Chapter Text
The first time we talked was in 6th grade.
You came up to me, excited, and started chatting with me about something we both liked, because you heard me talk about it with my friends.
The second time we met, we were on a school trip in 7th grade.
The bus ride was long, and so we stopped to stretch our body's and have some fresh air. I was talking to my classmate, and then you joined in with you're friend. I found you interesting, but didn't really dare to talk, because still, i didn't know you.
When we arrived at our destination, the teachers told us to line up, and so, you came beside me, and smiled. That smile... I can't forget it. It was so bright and Innocent. I felt warm by looking at you, but i didn't know at that time what to call that feeling. We talked, and talked, joked around and listened to music the whole time. When the teacher scolded us for being noisy when she talked, we just laughed it off.
And after that trip, my daily life has changed.
When we saw each other at the corridor we always hugged and said 'hello'. We texted each other in class, and chatted till 3 am. I introduced you to my best friend, Soobin, and you two got along easily. You started to go home with us, and we hanged out in my room after school almost everyday. You comforted me when I was sad, and i held you're hand when you were at you're breaking point. You were always strong. I never saw you cry.
It was finally summer, school has ended, and we hanged out a lot. If not everyday, but at least once in two weeks. But we texted everyday. You invited me to go to the beach with you, and so, i came along with you're family. I was happy. I really liked that day and i laughed a lot. I was thankful, because you became a very close friend to me in such a short time.
8th grade, opening ceremony.
We did a sleepover. It was the best. We were up till 4 am, i still remember... We talked and talked, i was painting a shirt, and you just sat there, watching me while searching for music. That 3 hours of sleep was enough for me, because i was laughing till i cried.
It was October, and our school decided to do a Halloween inspired 'party'. I don't remember what my class did, but i know i was in the gym, helping you and you're classmates, because honestly you're idea was amazing. You did an escape room thing. I liked it. It was silly, but the decorations was good. I even joined in, and become a hanging man. It was a good memory.
Then you talked to you're mother, and i talked with my father, and you came over to his place with me. We had our second sleepover. I really liked how everything was just, perfect.
When we woke up the next day, you said i was snuggling to you're chest, and you found it cute.
And thinking back now, that was the first time butterfly's fluttered in my stomach.
I think it happened in December, but in winter, we had our third sleepover.
We we're at my grandma, and she called you to surprise me, because i talked about you a lot, so she also wanted to meet you. I was happy. Like, i was on on really good term with her but i was so thankful for her that day.
We did the same things we always do... Talk, laugh, you tease me a bit and the talk again. I fell asleep with a smile on my face.
The next morning you said i was cuddling you, again. It was the second time i felt something inside.
I don't remember when it started to go downhill.
I just... Felt sad. Firstly just sad. And then i was angry. Then felt numb. I kinda had enough of not being enough. I had enough of my old classmates words ringing in my head. I wanted attention firstly. So i did it.
That was the first mistake, that changed everything.
It was just small. I didn't tell you. I don't really tell anyone. But then i thought, what if my class notices? Would they treat me better? So i got bolder. It was nothing to sirius, or deep. Just the starting point of everything.
It was March. I started talking to this boy, he tried to comfort me. He was older then me, us. His name was Yeonjun. I really liked talking to him, and we met up once to walk and talk. I smiled a real smile. I told you about him, and you wanted to know him too, so you kind of stalked him. It was endearing, you cared about me so much...
One day, in April, he confessed to me. Said he started to like me and asked if i wanted to start dating him, or just go on one date with him. I said yes.
And that was the second mistake.
I was so fed up with him, i though finally i has my happy life i always wanted. But then...
Hueningkai. We met him 6 months ago, and became very close. He was younger, and childish, but kind and really warm. We were good friends, i once went over to his house and watched some movies. It was fun.
While i was 'dating' Yeonjun, i heard Soobin say that you have a crush on me. I didn't believe it. I defended him by saying we're just very close. Soobin eventually gave up, but i knew he didn't believe it.
And i was to naive to notice or think about it more.
In May, you said there's someone who might return you're feelings. I asked who, and if i know them. You said yes, and said he has brown hair and he's tall. And it clicked. Hueningkai.
The first crack. The first time i didn't reply instantly.
I said i hope you two get together, but inside, i felt... Furious. I don't know what took over me.
I told Yeonjun about it. And i thought it over. He couldn't really say anything. And then, it went even more downhill.
You're replies were not that fast, you wrote to me on the morning but then you weren't replying for 5 hours. You didn't walk with me to school like we used to, and i barely saw you in school. We hanged out less after school too.
