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Loki’s Guide to Making Monsters

By Loki Laufeyson, M.O.M. (Mother of Monsters)

Prologue: why monsters?

Most magic users are women. Have you ever wondered why? For most of the species of the nine realms, only women give birth to children. And that is the source of the strongest magic: not children, but the process of creating them and giving them birth.

Wait, you say, must I then be a woman? Of course not; all Jotnar, for instance, can birth children, and Odin still won’t tell all the adventures he got up to in his youth. You just need the right body parts (see the illustration*), and with a modicum of magic you can make them yourself.

Here is more good news. There is no reason to restrict yourself to birthing one of your own species in order to gain magic power! Monsters come in all shapes and sizes, from the salamander in your fireplace to bilgesnipes and dragons and more. (And pedantically, for the purposes of this text, any being or animal may be considered a monster, which is to say a demonstration or showpiece, if its birth seems to be miraculous.) You need only to find the male (or equivalent) of any species to get started on your magic-enhancing adventures!

*Illustration not provided.

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Midgardian tales tell of witches pregnant by goats, or with cats, so offspring of your own form are not required. The magic user will be best rewarded by starting small.

Another reason for a small first monster: you do not want to be labelled ergi before you have power enough to defend yourself. Small monsters can be gestated quickly and should not distort your shape overmuch. You may still develop a glow to your aspect (possibly giving the game away to other magic users), and you will have to deal with the unpleasant afterbirth, but small monsters are far easier to disguise than their larger brethren.

Given this, let’s get started!

You will need to develop female body parts and then regular courses. (The periodic blood and mess must be hidden from others, and you should not risk showing pain when your body cramps…again a reason to start small.) Train yourself to feel the slight prickling when an ovum is ready. Once that has happened, you can begin.

To one (or more, see e.g. section on dragons) Mage’s ovum add tincture of male monster through the vaginal passage. Most male monsters will have a special organ used to insert this tincture. It is best to let the monster couple with you after its own fashion, as its satisfaction and yours will increase the strength of the magic.

After a short while (minutes to hours for small monsters), the ovum and tincture will fuse to form a blastocyte. This cell will rove inside your uterus until it finds a spot in which to implant itself and start parasitizing your essence. From a small monster seed, the implantation will feel like a tiny friendly scratch, and you will feel a comfortable “letting down” (like a nursing mother would feel) as it feeds on you.

As the monster within you feeds, it grows. Eventually, it will start to interact with the walls around it, and these walls will stretch most pleasantly, like the stretching of a waking cat. Enjoy this feeling, and the magical power that comes with it. Can you feel it? Good! Be careful not to let too much of this pleasure show on your face or in your actions.

When the time comes for your monster to be born, you may feel a pulsing of your uterus, and then a short flow of moisture. (Eventually, larger monsters will lead to stronger cramps.) Lay down in a darkened, private place. When you feel the need, push, and the monster will slide out of you.

What then? Most small monsters are active at birth; you need only lick or rinse it off, and let it find its own way outdoors. Now don’t you feel much stronger in your magic?

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A little monster delivers subtle pleasant feelings as it grows inside you; a larger monster (or a larger brood of the same monsters) will feel much better, and deliver much more magic. But be careful not to overdo it at first. Try to increase the birth weight of the monster(s) inside you by small increments with each attempt.

When you have exhausted the pleasures of, say, mouse-sized monsters, try to select your next species from those that are naturally around you. (Remember, a conspicuous exotic or brightly colored monster could give your business away before you become powerful enough.) You may need to expand your womanly parts, or your previous experimentation may have expanded them enough already. It is no hardship to start with parts that are a little tight; that will only increase the stretching pleasures as your monster grows within you.

[Aside: What about laying eggs? This is seldom rewarding, as most of the magic that forms with an egg stays within its shell. Once delivered, the egg is delicate and needs warmth to hatch a lizard or a chick. Still, practice never hurts. (You can start by trying to deliver stones.) Leave your practice eggs in a bird’s nest already in use, or under a brooding hen. However, to most productively accrue magic and pleasure, stick to making creatures that are born alive, like salamanders or some snakes.]

