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There still remained a kind of luxurious charm to Hotel rooms. The modern aesthetics, the sharp lightning, the little bottles that lined the bathrooms, the impersonality of it all. This was a room made for no one and made to suit anyone. Whenever Felix stayed in one he was always filled with thoughts of other people, other scenes that had inevitably taken place within these same walls. He imagined old couples going out of town to break up a tired routine, and newlyweds kissing at the doorway. He pictures little girls huddled together underneath the blankets murmuring secrets to one another under the cover of darkness. When they were in hotels Felix felt like just another occupant, another name in an list, it gave a strange but not unwelcome sense of anonymity.
This Hotel room was especially nice. Where it was did not much matter to him - the world outside was out of bounds for the time being - this was strictly a business trip. Whatever city glittered past as they drove from the airport looked like any other - shimmering red and gold in the night. If he looked at the skyline, stuck his head out of the window to smell the sea air, he might even - for a moment at least - think himself home.
He liked traveling like this. Letting their engagements take him from place to place and city to city, taking no account of names and borders. It allowed him to place all of his focus on his art and he was grateful to have others arrange everything for them. He did not much like thinking about the nuances, about bills to be paid, and lengths of stay, and the best routes to get from one place to the other. That was all trying to him and much much too adult .
Of course he was twenty years old now, and whatever way you looked at it a man. But still felt like a kid. His activities had not changed much in years. He liked dancing and he liked music, liked playing video games into the early hours of morning and he liked being close to his friends. The fact that he was grown now had changed very little in him. He wondered if it was the same for everyone - or if there were people who relished having adult responsibilities.
Although he could not remember what sponsor or company was paying for their stay here he knew that it wasn’t JYP. The rooms were too large, too expensive, and unlike usual where they roomed two or three together, they had each been given their own. A wing of the Hotel had been cleared for them - eight rooms all in the same hallway.
The schedule was tight on this trip. They had flown right after a performance so that on the plain ride everyone was tired. Felix had been asleep throughout most of it, his head resting on Hyunjin’s slender shoulder. But maybe he had slept too long - because now it was four in the morning and he was wide awake.
The silence was strange to him. He was so accustomed to living life among his bandmates that any privacy felt alien. If they were back in the dorm he would be able to hear Changbin’s snoring, and the way he turned in bed, shuffling all the blankets about. The room would also have the low humming of Bangchan’s humidifier and sometimes depending on the night he could he’d be able to hear other members talking or laughing or listening to music through the thin walls. They were comforting sounds to him. He liked being around those he loved.
But it was probably good for him to spend a night on his own for once. And this room was certainly a nice one to have to himself.. The bed was gigantic, the decor sleek and white with, a soft rug under his feet, and a private balcony boasting an ocean view. Not to mention the giant TV, the mini fridge full of snacks, and the very tempting jacuzzi bathtub.
He had spent the first ten minutes in the room investigating everything, opening up empty drawers, shuffling back the curtains, flipping through the channels in a foreing language. They were staying here for two nights, that much he remembered Bangchan telling them - and two nights was plenty of time to get settled.
He unpacked some of his things, putting them neatly into drawers. To try to cover up the silence he played Coldplay as he opened the balcony door, allowing the sounds of the city below to filter up along with the heat. The ocean was near enough that he could hear it too, but the sounds of cars and the shuffle of hotel staff below were more audible.
When he finished he went back into the bathroom, picking through the tiny bottles of products to see if there was anything to his liking. He found a cream he quite liked and tried it on his hands, dry from overusing hand sanitizer. It smelled like something Seungmin put on sometimes, sweet and earthy. Nothing else caught his eye, so he began his usual beauty routine, starting with the arduous task of removing his make up.
Somedays doing this was a pain, but not right now. He wasn’t a bit tired, and the acoustics of the bathroom were great making the music sound ever better. He sang along to Fix You as he went through his methodical steps, moving to the music, the scents of all his products making him feel a little more at home.
When he finished it was almost five o’clock. He had forgotten what time they were supposed to be up, but experience had taught him that he should always get as much rest as possible. With that in mind he took a quick shower, and changed into pale blue pajamas. They were light and comfortable, the material silky, and they were a good match to the general luxury of the room.
He turned off the lights and then tip toed back to bed, as if afraid to wake someone. He rolled into the middle, rearranging the pillows for the most comfort, and putting his cellphone to change on the nightstand next to him.
He had felt the balcony door ajar so that he could still hear some of the sounds outside, but even so it was very quiet. The largeness of the room became more imposing in the dark.. Even if he spread his legs and stretched his arms, the bed was immense. At least four of them could have slept here very comfortably. There was really no need for them each to get their own room.
He turned over onto his side. His body sunk pleasantly into the mattress, which should have logically made him more comfortable - but it didn’t. It was too different from the bed he was used to, and even the knowledge that it was hugely superior did not make him feel better.
Felix sighed, trying to make sense of his own way of thinking. He wasn’t usually like this. He liked Hotel rooms, and he didn’t normally have trouble falling asleep. It was easy, but then he was usually at least with one other person.
