Work Text:
You’re just kind. Something everyone can be. You’re not pretty enough--for her, not outstanding--not for her. You know you have bad fashion taste, and you don’t have that grace that people would adore. You also don’t have the good sense of humor that most people would like. You’re just kind, that’s what you’re sure of. And that’s not a big word to answer the question,
Are you worth dating?
It’s a funny game from your officemates. It started on an article they’ve read, and how everyone started to ponder upon it, joking about their answers and bickering one another before the lunch ended.
“Hey, at least I’m taller than you.”
“But I have bigger boobs. I’m pretty sure men would like that.”
“How about you, Nayeon?”
You try to act indifferent and join the humble bragging game. “I don’t know. I’ll go ask my partner tonight why she keeps on dating me.”
They all laugh. And you do, too. Because clearly, you don’t know why Mina’s still dating you.
***
You're patient. A little more than the rest. But everyone would probably be. Especially if it's because of her. Mina’s just...so beautiful, and falling in love with her makes it easy despite her poisonous words. Everyone would be because they know how worth it is to be with her.
Who wouldn't, right?
That's why when you see her looking at the same pictures of Japan--the place where her past and she used to visit often, you just smile at her and pretend you know nothing.
Sometimes you would ask her about the pictures, but most of the time you'd just go straight to your room and wait. You'll do it slowly, taking your time to talk to yourself and put yourself together. You knew she loves her so much. The first time you saw her looking at it, you thought it was a surprise for you, though she has finally made the courage to make something and ask you to travel there. But being the straight-forward Mina is, she explained it nonchalantly.
"I had a lover before, and we used to visit here. I miss the place."
But your heart can also take so much, so you tried to throw those pictures before. You were holding it, envious of everything they shared and she caught you, red-handed, in front of the kitchen's trash bin.
She was carrying some takeout food for both of you.
She calmly put it on the table, not even worrying about what you're holding.
"Why don't you burn it to be sure? I did it before too, but I have a soft copy of it on my laptop. I can just stare at it, but having a printed copy looks prettier."
You remember the shame you felt, and you didn't know what to do, so you just stared at it and think of the memories Mina could have had with her. You try to swallow your ego and place it back on the table.
"Silly of me." You put your hands on your nape and close your eyes before faking a smile. It was silly. To think that throwing those pictures away will make her forget about the memories too.
You caught her looking at the same pictures again in your living room tonight. As usual, she's earlier than you and you're used to seeing her entering your apartment without your permission. She told you you're very easy to read, that's why she didn't have a hard time looking for the keys in your apartment--which is just below the welcome carpet. She's seated again in the living room, same spot, staring at the same set of pictures.
And it crossed a lot in your mind--to take a picture of her in that moment. On how she looks so calm and so full of emotions at the same time. It's like she's here, in your home, but she's also in another place. And you can't do anything about it but wait for her to return.
***
You always sit in the backseat. And you assume it has something to do with her and her past. You remember how excited you were when she finally said yes to your hundredth request of a date.
And you, eagerly, opened the door and sat beside her. You felt your face numbing from how wide your smile was, because it's your first date. And she even made an effort of waiting in your apartment.
You're actually inside her car, and you're unsure if you smile too brightly at her because she didn't seem comfortable having you around. You didn't dare to ask, but you wanted to, is it because you're too obvious? Or was it because she's regretting saying yes to you?
She twisted the keys and started the engine for a few seconds. And you could feel how annoyed she was about something. You look at her through the mirror, and you're sure, by the look in her face, that she's about to throw something at you.
Your smile faded quick upon realizing it, and you had the urge to say sorry at her, even if you didn't know what you did.
"Nayeon, I'm sorry. Could you… Could you move to the back seat? I'm not comfortable having someone beside me in my car."
"Oh." It made your heart ache a little, but you smile at her and immediately move out of the car.
At least she didn't hiss at you for something. You sigh loudly, before opening the door at the backseat and smiling at her when she gaze back at you.
"Don't forget your seatbelt."
Tonight is no different from the others. You sit at the back and she makes sure you have your seatbelt on before she starts the engine.
"Do have any plans for tonight?" Mina asks.
You nervously shake your head, because she was the one who asked you on a date this time. And you're too busy with work and too pressured on the thoughts that are lingering in your head.
"Would you like to watch a movie?" You try to ask her--even if you already know the answer. She doesn't like the dark, and she never fancied watching in a theater house. You wanted to know the reason why, but you partially know that it will have a connection again with her past. She looks at you through the mirror. And you wonder why she's taking some time to answer your question. You closely watch her eyebrows meeting, how she quirk up her lips and looks before she nods.
"Okay. But let's just do it in your apartment. I don't like going to the movie house."
***
You respect her so much.
No matter how hard it is tonight.
