Chapter Text
Year 2030
“Kids, I’m gonna tell you an incredible story; the story of how I met your father” Robb said and the kids looked at him confused.
“Are we being punished for something?” Eoin asked.
“No”
“Is this gonna take a while?” Aarin complained.
“Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad I had this whole other life” Robb started and the kids slouched back.
“It was way back in 2005. I was twenty-seven, just starting to make it as an architect and living in New York with Jon. My life was good. And then Uncle Jon went and screwed the whole thing up”
2005
“Will you marry me?” Jon opened the ring box.
“Yes. Perfect! And then you’re engaged. You pop the champagne. You drink a toast. You have sex on the kitchen floor. Don’t have sex on our kitchen floor” Robb said, instantly regretting giving him the idea.
“Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Robb” Jon thanked him as he grabbed two beers and handed one to Robb
“Dude, are you kidding? It’s you and Ygritte. I’ve been there for all the big moments of you and Ygritte: night you met, your first date, other first things” Robb winced at that particular memory and took a large sip from his beer while Jon laughed sheepishly.
“Yeah, sorry. We thought you were asleep”
“It’s physics, Jon. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves, too,” They both took another sip of their beers before Robb spoke again, “My god. You’re getting engaged tonight”
“Yeah. What’re you doing tonight?”
What was I doing? Here Uncle Jon was taking the biggest step of his life. And me? I’m calling up your Uncle Loras
“Hey so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asian guys?” Was the first thing Loras said when he picked up the phone later that day and Robb put his head in his hand, “Well, now I’ve got a new favorite-- Lebanese guys. Lebanese guys are the new half-Asains”
“Hey, want to do something tonight?” Robb decided to just ignore what Loras had said, it was always the best course of action.
“Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes. And suit up!” Loras exclaimed before hanging up.
When robb walked into the bar he was not wearing a suit.
“Hey” He greeted Loras.
“Where’s your suit? Just once, when I say suit up, I wish you’d put on a suit” Loras said incredulously.
“I did, that one time”
“It was a blazer!”
“You know ever since college it’s been Jon and Ygritte and me. Now, it’s gonna be Jon and Ygritte, and me. They’ll get married, start a family. Before long, I’m that weird, middle-aged bachelor their kids call Uncle Robb” Robb complained and Loras slapped him upside the head.
“First thing, Jon is your cousin, his kids would be your cousins, you’re literally related to them. And second, I see what this is about. Have you forgotten what I said to you the night we met?”
*Flashback*
“Robb, I’m gonna teach you how to live” A strange blonde man said as he slid into a booth next to Robb and put an arm around him. He continued when Robb looked at him confused, “Loras. We met at the urinal”
“Oh right. Right” Robb nodded, still confused.
“Lesson one: lose the beard, it doesn’t go with your suit”
“I’m not wearing a suit”
“Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A” The man gestured at his suit, “Lesson three: don’t even think about getting married till you’re thirty”
*End of flashback*
“Thirty. Right. You’re right. I guess it’s just, your best friend gets engaged, you start thinking about that stuff” Robb sighed.
“I thought I was your best friend. Robb, say I’m your best friend”
“You’re my best friend, Loras”
“Good. Then as your best friend, I say we play a little game I like to call ‘Haaave you met Robb?’” Loras said, already starting to look around.
“No, no, no. We’re not playing ‘Have you met Robb?’” Robb tried to stop Loras but it was too late.
“Hi, have you met Robb?” Loras asked the guy sitting at the bar next to him.
“Hi, I’m Robb”
“Rida”
“That’s a very nice name”
“Thanks. It’s Lebanese”
Meanwhile in the apartment Ygritte had just arrived.
“Hey!” Jon greeted her, walking out of the kitchen.
“I’m exhausted. It was finger-painting day at school and a five year-old boy got to second base with me” Ygritte pulled off her leather jacket to reveal a purple handprint right breast, “Wow! You’re cooking?”