He shut his eyes, reminding himself that he was twenty years old, an international idol, and surely independent enough to spend one night on his own. He had done it before, not often of course, but it had happened.
Back home in Sydney he had his own room, but of course he would spend at least half his nights with one of his sisters, either in their beds or in his. He liked being close to people like that. And when they were training there had been so many friends around him, and all living in a very confined space. And for years now he had spent the majority of his time with his bandmates, and that meant that there was always someone to sleep next to, someone to hug to bed, someone to nap next to on the sofa. It was one of his favorite things.
He flipped over again, onto his back, this time taking the right side of the bed. Maybe he could fool himself into thinking there was someone with him. He lined up the pillows sideways next to him, so that it felt like one of the boys, and put his arm around them, feeling it sink in. The pose was familiar, he often slept like this with Bangchan or Seungmin, but a pillow was a poor substitute for a person. It was too cold, and too bulky, and although it was physically comfortable, it made him a little sad.
Felix tried to get used to it for a few minutes and then annoyed kicked the pillows off the bed and rolled over into the middle again. He was benign irrational, and stupid. This was a comfortable room, they had a busy day tomorrow, and he had to sleep, whether or not there was anybody with him.
He shut his eyes and practiced a method that he remembered from school. Slow breathing. Slow breathing. Slow breathing. He concentrated on this for what felt like a long time, feeling the air go through his lungs, his stomach, taking each inhale and exhale with purpose, trying to get his body to relax.
But it was no good. And the realization came to him slowly. It wasn’t just that he was alone - it was that at this moment he felt lonely . He shuffled up into a sitting position. The last few months had been so busy that he hadn't had any time for sadness. All of his time was accounted for, and although there were a lot of things in his life which were far from perfect, overall he had little to complain about. He loved his work, he loved the people around him, and he had so much to look forward to - so more hope and expectations about the future.
It was precisely because he had not been sad in a long time that now that it came it frightened him. He reached out across the bed and picked up his cellphone. Would it be ridiculous to text someone to see if they were awake? Maybe they couldn’t sleep either. Maybe they were watching TV and wanting some company.
For a moment he allowed himself to indulge in the vision of a room filled with the magical blue light of the TV, and lying in one of these comfortable beds with another of his friends, feeling someone’s arm around him, hearing their voice which to Felix meant safety, comfort.
He sighed as he fiddled with his phone. It was pretty pathetic that he couldn’t spend even a single night by himself, and he would be embarrassed to admit that to the others. Not to mention that it was likely they were asleep and it would be selfish of him to bother them.. But there was no other way he would be able to sleep tonight.
He crossed his arms over his chest, thinking.
He was sure that Bangchan would not mind, no matter how late it was, or how much he needed rest. He had always been like a big brother to Felix, and still in many ways treated him like a kid. If Felix told him that he felt lonely, or that he couldn’t sleep alone, he was sure that Bangchan would not make fun of him, or tease him. And it was always nice spending the night with him.
With some apprehension he opened the chat with Bangchat on his phone and started writing out a message. But what if Bangchan was asleep and he didn’t see it till morning? Knowing him he would probably feel bad that he had been unable to comfort him and the last thing Felix wanted was Bangchan to feel guilty.
He put his phone back on the nightstand and turned on the TV. He flipped through the channels until he found something in English and turned the volume low. He shut his eyes, letting the words drift into the background. The program was an old american sitcom that he had heard of but never watched. The exaggerated intonation of their voices were followed by a laugh track and occasionally clapping. He had it on for some ten minutes, pretending to himself that it was soothing, that it was doing its job.
Finally the episode came to an end, and music came on and frustrated Felix sat up again and turned it off.
TV was not going to help him tonight. He really only had two options in front of him. The first was to examine his feelings. To try to understand this sadness had hit him so quickly and then try to soothe it. He could take a long bath. He could go out into the balcony and listen to his favorite songs. In a couple hours it would be a decent time in Sydney, he could call his sisters, or his mum, they always made him feel better.
This option was not entirely satisfying. He didn’t want to think tonight. It took too much energy, and what if it affected his performance tomorrow. What if the sadness became something that he couldn’t just shake off and soothe in a few minutes?
The second option was to reach out to one of his friends. He looked at his phone again. Texting was stupid. If someone was asleep there would be no point in texting them. But calling them seemed like too much. If they didn’t have their phone on silent that could wake them up and Felix was uncomfortable with the idea of bothering anyone. No, his hope was that he would be able to find someone who was already awake, and could just hang with them. That was all he needed.
Pushing the comforter away he got up. He did know where everybody else was staying. He could put his ear to a door and see if he heard any noises. He could even knock, lightly enough not to wake someone who was asleep, but loud enough that if anyone was awake they would notice. Surely that wasn’t too intrusive.
Felix grabbed his phone and his key, before putting on his white slippers and exiting the room, hearing the automatic lock of the door behind him. The hallway was wide, with shiny floors, on which he saw his image reflected back at him. He looked like a small lost boy.
His door was the second last, and the one on the end belong to I.N. Felix crept towards it first, pressing his ear against the door. There were no audible sounds and no signs of light either but he knocked lightly on the door all the same. The sound seemed to fill the hallway and he winced, wondering if it was too loud. He stayed by the door for several minutes, but nobody came.