Try to avoid mammals at this stage. Even small breasts and milk stains are conspicuous. You should wait to try mammals until after your pregnant belly is markedly visible upon naked investigation. (In complete privacy only! You are not safe yet.) You will have to begin the habit of always going clothed among others; plead a vow or some other made-up reason.

You should naturally hold back from giving birth until the small hours of the night at this stage. Clean the newborn as best you can and send it on its way. You will need to find an uninhabited den for certain birthing purposes hereafter.

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Now you are ready for making mammals. (But do not neglect other species! A snake within you will deliciously tickle many places in your uterus at once, frequently, and this is a delight that must be experienced.)

A warning: at this stage, your practices will become much harder to hide or disguise. Mammals develop mammae; this means you will likely grow breasts. Perhaps you are contemplating a kitten for your mother, or a puppy to be raised as a familiar. One offspring should not be an evident problem; but both these species have rows of milk-producing glands, so you may sprout extra nipples in unexpected areas.

When you are nursing your first kitten at your breast, its purr a mere buzz and its paws kneading below your nipple, your mother will probably find you. (Mothers can smell milk, I think.) While embarrassing, this is not a problem. She knows what you are undertaking, and she probably did the same herself at your age. (After all, she did give birth to you.) Give her the kitten; it will please her.

She will probably caution you to go slowly in your investigations, and to not rush headlong into situations you cannot yet control, which is precisely the advice I am giving you here. (But this may be difficult, as power and pleasure are things to be rushed into, headlong!) Your mother will also reintroduce you to the Healer, now that you have new abilities, and this relationship will be mutually beneficial in the future.

After creating one pet, try making a few, then whole litters; farms can always use cats and dogs. The line of nipples along each flank should recede each time your little ones are weaned. And nursing is its own pleasure: a lazy desultory one that reflexively tightens your womb as each nipple is tugged upon. It also adds to your magic. Enjoy this stage of your learning process.

Next move into the woods, to your den. Try making a litter of wolves, or a few bear cubs. You may notice something new as they grow within you: in addition to being pleasantly and frequently stretched, your womb is also growing heavy as the little ones grow. This new development will become more marked as you grow bigger monsters. Do not neglect exercising, in order to keep your lower back pain-free. (After a few more pregnancies, the tug of gravity will itself become a nostalgic and magic-producing pleasure.)

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You are ready to grow monsters that require whole-body shape-shifting on your part. Your final practice monsters at this stage will come from the barnyard. Goats, especially milch-goats, are the best mammals to be studied. After three bears, surely you can manage a quartet of kids, can you not? Mate with the most promising lusty he-goat.

While your womb is still stretching happily, but long before your belly shows, you will suddenly sprout large breasts. These will be nearly impossible to hide, and will change your center of gravity so that you will have to learn new styles of fighting. (Again, ask your mother.) Soon your breasts will fill with milk (but only a little magic). You may not notice this at first, but you will certainly notice when as they grow they start to leak milk and to become painful. You haven’t any kids yet to suck at them, so you must express the milk by tugging at each nipple (suction is better, if possible). Expression also releases the minor magic and makes it available to you. You may need to do this up to three times a day, at first, and more frequently later. However, do not drain your breasts dry, as they will only produce more milk and grow larger and heavier.

Stay hydrated.

You may want a familiar to relieve you of milk. A snake is excellent for this, as snakes will not pull the milk from you themselves, but patiently wait for a saucerful to be offered. Imps are not recommended as familiars, because they are too clever. An imp will soon ascertain where the milk comes from, then help itself to a breast while you are unaware, especially at night. A sated imp will invite its relatives to partake of the feast as well, and soon you will find yourself surrounded by a nightly circle of glowing eyes and hungry mouths. Your frequently drained breasts will grow and grow; they will leak and ache incessantly. Cold compresses may help.

