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Soobin looked down, under the starry night the river seemed painfully peaceful. Almost it was trying to allure the young man, whispering into the wind that it has the peace he wanted.
He took a shaky breath which failed to ease his tears streaming down his face.
So, this is the end.
He remembered his day.
This morning he had smiled to his family after six months. Seeing him smile, they had thought he was finally fine and ready to move on.
His stepmother prepared the breakfast which everyone liked so much. They talked happily during the breakfast, like a normal family.
His stepfather gave his stepsister her pocket money and kissed her cheeks, wishing her a good day. Then he turned his stepson to give his money which Soobin refused to take. The adult hugged the taller boy and smiled at him genuinely not knowing why his son didn’t take the money.
His stepmother hugged her daughter and fixed her hair before sending her. Then she turned to her stepson, hugged him lightly and kissed his dough-like cheeks. Only if she knew it was the last time she could do this, maybe she wouldn’t send her son so easily.
Soobin got on the driver seat and started the engine. His sister sang their favorite song during the road after six months when she saw her brother was happy. She joked around to make her stepbrother laugh and she was successful this time, after half a year.
She asked if he was going to work after his university. Soobin said he quitted his job and he was going to pick her up from her school and they would eat a family dinner at home.
For the last time .
She bid her goodbye and disappeared in the sea of students.
Soobin drove to his university, passing through the roads he was familiar with and thinking he couldn’t be able to see this morning scene tomorrow.
He parked his car and got out. He didn’t took his bag from the car, it was useless taking notes. He didn’t need them anymore.
Just before entering the building he saw the older, talking with his friends and laughing. His gorgeous eyes were sparkling with happiness and Soobin realized once again.
I did the right thing for letting you go.
Soobin was a hurt boy from the very beginning of his life. And hurt people would hurt people.
He had lost his biological mother the day he was born and his father had abandoned him for killing his wife.
He grew up in an orphanage, getting bullied because of his features. He was always taller than he should have been so that’s why he was very clumsy. He was a quiet boy, he was always gloomy knowing his mother died because of him. He got called so many things. A freak, idiot, stupid, ugly, giant, monster and killer .
He was adopted when by his current family he was ten. They loved him and pretended he was their actual son. However Soobin could never believed in it.
They just pity me .
When he started going to school he knew he was going to be bullied again. He was weak and people loved bullying the weak. And yes, he was right.
They saw him taking his pills and called him sick, not knowing he had anxiety and depression when he was just thirteen years old.
They called him orphan when they learnt his father left him. They made up things like his father abandoned him because he was too ugly to look at or his mother died because she couldn’t handle to have a beastly son like him.
And they laughed at him because how easily he could cry. A crybaby, they said to him. Despite his look he was just an ugly crybaby. Weak and stupid, he didn’t even have courage to fight back.
They are cruel .
They bullied him. Until someone decided to stop them.
That’s how he met Yeonjun.
One day, thirteen years old boys decided to pour their milks which were from a month ago down Soobin’s head, saying he should drink those rotten milks to shrunk back since he didn’t deserve his height.
He smelled like mildew, his panic attack would clearly seen. He couldn’t breath, his body was trembling like a leaf on a stormy day. The things they were saying echoed in his mind and he couldn’t think but they were right.
All he wanted was to die, vanish from this world. He didn’t deserve to be here, he was a killer. Nobody loved him, even his own father had left him. Everybody made fun of him and he didn’t want to bear with them, the pain in his heart, anymore.
He cried and it only made his attack worse, his lungs burned, begging for air which Soobin couldn’t give them. Hoping, he would die here from hyperventilating.
He crawled into his chest, praying for the darkness would help him, he closed his eyes. He was shaking, his breaths wasn’t stable but the bullies just laughed at him, screaming how he looked so miserable.
Someone came, running. He could feel their presence in front him like they stood there, trying to protect him.
A boy hissed, saying them to get lost with a very angry voice. Soobin wasn’t so conscious but he understood all of his bullies scurried off.
Then he felt a hand on his shaking body, still he was too scared to open his eyes. He just wanted to scream and say to the boy to get lost. But he was weak.
I don’t want your pity.
The older boy, called himself Yeonjun, didn’t leave his side since that day. Soobin tried to stay away from him, thinking he would make the other get bully either. He didn’t want him to get hurt like himself.
But the older didn’t listen to him, he sticked to him like a very strong glue. They weren’t in the same class but every break he would popped beside him. He would eat lunch with him, walk him to home. He would play with him after school. He would tell stories and make silly jokes just to make the other laugh.
Most importantly he would protect him, no matter what. When someone tried to bully him, Yeonjun would know and come to save him. When he had a panic attack he would hold him, whispering things that’ll sooth him. He would fight back when the younger couldn’t, he had become his strength after a year and Soobin couldn’t think his life without him.
I am madly in love with you .
He couldn’t find the guts to tell his true feelings towards the older. He was afraid of losing him, losing his strength and his happiness.
He didn’t even need his antidepressants when he had Yeonjun, he could finally experience the thing called happiness, love. He didn’t want these new and surprisingly good feelings to disappear.
But not soon after, his overwhelming feelings started to be shown, very clearly. Everybody, everybody , was aware of that and Soobin knew the older was one of them.
And it was driving him crazy how Yeonjun never spoke about it, pretending like he didn’t know when he surely did. He acted the same, he smiled the younger with sparkles in his eyes, hugged him out of nowhere and even sent him air kisses making the younger a blushing mess.
He was with him every day, after school and at the weekends. They would play games and study a little, Yeonjun would cook them delicious foods if they were hungry.