“Yes, I am”
“Aw,” Ygritte walked over to kiss Jon, “Are you sure that’s a good idea? After last time you looked really creepy without eyebrows”
“I can handle this. I think you’ll find I’m full of surprises tonight”
“So, there’s more surprises? Like what?”
Jon was in his second year of law school so he was pretty good at thinking on his feet.
“Boogedyboo!” Jon yelled waving his hands in front of her face, “And that’s all of ‘em. I’m gonna go cook now”
“I’m so happy for Jon, I really am. I just couldn’t imagine settling down right now” Robb said to Rida after they’d sat in a booth.
“So do you think you’ll ever get married?”
“Well, maybe eventually, some fall day, possibly in Central Park. Simple ceremony. We’ll write our own vows. Band, no DJ. People will dance! I’m not gonna worry about it! Damn it, why did Jon have to get engaged?” Robb dropped his head onto his hand before sitting back up, “Yeah, nothing hotter than a guy planning out his own imaginary wedding, huh?”
“Actually, I think it’s cute”
“Well, you’re clearly drunk. One more for the gentleman!” Robb held up Rida’s empty beer bottle.
“Oh, hey, look what I got” Jon jumped off the counter where he was watching Ygritte cook and pulled a bottle of champagne out of the fridge.
“Oh, honey! Champagne” She said and handed the bottle back to him.
“Yeah,” Jon said and handed the bottle back.
“No. You are too old to be scared to open a bottle of champagne”
“I’m not scared”
“Then open it” Ygritte goaded, holding out the bottle.
“Fine” Jon took the bottle, then passed it back, “Please open it?”
“You are unbelievable Jon”
There’s two big questions a man has to ask in life. One, you plan out for months. The other just slips out when you’re half drunk in some bar.
“Will you marry me?” Jon dropped down on one knee and opened the ring box.
“You wanna go out some time?” Robb asked.
“Of course, you idiot!” Ygritte tackled Jon to the ground in a hug.
“I’m sorry, Carl’s my boyfriend” Rida pointed to where the bartender was looking at them behind the bar.
“ ‘Sup Carl?” Rob waved awkwardly.
“I promised Robb we wouldn’t do that” Jon sighed happily as they both sat up on the kitchen floor.
“Did you know there’s a Pop Tart under your fridge?”
“No, but dibs. Where’s that champagne?” Jon asked as he reached up to the counter to grab it, “I wanna drink a toast, with my fiance”
“I’ll get glasses” Ygritte kissed him on the cheek before standing.
“I don’t know why I was so scared of this. It’s pretty easy right?” Jon popped the cork and Ygritte screamed.
“Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? This is crazy, I’m not ready to settle down” Robb asked Loras who, as usual, wasn’t listening.
“How does Carl land a Lebanese guy?”
“The plan has always been don’t even think about it until you’re thirty”
“Exactly. The guy doesn’t even own a suit”
“Plus, Jon’s found the love of his life. Even if I was ready, which I’m not, but if I was, it’s, like, ‘Okay, I’m ready. Where are they?’” Robb asked sarcastically before his eyes landed on a brunette on the other side of the bar. The guy was gorgeous.
And there he was. It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl from across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, “See that girl? I’m gonna marry her someday?”.
“Hey, Loras, see that guy?”
“Oh yeah. You just know he likes it dirty. Go say hi” Loras nudged him.
“I can’t just go say hi. I need a plan. I’m gonna wait till he goes to the bathroom, then I’ll strategically place myself by the jukebox” Robb didn’t notice Loras turning to the person that had just stood next to them at the bar.
“Hi, have you met Robb?” Robb turned when he heard Loras give the line and saw his friend walk away while the handsome brunette turned to him, evidently having crossed the bar when Robb was talking.
“Hi,” Robb said awkwardly.
“Let me guess, Robb?” The guy smirked and Robb nodded.
