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Yeonjun wasn’t religious.
But as he ran on the sidewalk, tears burning his eyes and air trying to catch his lungs he prayed. He prayed the god with all his sincerity.
Let me be there before it’s too late .
This morning he woke up with a heavy feeling in his chest, apart from missing the younger, something felt off. He couldn’t point it exactly but something weren’t right.
He skipped the breakfast and headed to the university, he drove without thinking until he realized the painfully familiar path he was in.
His heart became heavier in his chest. He stopped his car and waited not knowing why.
Maybe it was because of his habit. Maybe he waited for the younger to hop in the car and lean closer to give him a chaste kiss. Maybe it was his desperation to go back to the times when they were happy.
His eyes caught two familiar figures. As he watched them a broken smile formed in his lips. He, once again, realized how much he missed the younger.
It had been six months after their breakup but the pain remained the same. Almost half of his life he had Soobin, protecting him from everything that could hurt his precious heart. Being his knight in shining armor since their childhood. Everyday, he woke up with this purpose only, making his most cherished one happy.
He never thought Soobin was a burden he had to carry. He was a part of him, a part of his heart. He might have been depressed but Yeonjun never saw him as sick. He accepted the younger the way he was, like he accepted himself.
Soobin was just hurt and Yeonjun was ready to embrace his pain, getting hurt together.
Likewise, he had always thought he understood the younger’s pain, why he had a scar in his heart that never could fully heal. He had thought he knew why he acted the way he did then and now.
I couldn’t be more wrong .
Six months ago, they were at his apartment, sitting opposite in the couch.
The older caressed his lover’s hands, pressing light kisses on the soft skin. He was happy to have him again, by his side and he hoped it would last forever.
But soon after his hopes and dreams crushed into billion pieces, flew away with the wind.
When Soobin said he wanted to break up he understood he just underestimated the feeling of being abandoned, being left alone. Thinking you are not loved, not wanted. Thinking you were a burden that have to be carried, an outgrowth.
He, once more, admired how strong the younger was. Coping with this indescribable pain for his whole life.
But Yeonjun himself, wasn’t so strong. He never had enough strength to be without him, alone. It never mattered how many people he had in his life, without Soobin it would be the loneliest.
He tried to hold on, tried to convince the younger. He said he wasn’t mad at him, or disgusted or the other things he had assumed.
But Soobin didn’t listen. He said things the older couldn’t believe. He said things he didn’t mean. He said he didn’t love him, need him anymore. He said he was fine by himself, he wasn’t hurt anymore.
Yeonjun wanted to believe he was fine even if it meant he didn’t love him. He wanted to believe he wasn’t hurt even if he didn’t need him anymore.
But Yeonjun was afraid. He was afraid if he loosened his grip, he would be gone forever.
So that he couldn’t let him go so easily. He couldn’t let him slip away from his hands.
A new memory held him so tightly.
A week ago, when it was their fourth anniversary all he wanted was to be with him.
They never celebrated it with fancy things. They would just lie in the bed, cuddling each other and Yeonjun would say sweet things to the younger’s ears. He would pepper him with kisses when he feel like it. They would make out for a while but never too far, because Yeonjun had promised himself to wait and not to rush.
So he called Soobin in the evening. Once, twice, three times and more... But he never answered and it was the first time he didn’t. So Yeonjun had the right to be worried, he knew the younger was alone at home and he had seen the way he acted for the past few days. He knew something was off.
He used his spare keys when the door was unanswered. The house was quiet. His heartbeats fastened with panic, a gut feeling popped in his chest.
Yeonjun rushed to the younger’s room, at first he relaxed seeing him in his bed, sleeping safely. He took small steps to the bed and sat next to him, admiring his beauty.
He knew he was lucky in his life but he still couldn’t believe he was this lucky, to have him as his lover. Yeonjun was thankful to whoever was above them.
But she must’ve been so jealous of his love, she tried to take her angel, Soobin, away from him, to her side.
Yeonjun saw the empty boxes laying on the the floor. Two boxes which had to be full of painkillers, were empty. A few pills were spilled around, like someone took the others in a rush and didn’t care about them.
His instinct acted faster than his panicked brain. He touched Soobin’s neck, searching for his pulse. It was here, but it was so weak that Yeonjun feared he imagined it.