[If you have access to Midgardian devices, you may stash your milk in what is called a refrigerator. However, your curious oaf of a brother may help himself to the refrigerator’s contents, and then what is left for your snake? Also, woe betide you if he figures out where the milk came from. Then you will have the imp problem again, but in a far worse form.]

Even if everything goes well, if you have done everything just right, your breasts will continue to grow, and leak, and eventually your belly will protrude. It is time to visit the Healer. Wear a cloak.

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Healers have uses for Mages’ milk; from now on, whatever you express in human form (and whatever she can rescue from your refrigerator) will belong to the Healer. In return, she will see you through the new perils of this pregnancy.

For one thing, she will taper off your milk flow with special herb tea. Your breasts will subside. (Otherwise, when you transform into a she-goat, you would trip over your own udder.) Then she will watch over your transformation, to make sure all parts are shifted to satisfactory results. And then you will make an unhappy discovery: all the strong, pleasant sensations that so built your magic are much diminished in this form. [This is a general truth: you will feel most strongly in human shape. Do pregnant she-goats swoon in ecstasy, as you have in private? No, they briskly go about their goatly business, and so avoid being eaten by predators.] The lessening of sensation means the lessening in growth of your magic, but the reward is that the task you are now undertaking will be much easier, and far less conspicuous, to perform.

You will be maintained as a goat in her yard as you grow large, give birth, and finally suckle your kids. Once they are weaned, it is time for you to change back to your own form. Some Mages forget themselves at this stage, thinking themselves goats in earnest, and need to be reminded by the Healer to resume their own shapes. If this happens to you, you should probably avoid shifting into larger forms while pregnant.

Once you have come back to yourself, you will find your body full of magic, if a bit saggy. Again, do not neglect exercise between bouts of making monsters.

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What? You want still more power, more pleasure? The masterwork of this process is to create a human child (or an Asgardian; see next section. It really only depends on the kind of human-shaped males that are available to you.)

You will first want to make sure that you have someone who will take the child once you have delivered it, as children take years to reach their full potential and cannot simply be released into the wild.

Humans develop in the womb like other mammals. The offspring ripen over three trimesters. During the last of these, the fetus does not grow much in length, but instead grows fat off you and becomes as restless as a stall-confined stallion fed only oats. Being kicked incessantly in the kidneys is not especially pleasant.

Human children are also at the upper end of the size range that can be safely delivered through your vagina. (Some Mages reshape their pelvic floors to make room just before their children are born, but if you grow too soon, the child may grow with you. This is an arms race you do not wish to encourage.)

After delivery, human children stink and shriek and are generally unpleasant. However, you may look into the eyes of your child, and decide you wish to keep it. There is no dishonor in retiring from magecraft at this point to raise a family. You can always return to the practice once your child or children are grown; or you can retire as the village wise-woman knowing that you have done well with your life.

(Also, at this point, you might as well be proud of your changed shape. Once you are a Mage grown into your powers, a womanly belly is nothing to be ashamed of, especially if coupled with the rumor that you got it from your power to make mens’ private parts shrivel.)

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Asgardian offspring are like those of humans, only bigger, more active and of longer gestation. Birthing is similarly more extended and painful. I don’t see how Hildegund manages to present Volstagg with offspring so regularly.

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Many mages have retired from making monsters at this point, or limit their practice to making small enough ones to keep themselves in magic. If your ambition is still not slaked, however, tame or wild cattle are the usual next step upwards in size. Again, the longer you remain human after impregnation, the greater your pleasure, and the more your magic will grow. Some, like Pasiphae, stay human the entire time, but risk making minotaurs.

A cow’s gestation is nine months, like a human’s. The birth weight is considerably greater, however, and a cow’s form is much better suited for delivering calves. Domestic dairy cows are pregnant even as they lactate, which will considerably increase your contentment, dulled though it be in cow form. But this form is not without risk: Some shape-shifters (i.e., Skrulls) have forgotten their selves entirely and spend the rest of their lives as cattle.

Another disadvantage of the cow form is that you are restricted to a vegetarian diet, and will fart excessive amounts of methane. Near dragons, this can prove flammable.