“Sorry, Ygritte. I’m so sorry” Jon apologised as they climbed into a cab, Ygritte holding an ice pack to her eye. He then turned to the cab driver, “Take us to the hospital”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa, did you hit her?” He asked and Jon and Ygritte laughed.
“Hit me? Please! This guy can barely even spank me in the bedroom for fun. He’s all like ‘Oh, honey. Did that hurt?’ And I’m like ‘Come on! Let me have it you pansy!’ Wow, a complete stranger” Ygritte said when she noticed what she had said.
“No, no, no, no! It’s okay. Go on. So, these spankings, you in pajamas or au naturel?” The drier asked as he started driving and Jon and Ygritte looked at each other.
“So what do you do?” Robb asked the guy.
“I’m a reporter for Metro News One”
“Oh”
“Well, kind of a reporter. I do those dumb little fluff pieces at the end of the news. You know, like, monkey who can play the ukulele. But I’m hoping to get some bigger stories soon”
“Bigger like a gorilla with an upright bass? Sorry. You’re really hot” Robb blushed and the brunette laughed before waving to a table where two girls and a guy were looking annoyed, “Oh, your friends don’t seem too happy”
“Yeah, see, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend so tonight, every guy is ‘the enemy’ except me and Jamie over there”
“You know, if it’ll make your friend feel better you could throw a drink in my face. I don’t mind” Robb offered.
“She would love that! And it does look fun in the movies”
“Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night?”
“Oh, I can't. I'm going to Orlando for a week on Friday. Some guy’s attempting to make the world’s biggest pancake. Guess who’s covering it?”
“That’s gonna take a week?”
“Yeah, he’s gonna eat it too. It’s another record”
“Hey! What’s taking so long?!” One of the man’s friends called.
“I know this is a long shot but, how bout tomorrow night?” Robb tried.
“Yeah. What the hell?” The guy agreed and clandestinely slid a business card over to him on the bar before picking up his drink, “Jerk!” He shouted as he threw the liquid in Robb’s face, smirked, and started to walk away, “That was fun”
“De… wait for it…” Loras said as he walked back over laughing, “nied! Denied!”
“We’re goin’ out tomorrow night” Robb held up the card with a smirk.
“I thought we were playing laser tag tomorrow night” Loras pouted.
“Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag” Robb said as he wiped his face.
The next night I took him to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
“Wow. That is one badass blue French horn” He said and Robb turned to look at the french horn hanging on the wall.
“Yeah. Sort of looks like a smurf penis”
Piece of advice: when you go on a first date, you really don’t wanna say “smurf penis”. People don’t ordinarily like that.
The brunette choked on his drink when he laughed.
But this was no ordinary guy.
“Ygritte?” Jon said when he and Ygritte were sitting on the couch, Ygritte with a patch over her left eye, and Ygritte jumped in her seat.
“How long have you been sitting there? Stupid eye patch”
“Mom, Dad, I’ve found the future Mrs. Robb Stark” Robb announced, dramatically entering the apartment, “Jon, how have I always described my perfect person?”
“Let’s see, likes dogs?”
“I’ve got five dogs,” His date said.
“Drinks scotch?”
“I love scotch that’s old enough to order it’s own scotch”
“Can quote obscure lines from Ghostbusters?”
“Ray! When someone asks you if you’re a god, you say ‘Yes!’”
“And I’m saving the best for last”
“Do you want these? I hate olives” He said, holding a plate of olives towards Robb.
“She hates olives! Awesome!” Jon cheered.
“The olive theory” Ygritte wrapped an arm around Jon.
“The olive theory is based on my friends Jon and Ygritte. He hates olives, she loves them. In a weird way, that’s what makes them such a great couple. Perfect balance” Robb explained to his date as ate one of the olives.
“You know, I’ve had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever”
“I could take them off your hands”
“They’re all yours”
“Oh it is on!” Jon yelled before starting to sing, “It is on till the break of dawn”
“But wait,” Ygritte interrupted, “It’s only the break of 10:30, what happened?”
