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He doesn't really care.
Well.
That's what he says to get Effy off his back.
Effy nods and hmms and reminds him not to give up just yet.
He can tell that his lies are obvious to her.
But he doesn't really care, not in the moment. His thoughts are so focused on putting one foot in front of the other that it's almost impossible for him to think about his best-friend-since-they-were-seven Sid fucking Mich...no, no, no! Positive thoughts, remember?
Some guy's dancing with Effy, limbs wrapped round her like an octopus. She begins to pry him off as soon as she sees him staring, but he shakes his head and stretches his hand out to signal that it was okay. She mirrors the signal and then mouths "Thirty minutes.". He nods and she smiles. The guy continues to suction himself to her, and at that point he looks away, almost disgusted. Picked a right one there, Eff.
He can see Cassie's unkempt head bobbing about in the sea of people, like a familiar lifebuoy on an unruly ocean. Momentarily glancing at the last place he saw his sister, he loses sight of Cassie, feeling his stomach drop a little at the last recognizable figure vanishing from his sight.
It feels different now, since the accident. Before, a night out consisted of pills washed down with unhealthy amounts of vodka, a quick puff of a spliff outside in the spitting rain and then maybe another pill, if he felt like it. Stumbling home, laughing and arms linked, clutching Sid's hat as he threw up miserably into the dirty gutters.
Now, a night out consists of...well, he doesn't really know. This is his first one, and if it's anything to go by, he may never leave his house again. He can't see Effy, but he knows that she would never leave him for long so he leans heavily against the railing, resigning himself to a boring thirty minutes as he waits for some prick to finish fucking his little sister.
He has an inkling of familiar company. He knows where Michelle and Sid are, together, rubbing it in his face. Anwar left a little while ago with that Welsh girl, quickly 'borrowing' a condom from Chris before he disappeared. Come to think of it, Chris had vanished too, even though he had told him that he could count on him to be there at all times. So much for that. Jal was...where was Jal? Maybe he'd overdone it a bit on the drink.
He doesn't like it, despite his initial reassurance to Effy. It feels weird. It hurts. Flashing lights, heaving crowds, heaving stomach. He puts his hands out on the rail in front of him, just to subtly steady himself.
"God, you're only three drinks in. Don't tell me you've given up already?"
He knows that voice, though the sarcastic remark doesn't fit it.
"You know me, Cass. Total lightweight." He jokes back, but it comes out more apathetic than he intended.
Cassie looks different nowadays. Even though nothing about her's changed. She still has those big eyes, that dreamy expression, the body that's far, far too thin. The curly blond hair that comes out in handfuls whenever the wind blows too strongly, the jumpy manner that sometimes gives the impression that she isn't quite all there. Though she is. She's the most all there person he knows, funnily enough. No, theres nothing different about Cassie, even though she hardly seems like the old one.
The crowd surges and Cassie presses again his arm. He is the one to flinch, not her, when his elbow digs painfully deep into her side. He can almost feel her ribcage. He glances down at her, but she doesn't seem to care.
"Come on. I've had enough of these wankers for the time being." She mutters the last part, and looks surprised when he laughs. "You heard me. Good." She grins up at him, and he forces himself to return her fragile smile. It's not that he doesn't want to, because he does. He likes Cassie, and in a way, she feels like the only person who can understand him because at this moment all he can think of wanting is to be happy. But he can't genuinely return her smile, because he doesn't ever smile for real anymore. It hurts just a little bit more than he can bear. He watches as Cassie grabs his hand and begins to weave them through the crowd. His finger and thumb, he notices, could easily circle her wrist. Her fingers are bony, her nails are bitten and very soft as they dig gently into his hand. Even her hand is an indication of her illness. He feels at fault for that, and gently squeezes her palm as a way to subdue his sudden overwhelming guilt.
Outside is slightly more private, mostly littered with giggling underage girls and dirty old creeps in grimy raincoats. He pulls Cassie to his side, just by instinct really, casually flipping off a guy walking past as he glances at her through his smeary specs. Cassie smiles at him, simpering sarcastically.
"Are you gonna protect me, Tony?"
"You know it. Stick with me, Cass. I swear the next bastard to even look at you won't live to regret it." He jokingly puts his hands together and imitates cocking a gun.
"Why?" She asks, suddenly intrigued by the puddles pooling in the dips of the sodden concrete.
"Why what? You shouldn't have to put up with creeps staring you down everytime you're on a night out." He answers, confused at her question.
"No, no, I mean why bother? For me, I mean. What have I ever done for you, Tone?" She asks, a tinge of regret in her voice.
"Well...you always smiled dead pretty. That a good enough reason for you?"
She smiles now, nodding and he grins back at her. For real, he notices.
