges of a guilty conscience somewhere in that head of his after all.
“Besides, Gavin, I’ve watched you guzzle down booze like there’s nobody’s business over the last hour. I’m quite frankly surprised that you are still vertical, given how much of a lightweight you normally are.”
“When it comes in the form of Dutch courage, alcohol can be remarkably fortifying for the constitution.”
“Or ‘German courage’ in your case?” Phoenix said, hoping to lighten the tension with a joke.
Kristoph was quiet for a while before responding. “Do you know where it comes from--courage? The word, I mean?” Phoenix shook his head, and Gavin continued. “Borrowed from Vulgar Latin via Old French. A literal translation would be something like ‘an action from the heart.’ It’s appropriate--don’t you think?”
He placed a manicured hand on the hoodie-clad chest--over Phoenix Wright’s heart--while the other hand reached to gently cup Wright’s scruffy cheek.
As Kristoph moved to lean in, Phoenix rose from the sofa, determined to put some space between them before the situation escalated again.
“I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to offend.” There was an uncharacteristic quiver to Gavin’s voice that Wright had never heard before.
“You’re fine. Quite frankly, I ‘m flattered. But.... I just can’t do any of this,” Wright gestured towards himself and then towards Gavin, “right now.”
Kristoph brushed the blond fringe out of his eyes, hoping that the familiar action would calm his shaking hands. It didn’t.. “I...I should clarify that ‘this’ can be whatever you want it to be. It needn’t be a relationship--serious or otherwise. It can be purely physical, occasional--a one-off even.”
He would never have considered casual sex under the normal circumstances, but these were hardly normal circumstances-now-- were they? If there was even a chance of a moment…
Aware that he may still be asking too much, Gavin revised his expectations. “It needn’t even be reciprocal. You’re lonely and stressed, Phoenix --overworked, underpaid, and overwhelmed. I know that I can relieve some of that stress if you’ll let me. You wouldn’t even have to return the favor.”
“I couldn’t ask that of you.”
“But you can; you should. I’d do it gladly, because I lo--” Kristoph couldn’t bring himself to say the word aloud. It was too terrifying, too raw, too true.
“Because I...I care about you, Phoenix Wright,” he continued. “I care about you more than I can possibly articulate, more than I ever thought I could care for anyone. And as such...I want to be there, Wright. I yearn to be with you and for you in any way that I can, in any way that you need.”
‘If you really cared as much as you say, Kris,’ Wright thought bitterly. ‘you’d be out there getting my badge back for me. You’d face the consequences of your actions and accept a life of disbarment and disgrace--the same life you forced me into before we’d even met.’
Phoenix softened slightly when he met the other man’s gaze. Kristoph’s bespectacled eyes were rapidly welling up with moisture.
Crocodile tears, surely. And yet...
Wright placed his hand into the pocket of his hoodie, feeling the cool smoothness of the magatama under his fingertips. The lie-detecting talisman had not reacted to anything Gavin had said this evening.
‘Never thought I’d prefer lies to the truth from you, Kris, but I guess I was wrong.’
Phoenix gave Kristoph’s shoulder an awkward pat. “All I need right now is for you to be my friend, Kris. Just my friend. My friend-without-benefits.”
“Alright, of course. I said... I’d be there in any way you needed and I meant it, though it’s not…” Gavin spoke slowly, carefully--as though he was trying to regain some sort of tentative control over his emotions. “But if that ever changes, if you ever think you might want more from me…I’m willing to wait a very long time for even just a moment.”
“If I ever change my mind about this, you would be the first to know. But I won’t. I’m sure of it.”
“How could you be sure?” A thought occurred to Kristoph. “…unless...you simply aren’t interested in men, or perhaps... aren’t interested in sex at all.”
“No, that’s not it. I am interested--in men and in hypothetically having sex with them.”
“Then... is there...is there someone else?” A cravated prosecutor came to Kristoph’s mind, as did a perky spirit medium. He hated them.
“No, there’s not anyone else.”
At least not in the way that Kristoph thought. Even after all these years, Dahlia still cast a long shadow over all of Phoenix’s subsequent and prospective relationships. Not even Iris--the “Dahlia” Phoenix had actually fallen in love with--had been able to measure up to the beautiful, terrible, fascinating hybrid of herself and her sister in Phoenix’s mind.