“I’ve gotta get one of those blue french horns for over my fireplace,” His date said as Robb walked him back to his apartment, “It’s gotta be blue. It’s gotta be French”
“No green clarinet?”
“Nope”
“Come on, no purple tuba?” Robb asked as they got to the steps of the brunette’s building.
“It’s a smurf penis or no dice” He said and they both laughed.
“There you are!” A woman yelled as she pulled up in a news van, “We got a jumper. Some crazy guy on the Manhattan Bridge. Come on, you’re covering it!”
“Um, alright I’ll be right there” Robb’s date said before turning to him, “I’m sorry I had a really great time tonight”
“Yeah”
“So?! Did you kiss him?” Jon asked excitedly.
“No. The moment wasn’t right. Look, this guy could actually be my future husband. I want our first kiss to be amazing”
“Aw, Robb, that is so sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch”
“What? I didn’t chicken out. You know what? I don’t need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn’t been single since the first week of college”
“Anyone who is single would tell you the same thing, even the dumbest single person alive. And if you don’t believe me, call him”
“Hey, loser. How’s not playing laser tag?” Loras asked when Robb called him, “Because playing laser tag is awesome! Oh, I killed you Connor! Don’t make me get your mom!”
“Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something”
“Okay, meet me in the bar in fifteen minutes. And suit up!”
“So, these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?” Robb asked when they were all sitting in the bar and he’d told Loras the whole story.
“I can’t believe you’re still not wearing a suit” Loras exclaimed indignantly.
“He didn’t even give me the signal”
“What, is he gonna, he gonna bat his eyes at you in morse code? ‘Robb’” Loras started blinking in morse code, “‘kiss me’ No! You just kiss him!”
“Not if you don’t get the signal” Robb insisted and Loras rolled his eyes. He looked around a second before grabbing Jon’s face and kissing him.
“Did Jon give me the signal?”
“No!” Jon yelled and turned to Ygritte, “I didn’t. I swear”
“But at least tonight I get to sleep knowing Jon and me, never gonna happen. You shoulda kissed him”
“I should’ve kissed him,” Robb sighed, “Well, maybe in a week when he gets back from Orlando”
“A week? That’s like a year in hot guy time. He’ll forget all about you. Mark my words-- you will never see that one again” Loras said but Robb’s eyes had moved to the tv.
“There he is” He said and everyone turned to where the guy was on tv.
“Ooh! He’s cute” Ygritte nudged Robb, “Hey, Carl, turn it up”
“...persuaded him to reconsider. At which point, the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending. Reporting from Metro One News…”
“Huh, guy didn’t jump” Jon turned back to face the group.
“I’m gonna go kiss him. Right now” Robb stood up.
“Look, dude. It’s midnight. As your future lawyer, I’m gonna advise you that’s freakin’ crazy” Jon tried to dissuade him.
“I never do anything crazy. I’m always waiting for the moment, planning the moment. Well, he’s leaving tomorrow. This may be the only moment I’m going to get. I gotta do what that guy couldn’t. I gotta take the leap!” Robb paused a moment, “Okay, not a perfect metaphor, ‘cause for me it’s fall in love and get married, and for him it’s...death”
“Actually, that is a perfect metaphor,” Loras nodded before turning to Jon and Ygritte, “By the way, did I congratulate you two?”
“I’m doing this” Robb started to leave and the group quickly gathered their things.
“Let’s go” Ygritte grabbed Jon’s hand and followed Robb, “We’re coming with you”
“Loras?” Robb asked.
“All right, but under one condition”
“Look at you, you beautiful bastard” Loras grinned as he looked at Robb in a suit while they rode in a cab to the guy’s place, “You suited up! This is totally going on my blog!”
“Stop the car. Pull over right here” Robb instructed the driver, “I gotta do something” He said before jumping out of the car.
