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Remus is curled up underneath the covers, wanting nothing more than for the world to open up and swallow him whole. His head is thumping, the pain in his abdomen so bad that he doesn’t even want to move – yet he can’t lie still, unable to settle in a comfortable position.
He is hoping to spend the day in silence, not wanting to have to deal with his friends or with trying to have to hide what is happening to him right now. But when he hears James and Sirius laughing, he groans, pulling the covers even further over his head.
“What’s going on with you?” James asks. “You’re not ill, are you?”
“It’s just a headache,” Remus mumbles. “I’m fine.”
“Oh… we were thinking of going into town today. Are you coming with us?”
Remus groans, feeling too miserable to come up with a proper excuse – already preparing himself to get out of bed and to force himself to fake a smile as he tries to do every month.
“Leave him,” Sirius says. “If he isn’t feeling well…”
“It’s just a headache, right?”
“Right.”
“You go into town with Lily.” Remus hears Sirius say. “I’ll stay here with Remus.”
“Are you sure? He can take an aspirin, right? It’s…”
“Go,” Sirius laughs. “Have fun with Lily.”
Remus hears footsteps, before a door gets closed, and he half-hopes that Sirius has left too. But within seconds he can hear footsteps coming over to his bed.
“What’s wrong?” Sirius asks, kneeling down by the bed. He gently pulls the covers away, revealing Remus’ flushed face. “Is it really just a headache?”
“No. I mean, yes, but…”
“Then what?” Sirius whispers, as he gently runs his hand through his hair to flatten it.
“It’s… you know… that-time-of-the-month,” Remus mumbles, and as soon as the words have left his mouth, he can feel his ears grow warm.
“No, it’s not,” Sirius chuckles. “It was a full moon last week, wasn’t it?”
“Not that…,” Remus tries, but then he sighs, too embarrassed to even try and explain.
“Oh!” Sirius realises. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… oh…”
Remus just stares at him, not failing to notice the uncomfortable look on his face. Still remembering seeing that same look when he had first gotten his period a few years ago and Sirius had been there when it happened. He had quickly explained to Sirius why he was bleeding – reassuring him that he wasn’t hurt and definitely didn’t need to go see Madam Pomfrey – and Sirius had tried his best to show a smile and act like it was no big deal. But Remus still remembers how uncomfortable he had been and how they hadn’t discussed it since.
How it hadn’t even been brought up when something between them had changed. When Sirius had started flirting with him, and when one night there had been a nervous kiss. Not even when they had started holding hands, and Sirius had started calling him ‘babe’.
“I’m sorry,” Remus whispers, preparing himself for Sirius to start freaking out. But Sirius just leans in, and he presses a kiss into his hair, a soft smile on his face.
“I’ll be right back, okay?”
Remus gives a nod, not sure what’s happening, but feeling too miserable to object. Pulling the covers over his head again as soon as Sirius has left the room.
He presses a hand to his abdomen, the stabbing pain bringing tears to his eyes. He closes them, but he can feel himself starting to shiver, his breath becoming unsteady – having had enough panic attacks to know when he is about to have one.
“Babe?”
Remus is too focussed on trying to steady his breathing to react, but when Sirius carefully pulls the covers off him, he has no choice but to look up at him.
“Does it hurt that much?” Sirius asks, before quickly adding, “I’m sorry, that’s a stupid question, isn’t it? Of course it hurts.”
Remus just shrugs, unable to face the other teenager– still expecting him to want to run away from all this. Run away from him.
“What can I do to help?” Sirius asks, Remus only now noticing that his hands are full of candy bars and his favourite crisps. “I brought you these, but…”
“Thanks,” Remus whispers, flashing a small smile. But he is struggling to keep his tears in, and the other teenager notices, because he lays the candy down on the bedside table before climbing into bed with him.
“What are you…?”
“I don’t want you to be on your own when you’re upset,” Sirius whispers as he pulls the covers back over their heads. “Is this okay?” he asks, his hand sliding underneath Remus’ t-shirt. He ever so gently begins to massage his belly, Remus for a moment too shocked at his touch to say or do anything. But then he shakes his head, and he pushes Sirius’ hand away.
“Don’t.”
“I’m sorry, I just…”
“It’s disgusting,” Remus spits out, trying hard to ignore the pained look on Sirius’ face. “You shouldn’t…”
“It’s not,” Sirius disagrees. “It’s…”
“What? Natural?” Remus scoffs. “You know, I had to go into town to buy tampons the other week. The way they looked at me…”
“They probably thought you were just buying them for your girlfriend or your sister.” Sirius shrugs, but it does nothing to take away Remus’ uneasiness. “I’m so sorry, babe.”
“It’s so fucking embarrassing.”
“It’s not,” Sirius reassures him, his hand snaking its way onto the other teenager’s belly again. He gently caresses him, a nervous smile on his face, but this time Remus doesn’t push him away. Instead, he closes his eyes, still sniffling. “Next time you need tampons, I’ll buy them for you, okay? Would that help?”
“That’s even more embarrassing,” Remus groans, but when he opens his eyes again, he finds Sirius staring at him with a serious look on his face. “What?”
“It’s not embarrassing, Remus. If my boyfriend needs tampons, then I’m buying them.”
“Your boyfriend?” Remus chuckles, all of the sudden very aware of Sirius’ hand underneath his shirt. Of how close they are right now in bed, underneath the covers.