Her eager fingers move through your shirt, shaky, impatient, rushed...too rushed. And you try to fight a moan from your lips, hide it in the darkness as you close your eyes tightly and try not to get lost on her scent engulfing you.
She's taking you over. Movie completely forgotten and popcorn ignored as she pushed you in for a rough kiss. The way you feel how her lips stick to yours, how her hands touch every skin of yours makes you wonder. She has never kissed you like this. Hell, for the past 6 months, you only managed to give her two; one in the cheeks to congratulate her on her promotion, and the other one on her lips.
But it was careful, too afraid that you can't even remember how it feels like, so much it feels more of an accident, more of a mistake.
You feel her trembling lips move to your neck, her hot breath tickling your senses. You know what she'll do next. And before she starts to make a hickey on you, you try to push her away, create a reasonable distance and sigh loudly.
"Mina..."
"You don't like it?"
"N-no. I don't mean, it's just..."
Mina exhales loudly, her frustration clearly showing by the way her hands move to her hair. Her eyes revert back on the screen. You can see how she's trying to calm herself.
"It's weird. Don't you think?" You ask her.
"This?" She puts her hand on her forehead. "We're dating. Seriously, Nayeon? Christ, we're dating for 6 months. And this is weird for you?"
"I'm...just making sure."
"Sure about what?"
"I want to kiss you for a reason."
"I just want to kiss you. Isn't that enough?"
"Why?"
"What the hell is that question?" Mina is still not facing you and you turn your head to watch on the tv as well. The protagonist has finally made his partner say yes.
You watch as the two of them kiss in the rain together with a sappy music playing in the background.
"Why did you say yes to me?"
"Because I want to."
"That's it?"
"Yes."
You bitterly smile while you continue to watch the movie. Both of the characters exchange their sweet confessions of love. This is your favorite movie, but right now, you just want punch the two of them for throwing greasy, corny lines. And how you wish the two of you would be just like them.
***
It's been stuck in your head for weeks already. Everybody in the office had already moved on, but you're still there, trying to figure out if you are really worth dating Mina or basically, worthy of dating anyone. Of course, Mina wants to date you because she just wants to.
That's it. It's a pity, you thought there was something in you. You thought it was because you have something more than the boring qualities you know yourself. But she's always been clear and straightforward. And sometimes, it hurts because it's not what you're hoping for.
But you still care about it, hope for her to finally say something. You want to know if you have some effect to her. If she thinks about you at night before she sleeps. Or if you're the reason she can't sleep. You want to know if she gets excited whenever you send a text to her. You want to know if this will continue, if you have a chance to hear her say those three words for you.
But now, you kinda know what will happen, you're actually preparing for everything to fall into the right places. Maybe Mina dated you because, you're just there. Because she doesn't have anyone who's willing to. Or maybe she gave you a chance because you're persistent, or hard-headed--you're not sure anymore.
But, you're kinda sure, that one of these days, she will say the real words. She'll say it as simple as you can imagine, she'll say it's not working--that you're a good girl or something like that. That she appreciated all the efforts you did for her, but it's just not working, that's it. And you don't want to blame her about it. She might have taken advantage of you, but it will still be your fault, because you let her, you allow her to use and drain you.
In the end it's still you who's the stupid one.
"I'm excited about it. I love you too, bunch." You cringe when you hear your workmate calling over the phone. Despite not looking at her, you can imagine her smiling while listening to her lover on the other line.
You open your laptop and sigh as you see new unread e-mails in your inbox. It's gonna be another start of a heavy week for you, you think. It's Monday, a dreadful day. And you're already starting your day thinking about her.
It sucks. Because no matter how negative your thoughts are, you're still thinking about her. You feel that little pang in your stomach that makes you throw up and that pinching ache in your lungs that makes you a little teary--it sucks, because no matter how it hurts, it still makes your miss her.
Your workmate continues to flirt with her partner over the phone and you decided to put your headphones on and play the loudest music you can think.
The day will pass too, you convince yourself as you read the e-mails one by one.
***
I'll go watch the stars tonight on the rooftop. Are you joining me? - Mina
You will never understand her love for the stars. And you won't try to join her. No matter how you think it might be a romantic time for both of you. You tried it before, and you could still remember how happy she was under those twinkling lights. She kept on drowning you with terms and names of each of them. And you eagerly nodded at it, tried your best to remember everything. But it's still not enough.
"We used to go to libraries and planetariums. We would talk endlessly about it. And we would not get tired of talking about it. We would challenge one another on naming this star or that one, and by that time we won't notice that it's already 1 or 2 am."
She really looked happy and nostalgic while sharing that random story. And you realize that you're there, you're stepping at the world that you don't belong to. And those stars, those stars are the witness of the love story that you might never want to know. And might never replace too.
***
There comes a point of realization or a point of confrontation. A moment to make everything clear or at least, calm for a short of time. You've been preparing for it, waiting for her statement about the two of you, but you didn't expect it would be like this.