“Excuse me! Pardon me!” He apologized as he ran through the restaurant and climbed onto a table, “Just a sec, enjoy your coffee”
“Hey! Hey!” One of the waiters yelled as Robb ran out of the building with the blue french horn.
“Go! Go! Go!” He yelled as he got back in the car and the driver pulled away. Everyone looked at the horn, “Everybody brings flowers”
“Okay. Moment of truth. Wish me luck” Robb said when they arrived.
“Robb’s gonna get it on with a tv reporter. ‘This just in’ Okay” Loras grinned and held up his hand for a high five but dropped it when no one high fived him.
“Kiss him Robb!” Ygritte exclaimed, “Kiss him good!”
“Kiss the crap out of that guy!” Jon joined in.
“Jon, remember this night. When you’re the best man at our wedding, and you give a speech, you’re gonna tell this story” Robb said before opening the car door.
“Why does he get to be the best man?” Loras complasked as Robb got out, “I’m your best friend!”
As I walked up to that door, a million thoughts raced through my head. Unfortunately one particular thought did not.
As soon as Robb pressed the buzzer dogs started barking. Robb panicked and started running back to the car.
“No!” Ygritte yelled.
“Get back in there!” Jon ordered.
“You’re wearing a suit!” Loras joined in, so Robb walked back to the door.
“Robb?” A voice called from a window above and Robb looked up.
“Hi” Robb greeted, “I was just, uh” He held up the french horn.
“Come on up” The brunette smiled.
“He’s in” Jon smiled.
“So, Ranjit, you ever done it with a Lebanese guy?” Loras asked the driver.
“Okay, that’s my Loras limit. I’m gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom” Ygritte said before climbing over Jon to get out of the cab.
“Actually, I’m from Bangladesh,” Ranjit answered.
“The guys hot there?”
“I’m a guy from there”
“A simple no would have sufficed” Loras whispered to Jon before turning back to the driver, “You’re very handsome”
“So, Robb, what brings you back to Brooklyn at one in the morning in a suit?”
“I was just hoping to...get those olives..that you said I could have”
“Would you like those olives with gin and vermouth?”
“Are you trying to get me drunk?” Robb smirked and the brunette walked closer, pressing a button on his stereo.
“For starters” He winked before stepping back and walking to the kitchen while slow music started playing.
“So, Jon, this olive theory based on you and Ygritte?” Loras asked.
“Yeah”
“You hate olives. Ygritte loves ‘em. You can’t stand ‘em”
“Yeah. Hate olives”
“Two weeks ago, Spanish bar on 79th street, dish of olives, you had some-- what up?” Jon looked around guiltily.
“You have to swear that this does not leave this cab”
“I swear,” Loras promised.
“I swear,” Ranjit promised.
“On our first date, I ordered a Greek salad. Ygritte asked if she could have my olives. I said, ‘sure, I hate olives’”
“But you like olives”
“Well, I was 18, okay? I was a virgin. Been waiting my whole life for a girl to want my olives”
“Jon, I’m gonna give you an early wedding present. Don’t get married”
Robb and the brunette slow danced to the music while his dogs sat around.
“I think I like your olive theory”
“I think I like your new french horn”
“I think I like your nose” their faces were getting closer.
“I think I’m in love with you”
“What?!” His friends yelled when he told them the story at the bar.
“What?!” The twins yelled when he told them the story in the future.
“What?” The brunette asked.
“Come on man, you said your stomach’s been hurting, right? You know what that is. Hunger. You’re hungry for experience. Hungry for something new. Hungry for olives. But you’re too scared to do anything about it” Loras said.
“Yeah, I’m scared, okay? But, when I think of spending the rest of my life with Ygritte-- committing, forever, no other women-- doesn’t scare me at all” Jon said unaware that Ygritte was standing outside the car next to him, “I’m marrying that girl,” Ygritte wrapped her arms around him through the window and he turned to her, “Ygritte. Ygritte, I like olives”
“We’ll make it work” Ygritte kissed him.