He didn’t even call the emergency line. His whole body filled with adrenaline and fear as he grabbed the younger and carried him to his car. Heart pounding in his chest as he took his large steps.
He never drove his car that fast in his life. He feared if he wasted even a split second it would be too late.
He could finally breath when the doctor said Soobin was fine.
He dropped on the floor, resting his back on the wall. He covered his face with his trembling hands. Unstoppable tears streamed down his face, his breaths still uneven.
He felt so many things at once, it was so overwhelming Yeonjun thought he could faint.
He was happy to know his lover was alive, he was relaxed to know Soobin was still with him. He was proud of himself for not being late, he succeeded to save him.
But he also felt ashamed to be in this situation. He was mad at himself for not realizing the younger’s pain earlier, not seeing his lover’s insecurities. He was angry at himself for letting Soobin fight on his own.
He was sad to know Soobin tried to go back where he had come from. He didn’t blame him nor he was mad at him.
He was just upset because he couldn’t do anything about this.
Am I not enough for you ?
He didn’t want to leave the younger. He knew both of them need each other, to escape from their own minds, their hurtful thoughts. They needed each other to heal together.
Especially Soobin. Yeonjun didn’t know how cruel the younger’s mind was because Soobin never fully showed it to him. Even though Yeonjun was willing to take it all, all the venomous thoughts that poisoning his loved one. He was willing to wipe away all the tears the younger shattered, take away his pain.
But Soobin loved him as much as Yeonjun loved the latter. He didn’t want to rest all of his pain on the older. He, too, was willing to get hurt instead of his lover.
So they gave each other some time. Which after, Yeonjun regretted so much.
He parked his car at his usual spot, he got off and locked the car. He took a few steps before stopping and looking at the empty parking space.
He took a deep, shaky breath. In the past, when this spot was empty the younger would have come with him. Now, a few minutes later Soobin would park his car here.
I should be happy, at least I know you’re still here .
After his classes were over it was eight in the evening. He had always hated fridays, he felt so tired at the end of the day.
Soobin used to be his recharger. He would come to his apartment, they would prepare the dinner and eat while talking, laughing. After that they would open a movie, Soobin would caress the older’s hair until he fell asleep. Then the movie would end, leaving the room in silence. They would sleep on the couch, feeling safe with their presence.
Yeonjun missed those days so much, it physically hurt.
He entered the cafe which the younger was working. He hoped he could see him, maybe talk to him. Even a glance was okay. He needed something to keep going.
But Soobin wasn’t there.
While he was ordering, the barista said Soobin had quitted yesterday.
A sentence flashed in Yeonjun’s mind. “I’ll work until I have enough money to pay back to my stepparent.” Soobin had said to him when he first started to work. “I don’t want to die when owing them.”
Yeonjun didn’t even take his coffee. He ran out of the cafe while he called the younger. He didn’t answer, again.
Yeonjun drove to the younger’s house, hands trembling with fear. Now he understood what felt off. It was the same feeling that he felt six months ago.
He knocked on the door without hesitating, he somehow hoped Soobin would open the door and prove him wrong.
But it was his sister that Yeonjun saw when the door was opened. His fear grew when the girl said his brother wasn’t at home.
He lied about he needed to take something from the younger. He didn’t want to scare anybody else, he knew Soobin wouldn’t want him to.
When he entered the familiar room his eyes caught the letters on the desk. His heart dropped as he took his steps towards the desk. His hands were shaking so much, a few tears fell from his eyes without his permission. His heart was pounding with fear, he was so afraid of being late. He was so scared that this time he couldn’t be there in time.
No, I am not late.
He hid the letters before leaving the house in hurry. He knew how Soobin would feel if his parent found the letter and the money. Like the last time. Yeonjun didn’t want him to feel like that again.
He hopped in his car and drove to the Han River. He wasn’t sure if the younger was there but he didn’t know where else to go.
Soon, the Soul’s evening traffic trapped him. The cars didn’t move even an inch and Yeonjun felt with every split second he was losing his chance to save his lover.
I am not going to lose you .
