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“Hyung, I don’t know if you’ll get this, I don’t know… I don’t know how you will feel about this, but I want you to know anyways. I.. I couldn’t do it anymore, I…I hope you understand, but I- I’m so sorry hyung. I want you to know that I love you so much, so fucking much, but I decided that if I wanted to be happy with you, I have to love myself too, and I can’t do that if I stay by your side. I’m sorry, I want you to know that it’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault. So, please, please stop looking for me, stop with the police and the media, stop with private agents just… just please, please let me live in piece, let me live far away from hatred that is rooted in that damned city. The only sin that I committed was loving you, and I had to pay the price for that…I-I can’t handle it, I’m sorry but I’m not-I’m not as strong as I thought. Please, just leave me be…I’ll always love you my dear, you’ll always be my world, my moon and my whole universe, but I am too tired to be your sun, so please, forgive me for that. Goodbye Yoongi.”
5 years later
Yoongi loved having concerts. The loud music, the energy, the people that supported him unconditionally. He loved living that life.
Sweat was running down his forehead after a big performance and he was breathing tiredly. He loved his fans so much. They were always there for him.
“Thank you everyoneee!” he screamed in his mic. After every concert he would talk with his fans, answer their questions and just chill for a bit, get to know them.
“Really, guys.” , he said seriously this time, with lack of the excitement, “ Thank you for tonight, thank you for loving my music and for supporting me. I can’t explain in words how much I appreciate you being here. Thank you for staying by my side!” Yoongi’s eyes teared up but he didn’t want to cry. Not again.
His fans knew why Yoongi was so sensitive to leaving. It was because of Jimin. And many hated Jimin for leaving Yoongi and making him this sad, but many also understood the burden that Jimin was under. Yoongi’s fandom had a lot of toxic people but after Jimin left every hate speech or inappropriate behavior was sued by Yoongi’s company. Maybe that’s why many new people fell in love with Yoongi and his music. He became even more popular because his song became so much more real and personal, he became more human in everyone’s eyes.
After hours of running and dancing and just talking and screaming, Yoongi has finally left the stage. He went backstage to change out of the flashy outfit and to wipe off his makeup. It’s then that he saw him.
He was sitting, small between big musical instruments and lights, between people running around trying to clean everything and make sure everyone is safely out. Yoongi didn’t know how he got there, but he was, Jimin was there, staring at him.
The first thing that Yoongi noticed was how much he had changed. His once brown hair was now soft blonde, his chubby cheeks now shallow, more handsome and fit than ever, but still equally beautiful. He looked like Jimin he once knew, but also like someone he has never met before.
Yoongi felt his whole body freezing in place. He wasn’t able to move, wasn’t able to even blink or look away from him. For a second it felt like they were stuck in time, like everyone disappeared and they were the only ones in the world, just them, looking at each other.
It was Jimin that made the first move, first step. He was walking slowly as if he was afraid Yoongi was going to ran away, and for a second Yoongi thought he might. But he didn’t. He stayed there, he imagined this moment in his head multiple times, but now, he just didn’t know what to do. Jimin was right in front of him.
“Hey, hyung.” , he said with his honey voice and Yoongi almost melted with how much he missed that voice. He wanted to do something to answer to pull him closer but he didn’t. Words were stuck in his throat, the only thing he could do is stare at Jimin.
Seeing that Yoongi won’t answer Jimin continued talking.
“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t know if coming here was good idea, but I asked Seokjin hyung and he let me here. I’ll- I’ll leave if this makes you uncomfortable.”
Jimin was as considerate as always. But the only thing Yoongi wanted from him was not to leave.
“Why are you here Jimin?”
Yoongi noticed how Jimin flinched at his voice. He didn’t know why.
“I missed you.” , he said and NO. He didn’t have right to just show up after years and just do this to Yoongi.
Yoongi was torn to pieces when Jimin left, he can’t go through that again. But he missed him, he missed him so much that he would forget about everything and let Jimin in his life again. He sighted.
“Let’s talk somewhere else.”
Yoongi went to his dressing room, Jimin was following a few steps behind him. It was empty, luckily, probably because everyone was packing stuff in the van. Yoongi entered and locked the door behind him. He didn’t want Seokjin to enter. Jimin didn’t comment on it.
“Look, Jimin” he started slowly “ I don’t know what you want but I don’t think is fair for you to just show up like this after five years. It’s been-“ Yoongi choked, his voice started waving, he really didn’t want to cry, not in front of him “It’s been five fucking years Jimin.”
He couldn’t look Jimin in the eyes. He knew that if he did he would break down.