Then they would watch a movie which Soobin could never concentrate on because of the older who would lay down on his lap and fell asleep before the ending. His hairs would look so soft that made Soobin’s hands to shake because of wanting to touch them. His side profile was so perfect that Soobin could never believe he was real.
Sometimes, he was afraid of that he dreamt him and when he woke up he couldn’t find him by his side. Life was cruel to him and he wouldn’t be surprised if he was dreaming the only thing that made him happy.
One of those days, Soobin couldn’t hold back himself anymore.
They were watching a movie again, Soobin couldn’t remember its’ name nor plot. It was normal at first, the older laid his head on the younger’s lap like always. But after a while his hand started to play with his inner thigh, his long fingers brushed above the fabric but Soobin’s skin burnt with every little touch. His heart fastened to its’ freedom and he knew he wasn’t the only one heard it.
Yeonjun sat up and looked at his tomato like red face, a grin appeared his plumb and kissable lips.
Soobin’s eyes locked on them. He was a fifteen years old teenage boy who was under his overwhelming feelings, he couldn’t think straight.
He leaned closer so quickly and their lips met. For a moment he was afraid of Yeonjun to push him and leave him alone, regretting the thing he had done. And without realizing his eyes got watered with that idea.
He tried to pull back, maybe it wasn’t too late to apologize and hope the older’s forgiveness.
But Yeonjun grabbed his collar and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss. Soobin felt his heart skipped a couple of beats in his chest.
Is this another dream ?
He didn’t realize he was crying until the older pulled back and cupped his cheeks, his eyes were worried as he wiped the younger’s tears.
He asked what was wrong but Soobin couldn’t find the words, it was the first time he cried from happiness.
But he fucked up so bad. It was their fourth anniversary and everything was fine until he saw the older with his friends.
He was not possessive and he wouldn’t get jealous so easily. It was just a thing that popped up in his mind from where it had been hiding since the beginning.
Yeonjun can be happy without me .
And the thoughts he was holding back for so long started to fill his mind. This time, they were more cruel than ever.
Nobody needed him for to be happy, unlike him. It was too easy to find joy in the simplest thing for anybody else.
Like Yeonjun. He would be happy if he saw a bird cooing with the same melody as him. He would be happy if the weather was sunny but cool enough to wear a jacket he liked so much. He would be happy if a stray animal let him to pet itself. He would be happy if someone smiled at him. He would be happy if he found a snack in his pockets-which Soobin secretly put.
But to Soobin it was the otherwise. He could never fully be happy if Yeonjun wasn’t with him. Even the simplest thing could be a nightmare to him when he had a mind like his. A little thing someone had said to him without even thinking about it would crush his heart so easily. An almost invisible move towards to him would linger in his head for the next week, thinking he did something bad. Because he couldn’t do a thing right.
He was aware of the effect of his negative thoughts on the older.
I’m hurting him .
He couldn’t bare the thought. That night, the night before their fourth anniversary, he couldn’t bare his mind. His whole body was aching, everything brought pain to him. With every little move, with every shaky breath, with every crystal tear his body ached.
He didn’t even realize he took so many painkillers. All he wanted was the pain to be gone. He wanted to be in ease for once, without thinking so much. He wanted to stay in the empty darkness where he wasn’t hurt anymore.
He didn’t think that Yeonjun would come to check on him when he didn’t answer his calls.
That night at the hospital, it was the worst night in his life. He could see the look in everyone’s eyes, they were disappointed , disgusted .
They regret having me.
Nobody said something but he knew, they hated him. All they did was to love him, they tried their best to make Soobin feel safe, happy. But he was an ungrateful person who didn’t value them.
He knew that was their thoughts, he could see it in their eyes.
He didn’t talk to anybody and nobody confronted him to do. He cried whenever he was alone, and it was a lot. His parents had to work and his sister stayed with her grandparents. Yeonjun, he just didn’t want to come, probably.
He was, once again, alone.
On the second day he was discharged from the hospital, the way home was silent, his step parents didn’t speak. And Soobin really hated himself. He hated how he failed even dying.
He locked himself in his room, he wasn’t ready to talk with his family. He was embarrassed and he was disgusted with himself. He just wanted to stay here, in the dark where he could not see himself.
He thought about Yeonjun and his heart shattered.
The older was like a little sun, radiating the positivity and warmness around him. He was just so perfect, so perfect that Soobin didn’t deserve him even a bit.
He couldn’t hurt him anymore. But he was too afraid of letting him go, too afraid to be completely alone.
But he had to.
He looked the young man sitting across to him. He was smiling, he seemed happy. Like the sun he was.
A broken smile appeared on Soobin’s lips, tears glittered his eyes.
Now I am losing this sun, my sun .
The older didn’t take it well. Right when words started to spill from his mouth he saw how the older’s face changed.
His smile disappeared, shoulders dropped. He bit his lips, clinching his fist above his legs.
Soobin had to hold back his tears so hard, he had to look strong. Otherwise neither of them could let go of each other.
And then, after an hour of struggling he finally freed him.
I am now all alone .
He looked down at the dark water. It seemed so safe, like the older’s arm.
He stepped on the railings, cars passing through behind him. City lights shined but they were not bright enough.
He took another shaky breath.
Oh, how he wished to be okay, to be fine enough to give the older beautiful things.
Oh, how he wished to be strong enough to keep him, strong enough to not letting him go.
Oh, how he wished to be not broken from the beginning. So that he could’ve given his love properly, without hurting the older.
Oh, how he wished to forget his pain.
This stupid water feels like Yeonjun .