“Is that okay?” Sirius whispers.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh… right,” Sirius chuckles nervously. “Sorry. Too soon, right?”
“No, Sirius. It’s just… I’m not…”
“You don’t like me?”
“I do,” Remus whispers, and where just a minute ago the covers had been like a safety blanket, right now they are making him feel claustrophobic. So he pushes them off and he sits up, his heart skipping a beat as he watches Sirius lie there – a nervous look on his face.
“But not enough to want me to be your boyfriend?”
“It’s not you, it’s… this, me. I saw the way you looked at me when I first told you I’m trans, Sirius,” Remus sighs. “And I know you’re saying all the right things, and I appreciate that, but…”
“But what?”
“But this isn’t going to go away by pretending it’s not there.”
“What are you talking about?” Sirius asks, now sitting up so they are eye to eye. “They way I looked at you when you told me? I was worried. You were freaking out and crying, Remus. I’m not pretending I don’t know, or…” He shrugs, struggling to find the right words to say. “I just didn’t want to bring it up, because I didn’t think it mattered,” he tries, before quickly adding. “In a good way. It doesn’t matter to me. You’re just Remus… you know?”
“But I thought…”
“What? That I had forgotten?” Sirius chuckles uncomfortably.
“We never talked about it. So I thought…,” Remus sighs, but when his boyfriend grabs his hand, he can’t help but smile. “It truly doesn’t matter to you?”
“Did you listen to a word I just said?”
“I did, but this…”
“I love you, Remus,” Sirius says, before Remus can tear himself down again. But when he sees him looking at the closed door, a pensive look on his face, he sighs. “They wouldn’t care, you know? If you told them.”
“I don’t want them to think of me any differently. When people find out, it changes…”
“It didn’t change the way I saw you,” Sirius reassures him. “They love you, and this… it’s not a big deal.” He shrugs, but when Remus glares at him, he flashes a sheepish grin. “To us. It’s not a big deal to us.”
Remus feels another sharp pain in his abdomen, and he doubles over – his cheeks flushing. He almost tells Sirius to leave him alone, but before he can say anything, Sirius has already laid back down. He opens up his arms, and Remus hesitates for a moment, before curling up in his arms. Sirius immediately sliding his hand underneath his t-shirt to caress his lower back.
“I hate this,” Remus whispers, his voice breaking as Sirius kisses the top of his head.
“I know, babe,” Sirius sighs, wishing he knew what he could say or do to make his boyfriend feel better. But all he can think of is to simply be there for him and tell him he loves him.
“Sirius?”
“Mhm?”
“Thank you,” Remus says, smiling through his tears, Sirius still caressing his back. “For not running away.”
“What’s going on here, then?” Lily laughs when she and James walk into the bedroom later that day and they find their two friends cuddled up in bed – the floor covered in empty candy bar wrappers. “Did you boys enjoy yourselves?”
“Is this why you wanted me to leave?” James asks. “So you two could have the room to yourselves? You could have just asked, you know?”
“Yes, James.” Sirius rolls his eyes. “That’s exactly it.”
“Ignore him,” Lily laughs, before sitting down on the side of the bed and putting her hand on Remus’ forehead. “Are you feeling better?”
“I am.” Remus nods. “Thanks. Sirius, he ehm…”
“Took good care of you?” Lily asks, gesturing at the mess on the floor. Something in her smile making Remus wonder if she knows why he has spent the day in bed, but she doesn’t say.
Remus watches his friends as they talk about what James and Lily have gotten up to today, and something about the moment – about Sirius’ words from earlier – making him feel more confident.
“Ehm, guys…?” he interrupts in the middle of a story. “I have to tell you something.”
“If this is about you and Sirius…,” James laughs, Remus’ cheeks flushing as he shakes his head. “Right. We’re still pretending we don’t know about that?”
Sirius puts his hand on Remus’ back, the touch giving Remus’ more reassurance that he is not about to make a huge mistake by telling his friends.
“I ehm…,” he begins, his mouth feeling very dry now. “The reason I’m not feeling well is… well… it’s… that-time-of-the-month,” he mumbles, staring down at his hands. The silence that follows making him want to get up, run away and never come back. But when he finally looks up – expecting his friends to be freaked out – he finds them simply watching him. Lily with a knowing smile on her face, James like he is trying to solve a riddle.
“But wasn’t the full moon…,” James finally begins, breaking the silence. “I mean…”
“Not that time of the month,” Lily grits through her teeth.
“So… you’re…”
“Trans,” Remus says, his heart nearly beating out of his chest – Sirius’ hand on his back the only thing that is keeping him calm right now.
“Right…” James nods, still looking a little confused. “Did you know?” he asks, looking at Lily.
“I did.” She shrugs. “But I figured it was none of our business.”
James is still nodding, trying his best to take in this new information.
“That’s cool,” he finally settles on, and Remus can’t help but smile. “I mean… yeah, it’s cool.”
“Cool,” Remus chuckles, breathing a sigh of relief. “Now what were you saying, about that new shop in town?”
“Are you okay?” Sirius whispers, as their friends continue the story they’d been telling before Remus had interrupted them.
“Mhm, I’m okay.” Remus smiles as he pulls his legs up to his chest – still feeling sore and uncomfortable, but no longer feeling a need to try and hide it. “I love you.”
“I love you too, babe.”