Tears now falling rapidly down his handsome face, Kristoph withdrew a lace handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his eyes. “If you are interested in men and there isn’t anyone else...I guess the only conclusion is that the problem is...is me.”
“Don’t be like that.”
“That isn’t a denial,” Kristoph pointed out, his voice ragged from the lump in his throat.
“No, I guess...I guess it isn’t. If it helps, I could give you all the old lines-- ‘it’s not you; it’s me;’ ‘I don’t want to ruin our friendship.’ And I’d genuinely mean them. But the truth is...I just can’t give you what you want, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”
“I’ve told you; I don’t need a relationship. Just a moment or two to keep in my mind and heart. It would be enough.”
And it would; Kristoph was sure of it. He’d always known that real happy endings--the kind in books and songs and fairy tales--were only for people like Klavier. People who were effortlessly brilliant and vibrant, strong and resilient, stable and...and sane.
Whereas with Kristoph, those rare moments of true happiness were all he’d ever had, all he could ever have.
The one advantage of this was that each moment was intensified in his memory far more so than they were for stabler people. He could replay each one in his head and over and over until happiness almost felt lasting, almost felt real.
Until he himself almost felt real.
Phoenix Wright made Kristoph Gavin feel more real, more alive than anything else ever had. One meaningful moment with him--however brief and imperfect it was--would be more potent, more stabilizing than all the other moments put together.
Phoenix’s voice interjected Kristoph’s thoughts. “Unfortunately, I just can’t give you that moment you need, Kris. Let alone anything more.”
“Am I...am I really so distasteful?”
“No, Kris. You’re...you’re gorgeous and successful and smart and interesting. You’re just...not right for me.”
“You think I’m...I’m gorgeous?” Kristoph gave a tentative half smile that reached his eyes-- tears rendering his irises an even-more-striking shade of blue than usual.
“Don’t read too much into it. Everyone thinks you’re gorgeous; it’s pretty much an objective fact. Anyway, the point I was trying to make is that...there’s bound to be someone else out there waiting for you right now. Someone that you probably haven’t even met but is ready to give you a whole lifetime of moments. Someone besides me.”
Part of Phoenix genuinely wished he could be that person for Kristoph and recognized that in another version of reality--one without Dahlia Hawthorne or Zak Gramarye-- he might’ve been. A reality where he and Kristoph had found each other sooner and under better circumstances.
‘I can’t afford to give you a moment, Kris. Because if I did, I might be the one wanting more. And if I do...well that’ll just make things even harder for us both in the long run.’
“I….I think I should go now,” Kristoph said after a long silence. “A lawyer can always tell when he’s lost his case, and I should so hate to make even more of a fool of myself than I already have.”
He grabbed his phone off of Wright’s third-hand coffee table and arranged a rideshare for himself. “I...I can only hope that I haven’t sabotaged our friendship beyond repair in the process.”
“It’s nothing that a morning for us both to sober up won’t solve.” Phoenix hesitated and then made a request. “And...a promise not to speak of this again?”
“But of course.”
“In that case, I’ll see you at our usual table at the Borscht on Monday night?”
Kristoph shrugged. “I’ll have to check my schedule. Klavier is in town next week, so I might be unavailable.”
A single red psyche lock appeared over Kristoph’s heart.
‘Oof. I guess it was kind of unreasonable to expect everything to go back to normal so quickly.’
“Of course,” Phoenix said. “It’s totally cool if you already have plans...or even if you don’t and just want some space for awhile... I totally get that.”
“Not everything is about you, Wright.” Kristoph pushed his glasses up his nose as another psyche lock materialized.
“I’m sorry,” he continued after a brief uncomfortable silence. ”That came out harsher than I expected. Good night, Phoenix. And thank you for being honest and...and kind--even if it wasn’t what I hoped to...”
“Good night, Kris. And good luck in court tomorrow. I don’t envy you starting the day with Gaspen Payne--and a hangover.”
“Don’t remind me,” Kristoph groaned. He looked at his phone again. “I’ll see myself out. My car should be here any minute.”
Normally, Phoenix might have waited outside with Gavin for his ride, but tonight, he knew he should keep his distance. He did, however, watch from the window to make sure Gavin got into the car safely.
FIN