Robb and the brunette sat on the couch in awkward silence for a while.
“So, Orlando. You gonna hit Disneyworld?” Robb tried to lighten the situation.
“You love me?!”
“I-I-I can’t believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that? I should just go” Robb blushed immensely and stood up.
“Hold on. Wait a minute,” The brunette stood to and grabbed the olives, “Promised you these”
“Olives. Thanks. I love you. What is wrong with me?!”
“Why are we still sitting here? Let’s go. We can still make last call. What’d you say, Ygritte? Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum?” Loras joked, “Cause you’re a pirate”
“Okay, eye patch, gone” Ygritte pulled off the patch, “And we can’t just abandon Robb. If it doesn’t go well up there, he’s gonna need some support”
“It’s been, like, 20 minutes. You think they’re doin’ it?” Jon asked Loras.
“You think they’re doin’ it in front or the dogs?”
“Doggy style” They both laughed.
“Hey, there was a guy in college, he had this golden retriever”
“Okay, we can go to the bar. Just stop talking” Ygritte interrupted.
“Hit it, Ranjit!” Loras instructed and the cab drove away. Right before Robb came out of the apartment with the brunette.
“So, when you tell your friends, can you avoid the word ‘psycho’? I’d prefer…’eccentric’”
“Good night… psycho” The brunette said and Robb pretended to be wounded before he walked down the stairs.
“Great” He said when he saw the cab was gone and turned back to the door, “How do I get to the F train?”
“Oh, um, two blocks that way and take a right” The guy answered and Robb started to walk away.
“You know what. I’m done being single. I’m not good at it. Look, obviously, you can’t tell a person you just met you love them. But, it sucks that you can’t. I’ll tell you something, though. If a person-- not you, just some hypothetical person-- were to bear with me through all this, I think I’d make a damn good husband. Because that’s the stuff I’d be good at, stuff like making them laugh and being a good father. And walking their five hypothetical dogs,” The brunette smiled, “Being a good kisser”
“Everyone thinks they’re a good kisser”
“Oh, I’ve got references”
“Good night, Robb” The brunette said and Robb held out his hand which he took.
“And I’m a good handshaker”
“That’s a pretty good handshake”
“And that was it I’ll probably never see him again” Robb sighed after recounting the night to his friends at the bar and they shook their heads, “What?”
“That was the signal!” Jon exclaimed.
“That long, lingering handshake? You should have kissed him” Ygritte agreed.
“There’s no such thing as the signal” Loras reiterated his stance from earlier, “But, yeah, that was the signal”
“Signal” Ranjit nodded.
“Ah, Carl, thank you” Jon thanked the bartender as he brought over a bottle of champagne and glasses, “There’s something I gotta do”
“By the way, you should’ve kissed him” Carl said to Robb before walking away.
“Carl! You guys weren’t even there” Robb turned back to his friends as Jon popped the cork out of the bottle.
“I am so turned on right now” Ygritte ran a hand down Jons arm as he poured.
“Guys, trust me. I’ve seen the signal. That was not the signal”
“Yeah, Robb, we’re not on you anymore” Loras said and picked up a glass of champagne.
“To my fiance” Jon raised his glass.
“To the future” Ygritte raised hers.
“To one hell of a night!” Ranjit said and they all cheersed.
“That was not the signal,” Robb said again.
I asked him about it years later. And, yeah, that was the signal. I could have kissed him. But that’s the funny thing about destiny. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean, I never thought I’d see that guy again, but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming.
Year 2030
“Because that, kids, is the true story of how I met your Uncle Renly” Robb finished and the kids’ smiles dropped.
“Uncle Renly?” Eoin asked confused.
“I thought this was how you met Papa!” Aarin exclaimed.
“Will you relax? I’m getting to it. Like I said, it’s a long story”