Mina introduced you as her girlfriend.
In front of your friend.
And you don't know why. All you know is that you're waiting for her in front of your office. And you suddenly saw your friend. She hugged you tightly and you missed her warm arms supporting you. She's the only one you've decided to share the story of your heart. And she's been trying to support and help you. She's far away from your place and seeing her randomly made your shoulders a little lighter from all the stress.
You were supposed to ask her why was she here. But instead you hear a voice behind you, and you see Mina smiling in front of you. You noticed the forced curve on her lips and that glare she has on your friend, so you let go of the hug and awkwardly smile.
"I haven't introduced you to my friend. This is Jeongyeon." You looked at Jeongyeon and tried to send her a mental signal that she was the one. The one that would make your phone calls last until midnight. That she's the one who keeps on breaking your heart everyday.
And that she's the one you've been dating.
Jeongyeon seemed to fail at this though, as she tried to put her arms on your shoulder and smiled at her proudly.
"Hi!" She offered her hand for a handshake. Mina’s face turned gloomy, but she accepted it, shaking it lightly before turning her face at you.
"I'm her girlfriend. Call me Mina."
"Wow. My friend's lucky to have you, Mina-sshi!" Jeongyeon smirked and winked at you.
"I think so." Mina smiled cheaply. And you watch as she offered her hand to you. "Anyway, we still have a date to catch up, Jeongyeon. It was nice meeting you."
Mina pulled your arm and you looked back at her, mouthing something close to sorry and we'll talk later, but Jeongyeon just laughed at you while waving her hand.
The two of you stand at the parking lot while Mina tries to open her car. You want to know why. You want to know what happened to her, or was she joking when she said that in front of Jeongyeon?
"Are we official?"
You hear the beep of the car and Mina opens the door. You also turn the door at the backseat but she stops you.
"Sit beside me?" You feel your ribcage shaking from those words. And you pause for a while before asking her.
"Are you sure?"
Mina avoids your stare for a moment, but nods.
You sit again at that side of the car, and it makes you nervous, because you can feel she is too. And she normally isn't like this.
"Nayeon," Mina starts. "I don't mean to hurt you."
You frown and try to look at her, because you don't know where she's heading at, and you're afraid that it might be your last date with her.
"I want to explain that I don't want you to sit here because my ex and I had a fight before and we crashed the car. We're both okay. But…still, it scared me." You nod at her, and you feel her hand holding yours.
"And you, I can tell that you're trying your best to show me your feelings. But I also want to be honest with you. I wasn't ready yet, but I also don't want to let you go because I know there is something."
Mina exhales slowly, her soft voice lulling your emotions out, you feel like melting in front of her.
"I'm sorry I had you waiting, Nayeon. I think I'm ready now."
You don't know what to say to her. You're too shocked and confused. You have alot of questions to her, but you're also too happy.
"Does that mean you're officially my girlfriend, now?" You try to confirm it to her. And she nods to you, her warm smile greeting you with a sweet affirmation.
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes, Nayeon."
"Yes!"
And you can feel every cell in your body rejoicing for that one word you've been waiting for.
***
She's decided to have a sleep over at your place tonight.
She's already lying in the bed, while you went to brush your teeth. When you came back, you saw her looking at a picture again.
You sigh slowly and face the other side of the bed before saying good night to her. It's been weeks after that moment, and you've been doing great with her. She's showing you the sides she has never showed you before. And you feel like dreaming every time she would do things that makes you feel so appreciated. There was no sign of her and her past, and she was willing to accept the differences you two have.
But seeing her looking at it again makes your heart sink. Maybe, you really won't be able to replace that someone no matter how hard you tried.
"Nayeonie..." She shakes your shoulder and you sigh as you face her.
Mina smiles at you, and you don't know if she's smiling too bright or too close because you're too stunned at her. She shows you the picture and you wonder why it's different from the usual one she used to hold.
"I called Jeongyeon," Mina whispers to your ear. "She told me you like that place..."
"Oh." You said as you hold the picture from her. It was a picture of a beach. And you're sure it's from a place you're familiar with.
Oh.
Mina moves on top of you, smile still obvious in her face and she starts nibbling on you neck, "Do you want to go with me?"
You can't help but smile at her, "Where?"
Mina pulls away from you. She smirks while she removes her top in front of you and you can't help but feel in awe when she reveals her naked body in front of you. "To your favorite place?"
"There?" Mina pulls your shirt too. And you stretch your arms to allow her to take it off. "But you told me you don't like beaches?"
Mina grins. Her excitement showing as she begins to roam her hands on your upper torso. "I don't." She leans closer and kisses you on the lips.
You feel your heart palpitating from the contact of your lips to hers and you feel her hands moving to your face, caressing it softly.