I once yelled at you through text because i was so angry, but now i know, it was just jealousy.
You texted Yeonjun to calm me down, but that didn't really help. It just made me more mad...
And then, it was almost June, and i realized. I felt more towards you. You weren't just my close friend. I had a crush on you. Dang it, it's love. I realized I was in love with you. I told Yeonjun, and we ended our relationship... But how can I get you back?
I wrote letters to you, long ones, and i once left one on you're desk. But the rest was through text. You never really responded... We barely even talked... I was so sad... But i tried to understand you. You had someone who was finally giving you the same feelings. But here i am. I love you too! So why won't you look at me again? What did I do wrong?
I wrote like, 20 apologizing letters. I only got one answer. And we talked for a week again. I thought we were good.
But then, you ignored me again...
And the third mistake was made in July.
I was at my grandma, and she talked about things that she shouldn't have. She blamed me because i was bad at math, and i was just pissed. And i took it out on you.
I wrote a long letter to you, again. But this time, not to apologise, or to say i love you, but to ask you, if I'm still important to you. You didn't react, so i sent it to Hyuka to send it to you. And then, i got an answer later that night.
The letter that changed everything, and broke me.
You said i was right, that you didn't care anymore and i could just die because you had enough of me.
It hurts. I thought about just... Ending it. I didn't want to feel this pain anymore. I want to be loved by you. I want you to love me again. I want to be with you. Please, what should I do to make you forgive me?
But i just replied an 'okay'.
And then we didn't talk. But i wanted to end everything in good terms.
So i wrote to you again. Said i was hoping you a happy future. You're answer?
'i just want you to disappear out of my life.
Don't write to me, and never expect me to write to you please.'
And i replied...
'Okay. I'm sorry, Goodbye ^^'
And i never knew how much these words will hunt me in the future.
When we got back in school, i had to retake 8th grade. So i saw you almost everyday. It really hurt me. I could say hi to you. I couldn't even look at you. I cried everyday, i tried to forget you, but It didn't get better.
In March, i started going to a Therapist, because my curiosity in last year, made me addicted to a dangerous game. I tried to stop it too. But it wasn't easy.
In September, i was in a new school. Everything new, i didn't know anyone. A new start.
But i still couldn't get you out of my head.
I had a crush on someone, but he was out of my reach so it quickly disappeared.
And i made some terrible mistakes again.
In April, i did the same thing to my friends i did to you. I lost my temper, and i angered them. So our conversations ended here.
I was alone again. I did it again. Why do i do this. Why can't i be normal. I just wanted to be loved. I just wanted to look cool.
And you came back to my head. And with that, i started to lose myself again. The old habits kept coming back, and i developed something risky with my health again.
I only had Soobin. But i didn't want to bother him. So i dealt with it alone...
In August, again, i got words thrown at me for enjoying myself with an ex classmate. I was so confused. What did I do again? Did i say something bad? Did i cross the line? I was just finally free from my thoughts, what did I do?
So i just, disappeared.
Made a new profile. And only my mother, father and Soobin knew me here. It was peaceful. But school was starting soon, so i had to make myself visible.
In September, i was anxious. I thought I'm gonna be alone. But eventually, things got back, and it even got better! I was finally happy... I started to be more positive... I was not alone. They love me and i love them!
But, everytime in alone. You're face comes back.
I can't forget you. I tried to move on. It was 3 years ago. I should forget it already. But i can't...
4 months ago, someone said they're interested in me. And i was so happy. Finally a new start. I can forget about you and move on!
But it was not like that...
He was sweet, caring and everything i needed. He gave me self confidence and praised me. I was happy, and started to fall. But then...
He said he couldn't love me if i didn't love myself...
He lied. He said he accepts me no matter what and however i am.
What did I do wrong? I really don't deserve love?...
But i let him go... And now I'm here... Thinking about you again. I remember the things, nobody knew.
I remember, when we were in my room, you started to tower over me and tickle me. The it slowly turned into you tying my hand, biting my ear or neck. I felt butterfly's everytime I sat on you're lap. And when we played the Pocky game... I always hoped deep down that we kiss...
I still wish, that someday, you will look for me.
I wish and hope you still know who i am. I still hope you regret what you did, and write me an apology, cause i would, without hesitation, forgive you.
I regret everything i said and did back then. I wish I could go back and change everything. But i can't... And it really hurts... Till this day....
Just remember i will always and forever love you, Kang Taehyun.