He pulled over and got off the car. He didn’t wait even for a second, he started run. His legs weren’t too strong, his vision was blurry with tears and his breaths were uneven but he didn’t care. He ran as fast as he could.
He ran, even he couldn’t catch his breaths properly.
He ran, even his legs didn’t have enough strength to lift him.
He ran, even the tears blocked his way.
He ran with all of his might.
Yeonjun wasn’t religious, he didn’t believe in some absolute might which supposed to look after them.
But right now, he was so desperate to deny her.
Don’t take him away from me, I am begging you .
Yeonjun saw him, the younger’s tall figure was standing in front of the railings. Finally a happy breath went into his lungs but it stuck in his throat as he saw Soobin stepping on the railings.
He speeded his large steps. He was close, he couldn’t let him slips away from here. He couldn’t lose him like this. If he saw him fly away to his home in front of his eyes he could never forgive himself, he couldn’t live knowing he failed to protect his most precious one.
He will never be able to remember how fast he ran the distance between them.
Yeonjun grabbed the younger’s arm and pulled him to his chest. Feeling his breaths on his neck, inhaling his beautiful scent, knowing he wasn’t late his legs gave up and he fell on the ground with Soobin on top of him.
He wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him so tight so that he couldn’t go anywhere.
His tears streamed down his face with relief. All the adrenaline went away leaving its’ place to happiness.
“You’re safe.” He whispered looking down to see Soobin. He had closed his eyes, his face was wet with tears and his whole body was trembling in Yeonjun’s arm.
Yeonjun kissed his forehead slowly, feeling his presence and reminding himself that it wasn’t a dream, he saved him.
“Soobin-ah, you’re safe. You’re with me.”
Soobin opened his eyes to the familiar voice. His eyes widened when he saw the older. “I didn’t know the angels were so beautiful.” He whispered, his voice shaky.
Yeonjun smiled and pulled him closer until their nose touched. He gave him a little peck. “I’m not an angel, love.” He whispered and kissed him again. “I’m your Yeonjun.”
“Hyung?” Soobin asked, his voice pitched with realization. He too must’ve been so scared.
Yeonjun nodded. “I saved you.” He said, lifting his hand and caressing the younger’s soft hairs.
It had been so long since he held him close like this. It had been so long since he inhaled his favorite scent from this close, feeling the younger’s weight on him. It had been so long since he caressed his hairs, kissed him with love.
It had been so long since he felt complete.
“I’m sorry.” Soobin said while a hiccup left his lips. “I’m sorry I-“
Yeonjun kissed him. This time longer. He didn’t want to hear apologizes or the bad words the younger was going to say. He didn’t want to talk about this right now.
He kissed him gently, tasting his slaty lips. He kissed him with the longing. He kissed him saying it was alright, they were alright. He kissed him telling he wasn’t mad, disgusted or tired of him. He kissed him telling him he didn’t need to apologize. Now that they had each other, nothing else mattered.
And he knew Soobin understood him.
Yeonjun pulled back when both of them needed to breath. He cupped the younger’s cheeks and caressed them gently.
“Today I prayed.” He said catching his eyes, a little smile appeared on his lips. Soobin’s eyes were shining with tears but Yeonjun could see he was happy, relieved. He felt safe in his arms.
“I begged to her.” He said again, pulling away the bangs were covering Soobin’s face. “I begged to her not to take you away from me.”
Soobin lowered his head but Yeonjun caught his chin and made him look him in the eyes. He smiled.
“It’s okay to feel down, to get hurt. It’s okay if you can’t bare it on your own, if it’s too hard to carry it by yourself.” He left a long kiss on his forehead.
“But please, my love, don’t make me beg to her again.”
Both of them knew what he actually meant by those.
“You don’t have to change yourself if you can’t, I’ll comfort you as much as you need. I will be here for you, you can confess all your sorrow to me and I will take it gladly.”
Soobin held him more tightly, burying his face into the older’s neck. He nodded as he cried.
“Just, don’t ever leave me again.” Yeonjun whispered to his ear, kissing the soft skin. He caressed the younger’s back with affection.
After six months, he could breath properly.
“And don’t ever, ever , ask me to leave you.”
Soobin nodded.
Yeonjun smiled and hugged him tighter.
Because I will hold you like this until the day I die.