“I know.” Was what Jimin said. He sounded calm and Yoongi hated him for it. “I just…. Hyung I told you how it was for me, how it is for me when I’m with you.”
“Then why are you here again!?” , Yoongi screamed again. He looked at Jimin and saw tears, he regreted looking his way. He wanted to kiss him and tell him everything would be okay, but he couldn’t.
“I don’t know.” Jimin sad sadly, quietly. “I just-“ tears were rolling down his face but his voice was calm, as if he practiced what to say beforehand, maybe he did, but he forgot everything now. “I just missed you so much it hurted.”
“And you think I wasn’t hurt? You think I was happy when my boyfriend suddenly disappeared, you think I wasn’t scared shitless when someone I loved was no longer in my life?” , Yoongi was trying to control his emotions but for some reason he felt like everything was falling apart.
“I’m sorry! Okay? I don’t know what do you expect me to say except that I’m sorry! But I was hurt Yoongi. I was alone all the time and leaving all that leaving you was the hardest decision I had to make in my life!” , Jimin was just as mad and hurt. Tears and snot were running down his beautiful face. “I told you that I needed to love myself first if I wanted to be with you. I thought you deserved better, someone who wasn’t as ugly as me or as fat as me or as stupid and untalented as I am. I wanted what’s best for you and that wasn’t me.”
“You do not to make that kind of decision!” Yoongi screamed at him and seeing Jimin so broken only angered him more. It was after all, Yoongi’s fault that Jimin felt all that, he knew how Jimin was being treated by his company, by his parents, by his fans, and still, Yoongi never did anything, thinking that Jimin is too thick skinned for it to hurt him.
Of course he wasn’t, Jimin is, after all, human as all of us. And Yoongi never did anything to show him how much he appreciated him just the way he is.
“I’m sorry.” Yoongi said after a minute of silence. “I’m sorry for never being there when you needed me. My career took off and it was the only thing I was thinking about. I thought that you would always be there. It was normal for me to think how we will have a life together and stay together but I never did anything for that life with you. I’m sorry that being with me brought you so much pain.”
Jimin wiped his tears with his sleeve and hiccupped.
“I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for not being strong enough, I’m sorry for being scared and never telling you anything that bothered me. I’m sorry that I just left without explanation and for breaking up in a voice message. I’m sorry that I kept in contact with all our friends except for you. It was just too painful. I’m sorry hyung.”
A single tear dropped down Yoongi’s cheek and he quickly whipped it.
“Why are you here Jimin?” , Yoongi asked him again.
“You know why I’m here.”
“Because you still love me? And what if you do? I’m still an artist with fans, I still work too much and I can’t promise to protect you.” , Yoongi said bitterly. The truth is, Yoongi would cherish Jimin more, he would love him better, he would be a better person with him. He swore that if he ever meets Jimin that he would just do better to keep him in his life, but for some reason he didn’t want to admit that, maybe too scared that he would disappoint him again.
“You would Yoongi. Sokjin told me everything, he told me how you treat your crazy fans, he told me you started working out, living healthy. He told me how much you cry and how sad you are but you still try to be a better person for me. So I started being better person for you.” Jimin cupped Yoongi’s cheek. “ Yoongi hyung I told you that I won’t be able to love you as long as I don’t love myself. So for you I tried, it took me so much time but I finally love myself enough to let myself be loved by you.”
Yoongi was now crying. He really wanted to kiss Jimin so bad.
“We are both fools.” Said Yoongi. Jimin stepped away.
“I hope we are fools in love at least.” Jimin smiled warmly. Yoongi missed that smile so much.
“Maybe.”
Yoongi came closer and finally wrapped Jimin in a hug. Jimin smelled like vanilla and honey. He was warm and frail Yoongi thought he would break him if he hugs him stronger. Jimin carefully wrapped his hands around Yoongi as well.
“I’m sorry for not loving you better. I hope you give me a chance to do better.” Yoongi said in Jimin’s neck.
“You idiot, that’s why I’m here.”
“This time is going to be different. We will go slowly, carefully. No more secrets, no more ignoring each other, no more staying in studio and forgetting the love of our lives.”
“No more insecurities, no more running away. We are older now, maybe this time our love won’t be bigger than we are. Maybe this time it would fit just perfectly.”
Yoongi pulled away and kissed Jimin’s forehead.
“We go slowly. If we fall apart we put each other together. But no matter the obstacles in front of us, we stay together.”
Jimin pulled his pinky finger out. “ Promise?”
Yoongi connected their foreheads and grabbed Jimin’s pinky with his own “Promise.”