It's driving you crazy, the way she move her lips to taste you. Her soft careful hands moving to every inch of your body. Her naked body on top of you, pressing her own weight on you. Everything about her is driving you to the edge and you... damn love everything about her, and everything that she's doing to you.
"But I love seeing you smile." Mina whispers. her voice turned lower, and her dark eyes focused on you.
"You do?"
"Yes." Mina kisses your neck, "I also love making you scream my name."
***
It's her birthday today. And you bring her to her favorite restaurant. You're nervous about it, because you're about to give her a couple ring.
You're not sure if she would like it but, you've noticed the two of you don't have something sentimental to your relationship. You're nervous about it because you're not sure if you're too fast to give something like this. And you're not sure if she would accept it. You're not a good person when it comes to giving gifts so you asked Jeongyeon for help.
Jeongyeon joked about wrapping yourself in a gift or buying a dildo so you scratched her off the list. In the end, you bought s simple puzzle ring you saw while on your way home.
You think it was the perfect birthday gift for her. The idea of being complete whenever you're together was something you like. It was cheesy, but it really is something you want to tell her.
You excuse yourself and said you'll go to the comfort room.
And before you go back, you cue in the manager to bring the cake and a few staff to play a birthday song to her. The manager nods at you and you smile at him while you hold your gift inside your pocket. You walk back to your table and see Mina talking to someone else.
You can feel your heart tightening at the sight of it. It was her past lover. You know it from the pictures Mina has. You can confirm it by the way Mina’s face shows sorrow and longingness. You want to go back to the comfort room. Or somewhere you can't see or hear them. But your feet are glued on the ground. And you can't help yourself but watch the two of them hiss at one another.
"Don't ruin my night, Momo."
"I won't."
"Then leave."
"I can't." The other girl moves to sit across Mina and you can see how her expression shows she misses Mina too. "I need you back, Mina."
"Please." You've never hear Mina pleaded like this.
And it breaks your heart to see her in this state. You want to walk closer to them. Make her feel that you have Mina now, and that she's intruding your time together. But the way Mina looks at her--the pain it shows, makes you feel so broken. You don't know how you're holding it. But you can feel yourself slowly cracking, crumpling from everything in front of you.
"Is she great?" The girl asks as she looks at you. "Is she treating you well?"
"She's fucking better than you, Momo."
"Is she?" She smiles before standing up, like she had won something over. "She might be. But I know you still want me, Minari. I can feel it.
I'll wait for you."
She moves to kiss Mina in the cheek before grinning deviously at you. And you slowly watch as the staff starts playing and singing happy birthday to her. Momo smiles again at Mina, before whispering something and leaving the place.
You want to go back to her. To hold her and tell her it's okay, but you're breaking yourself and you don't know what to do about it. What the hell just happened? When here you are, thinking you're okay, thinking you're doing good with the relationship, thinking she's...yours already.
"I think I'm ready now."
Those words echoes in your head. You want to bang your head on the wall. You want it to stop ringing inside of you. You hold the box in your pocket and you breathe loudly. Maybe you still have a chance. Maybe you're just scared because it's her ex, because you know how it affected Mina. But you're here now, right? You're her present. And that girl was just a part of her memory.
You try to breathe heavy breaths before deciding to continue walking.
"Hi, birthday girl." You calmly say.
"I already blew the candles." Mina tries to smile at you. And you can feel she's also trying to hold herself by the way her voice trembles. "You're late."
"Am I?" You chuckle and bring the box out in front of her. "Here. Happy birthday."
Mina gulps and shows you a force smile before opening it. You watch in pain as her face stayed the same after opening your gift. "It's nice."
"It's a puzzle ring." You try to fake your enthusiasm and hold the rings in front of her. "You want to try it? You can choose what's yours, the bigger or the smaller and then I'll wear the other one."
"Uhm, Nayeon. N-no."
"Hmmm?"
"C-can I just go home? I-I think—I remember, I have to meet—do something."
You look at her, and notice her eyes avoiding your stare.
And you can't help it. You can’t help her.
You slowly put the rings back in the box and forced a smile. "Okay. I think you're not feeling well, too? I noticed you look pale."
"Uh, yeah. I think it has something to do with what I ate." Mina quickly fixes her bag.
"Do you want me to come along with you?"
"Huh? No, no. I'm okay. Thank you for everything." Mina hastily stand up and kisses your cheek before looking at you.
You can see how clouded she is with the pain of everything.
"It's okay." You smile again. "I’ll be okay. Go."
Mina smiles too. But you can feel it was more of saying sorry. And you want to punch your fist on the wall because of it. You watch her go. And you shake your head to yourself.
You thought this was it, but the way she walks out of the restaurant speaks a lot. That this is a mistake. You’re the distraction. A hiccup in their relationship.
She’s never been ready. Not with you.
*****