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Hanahaki Disease: A sickness that occurs when someone is faced with unrequited love. The victim will cough up flower petals that symbolize their love, and will eventually fill the lungs with flower petals resulting in suffocation. The disease can only be cured when the victim's feelings are romantically returned. if that doesn’t happen, the only other way that the disease is cured is through surgery, but it removes your ability to love along with the flowers.
When he feels a tickle in the back of his throat and seconds later he is coughing up a single daffodil petal, Atsumu isn't surprised.
Despite what others may think, he has a large capacity for love. Whether it be platonic or romantic, Atsumu finds himself caring for people much more than he should. He figured it would only be a matter of time before a romantic love of his didn't return the feeling. He just didn’t think it would happen at the ripe, young age of sixteen.
Sasuka Kiyoomi, also known as Atsumu’s unrequited love.
It happens at the All Japan Youth Training Camp. Atsumu hadn't known much about Sasuka, only that he was a cold person and a germaphobe. And Atsumu hadn't been expecting much from Itachiyama’s ace.
But when Atsumu sees him walk in the gym, dark curled hair framing his face, mask covering his mouth and nose, and the most adorable disgusted face, Atsumu knows he is screwed.
Something about Sakusa drew him in. He was like a black whole, pulling Atsumu to him.
So yeah, he isn’t too surprised when he coughs up that daffodil petal. A little startled? Sure. But not surprised.
What he is surprised about is the likelihood of the unrequited love. Atsumu had assumed that Sakusa simply did not love him back, that maybe he could confess and possibly have the romantic feelings return, getting rid of the disease.
But when Atsumu sees the way Sakusa looks at Ushijima, Atsumu realizes he cannot confess. He looked at Ushijima like he had hung the stars in the sky. His gaze was full of admiration and longing, and Atsumu knew he didn't stand a chance.
So he stays quiet, refusing to make his feelings obvious to Sakusa when it is obvious he doesnt return the feeling. For the remainder of the training camp, he hides his labored breathing and the coughing fits.
Training camp passes and Atsumu does not have too much difficulty hiding his predicament. He does his best to not let his struggle to inhale and his wet coughs get noticed by anyone. If someone (Osamu) realises he has Hanahaki Disease, they will make him get the surgery to remove the flower, and that is the last thing he wants.
Atsumu actually thought it over it meticulously; how to deal with the flower growing in his lungs. Ideally, Sakusa would return his romantic feelings and they would live happily ever after, the disease would be gone and they would be dating. Unfortunately, it wasn't looking like things were going to turn out that way.
Which leaves Atsumu with two options, get the surgery to remove the daffodil from his lungs and lose his ability to love along with it, or succumb to the disease and let it suffocate him.
And Atsumu being the romantic he is, he would much rather die than lose his capacity for love (not to be dramatic).
So he continues to hide his predicament, even as the days go on and his coughing gets more violents and his throat becomes more raw. He can still play volleyball and he was still able to love people, and that was all that matters. And everyone is none the wiser to what is actually happening.
That is until nationals.
At this point, he had been dealing with Hanahaki for about a month. And the symptoms had only been getting worse. Atsumu wasn't sure he would be able to make it through the tournament, but for lack of a viable excuse that wouldn't reveal his sickness, he played.
It happens during their second set with Karasuno. Atsumu sets the ball to Aran, and when Aran makes the point, their team cheers in celebration. Atsumu finds himself absentmindedly scanning the gym, and that is when he sees him.
Sakusa, walking towards the gym's exit, having just finished his game, in all his glory.
Maybe that is what causes Atsumu to begin suffocating on flowers forcing their way from his lungs. It had been awhile since he had last seen Sakusa and seeing the object of his affections again after so long must have triggered something inside of him.
Atsumu collapses to the floor, holding his throat at bloodied petals and whole daffodils emerge from his mouth and into the gym floor, gasping for breaths when he can.
Everyone stares in shock, unsure whether to approach or keep their distance. Everyone, that is, except Osamu.
“You idiot! I knew you've been actin’ weird the past few weeks!” Osamu yelled at him, contrasting the comforting hand that was rubbing circles into Atsumu’s back. “Yer getting the surgery, now!”
Atsumu winces, before gasping out, “No, no surgery.”
“Well then are ya confessing? Because it looks like ya dont have much time left.”