He turned to the door across from him which belonged to Bangchan. He crossed his fingers as he listed against the door. But again there were no sounds from within and no response to his knock. After a couple of minutes Felix moved on to Changbin’s room but the same happened.
When he moved on to the fourth door however, Felix perked up. There was something coming from within - he pressed his head against the door. There were muffled voices, and something that could have been laughter. He grinned, but then realized that there was a slight problem, he had no idea who’s room this was.
He tried thinking back to a couple of hours before when they had come in through this hallway. Who had gone into this door? Hyunjin? Seungmin? Lee know? He remembered Han had taken the first room in the hallway but he couldn’t remember the others. He bit his lip… he was at least sure that this was one of his friends and not a total stranger, and from the sound of it they were awake as well and probably watching TV.
Tentatively Felix knocked on the door, holding his breath. The muffled voices grew silent, like someone had turned the television on mute and was listening to the door. Felix knocked again, a little louder this time and then waited.
About a minute the door opened a crack and he saw Lee Know’s face staring at him. “Felix?” he said in a tone that clearly indicated he was not expecting him.
Felix blushed - of all people it had to be Lee Know. It wasn’t that he didn’t love him, Felix loved all of his bandmates, but it was that out of everyone Minho was the most intimidating. He shuffled on his feet. “Yeah, sorry, I-” he stammered, feeling nervous under his gaze.
The next moment however the door opened wider and he saw that Lee Know was not alone, Han was standing next to him. “Hi Felix.”
“Oh!” Instantly Felix felt his heart lighten. He was not disturbing Lee Know at all, Han had already done that! He smiled at both of them. “Sorry, I couldn’t sleep and I noticed you were up.”
Lee Know and Han exchanged looks. “Wanna come in?” said Han.
Felix nodded and stepped inside.
The room was quite similar to his except in black and cream rather than white. His eyes travelled to the giant bed, it was ruffled on both sides, as if Han had been there for a long time, and looking at the nightstand he noticed Han’s glasses and earrings there.
“You couldn’t sleep either?” he asked Han.
Again, Han and Mihno exchanged looks and then Han grinned. “No, I guess I slept too much on the plane.”
“Me too!” said Felix. “What were you guys doing?” He said as he took a seat on the end of the bed. He now took notice of their appearance. They were just both wearing t-shirts and underwear. He wondered if Han had crossed the hallway like this and smiled to himself.
“We were… talking,” said Han.
“These rooms are so nice,” said Felix, feeling the soft silky texture of the comforter with his hand. “And the bathtubs are huge, and definitely taking a bath tomorrow.”
“I was thinking the same,” said Han taking a seat by his side. “You smell good.”
Felix lifted up his wrist so that Han could smell the new cream he tried. “Isn’t that nice?”
“Very.”
“Do you guys mind if I stay, I felt weird being alone-” he said, keeping his eyes on Lee Know.
“You can stay,” said Han, throwing an arm around him. Felix nuzzled against his shoulder, feeling like his whole soul was purring.
“Yeah, we can watch TV or something-” said Lee Know. “We found a Korean channel.”
“Oh great,” said Felix sliding up into the middle of the bed while Lee Know turned it on.
With Han on his left and Lee Know on his right he found that it was so easy to relax. It didn’t even matter that the game show they were watching was stupid and made for old people, it was just so comfortable. Han kept his arm around him, and Felix rested his head on his shoulder. He loved the warmth of Han’s body, and the way he absentmindedly stroked Felix’s arm as the program continued.
Felix didn’t notice that he was getting sleepier and sleepier, all he knew was that he felt perfectly comfortable and perfectly safe.
It only took about ten minutes for him to be deeply asleep. Han could feel it in the ease of his breathing and the stillness of his limbs.
“He always sleeps like a baby,” he commented to Mihno.
“Yeah,” said Mihno looking fondly at him. “I’m surprised he came to my room.”
“We were probably the only ones up.”
“Yeah…” Lee Know gave a sigh. “We were supposed to be alone tonight,” he said.
“I know,” said Han. “But you saw how he looked-” he said in a whisper even though it was clear that Felix was totally out of it. “We couldn't turn him away.”
“Yeah we couldn’t..” They held eye contact over Felix’s head and Han extended his hand towards Lee Know and the other took it in his own, intertwining their fingers.
“We can be alone tomorrow, we’ll stick Felix with Hyunjin.”
Lee Know laughed. “Yeah that’ll take care of two problems.”
He squeezed his hand, and then with his free one turned the TV off. “Might as well get some sleep,” he said.
Han closed his eyes. Sleep came easily with Felix’s small body besides him.
Lee Know took longer. He tried to keep to his side of the bed at first, enjoying the coolness of the sheets, but eventually he turned around the other way and cuddled close to Felix. Although the other boy was asleep, he instinctively put one of his legs over Lee Know and made a low humming sound of contentment.
It reminded Lee Know of his cats. All cuddled together, and with that very pleasant thought it didn’t take him much to drift off into sleep.