Its cold outside, and they huddle together as they share a spliff. Cassie toes at the ground with the tip of her boot, clearly trying to avoid standing in the disgusting gutters. He motions towards the door, but she shakes her head and looks up to the sky. He extends an arm round her shoulders and squeezes her arm. God, she's so thin.
Inside again, she offers him a pill and another drink. He wants to accept, but a small part of him worries that if Cassie is messing about with pills and vodka, even in moderation, he shouldn't be high off his tits. He declines, just happy with the drink.
He likes Cassie a lot more than he thought he did. He likes spending time with her, talking with her, dancing with her. At this moment he feels closer to her than anyone in his life, even Effy. She grins, leaning closer to his ear.
"Do you love me, Tony?" She shouts, straining to be heard above the blaring music.
He considers for a minute. He thinks he does love Cassie, because she's sweet and funny and she's there when no one else is. Yes, he thinks he definitely does love Cassie.
"Sure I do, Cass. You know I do." He answers, raising his voice so she can hear him.
"Good. Great. Wow." She replies, grabbing his hand and pulling him quickly from the dance floor.
She picks her way through the mass of people, dragging him behind her. Up the stairs, into the back room, and then against the wall, kissing him impatiently.
He kisses her back for a moment, because she feels so real and underneath it all he knows that he does love Cassie and they've both had a drink so what's the difference really? He kisses her back, his hands tangling her hair, stroking her face, travelling down to her waist and settling on her bony hips. He lifts her gently, into his arms, deepening the kiss. He loves Cass, he does, and she’s gorgeous, and she actually wants him, and he can’t lie to himself that he doesn’t want her. But then he thinks of Chelle, how his stomach twisted in agony when he saw her with Sid. He can’t do this. He gently lowers her to the floor, breaking the kiss, and shakes his head, and she flops to the side of him and slides her back down the wall until she's sitting hunched up on the floor even though there's chairs and pillows across the other side of the rooms. He slides too until he's sitting next to her, knees to his chest because he needs to hold something and he's scared that if he holds her she'll snap straight in half.
He puts an arm round her, hugging her as tightly as he can without hurting her, and kisses her hair because he really does love her, but just not in the same way, or enough, as he loves Michelle. She feels too frail, too fragile in his arms, and his hand against her elbow looks almost triple the size in comparison.
"Have you stopped eating again, Cassie?" He asks, hoping she can see the genuine concern and not misread it as a prying question.
"What's it to you, Anthony?" She asks, playing with his fingers while staring intently at the wall.
"Because you're my friend, Cassandra." He emphasizes her name and she smiles, smiles at him like he's the only thing that she's go left.
"That's really lovely, Tony. I like being your friend."
"Really? You don't want to hide our newfound friendship?"
"Well, the broken cock was a bit of a deal breaker, but since we aren't gonna fuck it's not that big of a problem anymore."
He rolls his eyes and lightly punches her knee, almost immediately worrying about leaving a bruise on the pale skin of her leg.
"Didn't know you'd been speaking to Chelle." He muttered.
He feels her tense in his arms.
"I haven't. Jal told me."
"Oh bollocks. At this rate my broken cock will be famous throughout the female population."
"Don't get your hopes up, Stonem."
She rests her head on his shoulder and she finds his hand in the darkness of the room. She clings to it, and he clutches it back, holding onto her because he hasn't got anything else but he especially doesn't want to lose her. He feels his phone buzz in his pocket.
OUTSIDE. READY TO GO? EFFY X
The light of the phone illuminates his face in the dark, causing Cassie to look at him.
"Is that your sister? Etty?"
He knows for a fact that Cassie knows what her name is, but he nods.
"Yeah. I don't have to go. I can stay a bit longer, if you want."
She shakes her head, curls brushing his face.
"No, it's fine. I should be going home too."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. Come on. Don't want to keep Ellie waiting."
He rolls his eyes and she laughs, getting to her feet and hauling him up. He grabs her hand this time, opening the door for her and walking behind her. They weave again through the crowd, as loud and raucous as ever. They escape out into the open, giggling and gasping and stumbling onto the uneven cobbles. He hugs her tightly, trying not to notice her shoulder blades digging into his forearm.
"Love you, Cass."
"That's lovely, Tony. Anyway. Goodnight." She says shortly, grinning at him and turning on her heel.
He watches as she stalks off into the darkness, waving back to her as she flutters her fingers before disappearing round a corner. He turns to see Effy leaning against the wall under a blaring streetlight, spliff in hand.
"Had a good night, then?" She asks, offering him a puff.
"Yeah. Yeah, it was alright. How about you?"
"Bit shit if I'm honest. Come on, let's go."