Atsumu is about to respond, but is cut off by even more daffodils making their way from his lungs. It's too much, he can't breathe around all the flowers and the petals and the blood.
Before he knows it, Atsumu loses consciousness and everything turns black.
The harsh white lightning and a beeping next to him is what wakes Atsumu up. As he cracks his eyes open and takes a look around the room, Atsumu realizes he is in a hospital, laying in a stiff hospital bed, having a suspiciously easy time breathing.
The surgery. He got the fucking surgery.
He looks to his left where Osamu is fast asleep in a chair next to his bed. That jerk, giving him the surgery while he was passed out. Atsumu was pissed.
He wants to cry. Have a good ole cry, let out some of the pent up emotions he has been holding in the past few weeks. But Atsumu can’t bring himself to do it, to let tears fall from his eyes. He feels empty, a shell of what he used to be. And he hated it.
six years later
Why MSBY?
Of all of the V League teams he could have chosen to sign with, why did he have to choose MSBY?
Atsumu is focusing on his fingers intently, avoiding eye contact as his coach introduces Sakusa Kiyoomi to the team as their new outside hitter.
Even though he can't remember what it had felt like to be in love with Sakusa all of those years ago, Atsumu can remember all of the pain and suffering he had gone through. The struggle to breath, the coughing fits, the sore throats, all of the misery.
And while it isn't necessarily Sakusa’s fault that all of that happened, Atsumu somewhat resents him for it. Which is ridiculous, it is not as though he can choose who he loves and doesn't love. But when Atsumu thinks of the fact that Sakusa and Ushijima never even got together, he feels pathetic. All of that suffering, putting his own feelings aside so that Sakusa could have his own chance at happiness, and for nothing? It makes Atsumu quite upset.
But despite his internal turmoil, Atsumu doesn't want to make Sakusa feel guilty over anything (not that he knew what he had done). So he tries his best to be civil with and befriend the man. He helps him practice his receives, he gives him thumbs ups after a good spike, and teases him lightheartedly.
And things are great; Atsumu might even consider them friends. Things are going great, that is until…
“Atsumu, I have feelings for you.”
He freezes.
Sakusa and him were the last ones in the locker room, getting ready to grab some lunch after morning practice.
And then Sakusa had to fucking confess to liking him. Man, the universe really does hate him.
Atsumu turns around to face Sakusa, a sad smile on his face. “I’m afraid you’re too late, Omi.”
Sakusa cocks his head. “Wait, are you dating someone?”
Atsumu looks at the wall behind Sakusa, the other man's gaze too strong to hold. “Daffodils. Did you know that daffodils are symbolic of broken love?”
Sakusa seems confused by this answer, not saying anything for a moment as if trying to process Atsumu’s words. But Atsumu knows he understands when the perplexed expression on Sakusa’s face turns to one of terror. “You’re joking.” He asks, all though it is more of a statement.
“Not joking.” Atsumu confirms.
Sakusa takes a shuddered breath. “So you had Hanahaki? And let me guess, you got the surgery too? Who was it?”
Atsumu doesn’t answer, however his lack of an answer tells Sakusa everything he needs to know.
“Was it me?”
Atsumu doesn’t respond again, going back to putting his things away in his locker and packing his backpack. He would rather be anywhere else in the world right now besides this locker room, having this conversation with Sakusa.
As he is stuffing his workout clothes in his locker, a hand hits the locker next to his face, and when he turns around, Sakusa is looming over him. The man grabs a fistful of Atsumu’s shirt and tugs on it.
“When? Why wouldn’t you tell me?” Sakusa growls, voice thick with emotion.
The most Atsumu can offer is a sympathetic smile. “Ushijima. You loved him, and I could never be him.”
Sakusa’s stares at him with wide-eyes. They remain like that for what feels like hours, until Sakusa is shrinking away and bowing his head as he hurriedly packs his things and makes way for the locker room door.
“Hey, Omi?” Atsumu finds himself calling out.
Sakusa stps his strides and his head snaps up, however he doesnt turn around.
Atsumu wants to tell Sakusa he returns his feelings. He wants to be able to love the man before him unconditionally. He wants to be with him so badly it hurts.
“I'm sorry.”
But he can't.
A week later, Sakusa coughs up white edelweiss petals in the middle of practice. And while his teammates are wondering who Sakusa could possibly be in love with, Atsumu remains silent.