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But horses are useful, you say, and (unlike humans) do not kick within the womb! Yes, but you must become a mare to attract a stallion. Stallions are very possessive and may try to keep you away from civilization (and breed you again, and again…) until your magic is nearly depleted. It’s best to avoid such practices unless you can keep your wits while shifted into horse form for years on end.

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But if you must couple with a dragon, here is some advice.

 Dragons lust for human-shaped maidens, so be ready with a hymen pre-formed. They also have club-sized penises studded with thorns like a cane-rose, so you may wish to do some additional subtle body modification before you get started.

A dragon knows it can hatch at most one brood inside each maiden. Nature has given it a scent that will induce you to ripen and release as many ova as you can all at once. (Here, previous practice at producing large broods may work against you.) Mating is fierce and bloody, and you will likely be shackled by your neck during it, but at least you will lay on a bed of gold and treasure. Your dragon mate will bring you healthy and delicious (albeit regurgitated) food, since you will not be allowed (or, soon, be able) to rise from your golden bed.

Dragon embryos first grow soft shells, but later will be born alive. Your belly will grow very large very quickly while the eggs grow. This will feel quite wonderful until the heaps of eggs harden in place, and become stiff and uncomfortable inside you. And then they hatch, which is far worse. (By this stage, your dragon mate will decamp for parts unknown, but you will soon be in too much pain to be hungry.) The shells crumble and fall into in sharp fragments, which will be trampled underfoot as the dragon babes fight each other in the womb (as sharks do, but also with claws and flaming breath). Dragonets are clumsy at this age and will as often slash or burn at your sensitive womb as at each other. It is melee, not tourney fighting, and the winners eat the losers until only one is left.

You will likely be considerably burned and in great pain when the remaining dragon is finally born (and this process can take days). The larger the brood to start with, the larger this dragon will be when it emerges, clawing, biting, and exhaling flames.  Although its scales will be soft until they reach the air outside you, a new dragon is pugnacious and paranoid, and all its other weapons remain at the ready. Its flame will burn even hotter with the extra oxygen in the air outside you. It will be hungry. When you can first move, teleport away as far and as fast as you can.

(And here is where your earlier trade with the Healer works to your advantage: nothing heals or revives a Mage quite as much as his or her own milk.)

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There are always larger monsters. There are bilgesnipe, there are whales; and if one fetus is not enough consider multiples. If you are this ambitious, you will want to spend as much time in your own form as you can, for as the monsters you choose to grow within you get bigger and bigger, your body will grow much more sensitive and excitable. (And, of course, much more powerful.) There may come a day you cannot walk straight, as orgasms erupt within you at every step.

There may come a day you cannot walk at all. It’s best to have a trusted associate to bring you food (copious amounts) and deal with the resulting by-products (also copious amounts). Barring that, you may have to shift into a larger form, but you will probably lose considerable sensitivity.

However, you may not be able to shift forms (or to shift back) until after your monster is born. Many a frost giant has labored to produce a mountain, only to die of starvation in the attempt.

And always remember: what is held must be delivered. Somehow. Do not outgrow your exit plan.

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You may have a great oaf of a brother who is famed as a hunter and monster fighter. He will imperil your activities in three ways:

• There may be no nearby monsters to sire your offspring.
• Your offspring themselves could be threatened as you release them into the wild.
• He may even mistake you for a monster, especially if you are in another form.

Because of these risks, you should spend as much time as you can in your youth, exploring alone. Hopefully you will find places where your brother cannot go, of which your brother does not even know, and you can make your monsters there in peace. However, make sure you have emergency escape routes already in place in case of some other calamity (e.g., a lusty dragon).

The other safety plan, if you must be in civilization, such as in the family palace, is to have people who will stand between you and your ill-tempered brother, and protect you from his wrath. Your mother works best, but your Healer can protect you in a pinch.

Of course, you may be discovered giving birth, and may then have to protect both your monster offspring and yourself from your brother (or even your father). In that case, good luck!